There’s been some outrage over the size of the newest incarnation of Godzilla (which seems silly, because shouldn’t we be complaining about pronouncing it wrong instead?), with Japanese fans of Gojira claiming the American version is too fat, like a schoolboy who’s had too many bags of potato chips.
You know what? They’re right. Godzilla is too fat. With America in the midst of an obesity epidemic, do we really want our children going to the movies and seeing super-sized kaiju laying waste to nations? Children look up to monsters like Godzilla and Mothra, but mostly Godzilla, because who cares about radioactive moths or whatever.
And they’re going to look at Godzilla and they’re going to say: “If Godzilla doesn’t have a thigh gap, why should I?” And their parents are going to say: “Because you’re not a radioactive mutant, sweetie,” and the kids will say: “Shut up, Parents, what do you know?” and then they’re going to eat another bowl of ice cream, because that’s what kids who want to grow up to be Godzilla do.
It’s time for American filmmakers to take responsibility for their actions, and give modern audiences a leaner, healthier Godzilla. One who aerobicizes, maybe, if that’s still a thing people do.
I know that this opinion might seem crazy, or maybe a bit out there, but, dammit, I love Japan and their radioactive monsters, and it’s time to give them the skinny monsters they deserve.