Hey, look, it’s a new post!

June 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Randomosity) (, , )

Hey, blog, hey!

Hey, Girl!

So you probably thought I’d given up on you, but I haven’t! I mean, I didn’t on purpose or anything. It’s just … the world’s been kind of shit lately, and I haven’t been able to be funny at all.

But last night that all changed.

Because I found my BEST SHOW EVER.

It is called Still Star-Crossed (Still Star-Crossed!!! What a name! I love you so much, show!), and it is about Romeo and Juliet, except after Romeo and Juliet are already dead, so I guess I could’ve just said “It’s about the Capulets and the Montagues,” but … Eh.

It’s my first Shondaland show! (That I liked.)

I missed the first episode apparently, which makes me sad, because I’m sure it was awesome, but the second episode was SO GOOD. There’s a prince who’s having an affair with Rosalind (Capulet, apparently, in this version), except Rosalind has to get married to pouty-face Benvolio (Montague, Romeo’s cousin), BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCE. You guys, the drama! The absolute drama.

And you know they’re going to BOTH fall for her and it will be AMAZING.

Then the prince’s sister has to go around stuffed into these godawful dresses, and I don’t think she even breathed once because no one’s waist is that tiny, and Rosalind keeps hanging around her being all, Thank God my costumes FIT, you know? (And all the dudes are in leather pants and they keep walking around bowlegged because leather pants are SO sweaty, amiright??)

OK, this image cuts off a little early, but imagine her waist is about as big around as her neck and you get the idea.

In the meantime, Juliet’s mother is freaking out that someone talked her into suicide, which — wow, Juliet’s mom must’ve read her some Shakespeare back in the day, and Juliet’s father is freaking out because he’s out of money, BUT NO ONE CAN KNOW. So he totally meets with this architect who’s supposed to build the chapel for Rosalind and Benvolio’s wedding, and he’s all, I’m gonna blame you if it doesn’t get built, and the architect is like, I’m not gonna take the fall, and the whole time they’re high up on this scaffolding, and so I say to my daughter: “Now he’s going to push that guy to his death and say: ‘You will take the fall,'” and then he did, and my daughter would’ve been impressed, but she was like, “Meh, I saw it coming too.”

Pictured here: Rosalind Capulet, relieved that she’s not standing on a precarious scaffolding with her eeeeeeevil uncle.

Anyway, the dialogue is SUPER ridiculous, like sometimes they’re trying to sound like Shakespearean, and other times they’re talking about screwing prostitutes, literally using the word “screw,” and everybody keeps gazing directly into the camera, and everybody looks like they just stepped off the set of a CW show and accidentally wandered over to ABC, and it is just glorious.

P.S. Thank you, costume designer, for making everybody look as miserable as possible. It is so great!

So I can’t wait to watch it again next week!

Permalink 1 Comment

If you hate reading…

April 26, 2017 at 3:56 pm (Randomosity)

Then you’re probably not reading this post. Crap, did this misfire.

Anyway! If you don’t want to read any of my short stories, but are curious about them, here’s a podcast featuring several of my weirder pieces.

And it’s hosted by an adorable teddy bear, so everything is wonderful!

 

 

Permalink Leave a Comment

The Show is the best, like, ever

April 24, 2017 at 2:27 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

I don’t review a lot of the silent movies I watch on this blog (or anywhere, truthfully) because I know you guys don’t care about silent movies as much as I do.

It’s like y’all are my daughter, rolling her eyes at me every time she hears the word “silent.”

But that will all change once you see Tod Browning’s The Show.

BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST EVER.

I love this movie so much if it was possible to marry a movie I would marry this movie, so take that, junior high taunters.

It’s got John Gilbert (and his ridiculous mustache) playing a carny who goes by — are you ready for this? I know you think you’re ready, but you’re probably not ready. Anyway, gird your loins, because this is awesome — COCK ROBIN.

And oh my god you guys, his costume!

Cock Robin!

Yes, I know it’s a nursery rhyme, but that’s OBVIOUSLY not how they meant it.

And, of course, because it’s a Tod Browning film, everything takes place at a circus/carnival, because when you live in a Tod Browning movie, it is all carnival all the time. So there’s random freak show girls and the adorable Renee Adoree and a total POISON IGUANA and Lionel Barrymore, the second hottest Barrymore of all.

Of course I meant John Barrymore! Granddaughter Drew is my third hottest Barrymore, and that’s final.

Now, the plot: Lionel Barrymore is totally dating Renee Adoree, who used to date Cock Robin (hee!) because she has terrible taste in men for reasons that will be later revealed. Also, Lionel Barrymore is a really bad dude. (And so is his character in the movie, ha, ha, ha.) So he straight-up murders this guy so he can rob him, but the guy’s billfold is empty! And it turns out the dead guy left the money with his daughter, a random girl who is in love with COCK ROBIN! (Ahem. Hee!)

Pictured here: A scene with Lionel Barrymore and Cock Robin, and they’re all like: “I’ll cut you,” “No, I’ll cut you.”

Cock Robin ends up with the money and Renee Adoree’s love, which really ticks off Lionel Barrymore. So he decides to murder Cock Robin, but instead of just shooting him like he did the first guy he murdered, he decides to do it in a roundabout way during a staging of Salome, so that Renee Adoree will see her lover’s head brought to her on a silver platter!

Let him die, Renee Adoree! He tried to wreck up your pretty face!!

MWA HA HA HA!

Anyway, that belabored plan doesn’t work for some reason, and Cock Robin has to go into hiding in Renee Adoree’s attic. Whilst there, he learns that she reads letters to a blind man from the blind man’s soldier son. THEN he learns that the son isn’t a soldier, but is actually a prisoner set to be hanged! Then the blind old man hears his voice and thinks it’s his son and he’s just SO HAPPY he takes Cock Robin back to his apartment and DIES OF JOY.

And then we learn that it’s actually Renee Adoree’s dad, who wasn’t even nice to her because he only loved his criminal son, and that explains her terrible, terrible taste in men, because she only knows criminals and jerks.

“Don’t leave me, Cock Robin! You are seriously the least horrible man I know!”

The good news is this leads to a change of heart for Cock Robin, and they start to fall IN LOVE.

BUT WAIT! You’d forgotten Lionel Barrymore and his needlessly complicated murder plans, hadn’t you??? You’d forgotten the POISON IGUANA!!! Well, not to worry, because Lionel Barrymore has totally sneaked into the attic to try to murder Cock Robin using a venomous lizard, because of course he would. And it is GLORIOUS.

I am so sad that this is the only picture of the POISON IGUANA I could find.

Anyway, Lionel Barrymore doesn’t succeed, and the movie ends with some girls at the carnival whispering about how Renee Adoree kept Cock Robin locked up alone in her house with her for weeks, and another girl hears them and delivers the best line, as she eyes John Gilbert in his tight-fitting costume:

“Who wouldn’t?”

*SIGHHHHHHHH*

Permalink Leave a Comment

I can’t read a room: A true story

April 13, 2017 at 1:29 pm (Randomosity)

Holy cow, you guys! What have I been doing this month?

“To Blog or … Nope. ‘Not to’ it is.”

Anyhow, to make up for your lack of funny, insightful genius from me, here’s an anecdote about how I do stupid things sometimes a lot of the time:

So there I was, invited to this writers’ group a friend of mine had set up. It was a group of nice, older women who like stories about cats and sweet grandpas. “Oh, what do you write?” they said.

I read them a pleasant story I’d written about birds living in a box store. They liked it, but it was really short. “Why don’t you read another?”

“Sure,” I said, and proceeded to read them my story about a woman having an affair with a guy whose wife is in a coma, and it ends with him taking her to bed and asking her to stay still. Really still.

“…”

“That’s … very nice, dear,” they said politely.

Permalink 1 Comment

Why do I like Trial and Error?

March 29, 2017 at 2:07 pm (Randomosity) (, )

Two words, easily summed up: John Lithgow.

John Lithgow is great, you guys. I love John Lithgow. I love him so much he is actually one of the actors whose real name I can remember. He is really, just really SO GOOD.

Hi, John Lithgow! I think you’re great.

And Trial and Error is really very funny, with all of the other characters, like whatsisname the out-of-state lawyer and the feisty DA and the lady with face blindness and the dude who just wants a disembodied body part of his own. And they work out of a taxidermist’s office, just like there is literally a taxidermist right down the street from me. There is, like, nothing funnier than taxidermy. Especially when you take little rodents and have them reading a book. It’s really cute and also funny.

Okay … it’s funnier when they’re in a little rocking chair.

Oooh, and speaking of funny, I actually laughed out loud at the scene in the pilot, where John Lithgow hands his dog to the reporter lady as he’s being taken off to jail for murdering his wife (the fourth leading cause of death in his hometown is listed as “Larry Henderson,” which is John Lithgow’s character’s name, which is funnier than I just made it sound), and then it turns out he forgot to let go of the leash and the world’s second fakest dog is yanked away by the police car.

… It looks pretty fake here, too.

(The world’s fakest dog is in this here video. It’s funny, too!)

Anyway, Trial and Error is far superior to Powerless, plus it doesn’t even have that National Park-desecrating Vanessa Hudgins in it, so even if the writing wasn’t snappier and the acting wasn’t stronger, it would be better by default, so you should watch it.

I KNOW I SUCK AT REVIEWS. IT’S JUST FUNNY, OKAY?

Permalink Leave a Comment

I’ve got some friends with books

March 9, 2017 at 4:32 pm (Randomosity) (, )

So, you guys! You guys! I’ve got some very talented writer friends. There’s the lovely BrikHaus and the equally lovely Michael Ampersant. And they’ve both published books, and they’re super good and you should read them!

Here’s a picture of a book, because this post was a little text-heavy at the top.

… Here’s the caveat, though. They’re both genre books, so if you’re not into literary erotica or dystopian satire, then maybe don’t read them. But maybe recommend them to your friends who are into those kinds of books, because they are really good. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I love these guys.

Or I am, because I love them because they’re both funny, talented writers.

Another caveat: These are both self-published books, but here’s the thing — they were self-published by writers who actually know a bit about editing. (I’m looking at you, sloppily-written Barker Gang book I regret purchasing.) They’re both, if you spring for the paperback rather than the Kindle version, nicely made, professional books. (I’m really enjoying using the word caveat today.)

SERIOUSLY YOU NEED AN EDITOR, W.D. SMITH.

Anyway, here’s a rundown of what to love about these books.

Green Eyes, which I’m linking to again, is a witty love story/crime story/plenty of sex of, like, all kinds story/just a lot of fun story. It’s written in a literary style with a slightly unreliable narrator.

Although the cover has more male nipple than you usually see on this blog….

Safety Nation, which again I’m linking to again (yes I know that made no sense), is set in a horrific future where the government actually cares about our health and safety, but, being the government, they take it too far. As usual.

… And here’s less male nipple than you were probably hoping for.

Anyway, you should give these books a try, even though I am a terrible reviewer, because they’re good books by good folks. And I hear there’s sequels in the works, so (insert smiley face here).

Smiley face inserted.

Permalink 2 Comments

The Lego Batman Movie is a study in cute

February 23, 2017 at 12:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

This weekend, my daughter and I saw The Lego Batman Movie. This was to make up for that time I promised her we would go see The Lego Movie, but secretly I didn’t want to, and then we never saw it. She likes to remind me of that from time to time, and also that lying is wrong.

"And that is why I've decided to apply for emancipation."

“And that is why I’ve decided to apply for emancipation.”

Anyway, I don’t know how The Lego Movie is, but The Lego Batman Movie is very cute. Their little Lego bodies are cute. Their little Lego faces are cute. The references to various movie villains is super-cute, because AWWWWW THEIR SAURON IS MADE OF LEGOS IT IS SO CUTE.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

I’ve heard people describe The Lego Batman Movie as the best Batman movie ever, because those silly guys clearly aren’t familiar with this work of staggering genius, and also my personal fave from the late ’80s.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

I mean, it’s got a pretty potent storyline (Lego Batman is afraid of losing people, probably because he has lost Legos in the carpet before and then stepped on them with his bare feet), but the best Batman movie ever?

It doesn’t even have Batdance!

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

Permalink 2 Comments

Powerless is cute, I guess

February 3, 2017 at 12:36 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

My biggest problem with Powerless is that every time Vanessa Hudgens is on the screen (and she is the main character, so she is on the screen a lot), I get really angry because she is a national park-grafittiying jerk.

There's only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

There’s only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

Anyway, her character is the perky, always-look-on-the-bright-side kind of person that just rubs me the wrong way.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

But the show itself is funny, and I like the other characters, because they are mean and broken like me, and also they hate Vanessa Hudgens, because how can you not?

"UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?" "I KNOW, RIGHT?"

“UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?”

The pilot episode establishes that the characters work for Bruce Wayne, inventing things to protect the powerless from supervillains (and also the fallout from superheroes, as evidenced by one character saying the number one cause of workplace injury is Superman crashing through windows), and they’re not doing great, and everyone gets fired, but then Vanessa Hudgens comes up with a brainstorm, which is silly, because she is NOT an idea man, and then all their jobs are saved. And then Batman uses a similar invention to fight a bad guy, and the characters and my daughter are all like: “Wow, what a coincidence,” and I shook my head in shame because I have told my daughter Batman’s secret identity so many times I probably qualify as a supervillain by now.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

Permalink 2 Comments

Why do I like The Good Place so much?

January 20, 2017 at 10:34 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

The Good Place is this new show starring Veronica Mars…

"I do have an actual name, you know."

“I do have an actual name, you know.”

… Sam from Cheers…

"I also actually have a name."

“I also actually have a name.”

…this actor I’m not familiar with playing Chidi…

"Seriously, maybe try learning people's actual names?"

“Seriously, maybe try learning people’s actual names?”

…this tall drink of water playing Tahani…

"For God's sake, woman, it's Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!"

“For God’s sake, woman, it’s Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!”

… the hilarious living app Janet…

"You need an app for PEOPLE'S NAMES."

“You need an app for PEOPLE’S NAMES.”

… and Manny Jacinto.

"Why is this literally the only name you can remember?"

“Why is this literally the only name you can remember?”

Anyway, it’s about heaven and how Veronica Mars doesn’t belong there, and it just ended its first (only????) season with an awesome twist that my daughter informs me I totally called back in the fall when we first started watching it.

So, just so you know, even if I can't remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

So, just so you know, even if I can’t remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

You should watch it.

Actually, you should’ve watched it when it was airing, because it might not be back for a second season, and that would be sad, because it’s really funny.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it's not cancelled.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it’s not canceled.

Permalink 5 Comments

Speaking of TV I don’t enjoy

January 2, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Randomosity) ()

… Here’s a list of television shows I’ve been watching lately that are kind of awful.

The Great American Baking Competition. My mother and my daughter love this show about people baking stuff and then we don’t get to eat it.

And nobody even says "I'm not here to make friends," and they're all just so nice.

And nobody even says “I’m not here to make friends,” and they’re all just so nice.

Ransom. I watched what was clearly the first episode of this paint-by-numbers procedural last night because I think I’m suicidal or something, seriously, why didn’t I do anything else? And at the end, it was all like: “New episodes! Saturday evening, where TV shows go to die!” So clearly CBS thinks as highly of it as I did.

This show couldn't be more mediocre if it tried.

This show couldn’t be more mediocre if it tried.

Some procedural on ABC that has Iceman or his twin brother in it, and I can’t even bother to remember the name of it. It’s some show about how they try to save people from execution, I think? And they were trying to get this girl who murdered her rapist out of prison? And then it turned out she wasn’t the real murderer? And I was like, “Um, it’s obviously the rape counselor?” And 20 minutes later, the characters were like, “Oh, it’s obviously the rape counselor?”

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can't remember and don't care about the name of this show.

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can’t remember and don’t care about the name of this show.

To Tell the Truth. This actually had a Soul Train dancer and a Solid Gold dancer show up, so, by default, it is the best thing I have watched on television lately.

... I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

… I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

Permalink 4 Comments

Next page »