Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!
Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who gives them an easy scapegoat for all their problems.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who treats women as objects.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who says if we give the rich tax breaks, it will benefit the poor.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who insults disabled people, and women, and dark-skinned people, and anyone who isn’t exactly like him.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for a hatemonger.
I had hoped that I lived in a country where my neighbors wouldn’t tell their daughter that “Hillary kills babies” and “Obama is a terrorist.”
I had hoped that I lived in a country where the woman I met at my work who described her own granddaughter as “the little darkie” was the exception, not the rule.
I don’t live in that country. I am ashamed of us. I am ashamed of myself for not being able to convince more people that love should triumph, not hatred.
Today, I am ashamed.
Tomorrow, I will carry on.
Dear My Country:
Please don’t vote for evil, or you will make this hamster sad.
I thank you, and these baby hamsters thank you.
… is the one who added the Twin Peaks theme to the playlist at work.
The other day, someone dropped something on my mother’s toe around 7 in the morning. At 7 in the evening, when she informed me of this injury, it was still bleeding.
“Have you gone to the doctor?” I said.
“No,” she said.
“Do you want me to take you to the doctor?” I said.
“No, I’ll be fine,” she said.
“Your toe is seeping blood at an alarming rate,” I said. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to a doctor?”
“No, I’ve got a bandage on it.”
“Well, fine, then,” I said. “Just don’t exsanguinate in your sleep.”
“I will try not to do … that,” my mother replied.
Which means, step back, gentlemen: I have a much better chance to hook up with an Amazon princess than you do!
Well, am I glad that hellish week of spotty Internet service is over! Or probably over. Or whatever.
Anyway, to celebrate, here’s a photo of Jessie Graff, who is the best:
And I’m sure once I get caught up on my work that I’ll have all sorts of funny and entertaining things to say, and definitely won’t be too depressed or something to update my blog.
“Ma’am, are these comic books 50 cents?” said the woman, pointing to the box of comic books with a giant sign on it reading: “50 Cent Comic Books.”
“Yes, they are,” I replied.
After letting her 5- or 6-year-old son pick out a couple of comic books from the box of 50 Cent Comic Books, she brought them to the counter.
“Just so you know,” I said, “These are pretty mature books. Is it all right with you if he has them?”
“Oh, it’s not like he’ll read them, anyway,” she said.
“Comic books have pictures too,” I decided not to say.
SQUEEEEE! Did you see Simone Manuel win the gold in the women’s 100 free last night, and the way she’s the first African-American woman to ever win a gold in swimming?
And speaking of Simones, did you see how awesome Simone Biles was at gymnastics?
Oooh, and Michael Phelps won another gold medal and then competed in the 100 fly!
It was SO EXCITING!!!!!
Anyway, my neighbors had me watering their plants while they were out of town. As my daughter assisted me, a wasp flew towards us.
(Editor’s note: My daughter would like to insert here: “The wasp flew near us.”)
I sprayed it with the hose.
I sprayed it with the hose some more.
Then, just to be sure, I sprayed it with the hose an additional amount.
Then I stepped on it.
“I think you got it, Mom,” said my daughter.
“Honey, it was him or us,” I said.