I hate summer because summer TV is where they burn off all the crap, so what the hell is a nature-fearing person like myself supposed to do for three months? I can only play solitaire so many times, y’all. So lately, I’ve been watching NBC’s Night Shift, which is the most cliched hospital drama ever, and I’ve made you a list of things that prove it.
1. Is the main character a renegade doctor who breaks all the rules to save his patients? I’ve only watched two episodes and, in one, he drugged a woman so he could give her blood to her dying sister, and, in the other, threatened/bribed/somethinged a paramedic into lying about a patient’s status so his ex-girlfriend wouldn’t get in trouble for treating him.
2. Speaking of the main character, is there sexual tension between him and the main female lead? Well, there’s supposed to be, but they’re kind of blocks of wood, acting-wise, so … Maybe? Seriously, though, the main lady doctor is his ex-girlfriend (and they’ve got a history) and the main lady psychiatrist (the only lady psychiatrist, I guess) is his current bedmate, so, yeah, they’ve got the sexual tension covered.
3. Are there newbie residents who screw up all the time? Yes, absolutely, and of course they play stupid pranks on each other, because why wouldn’t they?
4. Is there a preternaturally mature child guest star? In the first episode I watched, there was a little girl who took the train all the way to the hospital, pretending to have symptoms that her dad actually had, thus saving his life when he showed up at the hospital to retrieve her.
5. Are there wacky hijinks? The second episode had a bunch of Civil War (maybe? I forget which war) re-enactors who were all sick from rabbit stew. Also, the night shift manager accidentally took ecstasy.
6. Is there a closeted gay character? He’s also in the military, so he doesn’t want anyone to know. Shhh.
7. Is there a wholly unnecessary surgery scene? THIS IS A HOSPITAL SHOW PLEASE ENJOY THESE CLOSEUPS OF FAKE INTESTINES THANK YOU.
8. Is there a music montage? Actually, surprisingly, not yet.
9. But at least the dialogue is stilted, right? Oh, my, heavens, yes.
10. On the bright side, it’s got the best promo photo EVER, though, right? Absolutely.