Bob Belcher vs. Sterling Malory Archer

March 9, 2015 at 10:44 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

It’s a battle of veritable cartoon giants! Mostly because I wanted to use the word “veritable”!

In one corner, you’ve got restaurateur Bob Belcher. In the other corner, you’ve got superspy Sterling Archer. What could these two gents possibly have in common?

Outside of gorgeous voices, not bloody much.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I mean, one guy runs a restaurant and one guy’s an international man of mystery! They have, almost literally, nothing in common!

Anyway, on to the possibly lopsided battle!

Physicality. Bob Belcher has a glorious, glorious mustache. I like using the word glorious to describe facial hair. Maybe you could tell. He’s a tad overweight and going a bit bald in back, and he seems pretty hairy. Sterling Archer has a strong jawline, jet-black hair and a cartoon physique to kill for. He would be the most attractive cartoon man ever, except Spike Spiegel exists. Winner? Spike Spiegel, because he’s the handsomest cartoon ever, and I will always love him.

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel. Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel.
Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

Better cook? Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. He makes burgers. Not just any burgers. Super gourmet burgers, with puns. Archer has a heroin-addicted houseboy (houseoldman?) to cook for him. Winner? Bob Belcher.

I hear they're coming out with a cookbook. I can't wait!

I hear they’re coming out with a cookbook. I can’t wait!

Better spy? Sterling Malory Archer (codename: Duchess) is the world’s most dangerous spy. Mostly due to friendly fire incidents, but still. Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably spying?

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably … spying?

Runs a burger restaurant? This one time, Sterling Archer got amnesia from the trauma of his mother getting married, and he ran away and changed his name to Bob and ran a burger restaurant. True story! Winner? It’s a tie!

Here's my "pic or it didn't happen" pic.

Here’s my “pix or it didn’t happen” pic.

Better dressed? Bob Belcher mostly wears an apron, but he cleans up okay for nights out with the lady. (The lady would be Linda Belcher, his wife, obviously.)

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

Sterling Archer has, like, 20 black turtlenecks of varying shades of black, and also a bunch of fancy spy clothes. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Here's Sterling Archer, lookin' good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don't know, let's say ... Brett?

Here’s Sterling Archer, lookin’ good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don’t know, let’s say … Brett?

Better parent? Bob Belcher, unlike his spiritual successor, Homer Simpson, is not a moron. Also, he never strangles his children for comedic effect. Also, his three kids all seem relatively well-adjusted and like they actually love their parents and *sniff* I wish I was a Belcher!!! Sterling Archer recently discovered he’s the birth father of former flame and current coworker Lana Kane’s adorable daughter. He’s doing his best, but the thing is, Sterling Archer is a horrible, terrible, selfish, awful person. Winner? Bob Belcher.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue -- successfully, I believe -- would be considered child abuse.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue — successfully, I believe — would be considered child abuse.

It’s a tie! Thanks to dark horse Spike Spiegel winning a category out of nowhere, yes. Yes, it is. On to the tiebreaker!

Better backup in a fight? Sure, this category seems like a gimme for Sterling Archer, what with his fancy spy training and his underwear gun and his complete and utter disregard for his own life, but he’s an awful, terrible, horrible, selfish person. Bob Belcher is no Krav Maga-trained superman, and he’s even pooped his pants in a fight, but God bless ‘im, that man would have your back. Winner? Nah, sorry, Bob, but this goes to Archer. You pooped your pants in a fight! How could anyone count on you?

Overall winner? Sterling Archer, by a sexy black turtleneck.

And he knows it, too.

And he knows it, too.

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4 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    I can’t fault your logic, but I would have given it to Bob. Mostly because Bob’s Burgers is still hilarious every single time, while Archer has gotten pretty stale.

    • lokifire said,

      Awwww, I still laugh at Archer.

      I’ll probably be sick of it by next season, though. I’m fickle.

  2. brikhaus said,

    Oh yes, Spike is the greatest anime character of all time.

    • lokifire said,

      Yup, he’s the greatest, all right.

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