Tarzan, King of the Apes

June 29, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Right. So, the first thing about this new Tarzan movie is that I’ve been reading about feral children lately, and most of them can’t speak. So every time I see an ad for this new Tarzan flick and he’s speaking perfect English, I’m like: “Pfft! Like he’d be able to talk at all!”

Plus, I'm sorry, but he'd probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies, because he would think he was an ape.

Plus, I’m sorry, but he’d probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies.

The second thing about the new Tarzan flick is boy do those apes look fake.

"All right, now, Alexander, we'd like you to pretend like you're running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?"

“All right, now, Alexander, we’d like you to pretend like you’re running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?

The third thing is does Samuel L. Jackson have to take every role he’s offered? Is it some sort of “deal with the devil” scenario?

"The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively."

“The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively.”

The last thing is there’s only one true Tarzan, and that Tarzan is Johnny Weissmuller.

Because I like old movies, that's why.

Because I like old movies, that’s why.

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3 Comments

  1. brikhaus said,

    Where’s does Tarzan go to get his chest waxed?

    • lokifire said,

      Gah! I swear, I had something for this.

    • Jamin said,

      I always just assumed it all got friction burned off while he was climbing trees and swinging around on vines.

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