Elsa from Frozen vs. The Ice King

March 13, 2014 at 10:29 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , )

Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.

At least it doesn't have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

At least it doesn’t have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.

I mean, it's got snowmen hordes and everything!

I mean, it’s got snowmen hordes and everything!

So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!

Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Pretty and contemplative.

Pretty and contemplative.

Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.

You don't know how long I've been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.

Awwww!

Awwww!

Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.

I told you she got fabulous.

I told you she got fabulous.

Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn't have to solve my gruesome murder.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn’t have to solve my gruesome murder.

Can fly? Elsa can’t fly. The Ice King can, though, using his big scruffy beard as, like, wings. Somehow. Winner? The Ice King.

Science says this shouldn't work.

Science says this shouldn’t work.

Now that it’s a tie, let’s move on to the tie-breaking question, which is this:

Protects and shelters a small child in a post-apocalyptic world? Now that’s just cheating.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

I know, but I’m just so sick of Let it Go. Very well, then. Winner? The Ice King.

Overall winner? The Ice King, unless he starts singing Let it Go, in which case, I will be so mad, you just don’t even know.

I ... should have seen this coming.

I … should have seen this coming.

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