Panning Pan perniciously! (for alliteration)

November 4, 2015 at 11:46 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

I was looking forward to Pan coming out, mostly so I could say how awful it looked and how unfaithful it was to the source material, and to hell with whoever created it, but then it turns out that it was released back in early October and nobody even noticed.

This is probably because of how awful it looks and how unfaithful it is to the source material.

Issue number 1: Rooney Mara as Tiger Lily.

Rooney Mara could be a wonderful actress, I don’t know. She could be the Meryl Streep of her generation. She could be Mary Pickford reincarnated. She could be many things, but none of those things are “American Indian.” That’s not her fault or anything, but maybe people could cast American Indians to play American Indians? I mean, I thought racism was over now. Anyway, yeah, Tiger Lily is a racist caricature, because J.M. Barrie was an Englishman from the 1900s, but she’s still one of the most famous fictional American Indians out there, so … whatever.

Also, her makeup is stupid.

Also, her makeup is stupid.

Issue number 2: Peter Pan as a boy of fate.

Here is Peter Pan’s back story: He is a little boy who doesn’t want to grow up. He fights pirates for fun and plays with fairies. None of this makes him a fated hero of lore. In fact, J.M. Barrie (that damn racist) named him Pan after the god of the forests, originator of the word “Panic,” and thought him to be an agent of chaos, probably because what else could a preadolescent child whose idea of fun is murdering pirates possibly be considered?

... other than "a grownup lady who loves her peanut butter," that is.

… other than “a grownup lady who loves her peanut butter,” that is.

Issue number 3: What the HELL is wrong with Hugh Jackman’s character design?

Stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie.

Stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie.

 

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