I love you, Legends of Tomorrow

April 6, 2018 at 1:34 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

So on Mondays, instead of Supergirl, the CW has been showing DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. (On a completely unrelated tangent-thingy, how weird is it that it’s THE CW and not just CW?? Wouldn’t it feel weird to say “The NBC” or “The FX”? Yet it feels right to say “The CW. Anyway!)

“The CW: So much prettier than the other stations.”

DC’s Legends of Tomorrow is far superior to Supergirl.

“Seriously, everything on this station is pretty.”

It is funny and the dialogue is a little less on the nose and just LOVE the evil villain, he is the very best thing.

“It’s evil how good I look in this fedora and/or trilby, you mean.”

Also, Brandon Routh’s character (yes, I haven’t bothered to learn the characters’ names, it’s true) is as excited to meet John Noble as I would be.


Like, you guys, SO excited.

Like, they’re going to fight a time demon, change a timeline and save the universe, and he’s like, “YES BUT I MET JOHN NOBLE.”

“And have I mentioned how distractingly PRETTY we all are?”


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Another request from my daughter

November 2, 2017 at 10:41 am (Randomosity) ()

“Oh, I thought that guy standing on the side of the road was an ostrich,” I said. “Hmmm, now I want to write a story about fighting an ostrich.”

“You don’t have to say every single thing you think of, you know,” my daughter replied.

This ostrich says I should just write that story, though.

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Best Belchers from Bob’s Burgers

October 27, 2017 at 2:09 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

Here is a list of my favorite Belchers, in order from least favorite to favorite, because I’m sure you care.

5. Coming in fifth is Gene, the least essential Belcher. He likes farts and being annoying (and who doesn’t?), but … yeah. He’s fine. Just … fine.

And I’m sorry, but I’m just not down with lazy musicians. PRACTICE MORE, Gene.

4. Linda. Linda Belcher. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I’m also deeply annoyed by her enthusiasm.

Although, lately I have been saying “All right” in a Linda voice….

3. Tina. Tina’s cool, I guess. I mean, apparently I AM Tina, so I guess I like her? I love her little tube socks with the skirt look she’s got going, that’s something.

Hmmm. Easy Halloween costume or easi-EST Halloween costume?

2. Oh, you thought Louise would be my number-one pick, didn’t you! Because Louise is wonderful and trickster-y and cute bunny ears-wearing and I want to marry her when she grows up! Yes! She is all those things and more. But…

“Yeah, what? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem right.”

1. Bob Belcher is my dream boy. He is voice by H. Jon Benjamin, he has a hamburger restaurant, that ridiculous mustache and God bless him, he tries so damn hard. I love you always, Bob!

“Here, have a hamburger,” he says dreamily, in H. Jon Benjamin’s voice.

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A request from my daughter

October 5, 2017 at 9:53 am (Randomosity)

“Mom, please stop saying ‘check out these guns.'”

“Not gonna happen, honey, sorry.”
*Kisses bicep*

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Welcome back, me!

October 5, 2017 at 9:51 am (Randomosity)


Taps microphone, blushes, asks “is this thing on?”

Helllloooo, everybody! I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and just did NOT have it in me to be funny. It was awful, you guys! Everything was so dead serious and not funny and I HATED IT.

Tragically, I wasn’t nearly this photogenic and pensive.

But while I was gone, I started working out a lot.

And now, you guys, I am RIPPED.


And I just wanted to share that with you and also say “CHECK OUT THESE GUNS.”

This is me now, basically. Except for the awesome hair. And also standing like that would throw out my back. And I don’t have a rope. And I would look RIDICULOUS in this costume. And….

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Airplane movies

August 16, 2017 at 10:22 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , )

So here’s the thing. I love Japan, but I hate flying there. Luckily for me, the airplane was playing one of the best movies of our, or indeed ANY, generation.

That movie is The Fate of the Furious. It’s, like, the 27th Fast and the Furious movie or something, I don’t know. And I don’t care, because it is wonderful.

I mean a submarine tries to kill cars! How is that not the greatest?

It’s got The Rock and he is constantly lifting people up and throwing them and also he somehow throws a moving torpedo with his bare hands?

“It is literally impossible for me to shrug.”

It’s got Michelle Rodriguez and her rippling biceps and the totally fakey way she gets her car to do stuff.

You can bench press me any time, Michelle. *winks*

It’s got Jason Statham doing, like, a ballet sequence with shooting.

“One two jete, one two plie….”

It’s got Charlize Theron in the awfulest wig ever.

If this is her real hair, please don’t say and ruin Charlize Theron for me.

It’s got Helen Mirren.

“Helen, you are the amazingest, sexiest woman in this movie, and that’s saying a lot, because have you seen Michelle and Charlize?”

And, best of best: Kurt Russell is there.

Being awesome, as Kurt Russell does.

So it is the best movie ever! The plot is something like Vin Diesel has teamed up with Charlize Theron’s wig to do bad things, and then The Rock has to throw people at him and Michelle Rodriguez has to be badass and Jason Statham has to dance, and whatever the other characters are doing.


For God’s sake, just pick up Vin Diesel and throw him already!!

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Hey, look, it’s a new post!

June 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Randomosity) (, , )

Hey, blog, hey!

Hey, Girl!

So you probably thought I’d given up on you, but I haven’t! I mean, I didn’t on purpose or anything. It’s just … the world’s been kind of shit lately, and I haven’t been able to be funny at all.

But last night that all changed.

Because I found my BEST SHOW EVER.

It is called Still Star-Crossed (Still Star-Crossed!!! What a name! I love you so much, show!), and it is about Romeo and Juliet, except after Romeo and Juliet are already dead, so I guess I could’ve just said “It’s about the Capulets and the Montagues,” but … Eh.

It’s my first Shondaland show! (That I liked.)

I missed the first episode apparently, which makes me sad, because I’m sure it was awesome, but the second episode was SO GOOD. There’s a prince who’s having an affair with Rosalind (Capulet, apparently, in this version), except Rosalind has to get married to pouty-face Benvolio (Montague, Romeo’s cousin), BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCE. You guys, the drama! The absolute drama.

And you know they’re going to BOTH fall for her and it will be AMAZING.

Then the prince’s sister has to go around stuffed into these godawful dresses, and I don’t think she even breathed once because no one’s waist is that tiny, and Rosalind keeps hanging around her being all, Thank God my costumes FIT, you know? (And all the dudes are in leather pants and they keep walking around bowlegged because leather pants are SO sweaty, amiright??)

OK, this image cuts off a little early, but imagine her waist is about as big around as her neck and you get the idea.

In the meantime, Juliet’s mother is freaking out that someone talked her into suicide, which — wow, Juliet’s mom must’ve read her some Shakespeare back in the day, and Juliet’s father is freaking out because he’s out of money, BUT NO ONE CAN KNOW. So he totally meets with this architect who’s supposed to build the chapel for Rosalind and Benvolio’s wedding, and he’s all, I’m gonna blame you if it doesn’t get built, and the architect is like, I’m not gonna take the fall, and the whole time they’re high up on this scaffolding, and so I say to my daughter: “Now he’s going to push that guy to his death and say: ‘You will take the fall,'” and then he did, and my daughter would’ve been impressed, but she was like, “Meh, I saw it coming too.”

Pictured here: Rosalind Capulet, relieved that she’s not standing on a precarious scaffolding with her eeeeeeevil uncle.

Anyway, the dialogue is SUPER ridiculous, like sometimes they’re trying to sound like Shakespearean, and other times they’re talking about screwing prostitutes, literally using the word “screw,” and everybody keeps gazing directly into the camera, and everybody looks like they just stepped off the set of a CW show and accidentally wandered over to ABC, and it is just glorious.

P.S. Thank you, costume designer, for making everybody look as miserable as possible. It is so great!

So I can’t wait to watch it again next week!

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If you hate reading…

April 26, 2017 at 3:56 pm (Randomosity)

Then you’re probably not reading this post. Crap, did this misfire.

Anyway! If you don’t want to read any of my short stories, but are curious about them, here’s a podcast featuring several of my weirder pieces.

And it’s hosted by an adorable teddy bear, so everything is wonderful!



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The Show is the best, like, ever

April 24, 2017 at 2:27 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

I don’t review a lot of the silent movies I watch on this blog (or anywhere, truthfully) because I know you guys don’t care about silent movies as much as I do.

It’s like y’all are my daughter, rolling her eyes at me every time she hears the word “silent.”

But that will all change once you see Tod Browning’s The Show.


I love this movie so much if it was possible to marry a movie I would marry this movie, so take that, junior high taunters.

It’s got John Gilbert (and his ridiculous mustache) playing a carny who goes by — are you ready for this? I know you think you’re ready, but you’re probably not ready. Anyway, gird your loins, because this is awesome — COCK ROBIN.

And oh my god you guys, his costume!

Cock Robin!

Yes, I know it’s a nursery rhyme, but that’s OBVIOUSLY not how they meant it.

And, of course, because it’s a Tod Browning film, everything takes place at a circus/carnival, because when you live in a Tod Browning movie, it is all carnival all the time. So there’s random freak show girls and the adorable Renee Adoree and a total POISON IGUANA and Lionel Barrymore, the second hottest Barrymore of all.

Of course I meant John Barrymore! Granddaughter Drew is my third hottest Barrymore, and that’s final.

Now, the plot: Lionel Barrymore is totally dating Renee Adoree, who used to date Cock Robin (hee!) because she has terrible taste in men for reasons that will be later revealed. Also, Lionel Barrymore is a really bad dude. (And so is his character in the movie, ha, ha, ha.) So he straight-up murders this guy so he can rob him, but the guy’s billfold is empty! And it turns out the dead guy left the money with his daughter, a random girl who is in love with COCK ROBIN! (Ahem. Hee!)

Pictured here: A scene with Lionel Barrymore and Cock Robin, and they’re all like: “I’ll cut you,” “No, I’ll cut you.”

Cock Robin ends up with the money and Renee Adoree’s love, which really ticks off Lionel Barrymore. So he decides to murder Cock Robin, but instead of just shooting him like he did the first guy he murdered, he decides to do it in a roundabout way during a staging of Salome, so that Renee Adoree will see her lover’s head brought to her on a silver platter!

Let him die, Renee Adoree! He tried to wreck up your pretty face!!


Anyway, that belabored plan doesn’t work for some reason, and Cock Robin has to go into hiding in Renee Adoree’s attic. Whilst there, he learns that she reads letters to a blind man from the blind man’s soldier son. THEN he learns that the son isn’t a soldier, but is actually a prisoner set to be hanged! Then the blind old man hears his voice and thinks it’s his son and he’s just SO HAPPY he takes Cock Robin back to his apartment and DIES OF JOY.

And then we learn that it’s actually Renee Adoree’s dad, who wasn’t even nice to her because he only loved his criminal son, and that explains her terrible, terrible taste in men, because she only knows criminals and jerks.

“Don’t leave me, Cock Robin! You are seriously the least horrible man I know!”

The good news is this leads to a change of heart for Cock Robin, and they start to fall IN LOVE.

BUT WAIT! You’d forgotten Lionel Barrymore and his needlessly complicated murder plans, hadn’t you??? You’d forgotten the POISON IGUANA!!! Well, not to worry, because Lionel Barrymore has totally sneaked into the attic to try to murder Cock Robin using a venomous lizard, because of course he would. And it is GLORIOUS.

I am so sad that this is the only picture of the POISON IGUANA I could find.

Anyway, Lionel Barrymore doesn’t succeed, and the movie ends with some girls at the carnival whispering about how Renee Adoree kept Cock Robin locked up alone in her house with her for weeks, and another girl hears them and delivers the best line, as she eyes John Gilbert in his tight-fitting costume:

“Who wouldn’t?”


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I can’t read a room: A true story

April 13, 2017 at 1:29 pm (Randomosity)

Holy cow, you guys! What have I been doing this month?

“To Blog or … Nope. ‘Not to’ it is.”

Anyhow, to make up for your lack of funny, insightful genius from me, here’s an anecdote about how I do stupid things sometimes a lot of the time:

So there I was, invited to this writers’ group a friend of mine had set up. It was a group of nice, older women who like stories about cats and sweet grandpas. “Oh, what do you write?” they said.

I read them a pleasant story I’d written about birds living in a box store. They liked it, but it was really short. “Why don’t you read another?”

“Sure,” I said, and proceeded to read them my story about a woman having an affair with a guy whose wife is in a coma, and it ends with him taking her to bed and asking her to stay still. Really still.


“That’s … very nice, dear,” they said politely.

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