Great news for silent movies!

May 29, 2015 at 1:43 pm (Things I Want) (, )

I’m so excited that if I wasn’t at work, I’d be literally squeeing myself with joy!

Universal Studios is going to restore FIFTEEN WHOLE SILENT MOVIES! FIFTEEN! That’s way more than you would expect, because who watches silent films anymore except for me? (Well, and my daughter, because I make her.)

The only way I could be happier is if I finally finished my time machine so I could go and meet Buster Keaton.

"Hey, Buster, what's up?" I'd say. And he'd reply: "I don't understand your newfangled slang." And I'd say: "Take me, I'm yours!" And then he'd call the police, and I'd die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

“Hey, Buster, what’s up?” I’d say. And he’d reply: “I don’t understand your newfangled slang.” And I’d say: “Take me, I’m yours!” And then he’d call the police, and I’d die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

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Gillian Anderson’s on the market, y’all!

March 27, 2015 at 2:12 pm (Things I Want) (, , )

… And she’s none too picky about gender!

Does this mean my dreams of a date with Scully could finally be realized???

Is it okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot, Agent Scully? I hope it's okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot.

Is it okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot, Agent Scully? I hope it’s okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot.

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I heart Times New Roman

December 17, 2014 at 10:17 am (Things I Want) ()

We get a lot of obituaries/memorial programs/poems here at the funeral home that have been written in some godawful illegible font. Sure, you think it looks fancy, but if you have to rely on a fancy font to make your writing pretty, then maybe you should stop writing. What I want is for everyone to use the best font of all: Times New Roman. 10 point is best, but 12 point is OK too.

Oh, Times New Roman, you are a thing of beauty.

Oh, Times New Roman, you are a thing of beauty.

Papyrus is also okay, but only for really special occasions.

Break out the fancy silverware, Ma! It's time to irritate some web designers!

Break out the fancy silverware, Ma! It’s time to irritate some web designers!

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Sci-Fi shows and composers

October 29, 2014 at 9:38 am (Things I Want) (, , )

I want someone to write a sci-fi show that I enjoy, because they will obviously hire Bear McCreary to do the music for it, because I just don’t want to watch The Walking Dead and Constantine.

I could just listen to the soundtracks, I suppose.

I could just listen to the soundtracks, I suppose.

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Snowpiercer looks so good, y’all

June 27, 2014 at 11:31 am (Things I Want) (, )

I want to see Snowpiercer. I want to see Snowpiercer so bad. I want to live in a state that will be getting Snowpiercer, so I could go see it. I want one of you to go and see it and record it on your cell phone and send it to me and I will watch it, out-of-focus, popcorn-crunching and all.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

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H. Jon Benjamin has a sexy, sexy voice

April 16, 2014 at 9:15 am (Things I Want) (, , )

I want to get H. Jon Benjamin in a room alone and make him say things to me.

It wouldn’t have to be quotes from Archer or Bob’s Burgers. Just, you know, words.

Any words.

"Listen, Crazy Lady, I've already dialed 911 and the cops are on the way."

“Listen, Crazy Lady, I’ve already dialed 911 and the cops are on the way.”

Almost any words.

 

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A new car would be nice

December 9, 2013 at 11:59 am (Things I Want)

I want a car with the heated seat feature.

Because I deserve warm buttocks.

Because I deserve warm buttocks.

 

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And he’s already British, so it’s even better

September 30, 2013 at 9:46 am (Things I Want) (, , , )

I don’t know whether Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange in The Fifth Estate is supposed to be a towhead, silver fox or what, but all I know is now that I’ve seen him with really white hair, he absolutely has to play Elijah Snow in the live-action Planetary movie that lives in my head.

Silver fox?

I mean it.

I really, really mean it.

I really, really mean it.

 

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Why was he called “Old Creepy,” I wonder

September 19, 2013 at 9:48 am (Things I Want) (, , , , , )

I want my Alvin Karpis biography to arrive, like, now.

It says "autobiography," but it was almost certainly ghost-written.

Technically, “autobiography,” but whatever.

Of all the Depression-era criminals, I find him and Harry “Handsome Harry” “Pete” Pierpont to be the most interesting, but hardly anybody writes books about not Dillinger.

"Handsome Harry" Pierpont: Pictured on the left, plotting your death.

“Handsome Harry” Pierpont: Pictured on the right, plotting your death.

Luckily for me, Alvin Karpis, “Old Creepy” himself, wrote a book about not Dillinger! I’m so excited!

What new, torrid secrets will be revealed?

"My barber was blind."

“My barber was blind.”

How did he hook up with the Barker gang?

Thus altering destiny by forever changing the gang's name to the "Barker-Karpis Gang."

Thus altering destiny by forever changing the gang’s name to the “Barker-Karpis Gang.”

Why did he have a 16-year-old (ewwwww) girlfriend?

"You should be asking: 'Why did I have a 26-year-old boyfriend?'"

“You should be asking: ‘Why did I have a 26-year-old boyfriend?'”

What was it like being the longest-serving inmate at Alcatraz?

"Oh, you know. Terrible."

“Oh, you know. Terrible.”

I’m just SO EXCITED.

I also highly recommend reading "Public Enemies," which does have a lot about Dillinger, because who doesn't love Dillinger, and also comes with this lovely cover featuring Johnny "Hotter than Dillinger" Depp.

I also highly recommend reading “Public Enemies,” which does have a lot about Dillinger, because who doesn’t love Dillinger, and also comes with this lovely cover featuring Johnny “Hotter than Dillinger” Depp.

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Please enjoy a photo of a Robo Hamster

April 4, 2013 at 2:15 pm (Things I Want) (, )

My daughter thinks my blog should have more photos of Robo Hamsters and, because I haven’t been feeling very funny lately (possibly because I work at a funeral home and there are just so many dead people here), I have decided to heed her advice:

Robo Hamster!

Robo Hamster!

Also, please know that if you would like to buy my affection, giving me a Robo Hamster (plus cage, bedding and food) would be a good place to start.

A second Robo Hamster!

A second Robo Hamster!

P.S.

It’s actually short for “Roborovski,” not “Robot.”

Sorry.

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