Spider-monkeys are desirable, apparently

November 13, 2021 at 3:34 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

So my new interest, now that I’ve read, like, ALL the books on Depression-era criminals and sideshow freaks, is cults!

Not the band, but also YES the band.

And my favorite fact (so far!) about Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple is that, for a while, to make ends meet, he sold Spider Monkeys door to door.

He sold Spider Monkeys door to door!!!!

For reference, this is a spider monkey….
… and this is a door.

Because apparently, in the 1950s, the demand for Spider Monkeys was so large that you could just knock on someone’s door and be like “Hi, I’m Jim Jones, would you like a spider monkey?” And they would be like “Hell yes!”

“You had me at ‘Spider Monkey,’ you charismatic bastard!”

Permalink Leave a Comment

The 1904 Olympics Marathon: horror show or most amazing thing ever?

April 28, 2021 at 1:44 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

I recently learned about the 1904 Olympics Marathon.

For background, there is one thing you should know (well, there’s a lot of things you should know and I will get to them, but this specific thing is wonderfully horrible, so I wanted to open with it):

The good people of the early 20th century had a theory about water and athletes. And that theory was: WATER IS BAD FOR ATHLETES NO WATER FOR YOU NO

Which is why there was only ONE WATER STOP in the entire marathon course, and also why the winning runner, when pleading for a drink, was given brandy, plus a mixture of egg whites and strychnine.

Water = bad, Poison = good

As you can probably imagine, the winner (Thomas Hicks) began to hallucinate, nearly died and had to be carried over the finish line.

Apparently, his little legs were going the whole time anyway, so this is basically how I pictured the poor, poisoned bastard.

But the hi-jinks don’t end there!

Originally, Thomas Hicks (again, a man who had been given booze and poison and was carried across the finish line) was not the first one to complete the race! That honor goes to Fred Lorz, who dropped out of this hell race at about the 9-mile mark —

Pictured here: Fred Lorz, pleading for water

— and hitched a ride in a car for several miles. Feeling better (presumably after having licked the dew off the car’s windshield or something), he decided to hop out and run the rest of the way. Being a bit of a practical joker, he decided, “heck, why not just go for it!” and jogged across the finish line, waving to fans and meeting the president’s daughter and being awarded a medal before being stripped of it by people who just can’t take a joke, apparently.

And, yeah, this is absolutely the face of a dude who would stroll across the finish line of a race and be like “what.”

But he’s not even the coolest person in this ridiculous race!

I mean, other than the guy whose esophagus started bleeding from all the dust coating it from this horrible, evil devil’s course, there’s also:

Cuban mail carrier Félix Carvajal!

He arrived in formal attire, basically, and one of his competitors nicely helped him out by cutting off the bottom of his pants and making these fancy capris for him.

He placed fourth, but might have done better had he not stopped to eat some rotten apples —

“Apples, please, apples”

— and then took a nap to recover.

In his later life, he was supposed to compete in Greece, but disappeared somewhere in Italy, was pronounced dead, but then showed up a few months later, not dead at all and WHY HAS NO ONE MADE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS MAN

Then there was Len Taunyane! He placed ninth, and let me just directly quote from his Wikipedia entry here: “This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure that Taunyane could have done better if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by aggressive dogs.”

When asked, the race’s organizers were like “Well, if the esophagus-tearing dust, poison and dehydration wasn’t enough, we figured we needed to add some terrifying hell hounds just to make sure these guys were really trying.”

Taunyane ran alongside his countryman Jan Mashiani, who came in twelfth. And now I’m just going to throw in a picture of these badasses, because they look about as happy to be at this godawful marathon as anyone would be.

Also to point out that Taunyane (on the right [I mean OUR right]) not only battled off vicious dogs, dehydration, dudes offering shots of poison, rotten apples and all that fecking dust, DID THIS ALL WITHOUT SHOES! NO SHOES HAD HE! NONE! SHOELESS HE RAN!

I feel like, at this point, I should mention it was also 90 degrees that day.



And you all thought I was exaggerating when I used this picture.

Anyway! The 1904 Olympics marathon was a nightmare for those involved, and the organizer of the race, James E. Sullivan, announced that it was too brutal a sport for mankind and should be abolished or something.

Mind you, this is the dude who was like “no water stops for these happy assholes!”

“Mwa ha ha ha!” he was quoted as saying.

Anyway, here’s a picture of a children’s book about the whole ordeal, because I’ve been yammering on for a very, very long time now.

Aww, everyone is so cute here instead of nearly dead.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Mortal Kombat looks so bad/good

April 8, 2021 at 7:33 am (Randomosity) (, )

Y’all! I want to see the Mortal Kombat movie so bad!

It’s got this scene where Subzero is all like, stab-stab-stab, freeze-freeze-freeze, and then he stabs this guy and when the blood shoots out of the wound, he freezes that and stabs the guy with his own blood.

In high school, I was named “Most Likely to Freeze a Dude’s Blood and Murder Him with It.”

Then it’s got Hiroyuki Sanada!

“Hello, I’m Hiroyuki Sanada and I’m here to make your movie better through the sheer power of my existence.”

And a foreboding temple or castle or something!

Eh I couldn’t find a castle image right away, so I gave up, but here’s these cute little Funko Pops!

And some dialogue about destiny or something, who really cares.

It’s MY destiny to watch a movie with this many attractive men.

And, at some point, someone definitely says “FINISH HIM.”

I haven’t been this excited for something since I got my vaccine!

Permalink 1 Comment

In other news, I can crack walnuts with my thighs

December 8, 2020 at 4:21 pm (Randomosity)

There are so many detestable jumping jack variations!

Squat jacks? Who came up with that? I hate them! I hate them so much!

Wheeeeee. No, seriously, I hate you.

Permalink Leave a Comment

It’s been a long time since I posted, but this will be so funny and totally worth it, I swear

November 10, 2020 at 9:08 am (Randomosity) (, , )

So I think the character it would really suck to be is that one guy in the horror movie.

The guy! You know, the guy!

This guy maybe? Man, image searches suck more than I remember!

Imagine this: You’ve been fighting an unimaginable horror for years. Decades even. Sure, you’re looking a little worse for the wear. Your teeth aren’t great. You’ve got crazy hair. Hell, you’ve got total crazy eyes! But, you know, it’s hard to get spa days when you are fighting unspeakable evil.

I was going to make a really clever Trump joke, but then I realized I didn’t want his face on my blog, so pretend there’s a hilarious image and caption here. I’m counting on you!

And you are at the top of your game. You are one badass mo-fi*!

*It’s short for “monster fighter” but also a play on “mofo.” You like it? You can have it, it’s totally a gift. I’ve got plenty of these!

This is you back in your early monster fighting days, you glorious creature!

And then they show up. These kids nowadays with their haircuts and their premarital sex and their wandering off into the dark alone and what even kind of music is that?

You photogenic little bastards, GET OFF MY LAWN.

And they take one look at you and decide you’re suspicious. Hell, you’re probably the weirdo responsible for killing the black guy or the sluttiest girl, whoever’s already dead by now.

But you, being the nice guy you are, explain the situation to them.

Sure, there’s maybe some ranting, possibly a bit of raving, but they have to know what sort of horrific monster they’re facing.

“And I swear to God, he will snap your spine and suck out your spleen while you’re still squirming!”

So, finally, they untie you or shake your hand or whatever the hell, and then boom! These idiots are attacked by the monster you’ve been battling. And the next thing you know, double boom! You’ve been decapitated or disemboweled or some godawful thing, and the kids are like “whoa man, that’s so gnarly,” and then they run away and end up beating the monster, leaving your corpse where it lies, to rot.

And that is the character I think it would suck to be.

Although you do get to have a flamethrower before you die horribly, that’s nice.

Permalink 2 Comments

Batwoman’s ex so stupid? How stupid is she?

January 27, 2020 at 5:24 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

I know I haven’t posted in a while! I’ve been busy (BUY MY BOOK! ha ha, just kidding. Please buy my book?) and, as usual from working in the world’s depressingest industry, just not very funny lately.

But I’m here now. To complain about Batwoman’s ex-girlfriend, Sophie.

You were always out of Sophie’s league, Batwoman.

She is just the worst at her job. She’s terrible. She lets the evil villain Alice (who is, by the way, the annoyingest villain ever and I hope they get rid of her after season 1, because I am just here to see Ruby Rose kick ass and hook up with beautiful ladies) have a copy of her Alice in Wonderland book!

Love that coat, though.

“I had it x-rayed *and a bunch of other things,” smugs Sophie. So she knows it’s harmless! But, unless you were only just born, in which case, hi! Welcome to the world!, it is OBVIOUS something bad will happen!

And, of course, something bad happens and the evil villain Alice escapes and murders two people and lets Sophie go to stew over the fact that she is closeted.

Man, Sophie, was your job really worth it when you are so very bad at it?

Then Batwoman comes bopping up and is like, “oh, Sophie, you poor thing, how do you feel?” and Sophie is like, “bad, I guess,” like her incompetence didn’t just get two people totally murdered, and ALSO, Batwoman, SHE REVEALED YOUR SECRET CODE TO YOUR EVIL FRATERNAL TWIN.

Also, I want it to be known for the record that Batwoman’s stepsister Mary is actually Batman, because she plays the role of a dizzy socialite so she can secretly help people! (As a doctor in her secret clinic, but still! BATMAN.)




Permalink Leave a Comment

You should buy my book, even Buzzfeed thinks so!

September 10, 2019 at 11:53 am (Randomosity) ()

I know I never update this site! (Hi, faithful readers, whom I have ignored for SUCH A LONG TIME) But I have some really exciting news!

I’m going to have a book! A real actual for real yes it’s true book!

And BUZZFEED thinks you should read it! (They also probably think I should cool it on the exclamation points, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, you can preorder/order the book here! (It’s about murdered ladies, and isn’t funny, I’m very sorry.)

(PS: The cover art is by the amazing Sarah Shields, isn’t it gorgeous???)

Permalink Leave a Comment

I love you, Legends of Tomorrow

April 6, 2018 at 1:34 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

So on Mondays, instead of Supergirl, the CW has been showing DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. (On a completely unrelated tangent-thingy, how weird is it that it’s THE CW and not just CW?? Wouldn’t it feel weird to say “The NBC” or “The FX”? Yet it feels right to say “The CW. Anyway!)

“The CW: So much prettier than the other stations.”

DC’s Legends of Tomorrow is far superior to Supergirl.

“Seriously, everything on this station is pretty.”

It is funny and the dialogue is a little less on the nose and just LOVE the evil villain, he is the very best thing.

“It’s evil how good I look in this fedora and/or trilby, you mean.”

Also, Brandon Routh’s character (yes, I haven’t bothered to learn the characters’ names, it’s true) is as excited to meet John Noble as I would be.


Like, you guys, SO excited.

Like, they’re going to fight a time demon, change a timeline and save the universe, and he’s like, “YES BUT I MET JOHN NOBLE.”

“And have I mentioned how distractingly PRETTY we all are?”

Permalink 2 Comments

Another request from my daughter

November 2, 2017 at 10:41 am (Randomosity) ()

“Oh, I thought that guy standing on the side of the road was an ostrich,” I said. “Hmmm, now I want to write a story about fighting an ostrich.”

“You don’t have to say every single thing you think of, you know,” my daughter replied.

This ostrich says I should just write that story, though.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Best Belchers from Bob’s Burgers

October 27, 2017 at 2:09 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

Here is a list of my favorite Belchers, in order from least favorite to favorite, because I’m sure you care.

5. Coming in fifth is Gene, the least essential Belcher. He likes farts and being annoying (and who doesn’t?), but … yeah. He’s fine. Just … fine.

And I’m sorry, but I’m just not down with lazy musicians. PRACTICE MORE, Gene.

4. Linda. Linda Belcher. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I’m also deeply annoyed by her enthusiasm.

Although, lately I have been saying “All right” in a Linda voice….

3. Tina. Tina’s cool, I guess. I mean, apparently I AM Tina, so I guess I like her? I love her little tube socks with the skirt look she’s got going, that’s something.

Hmmm. Easy Halloween costume or easi-EST Halloween costume?

2. Oh, you thought Louise would be my number-one pick, didn’t you! Because Louise is wonderful and trickster-y and cute bunny ears-wearing and I want to marry her when she grows up! Yes! She is all those things and more. But…

“Yeah, what? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem right.”

1. Bob Belcher is my dream boy. He is voice by H. Jon Benjamin, he has a hamburger restaurant, that ridiculous mustache and God bless him, he tries so damn hard. I love you always, Bob!

“Here, have a hamburger,” he says dreamily, in H. Jon Benjamin’s voice.

Permalink 3 Comments

Next page »