Abominable is a good word, though

January 2, 2017 at 5:02 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones here.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones here.

I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.

No, I'm sorry, guys. I'll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

No, I’m sorry, guys. I’ll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.

"Seriously, you are an awful detective."

“Seriously, you are an awful detective.”

Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.

"Soooo ... can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?" "Let's just say it was all in Holmes's mind and call it a day, shall we?" "Let's do."

“Soooo … can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?”
“Let’s just say it was all in Holmes’s mind and call it a day, shall we?”
“Let’s do.”

Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE."

“WHEEEEEEEEEE.”

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Goddamn this year

December 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?

CARRIE FISHER?

Princess Leia?

Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.

I salute you, General Leia.

I salute you, General Leia.

 

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Stuff that bugs my mom right now

December 22, 2016 at 2:21 pm (Randomosity) ()

My mom gets really irritated when I describe a white person as being white, so I like to do it every chance I get.

"You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he's white? A white famous actor?"

“You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he’s white? A white famous actor?”

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Steel, Men of

December 14, 2016 at 10:07 am (Randomosity) ()

Because I am actually a 12-year-old boy, when I saw the sign on my drive home last night advertising “Steel Erection,” I immediately thought of Superman.

Because, he's, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

Because, he’s, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

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When parallel universes collide

December 7, 2016 at 10:23 am (Randomosity)

So, today, my comic book store boss and my funeral home boss will meet for the first time.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

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Moana wasn’t terrible

November 30, 2016 at 11:02 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

… although this post title is.

“Your post title is bad, and you’re bad.”

Hi, everybody! I’m not dead or even in a coma, but it has been very busy at work, and also I did Thanksgiving (you guys should try my mashed potatoes with caramelized onions, because they are so good), so Internetting has been about the last thing on my mind.

But I’m back, and I’m sorry, and I went to Moana with my daughter last weekend, because sometimes she makes me go to Disney movies. (I guess our only other option was the new Harry Potter minus Harry Potter thing, but, then again, Eddie Redmayne is really pretty.)

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

So, Moana! Here’s some things I love about it:

  1. Casting actual Pacific Islanders to voice-act. That’s cool.
  2. The song the crab sings.
  3. Dwayne Johnson is finally the sexiest man alive, like, jeez, what took so long? Were you waiting for him to not be alive?
  4. Auli’i Cravalho has a gorgeous voice.

Also, the plot was fine, and I’m pretty sure they got the Maui myth about right (I’m sorry, but I’m not as up on my Pacific Island mythology/folklore as I should be!), and the stupid chicken was even stupider than the chicken I had when I was a kid, so that was good.

Makes you feel pretty okay with eating 'em.

Makes you feel pretty okay about eating ’em.

My daughter says it was really good and you should go watch it, and I’ll just say: Yeah, it was fine.

Look,

Look, “I didn’t hate it” is high praise for a Disney flick from me.

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Han and Leia sitting in a tree

November 17, 2016 at 2:12 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.

Please don't ruin this for me, guys.

Please don’t ruin this for me, guys.

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Today, I am ashamed

November 9, 2016 at 10:20 am (Randomosity)

I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who gives them an easy scapegoat for all their problems.

I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who treats women as objects.

I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who says if we give the rich tax breaks, it will benefit the poor.

I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for someone who insults disabled people, and women, and dark-skinned people, and anyone who isn’t exactly like him.

I had hoped that I lived in a country where people wouldn’t vote for a hatemonger.

I had hoped that I lived in a country where my neighbors wouldn’t tell their daughter that “Hillary kills babies” and “Obama is a terrorist.”

I had hoped that I lived in a country where the woman I met at my work who described her own granddaughter as “the little darkie” was the exception, not the rule.

I don’t live in that country. I am ashamed of us. I am ashamed of myself for not being able to convince more people that love should triumph, not hatred.

Today, I am ashamed.

Tomorrow, I will carry on.

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Today’s a tough day, so here’s a hamster

November 8, 2016 at 9:54 am (Randomosity) ()

Dear My Country:

Please don’t vote for evil, or you will make this hamster sad.

Please don't make this hamster sad.

Please don’t make this hamster sad.

I thank you, and these baby hamsters thank you.

These baby hamsters don't like evil.

Please enjoy today’s overdose of cuteness.

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My current favorite coworker

October 26, 2016 at 9:12 am (Randomosity) ()

… is the one who added the Twin Peaks theme to the playlist at work.

I'm sure she'll piss me off again soon, but for now, I think she's GREAT.

I’m sure she’ll piss me off again soon, but for now, I think she’s GREAT.

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