Of sailors and boredom

December 11, 2015 at 10:33 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

So, a long time ago, Herman Melville wrote this famous novel about a whale and obsession and sailors and all that and called it Moby Dick, as if it couldn’t be more obviously about penises.

"Heh. Penises."

“Heh. Penises.”

Anyhoo, it’s one of the great man vs. nature stories filled with metaphor and brilliance and it just bores me to tears, I’m sorry, I can’t stand it.

I do, however, love W. Francis McBeth's band piece, "Of Sailors and Whales," from whence I stole this post title.

I do, however, love W. Francis McBeth’s band piece, “Of Sailors and Whales,” from whence I stole this post title.

And now it’s a movie! Except it’s a movie about the true story of Moby Dick, and it stars Thor (I think?) and Cillian Murphy (I’m positive), and there’s a lady whose only line is to tell her husband to come back safely, because this movie couldn’t be more obviously about penises.

"Nuh-uh, it's about whales!"

“Nuh-uh, it’s about whales!”

The gist of the plot seems to be that a whale attacks their ship because whales are jerks, and then they try to survive on lifeboats while the whale continues to try to murder them, because whales are SUPER-jerks, and for some reason, another sailor points his gun at Probably Thor and tells him to admit he’s afraid and he says: “I will not.” But seriously, dude, it’s okay to be afraid of the Murder Whale, jeez. It’s not like people are going to think you’re less of a man or whatever.

Man, whales are such dicks.

Man, whales are such dicks.

And if you want to kiss your second mate, Cillian Murphy, well — no one could blame you for that either.

He's just SO BEAUTIFUL.

He’s just SO BEAUTIFUL.

So there you have it. A movie about whales. Definitely whales.

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4 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    I read Moby-Dick this year. Well, skimmed it might be a better way to put it. I liked it, but there were way too many tangents on whale anatomy for my liking. An abridged version would probably rock, but nobody has an abridged version. This would be the one time where an abridged version would actually improve a novel. Anyway, it was a pretty cool book, I guess. I really have my doubts about how accurate this “true story” is, but whatever. Blah blah dee blah. Cillian Murphy is cool, though, “Fookin’ Peaky Blayndahs.”

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, an abridged edition would be marvelous! I could maybe enjoy it then.
      But nowhere near as much as I enjoy looking at Cillian Murphy.
      *Sighhhhh*

    • Jamin said,

      Considering that the whale anatomy tangents are one of the aspects of the book that many (not me, for the record) cite as examples of its masterpiece status, it would be highly unlikely for anyone to publish said abridged version. Personally, I am of the “ewww, you got science textbook in my maritime adventure” / “ewwww, you got maritime adventure in my science textbook” opinion. And in this case, science textbook and maritime adventure are very much not chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe chocolate and cat-food grade tuna fish.

      • lokifire said,

        Ewwww, now I’m definitely not reading it.

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