Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie Griffin

August 18, 2016 at 3:04 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!

“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”

Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.

Now that you've seen it ...

Now that you’ve seen it …

... you can't unsee it!

… you can’t unsee it!

So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!

Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.

"Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny's lap and let me tell you all about it."

“Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny’s lap and let me tell you all about it.”

Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.

I suppose I could've said "Talking animal with a drinking problem" and just given Stewie this category, but I didn't wanna.

I suppose I could’ve said “Talking animal with a drinking problem” and just given Stewie this category, but I didn’t wanna.

Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.

I suspect they're not done with that joke.

I suspect they’re not done with that joke.

Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.

"No, kids, you're ALL winners! Don't do drugs."

“No, kids, you’re ALL winners! Don’t do drugs.”

Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

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1 Comment

  1. Jamin said,

    Yeah, it’s kind of sad when you agree with a bunch of ultra-conservative assholes, but for the wrong reason. Still, Family Guy sucks, so… Go Dora!

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