Well, I finally watched the first episode of Ash vs. Evil Dead, which for some reason I thought was called Ash vs. the Evil Dead, so now don’t I feel stupid.
We learn that it’s thirty years after the events of the original Evil Dead (and possibly Evil Dead 2, because the flashbacks kind of combine the two), and also that Army of Darkness never happened, which is all right because it’s the second best one anyway.
Ash lives in a trailer court, wears a girdle and works for Valu-Mart, or something like that (again, because Army of Darkness never happened, so there’s no such thing as shopping smart at S-Mart), and also he’s gotten into the habit of picking up strange women in bars and spanking them with his wooden hand.
Anyway, he accidentally unleashes the Candarian demons, whom we’re calling Deadites now, apparently, so maybe Army of Darkness did happen?, and this beautiful lady cop and her red-shirt partner get called to the crime scene and fight Candarian Deadites, and the partner gets all possessed and killed and the lady cop gets to meet Lucy Lawless, so, all things considered, she really comes out ahead.
Then Ash decides he needs to flee the ancient evil that’s pursuing him, like that ever works, but it’s mostly so he can have a brief hero’s journey from coward to badass Ash. Also, he gets attacked by a tiny doll, and he pratfalls like a damn pro, and instead of fleeing, he has to kill his possessed neighbor, and then he goes for THE CHAINSAW HAND…
…but he has to kill another possessed neighbor to get it, which is too bad, because she was totally cleaning his trailer house for him, and then at the end, his two coworkers are all like, “How do you feel?” And he’s all like: “Groovy.”