The Show is the best, like, ever

April 24, 2017 at 2:27 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

I don’t review a lot of the silent movies I watch on this blog (or anywhere, truthfully) because I know you guys don’t care about silent movies as much as I do.

It’s like y’all are my daughter, rolling her eyes at me every time she hears the word “silent.”

But that will all change once you see Tod Browning’s The Show.

BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST EVER.

I love this movie so much if it was possible to marry a movie I would marry this movie, so take that, junior high taunters.

It’s got John Gilbert (and his ridiculous mustache) playing a carny who goes by — are you ready for this? I know you think you’re ready, but you’re probably not ready. Anyway, gird your loins, because this is awesome — COCK ROBIN.

And oh my god you guys, his costume!

Cock Robin!

Yes, I know it’s a nursery rhyme, but that’s OBVIOUSLY not how they meant it.

And, of course, because it’s a Tod Browning film, everything takes place at a circus/carnival, because when you live in a Tod Browning movie, it is all carnival all the time. So there’s random freak show girls and the adorable Renee Adoree and a total POISON IGUANA and Lionel Barrymore, the second hottest Barrymore of all.

Of course I meant John Barrymore! Granddaughter Drew is my third hottest Barrymore, and that’s final.

Now, the plot: Lionel Barrymore is totally dating Renee Adoree, who used to date Cock Robin (hee!) because she has terrible taste in men for reasons that will be later revealed. Also, Lionel Barrymore is a really bad dude. (And so is his character in the movie, ha, ha, ha.) So he straight-up murders this guy so he can rob him, but the guy’s billfold is empty! And it turns out the dead guy left the money with his daughter, a random girl who is in love with COCK ROBIN! (Ahem. Hee!)

Pictured here: A scene with Lionel Barrymore and Cock Robin, and they’re all like: “I’ll cut you,” “No, I’ll cut you.”

Cock Robin ends up with the money and Renee Adoree’s love, which really ticks off Lionel Barrymore. So he decides to murder Cock Robin, but instead of just shooting him like he did the first guy he murdered, he decides to do it in a roundabout way during a staging of Salome, so that Renee Adoree will see her lover’s head brought to her on a silver platter!

Let him die, Renee Adoree! He tried to wreck up your pretty face!!

MWA HA HA HA!

Anyway, that belabored plan doesn’t work for some reason, and Cock Robin has to go into hiding in Renee Adoree’s attic. Whilst there, he learns that she reads letters to a blind man from the blind man’s soldier son. THEN he learns that the son isn’t a soldier, but is actually a prisoner set to be hanged! Then the blind old man hears his voice and thinks it’s his son and he’s just SO HAPPY he takes Cock Robin back to his apartment and DIES OF JOY.

And then we learn that it’s actually Renee Adoree’s dad, who wasn’t even nice to her because he only loved his criminal son, and that explains her terrible, terrible taste in men, because she only knows criminals and jerks.

“Don’t leave me, Cock Robin! You are seriously the least horrible man I know!”

The good news is this leads to a change of heart for Cock Robin, and they start to fall IN LOVE.

BUT WAIT! You’d forgotten Lionel Barrymore and his needlessly complicated murder plans, hadn’t you??? You’d forgotten the POISON IGUANA!!! Well, not to worry, because Lionel Barrymore has totally sneaked into the attic to try to murder Cock Robin using a venomous lizard, because of course he would. And it is GLORIOUS.

I am so sad that this is the only picture of the POISON IGUANA I could find.

Anyway, Lionel Barrymore doesn’t succeed, and the movie ends with some girls at the carnival whispering about how Renee Adoree kept Cock Robin locked up alone in her house with her for weeks, and another girl hears them and delivers the best line, as she eyes John Gilbert in his tight-fitting costume:

“Who wouldn’t?”

*SIGHHHHHHHH*

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