Time Loops: A horror story

March 3, 2017 at 10:59 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”

She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

But the whole time loop thing, man, that freaks me out.

Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …

... and loop and loop and loop....

… and loop and loop and loop…

… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.

As long as I've got my Hennessey's, I can make it through any old time loop!

As long as I’ve got my Hennessey’s, I can make it through any old time loop!

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Proof that Hollywood hates me

February 23, 2017 at 10:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why Great Wall you guys?

A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don't get his appeal AT ALL.

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.

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The movie I saw last night

November 11, 2016 at 10:22 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

It’s been a bad week, obviously, but last night a friend and I went to the movies to forget our troubles and also, in my case, to ogle Benedict Cumberbatch.

That’s right, we saw Doctor Strange! It was great!

You've got surgically masked Benedict Cumberbatch...

You’ve got surgically masked Benedict Cumberbatch…

Scruffy Benedict Cumberbatch ...

… Scruffy Benedict Cumberbatch …

Perfectly goateed Benedict Cumberbatch ...

… Perfectly goateed Benedict Cumberbatch …

Strategically injured Benedict Cumberbatch ...

… Strategically injured Benedict Cumberbatch …

... so many Benedict Cumberbatches!

… so many Benedict Cumberbatches!

Oh, you wonder how the movie itself was? Well, way too much backstory, for one thing. Some hokey CGI work for another. Really obvious dialogue and story/character beats (there’s one character that Dr. Strange asks, “Do you ever laugh?” and you know he’s going to laugh at the end of the movie, and then he does, and it’s like, “Yeah, duh.”)

The middle part drags and the end drags and also the beginning drags, and there’s this romantic subplot that maybe people who don’t want to marry Benedict Cumberbatch when they grow up might be interested in, but I don’t think so.

But anyway, Benedict Cumberbatch and his gorgeous baritone are in this, so in all, I'd give it five stars or whatever.

But anyway, Benedict Cumberbatch and his gorgeous baritone are in this, so in all, I’d give it five stars or whatever.

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Why is anyone going to see Girl on the Train?

October 7, 2016 at 10:07 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

There are many things I don’t understand in this world, and one of those things is why people would people would take their precious time and their precious money and go see Girl on the Train.

I mean, it’s obvious Emily Blunt isn’t going to turn out to be the killer. Who would make a movie where Emily Blunt turns out to be the killer? She’s got an ex-husband, so it’s probably the ex-husband. Or it’s Gone Girl redux, and the supposedly dead girl is faking it all.

"No, I did it. Really. I am a stone cold killer."

“No, I did it. Really. I am a stone cold killer.”

But it’s the ex-husband.

"What? Me? Nooooo, I'm not a murder. What???"

“What? Me? Nooooo, I’m not a murder. What???”

And then there’s The Birth of A Nation, which I kind of wanted to see, because it takes the name of D.W. Griffith’s racist, racist 1915 film and flips it on its head.

I mean, people in 1915 thought this thing was racist, so just IMAGINE how racist it must be!

I mean, people in 1915 thought this thing was racist, so just IMAGINE how racist it must be!

But the director totally had sex with an unconscious girl in college, which in many circles is called, you know, “rape,” I don’t care how many juries find him not guilty.

So I’m kind of like, “meh, maybe not” on the whole deal.

Yeah, sorry, movie, but it's kind of a sticking point for me.

Yeah, sorry, movie, but it’s kind of a sticking point for me.

 

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A tale of beautiful baby thieves

September 2, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.

He is beautiful.

He is beautiful.

Also, Alicia Vikander.

She is also beautiful.

She is also beautiful.

And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”

"Hey, honey, I think there's a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?"

“Hey, honey, I think there’s a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?”

Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.

For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.

For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.

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The greatest story ever told?

August 19, 2016 at 1:26 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?

I know you thought I meant this one ...

I know you thought I meant this one …

... but clearly I'm referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!

… but clearly I’m referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!

Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.

Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character. Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character.
Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.

Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?

"Because it's cheaper than using real actors, duh."

“Because it’s cheaper than using real actors, duh.”

At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.

And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.

And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.

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Suicide Squad seems soundly sucktacular

August 5, 2016 at 10:09 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , , , )

But at least I got to go sibilance-mad in my post title, so that’s something!

I mean, I’m kind of afraid to say it looks terrible, because the fanboys are so mad at critics who have actually seen it and are like, “Yeah, it is terrible,” but, you guys, it looks just SO TERRIBLE.

I mean, even the poster is a mess.

I mean, even the poster is a mess.

(Not Will Smith, though. Will Smith looks really good.)

(Although I recently read that they’re using CGI to make actors look younger than they are, so it might just be magic, I don’t know.)

Every time I saw a trailer, I was like: "Is that Will Smith? No, it can't be Will Smith, because Will Smith is, like, old now, right?"

Every time I saw a trailer, I was like: “Is that Will Smith? No, it can’t be Will Smith, because Will Smith is, like, old now, right?”

I mean, it looks like it’s everything it’s advertised to be. Harley Quinn is, like murderous and sexy (I guess? Margot Robbie does nothing for me, but, hey, to each their own). Killer Croc is all mutated, Deadshot is Will Smith, the Joker seems like a real jackass (or is it that Jared Leto seems like a real jackass?), Katana seems quiet and head-choppy, and then there’s the other ones.

We'll call them "Skull Face Tattoo Guy," "Mr. Upturned Coat Collar" and "Guy Who Probably Gets Killed First."

We’ll call them “Skull Face Tattoo Guy,” “Mr. Upturned Coat Collar” and “Guy Who Probably Gets Killed First.”

(Look, I really don’t care about the other ones.)

(Actually, I don’t care about any of these ones, because my all-time favorite Batman villain is and always shall be Two-Face!)

And if I wasn't at work, I'd drop everything and go reread Arkham Asylum.

And if I wasn’t at work, I’d drop everything and go reread Arkham Asylum.

But everything it’s advertised to be is … well, for 12-year-old boys. And as terrible as my sense of humor is, I am not a literal 12-year-old boy.

So, you guys, this movie looks, like, so terrible.

Seriously, the posters aren't even trying.

Seriously, the posters aren’t even trying.

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I ain’t afraid of no remakes

July 15, 2016 at 9:48 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

On the new Ghostbusters, I’m torn.

I want to see it so all those misogynists who are like “Ewww, women will ruin the movie!” can go suck.

How gross, these actresses making a living doing their thing.

How gross, these actresses making a living doing their thing.

But I don’t want to see it because it doesn’t look that funny.

But I still want to punch the faces of the dudes who call this "Ghostbusters: Fat Dyke edition."

But I still want to punch the faces of the dudes who call this “Ghostbusters: Fat Dyke edition.”

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The Purge the Third

July 1, 2016 at 10:28 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Guys, this isn’t funny anymore.

There is a THIRD Purge movie. I really don’t understand how this is a successful franchise. Are the movies that good? That cathartic?

A horrific peek at the future to come?

A horrific peek at the future to come?

Anyway, two years ago I blamed everybody for the sequel, and now I’m blaming them for the … wait, what the hell do you call the third entry in a franchise?

"Seriously? Who cares?" -- Hollywood

“Seriously? Who cares?” — Hollywood

The third Purge movie looks just like the first two: Night of mayhem, crime is legal, everybody wears stupid masks.

It seems like it would be hard to commit murder with these godawful masks covering your faces, but what do I know?

It seems like it would be hard to commit murder with these godawful masks covering your faces, but what do I know?

Enjoy it if you go, I guess.

And if there’s a fourth, I will never forgive you.

 

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Tarzan, King of the Apes

June 29, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Right. So, the first thing about this new Tarzan movie is that I’ve been reading about feral children lately, and most of them can’t speak. So every time I see an ad for this new Tarzan flick and he’s speaking perfect English, I’m like: “Pfft! Like he’d be able to talk at all!”

Plus, I'm sorry, but he'd probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies, because he would think he was an ape.

Plus, I’m sorry, but he’d probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies.

The second thing about the new Tarzan flick is boy do those apes look fake.

"All right, now, Alexander, we'd like you to pretend like you're running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?"

“All right, now, Alexander, we’d like you to pretend like you’re running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?

The third thing is does Samuel L. Jackson have to take every role he’s offered? Is it some sort of “deal with the devil” scenario?

"The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively."

“The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively.”

The last thing is there’s only one true Tarzan, and that Tarzan is Johnny Weissmuller.

Because I like old movies, that's why.

Because I like old movies, that’s why.

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