Turtles, who are also teenaged, mutant and ninja

August 7, 2014 at 10:43 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The truth is that I never liked the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Partly because my brother liked them and partly because it was just too stupid: Mutant turtles who are teenaged ninja? Are you kidding me?

And they're named after classical painters, because, yeah, prepubescent boys are going to know who they are.

And they’re named after classical painters, because, yeah, prepubescent boys are going to know who they are.

Which is how I think the new Michael Bay film feels. Have you noticed in the ads that the “Teenage Mutant” is really tiny, and that they only say “Ninja Turtles” aloud? It’s like the trailers are embarrassed: “Omigod, I’m a movie about teenage turtles who are also mutant ninja. I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!”

"Ninja Turtles is cool, though."

“Ninja Turtles is cool, though.”

And that’s sad, because, dammit, if you’re going to be a movie about Ninja turtles who are teenaged mutants, then you should own it. You should revel in it. You should be like: “DAMMIT YES I AM A MOVIE ABOUT TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES LOOK AT ME!!!”

"Or look at Megan Fox. Whatever."

“Or look at Megan Fox. Whatever.”

 

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