So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!
“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”
Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.
So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!
Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.
Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.
Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.
Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.