Constantine the TV series is no Hellblazer

October 27, 2014 at 1:18 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

On Friday, I watched Constantine.

Despite this terrible tagline, which was clearly warning me not to.

Despite this terrible tagline, which was clearly warning me not to.

I have two nice things to say about it: 1) It was better than Gotham. 2) At least John Constantine was blonde, British and wearing a trench coat.

So you see? I can be nice.

But I don’t wanna anymore, so here’s all the things that were terrible about it.

Like, I know it’s sad that the girl who was supposed to play the female lead got fired, because it’s sad when people lose their jobs, but it’s kind of less sad when they’re not very good at their jobs and, well, she kind of wasn’t so good. I’m sorry that’s so wishy-washy. I do feel bad for her, but … maybe it was just the character?

"Please find a new job. Please find a new job. Please find a new job."

“Please find a new job. Please find a new job. Please find a new job.”

Anyway, the special effects weren’t great, except for this bit with Harold Perrineau As An Angel and some raindrops, but what was really bad was the only story. Like, John Constantine has gotten himself put in a mental hospital, where they try to cure him of being an exorcist, except he really is an exorcist, so it’s kind of ridiculous. And I’ll admit right now that I only really followed Hellblazer when Brian Azzarello was writing it (I didn’t even enjoy the Garth Ennis run, and I love Garth Ennis), so if this was a real plotline from the comic book, well — maybe it played out better on the page?

"Yea, it's Mercutio!" I cried when Harold Perrineau showed up, because I only make references to things from the last century.

“Yea, it’s Mercutio!” I cried when Harold Perrineau showed up, because I only make references to things from the last century.

So, right, John Constantine gets a message from a dead guy, who possesses some girl at the mental hospital, because she’s LEFT ALL ALONE IN A GIANT ROOM AT A MENTAL HOSPITAL THAT NEVER HAPPENS TV, GOD, and off he goes to have adventures. Kind of boring adventures. Oh, and we learn he’s tormented because he let a little girl get sentenced to hell, like, how bad was that little girl, right?

John Constantine’s boring adventures involve the actress who isn’t the female lead anymore because she got fired, and they’re barely worth mentioning, except if you’re possessed by a demon or an angel, you have to wear terrible contacts, and Chaz shows up, which is good news, and then there’s this bit thrown in at the end where they’re all like: Oh, right, so we fired that one chick, now we have to write a scene explaining why the character never shows up anymore, when everything else in this episode was leading up to her hanging round all the time, and then John Constantine is in an alleyway with a bunch of guys with guns and his hands are on fire…

How is that going to help you in a gunfight, though?

How is that going to help you in a gunfight, though?

…and then there’s some lady who was clearly working for Vertigo, because all she’s drawing is Hellblazer covers.

I swear this was one of them.

I swear this was one of them.

And then it’s over, and you’re all like, well, that wasn’t worth a whole hour of my Friday, but then you’re like, but what else was I going to do anyway, it’s not like I go anywhere anymore, and then you think maybe you should sign up on a dating web site like your brother wants you to.

Yeah, maybe I will watch Constantine again next week after all.

Yeah, maybe I will watch Constantine again next week after all.

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