I’m so sorry, guys! I tried to watch Gotham, really I did, because I know you count on my opinions to help you make choices about your day-to-day entertainment needs.
But the truth is: I couldn’t even make it to the credits. It was just that terrible. It was so terrible. It was really, really terrible.
So I’ll review the few minutes I watched of Gotham, because it’s either that or, ugh, work. Also, because I forgot Gotham was happening, this is a review of the first few minutes of the second episode, not the series premiere.
Gotham opened up with some very fake-looking buildings scrolling past, like the result of either the cheapest CGI ever, or a kid with some scissors, markers and cardboard. If these are actual buildings somewhere, that architect should be shot, because they just look so phony.
Then we’re in an alley and Catgirl is there. She’s Catgirl because she’s not a woman yet, that’s why.
Anyway, she’s homeless and doing your standard TV homeless routine, when all of a sudden a bus pulls up with, I think, Lili Taylor and that guy who’s in everything hopping out to offer sandwiches to the homeless kids. So of course Lili Taylor and that one guy stab the kids with needles filled with, I don’t know, date-rape drugs or something, except Catgirl because she didn’t want a sandwich, and this old dude, who gets killed by that one guy. Then one of the kids escapes, so that one guy chases him and ends up throwing him through the fakest window ever. All of this happens in front of tons of witnesses, because they are the worst criminals ever, I don’t care how corrupt the Gotham police department is.
Speaking of corrupt police, the next scene is Detective Bland White Guy Who’s An Honest Cop and his partner Donal Logue Who Is So Corrupt He Could Only Be Playing Harvey Bullock. (Side note: I couldn’t remember Harvey Bullock’s name at all, and I was tempted to go through my issues of Gotham Central to find out, but then I got distracted wondering why they didn’t just make Gotham Central into a TV series, because that would be awesome, so then I had to google it).
They show up at the crime scene with the dead old guy, and then they meet up with yet another corrupt cop, and Detective Blandy McBoringPants drops this line:
“You’re not a bad person, but you’re a bad cop.”
Like, ugh, seriously, who is writing this dialogue? Are their parents ashamed of them? I bet their parents are ashamed of them.
Then we head off to the precinct, where the kid who got thrown through the window is waiting for Detective Boring Guy and Donal Logue, and after some threats of violence and the kid proclaiming Gotham doesn’t care about homeless kids, I said, “Oh my god, this just keeps getting more terrible, I am turning off the TV until Brooklyn Nine Nine comes back on,” and then I did.