Spider-monkeys are desirable, apparently
So my new interest, now that I’ve read, like, ALL the books on Depression-era criminals and sideshow freaks, is cults!
And my favorite fact (so far!) about Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple is that, for a while, to make ends meet, he sold Spider Monkeys door to door.
He sold Spider Monkeys door to door!!!!
Because apparently, in the 1950s, the demand for Spider Monkeys was so large that you could just knock on someone’s door and be like “Hi, I’m Jim Jones, would you like a spider monkey?” And they would be like “Hell yes!”
The 1904 Olympics Marathon: horror show or most amazing thing ever?
I recently learned about the 1904 Olympics Marathon.
For background, there is one thing you should know (well, there’s a lot of things you should know and I will get to them, but this specific thing is wonderfully horrible, so I wanted to open with it):
The good people of the early 20th century had a theory about water and athletes. And that theory was: WATER IS BAD FOR ATHLETES NO WATER FOR YOU NO
Which is why there was only ONE WATER STOP in the entire marathon course, and also why the winning runner, when pleading for a drink, was given brandy, plus a mixture of egg whites and strychnine.
As you can probably imagine, the winner (Thomas Hicks) began to hallucinate, nearly died and had to be carried over the finish line.
But the hi-jinks don’t end there!
Originally, Thomas Hicks (again, a man who had been given booze and poison and was carried across the finish line) was not the first one to complete the race! That honor goes to Fred Lorz, who dropped out of this hell race at about the 9-mile mark —
— and hitched a ride in a car for several miles. Feeling better (presumably after having licked the dew off the car’s windshield or something), he decided to hop out and run the rest of the way. Being a bit of a practical joker, he decided, “heck, why not just go for it!” and jogged across the finish line, waving to fans and meeting the president’s daughter and being awarded a medal before being stripped of it by people who just can’t take a joke, apparently.
But he’s not even the coolest person in this ridiculous race!
I mean, other than the guy whose esophagus started bleeding from all the dust coating it from this horrible, evil devil’s course, there’s also:
Cuban mail carrier Félix Carvajal!
He placed fourth, but might have done better had he not stopped to eat some rotten apples —
— and then took a nap to recover.
In his later life, he was supposed to compete in Greece, but disappeared somewhere in Italy, was pronounced dead, but then showed up a few months later, not dead at all and WHY HAS NO ONE MADE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS MAN
Then there was Len Taunyane! He placed ninth, and let me just directly quote from his Wikipedia entry here: “This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure that Taunyane could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.”
Taunyane ran alongside his countryman Jan Mashiani, who came in twelfth. And now I’m just going to throw in a picture of these badasses, because they look about as happy to be at this godawful marathon as anyone would be.
I feel like, at this point, I should mention it was also 90 degrees that day.
Ninety.
Degrees.
Anyway! The 1904 Olympics marathon was a nightmare for those involved, and the organizer of the race, James E. Sullivan, announced that it was too brutal a sport for mankind and should be abolished or something.
Mind you, this is the dude who was like “no water stops for these happy assholes!”
Anyway, here’s a picture of a children’s book about the whole ordeal, because I’ve been yammering on for a very, very long time now.
Mortal Kombat looks so bad/good
Y’all! I want to see the Mortal Kombat movie so bad!
It’s got this scene where Subzero is all like, stab-stab-stab, freeze-freeze-freeze, and then he stabs this guy and when the blood shoots out of the wound, he freezes that and stabs the guy with his own blood.
Then it’s got Hiroyuki Sanada!
And a foreboding temple or castle or something!
And some dialogue about destiny or something, who really cares.
And, at some point, someone definitely says “FINISH HIM.”
In other news, I can crack walnuts with my thighs
There are so many detestable jumping jack variations!
Squat jacks? Who came up with that? I hate them! I hate them so much!
It’s been a long time since I posted, but this will be so funny and totally worth it, I swear
So I think the character it would really suck to be is that one guy in the horror movie.
The guy! You know, the guy!
Imagine this: You’ve been fighting an unimaginable horror for years. Decades even. Sure, you’re looking a little worse for the wear. Your teeth aren’t great. You’ve got crazy hair. Hell, you’ve got total crazy eyes! But, you know, it’s hard to get spa days when you are fighting unspeakable evil.
And you are at the top of your game. You are one badass mo-fi*!
*It’s short for “monster fighter” but also a play on “mofo.” You like it? You can have it, it’s totally a gift. I’ve got plenty of these!
And then they show up. These kids nowadays with their haircuts and their premarital sex and their wandering off into the dark alone and what even kind of music is that?
And they take one look at you and decide you’re suspicious. Hell, you’re probably the weirdo responsible for killing the black guy or the sluttiest girl, whoever’s already dead by now.
But you, being the nice guy you are, explain the situation to them.
Sure, there’s maybe some ranting, possibly a bit of raving, but they have to know what sort of horrific monster they’re facing.
So, finally, they untie you or shake your hand or whatever the hell, and then boom! These idiots are attacked by the monster you’ve been battling. And the next thing you know, double boom! You’ve been decapitated or disemboweled or some godawful thing, and the kids are like “whoa man, that’s so gnarly,” and then they run away and end up beating the monster, leaving your corpse where it lies, to rot.
And that is the character I think it would suck to be.
Batwoman’s ex so stupid? How stupid is she?
I know I haven’t posted in a while! I’ve been busy (BUY MY BOOK! ha ha, just kidding. Please buy my book?) and, as usual from working in the world’s depressingest industry, just not very funny lately.
But I’m here now. To complain about Batwoman’s ex-girlfriend, Sophie.
You were always out of Sophie’s league, Batwoman.
She is just the worst at her job. She’s terrible. She lets the evil villain Alice (who is, by the way, the annoyingest villain ever and I hope they get rid of her after season 1, because I am just here to see Ruby Rose kick ass and hook up with beautiful ladies) have a copy of her Alice in Wonderland book!
Love that coat, though.
“I had it x-rayed *and a bunch of other things,” smugs Sophie. So she knows it’s harmless! But, unless you were only just born, in which case, hi! Welcome to the world!, it is OBVIOUS something bad will happen!
And, of course, something bad happens and the evil villain Alice escapes and murders two people and lets Sophie go to stew over the fact that she is closeted.
Man, Sophie, was your job really worth it when you are so very bad at it?
Then Batwoman comes bopping up and is like, “oh, Sophie, you poor thing, how do you feel?” and Sophie is like, “bad, I guess,” like her incompetence didn’t just get two people totally murdered, and ALSO, Batwoman, SHE REVEALED YOUR SECRET CODE TO YOUR EVIL FRATERNAL TWIN.
Also, I want it to be known for the record that Batwoman’s stepsister Mary is actually Batman, because she plays the role of a dizzy socialite so she can secretly help people! (As a doctor in her secret clinic, but still! BATMAN.)
You should buy my book, even Buzzfeed thinks so!
I know I never update this site! (Hi, faithful readers, whom I have ignored for SUCH A LONG TIME) But I have some really exciting news!
I’m going to have a book! A real actual for real yes it’s true book!
And BUZZFEED thinks you should read it! (They also probably think I should cool it on the exclamation points, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Anyway, you can preorder/order the book here! (It’s about murdered ladies, and isn’t funny, I’m very sorry.)
(PS: The cover art is by the amazing Sarah Shields, isn’t it gorgeous???)
I love you, Legends of Tomorrow
So on Mondays, instead of Supergirl, the CW has been showing DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. (On a completely unrelated tangent-thingy, how weird is it that it’s THE CW and not just CW?? Wouldn’t it feel weird to say “The NBC” or “The FX”? Yet it feels right to say “The CW. Anyway!)
“The CW: So much prettier than the other stations.”
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow is far superior to Supergirl.
“Seriously, everything on this station is pretty.”
It is funny and the dialogue is a little less on the nose and just LOVE the evil villain, he is the very best thing.
“It’s evil how good I look in this fedora and/or trilby, you mean.”
Also, Brandon Routh’s character (yes, I haven’t bothered to learn the characters’ names, it’s true) is as excited to meet John Noble as I would be.
“I LOVE YOU JOHN NOBLE THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE YOU COULDN’T BE MORE AMAZING.”
Like, you guys, SO excited.
Like, they’re going to fight a time demon, change a timeline and save the universe, and he’s like, “YES BUT I MET JOHN NOBLE.”
“And have I mentioned how distractingly PRETTY we all are?”
Another request from my daughter
“Oh, I thought that guy standing on the side of the road was an ostrich,” I said. “Hmmm, now I want to write a story about fighting an ostrich.”
“You don’t have to say every single thing you think of, you know,” my daughter replied.
This ostrich says I should just write that story, though.
Best Belchers from Bob’s Burgers
Here is a list of my favorite Belchers, in order from least favorite to favorite, because I’m sure you care.
5. Coming in fifth is Gene, the least essential Belcher. He likes farts and being annoying (and who doesn’t?), but … yeah. He’s fine. Just … fine.
And I’m sorry, but I’m just not down with lazy musicians. PRACTICE MORE, Gene.
4. Linda. Linda Belcher. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I’m also deeply annoyed by her enthusiasm.
Although, lately I have been saying “All right” in a Linda voice….
3. Tina. Tina’s cool, I guess. I mean, apparently I AM Tina, so I guess I like her? I love her little tube socks with the skirt look she’s got going, that’s something.
Hmmm. Easy Halloween costume or easi-EST Halloween costume?
2. Oh, you thought Louise would be my number-one pick, didn’t you! Because Louise is wonderful and trickster-y and cute bunny ears-wearing and I want to marry her when she grows up! Yes! She is all those things and more. But…
“Yeah, what? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem right.”
1. Bob Belcher is my dream boy. He is voice by H. Jon Benjamin, he has a hamburger restaurant, that ridiculous mustache and God bless him, he tries so damn hard. I love you always, Bob!
“Here, have a hamburger,” he says dreamily, in H. Jon Benjamin’s voice.
Hollywood Hates Me 