Things I hate about my new haircut: A list

May 31, 2016 at 11:44 am (Top Ten)

I got my hair cut this weekend. I usually donate 10 inches for wigs, but this time they took 12 inches. This is awful for several reasons, and they are as follows:

1. Most days, I look like the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band. This would be fine were I the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band, but I’m not, and lesbian rock bands of the 2010s have way better hair.

This is lesbian rock band Hunter Valentine, who all have better hair than me.

2. Today, I look like the male lead of a 1990s teen romance. This would be great news if I wanted to attract 1990s female teens. They’re much too young for me, so that’s out.

Although I might reconsider for young Clair Danes.

3. Other times, I look like a boy. It certainly doesn’t help that I have, like, no curves whatsoever.

4. “I don’t want a boy cut,” I said. “Oh, it’ll be a pixie cut,” replied the hairdresser. FYI, pixie cuts are boy cuts.

Really, they only work if you are a rock star.

5. “Do you want bangs?” the hairdresser said. “No, I do not want bangs,” I said. “Besides, there’s not enough hair left for bangs.” At the longest point, my hair is maybe three inches long. How do you get bangs out of that?

6. The haircut took TWO HOURS. The hairdresser had to rubber band off about seven or eight different sections of hair, then add more rubber bands, then make sure my hair was completely dry.

Kind of like this, but with more rubber bands, and more me sobbing, “Can I have it back so I can make it into a wig RIGHT NOW?”

7. None of my clothes look right anymore. If I wear something very feminine, I look like I’m in drag. If I wear something unfeminine, well, see entry #3.

8. One guy came into my part-time job and said he liked my haircut. “It makes you look older,” quoth this guy who has clearly never spoken to a woman before in his life.

9. My rich cousin’s wife was able to commiserate with me. “Oh, it’s just the same as when I go in to get my hair colored and I have to tell them three times what shade to use,” she said. But it’s really not quite the same, because I can’t afford her $80 hairdresser.

Pictured here: A place I will be kicked out of the moment I accidentally step lower middle-class foot into it.

10. “It’ll grow out quickly,” people say. No, it won’t. It took two years for it to get long enough to donate 10 inches. TWO YEARS. It just seems quick to other people because they don’t have to live with this godawful mop, ugh, I hate my hair, and I hate what’s left of it.

Pictured here: How my hair will NOT look while it grows out.