Ha, but seriously, folks: Now hiring Headline Writer.
Moving right along, Jeffrey Donovan, the former star of Burn Notice, seems to have disappeared right off the face of the earth. Why? Did he anger some dangerous people? Become disfigured in an explosion? Get typecast by people who have trouble telling the actor apart from the spy character he played (like who would do that, right)?
The answer is: I don’t know! But let me tell you some things I do know about Jeffrey Donovan, other than Michael Westen is my perfect boy.
Jeffrey T. Donovan was born in 1968 in Amesbury, Massachusetts, which is a town neither I nor Spellchecker have ever heard of before. He grew up to be an even 6 feet tall, which is pretty good, and married a beautiful model (yes, I know “beautiful model” is redundant), and has a daughter. Also, he was poor as a kid, and knows, like, 500 different kinds of martial arts. Or three. Probably just three. That’s still a lot.
Donovan did some acting in high school, earning an acting award at Amesbury High, a place I am having trouble believing exists, and moved on to the big time with a role in Throwing Down, an independent film from 1995. That led to, awesomely, a role on an episode of Homicide, wherein he played twins with Southern accents, and one was a vicious killer and the police arrested the wrong one because nobody knew they were twins! It was not the best episode of Homicide (I think that honor probably goes to Three Men and Adena), but it was all right.
Then he did a bunch more acting, like in Sleepers, which I think was a movie I actually saw one time; and Millennium, that TV show that was too scary for me to watch; and Catherine’s Grove, which I’m including for the first sentence of its description: “Undercover cop Doyle is working on a serial killer case that’s left a trail of dead transvestites.”
After that, he was in a few episodes of The Pretender, which I really should remember by now existed; Spin City; The Blair Witch sequel, after which he hopefully got a new agent; Witchblade, which did anyone know that was made into a TV series in 2002?; and then it was on to a starring role in Touching Evil.
Here’s a description of Touching Evil, which sounds almost as good as Catherine’s Grove: “In spite of his inability to abide by common sense and the laws he’s sworn to uphold, he, with the help of his partner, work together to hunt down the most wicked and vicious criminals on the streets.” Then he was in Hitch with Will Smith, which is too bad; then CSI: Miami and original flavor Law & Order; and then an episode of Monk, which, if I recall correctly, is the one where he played an evil astronaut.
In 2007, he was in Crossing Jordan for a while, which I don’t remember at all, despite it being the show I would end up watching when I was too tired and depressed to leave the couch, and too poor for basic cable.
After that, it was some other stuff, but I’m tired of listing those things, so Burn Notice! He totally got to hang out with Bruce Campbell, like, all the time, so I’m sure it was his best gig ever and now he wakes up every day and is unhappy because he and Bruce don’t hang anymore.
(Oh, and in 2011, he played Robert Kennedy in a movie called J. Edgar.) After Burn Notice wrapped up in 2013 — and might I say: 2013??? What? I thought it ended in 2011 or so — there’s a great big gaping hole in his resume filled with, I would assume, husbanding and fathering. OR TRYING TO RESTORE HIS GOOD NAME AFTER BEING BURNED BY THE GOVERNMENT.
Anyway, it looks like he shows up in an episode of Fargo this spring, and then he’s in Extinction, for which I shall copy-paste yet another description: “Nine years after an infection turns most of the humanity into rabid creatures, Patrick, Jack and Lu, a nine-year-old girl, survive in seeming peace and calm in the forgotten snow-covered town of Harmony”; and lastly, Sicario, which stars Emily Blunt and Josh Broling, so I don’t know what that’s all about.
Also, he apparently really likes the outdoors and doesn’t watch much television, so I guess we wouldn’t be friends or anything. Unless he’s willing to give it all up for a more sedentary lifestyle, but I would bet probably not.