Powerless is cute, I guess

February 3, 2017 at 12:36 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

My biggest problem with Powerless is that every time Vanessa Hudgens is on the screen (and she is the main character, so she is on the screen a lot), I get really angry because she is a national park-grafittiying jerk.

There's only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

There’s only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

Anyway, her character is the perky, always-look-on-the-bright-side kind of person that just rubs me the wrong way.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

But the show itself is funny, and I like the other characters, because they are mean and broken like me, and also they hate Vanessa Hudgens, because how can you not?

"UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?" "I KNOW, RIGHT?"

“UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?”

The pilot episode establishes that the characters work for Bruce Wayne, inventing things to protect the powerless from supervillains (and also the fallout from superheroes, as evidenced by one character saying the number one cause of workplace injury is Superman crashing through windows), and they’re not doing great, and everyone gets fired, but then Vanessa Hudgens comes up with a brainstorm, which is silly, because she is NOT an idea man, and then all their jobs are saved. And then Batman uses a similar invention to fight a bad guy, and the characters and my daughter are all like: “Wow, what a coincidence,” and I shook my head in shame because I have told my daughter Batman’s secret identity so many times I probably qualify as a supervillain by now.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

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Why do I like The Good Place so much?

January 20, 2017 at 10:34 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

The Good Place is this new show starring Veronica Mars…

"I do have an actual name, you know."

“I do have an actual name, you know.”

… Sam from Cheers…

"I also actually have a name."

“I also actually have a name.”

…this actor I’m not familiar with playing Chidi…

"Seriously, maybe try learning people's actual names?"

“Seriously, maybe try learning people’s actual names?”

…this tall drink of water playing Tahani…

"For God's sake, woman, it's Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!"

“For God’s sake, woman, it’s Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!”

… the hilarious living app Janet…

"You need an app for PEOPLE'S NAMES."

“You need an app for PEOPLE’S NAMES.”

… and Manny Jacinto.

"Why is this literally the only name you can remember?"

“Why is this literally the only name you can remember?”

Anyway, it’s about heaven and how Veronica Mars doesn’t belong there, and it just ended its first (only????) season with an awesome twist that my daughter informs me I totally called back in the fall when we first started watching it.

So, just so you know, even if I can't remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

So, just so you know, even if I can’t remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

You should watch it.

Actually, you should’ve watched it when it was airing, because it might not be back for a second season, and that would be sad, because it’s really funny.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it's not cancelled.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it’s not canceled.

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Speaking of TV I don’t enjoy

January 2, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Randomosity) ()

… Here’s a list of television shows I’ve been watching lately that are kind of awful.

The Great American Baking Competition. My mother and my daughter love this show about people baking stuff and then we don’t get to eat it.

And nobody even says "I'm not here to make friends," and they're all just so nice.

And nobody even says “I’m not here to make friends,” and they’re all just so nice.

Ransom. I watched what was clearly the first episode of this paint-by-numbers procedural last night because I think I’m suicidal or something, seriously, why didn’t I do anything else? And at the end, it was all like: “New episodes! Saturday evening, where TV shows go to die!” So clearly CBS thinks as highly of it as I did.

This show couldn't be more mediocre if it tried.

This show couldn’t be more mediocre if it tried.

Some procedural on ABC that has Iceman or his twin brother in it, and I can’t even bother to remember the name of it. It’s some show about how they try to save people from execution, I think? And they were trying to get this girl who murdered her rapist out of prison? And then it turned out she wasn’t the real murderer? And I was like, “Um, it’s obviously the rape counselor?” And 20 minutes later, the characters were like, “Oh, it’s obviously the rape counselor?”

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can't remember and don't care about the name of this show.

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can’t remember and don’t care about the name of this show.

To Tell the Truth. This actually had a Soul Train dancer and a Solid Gold dancer show up, so, by default, it is the best thing I have watched on television lately.

... I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

… I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

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Abominable is a good word, though

January 2, 2017 at 5:02 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones here.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones here.

I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.

No, I'm sorry, guys. I'll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

No, I’m sorry, guys. I’ll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.

"Seriously, you are an awful detective."

“Seriously, you are an awful detective.”

Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.

"Soooo ... can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?" "Let's just say it was all in Holmes's mind and call it a day, shall we?" "Let's do."

“Soooo … can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?”
“Let’s just say it was all in Holmes’s mind and call it a day, shall we?”
“Let’s do.”

Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE."

“WHEEEEEEEEEE.”

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Goddamn this year

December 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?

CARRIE FISHER?

Princess Leia?

Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.

I salute you, General Leia.

I salute you, General Leia.

 

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Stuff that bugs my mom right now

December 22, 2016 at 2:21 pm (Randomosity) ()

My mom gets really irritated when I describe a white person as being white, so I like to do it every chance I get.

"You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he's white? A white famous actor?"

“You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he’s white? A white famous actor?”

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Steel, Men of

December 14, 2016 at 10:07 am (Randomosity) ()

Because I am actually a 12-year-old boy, when I saw the sign on my drive home last night advertising “Steel Erection,” I immediately thought of Superman.

Because, he's, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

Because, he’s, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

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When parallel universes collide

December 7, 2016 at 10:23 am (Randomosity)

So, today, my comic book store boss and my funeral home boss will meet for the first time.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

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Moana wasn’t terrible

November 30, 2016 at 11:02 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

… although this post title is.

“Your post title is bad, and you’re bad.”

Hi, everybody! I’m not dead or even in a coma, but it has been very busy at work, and also I did Thanksgiving (you guys should try my mashed potatoes with caramelized onions, because they are so good), so Internetting has been about the last thing on my mind.

But I’m back, and I’m sorry, and I went to Moana with my daughter last weekend, because sometimes she makes me go to Disney movies. (I guess our only other option was the new Harry Potter minus Harry Potter thing, but, then again, Eddie Redmayne is really pretty.)

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

So, Moana! Here’s some things I love about it:

  1. Casting actual Pacific Islanders to voice-act. That’s cool.
  2. The song the crab sings.
  3. Dwayne Johnson is finally the sexiest man alive, like, jeez, what took so long? Were you waiting for him to not be alive?
  4. Auli’i Cravalho has a gorgeous voice.

Also, the plot was fine, and I’m pretty sure they got the Maui myth about right (I’m sorry, but I’m not as up on my Pacific Island mythology/folklore as I should be!), and the stupid chicken was even stupider than the chicken I had when I was a kid, so that was good.

Makes you feel pretty okay with eating 'em.

Makes you feel pretty okay about eating ’em.

My daughter says it was really good and you should go watch it, and I’ll just say: Yeah, it was fine.

Look,

Look, “I didn’t hate it” is high praise for a Disney flick from me.

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Han and Leia sitting in a tree

November 17, 2016 at 2:12 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.

Please don't ruin this for me, guys.

Please don’t ruin this for me, guys.

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