So you think you’re dating an evil alien: A modern teen’s guide

September 29, 2015 at 9:53 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a big ol’ post like this, and I apologize. You guys deserve better. We all deserve better. Especially since we’re probably dating evil aliens, and we don’t even know for sure which ones.

Well I can tell you, through the power of making a list! The excitement of a list! Who’s with me? Here’s a list of aliens you could be dating, were you to be dating an evil alien!

1. Alien. The best way to tell if you’re dating the Alien from Alien is if she bleeds acid and eats everyone except Ripley.

But is she so bad? She bleeds acid, eats everyone except Ripley, and lays eggs in your face.

This is why you should always use protection, kids.

This is why you should always use protection, kids.

2. The Thing. It would be hard to know if you’re dating The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, because The Thing is a shapeshifter and, thus, could look like anybody.

Even a young Keith David!

Even a young Keith David!

But how evil is The Thing? The Thing murders innocent little doggies and wants to take over the planet.

And it could be anyone, anywhere, even the person right next to you!

And it could be anyone, anywhere, even the person right next to you!

3. Alf. If you never watched a sitcom in the 1980s, you wouldn’t know if you’re dating this Alien Life Form (see? clever!) or not. Alias Gordon Schumway, which I don’t remember how to spell, Alf is a hairy little bastard who boards with the whitest family ever and likes to eat cats.

The 1980s called and they said their terrible puppets were still more realistic than our terrible CGI.

The 1980s called and they said their terrible puppets were still more realistic than our terrible CGI.

Is he really evil, though? It depends on your stance on housecats, I suppose.

4. Superman. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton who’s just like a human, except he’s super.

But he’s a good guy, isn’t he? Eh, if you look at some of the stuff he got up to in the ’50s, it’s hard to be sure.

Just be glad it's the suit and not your face, Jimmy Olsen.

Just be glad it’s the suit and not your face, Jimmy Olsen.

5. J’onn J’onzz. This guy is a Martian who probably pals around with Superman from time to time.

I thought he was a good guy too. He probably is, but I now realize going into this list with a meager grasp on sci-fi was a terrible, terrible idea.

Ooh, art by Alex Ross, though!

Ooh, art by Alex Ross, though!

6. A Skrull. Skrulls are aliens in the Marvel universe. They also can, I think, shapeshift. Seriously, I should’ve thought this through harder.

Skrulls are pretty bad, right? I think so? Usually they’re bad guys, maybe?

I do know that a Super Skrull has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, so I'll get that one right on Jeopardy.

I do know that a Super Skrull has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, so I’ll get that one right on Jeopardy.

7. E.T. This Extra Terrestrial (see? Clever again!) looks like a wrinkled, monster turnip, and loves Reece’s Pieces.

But he’s totally not evil, though. It’s sweet that you’re so trusting.

I'm sure he won't murder you in your sleep or anything.

I’m sure he won’t murder you in your sleep or anything.

8. Spock. Good news! I just remembered that Mr. Spock exists, and he’s an alien! You can tell it’s him if he resembles the late Leonard Nimoy (or, I suppose, Sylar from Heroes), and he’s got pointy ears and is very logical.

Now, Spock’s definitely not evil. Only when it’s logical, baby. Only when it’s logical.

Now I feel bad because I miss Leonard Nimoy.

Now I feel bad because I miss Leonard Nimoy.

9. Chewbacca. The funny thing about Chewbacca is that my spellchecker really thinks I’m trying to write “backache.” With this most famous of the Wookiees, you can tell you’re dating him if he’s seven feet tall and really hairy. It’s either him, or a tall dude with a hair growth issue, I guess.

But is he evil? Just let him win at space chess, and you shouldn’t have any problems.

... And maybe ask him to take it easy on the sexy poses?

… And maybe ask him to take it easy on the sexy poses?

10. An illegal immigrant. If your significant other is here to steal our jobs, rape our women and other things Donald Trump might say, you’re dating an illegal alien.

All that work for an immigration joke? So it turns out I’m the real evil.

Nah, I'm just kidding. It's this guy here that's the real evil.

Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s this guy here that’s the real evil.

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