I got my hair cut this weekend. I usually donate 10 inches for wigs, but this time they took 12 inches. This is awful for several reasons, and they are as follows:
1. Most days, I look like the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band. This would be fine were I the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band, but I’m not, and lesbian rock bands of the 2010s have way better hair.
2. Today, I look like the male lead of a 1990s teen romance. This would be great news if I wanted to attract 1990s female teens. They’re much too young for me, so that’s out.
3. Other times, I look like a boy. It certainly doesn’t help that I have, like, no curves whatsoever.
4. “I don’t want a boy cut,” I said. “Oh, it’ll be a pixie cut,” replied the hairdresser. FYI, pixie cuts are boy cuts.
5. “Do you want bangs?” the hairdresser said. “No, I do not want bangs,” I said. “Besides, there’s not enough hair left for bangs.” At the longest point, my hair is maybe three inches long. How do you get bangs out of that?
6. The haircut took TWO HOURS. The hairdresser had to rubber band off about seven or eight different sections of hair, then add more rubber bands, then make sure my hair was completely dry.
7. None of my clothes look right anymore. If I wear something very feminine, I look like I’m in drag. If I wear something unfeminine, well, see entry #3.
8. One guy came into my part-time job and said he liked my haircut. “It makes you look older,” quoth this guy who has clearly never spoken to a woman before in his life.
9. My rich cousin’s wife was able to commiserate with me. “Oh, it’s just the same as when I go in to get my hair colored and I have to tell them three times what shade to use,” she said. But it’s really not quite the same, because I can’t afford her $80 hairdresser.
10. “It’ll grow out quickly,” people say. No, it won’t. It took two years for it to get long enough to donate 10 inches. TWO YEARS. It just seems quick to other people because they don’t have to live with this godawful mop, ugh, I hate my hair, and I hate what’s left of it.