You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.
So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.
Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.
Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?
Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.
Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.
“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”
She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?
Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …
… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.
Q. Why Great Wall you guys?
A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?
It’s been a bad week, obviously, but last night a friend and I went to the movies to forget our troubles and also, in my case, to ogle Benedict Cumberbatch.
That’s right, we saw Doctor Strange! It was great!
Oh, you wonder how the movie itself was? Well, way too much backstory, for one thing. Some hokey CGI work for another. Really obvious dialogue and story/character beats (there’s one character that Dr. Strange asks, “Do you ever laugh?” and you know he’s going to laugh at the end of the movie, and then he does, and it’s like, “Yeah, duh.”)
The middle part drags and the end drags and also the beginning drags, and there’s this romantic subplot that maybe people who don’t want to marry Benedict Cumberbatch when they grow up might be interested in, but I don’t think so.
There are many things I don’t understand in this world, and one of those things is why people would people would take their precious time and their precious money and go see Girl on the Train.
I mean, it’s obvious Emily Blunt isn’t going to turn out to be the killer. Who would make a movie where Emily Blunt turns out to be the killer? She’s got an ex-husband, so it’s probably the ex-husband. Or it’s Gone Girl redux, and the supposedly dead girl is faking it all.
But it’s the ex-husband.
And then there’s The Birth of A Nation, which I kind of wanted to see, because it takes the name of D.W. Griffith’s racist, racist 1915 film and flips it on its head.
But the director totally had sex with an unconscious girl in college, which in many circles is called, you know, “rape,” I don’t care how many juries find him not guilty.
So I’m kind of like, “meh, maybe not” on the whole deal.
The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.
Also, Alicia Vikander.
And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”
Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.
Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?
Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.
Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?
At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.
But at least I got to go sibilance-mad in my post title, so that’s something!
I mean, I’m kind of afraid to say it looks terrible, because the fanboys are so mad at critics who have actually seen it and are like, “Yeah, it is terrible,” but, you guys, it looks just SO TERRIBLE.
(Not Will Smith, though. Will Smith looks really good.)
(Although I recently read that they’re using CGI to make actors look younger than they are, so it might just be magic, I don’t know.)
I mean, it looks like it’s everything it’s advertised to be. Harley Quinn is, like murderous and sexy (I guess? Margot Robbie does nothing for me, but, hey, to each their own). Killer Croc is all mutated, Deadshot is Will Smith, the Joker seems like a real jackass (or is it that Jared Leto seems like a real jackass?), Katana seems quiet and head-choppy, and then there’s the other ones.
(Look, I really don’t care about the other ones.)
(Actually, I don’t care about any of these ones, because my all-time favorite Batman villain is and always shall be Two-Face!)
But everything it’s advertised to be is … well, for 12-year-old boys. And as terrible as my sense of humor is, I am not a literal 12-year-old boy.
So, you guys, this movie looks, like, so terrible.
On the new Ghostbusters, I’m torn.
I want to see it so all those misogynists who are like “Ewww, women will ruin the movie!” can go suck.
But I don’t want to see it because it doesn’t look that funny.
Guys, this isn’t funny anymore.
There is a THIRD Purge movie. I really don’t understand how this is a successful franchise. Are the movies that good? That cathartic?
Anyway, two years ago I blamed everybody for the sequel, and now I’m blaming them for the … wait, what the hell do you call the third entry in a franchise?
The third Purge movie looks just like the first two: Night of mayhem, crime is legal, everybody wears stupid masks.
Enjoy it if you go, I guess.
And if there’s a fourth, I will never forgive you.