A love letter to Audrey Horne

May 17, 2016 at 11:02 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Audrey Horne,

You are my perfect girl. You’re the kind of girl that, were we to hook up, people would look at us together and be all: “Man, why is Audrey Horne slumming so hard?”

"Just working out some self-esteem issues. You know."

“Just working out some self-esteem issues. You know.”

And that is my dream, Audrey Horne. To be the girl that people would slum for. Or slum with. Or whatever is grammatically correct.

"I'd say I care, but I'm really slumming here."

“I’d say I care, but I’m really slumming here.”

Because, Audrey Horne, I mean, you’re beautiful, right? You’re so beautiful. You’re short, dark and gorgeous. I could look at you for hours, I swear.

Or, you know, days, probably.

Or, you know, days, probably.

And, Audrey Horne, you are, like, so rich. I mean, just so rich. You’re even richer than my rich relatives, who are currently building a house with four fireplaces, like I live in a place that doesn’t even have one fireplace, I can’t imagine being rich enough to have four! And you are richer than that!

I wish I had a fireplace. I'm just so damn chilly all the time.

I wish I had a fireplace. I’m just so damn chilly all the time.

Also, you have great taste in men, because, like me, you believe that Agent Dale “Coop” Cooper is the perfect boy, and the last few episodes of Twin Peaks never happened, no dating guys who tuck their sweaters into their pants for you.

Although I kind of feel like if Coop was so great, he would have waited for you and then hooked up like mad.

Although I kind of feel like if Coop was so great, he would have waited for you and then hooked up like mad.

So look me up, Audrey Horne! Or I’ll look you up! Or I’ll watch the new Twin Peaks, but probably not, because it seems like such a bad idea, I don’t know.

I mean, Season Two got just soooo terrible, and nostalgia isn't a good enough reason to bring back a TV show, but maybe it'll be good, I can't decide....

I mean, Season Two got just soooo terrible, and nostalgia isn’t a good enough reason to bring back a TV show, I’m looking at you, The X-Files, but maybe it’ll be good, I can’t decide….

Anyway, you’re gorgeous! Love you!

And might I reiterate: Stupid Coop. Stupid, stupid Coop.

And might I reiterate: Stupid Coop. Stupid, stupid Coop.

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2 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    Coop wasn’t stupid, he didn’t want to go to jail for statutory rape. Had she been 18, I’m sure he would have been all over her.

    C’mon, you aren’t excited for Season 3? I’ve been waiting a long fucking time for that, and I’m super-pumped.

    At the very least, David Lynch and Mark Frost wrote all the episodes, and Lynch is directing all of them. They were responsible for all the best Twin Peaks had to offer. They weren’t involved in the horrible post-Laura Palmer Mystery episodes.

    IT’S GONNA BE GOOD, YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE!

    • lokifire said,

      COOP WAS TOTALLY STUPID SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY IN HER 20S!
      Seriously, though, all he’d have had to do was hold out a couple of months and boom! Best GF ever.

      But … but … Fox Mulder wants to believe and his series was SO BAD when it came back….

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