A Star Wars review for realsies this time

January 3, 2016 at 1:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”

First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).

He's no Wedge, but I guess he'll do. Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

He’s no Wedge, but I guess he’ll do.
Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.

And then I cried some more, because I've raised The Bad Seed.

And then I cried some more, because I’ve raised The Bad Seed.

So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

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12 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    Again, very sorry to hear how badly you were traumatized 😦

  2. brikhaus said,

    “And whenever my character’s not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, ‘Where’s Wedge?’ “

  3. brikhaus said,

    Also, that one scene wasn’t traumatic, it was telegraphed 12 parsecs away. Oh, hey, that’s funny, I’d better put that in my own review.

    • lokifire said,

      I don’t love you anymore, Brik.

    • Jamin said,

      That reminds me: strangely, my biggest complaint was the fact that they doubled down on the old Kessel Run parsecs error, rather than just letting it exist as a mistake. And don’t give me any bullcrap about how the nature of the Maw makes the line reasonable. It was an error, plain and simple, especially since the EU, and therefore the Maw are now non-canon.

      • brikhaus said,

        I thought it was meant to be more of a joke than anything else.

      • Jamin said,

        Maybe. I suppose considering how much of the movie was tailor-made to counter all the complaints about the alleged prequels, it would make some degree of sense for them to throw in one joke to stick it to us pedant nerds.

  4. brikhaus said,

    Also also, I love that your daughter didn’t cry at all.

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