Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo

January 27, 2016 at 10:54 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , , )

In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????

Onward to the battle!

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.

When I say "I love you" to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: "I know."

When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”

Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.

Eh, maybe he's only a 7'6" hair monster.

Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.

Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.

"Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me."

“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”

Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

"I certainly do enjoy solving crimes."

“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”

Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.

*Sighhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhh*

Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.

"'Just' a laser gun? Really?"

“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”

Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.

An iconic tie.

An iconic tie.

Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.

"Barely's still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely's still winning."

“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”

Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?

So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?

Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now. Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

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5 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    Holmes’ first loss. I couldn’t believe it. But at least he doesn’t have a damn wiener kid that ruins everything.

    • lokifire said,

      He’ll always be thankful for that. Damn wiener kids, anyway.

  2. Jamin said,

    On the off chance that this fictional character battle has reopened old wounds, here’s something to cheer you up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8znN62hLAyg

    Also, I’d actually debate the “better at solving crimes” entry (not that it matters, because despite losing that contest, Solo still won the battle). I mean, yeah, Han Solo commits crimes. Therefore, he knows immediately who committed the crime: him. Sherlock Holmes solves crimes quickly, but not *that* quickly!

    • lokifire said,

      SWEEEEEEEEET. I actually turned on the sound on my computer at work, ’cause I was like, “Man, he’d better be skating to Tank!” And then he did! He skated to Tank!

  3. aonlyfanathicofveryfandomaliasxxsakura said,

    A favorite mine is Jeremy Brett ❤

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