My brother and I don’t have much in common

September 26, 2016 at 9:48 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , )

So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.

When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.

"I ... can't believe you would say that to me."

“I … can’t believe you would say that to me.”

So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.

1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.

They're both made of cow parts, probably.

They’re both made of cow parts, probably.

2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?

"Ugh. Yes."

“Ugh. Yes.”

3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.

4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.

"Buh?" ... is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

“Buh?”
… is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.

7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?

... And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

… And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.

10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?

It's definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

It’s definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

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Things I hate about my new haircut: A list

May 31, 2016 at 11:44 am (Top Ten)

I got my hair cut this weekend. I usually donate 10 inches for wigs, but this time they took 12 inches. This is awful for several reasons, and they are as follows:

1. Most days, I look like the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band. This would be fine were I the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band, but I’m not, and lesbian rock bands of the 2010s have way better hair.

This is lesbian rock band Hunter Valentine, who all have better hair than me.

This is lesbian rock band Hunter Valentine, who all have better hair than me.

2. Today, I look like the male lead of a 1990s teen romance. This would be great news if I wanted to attract 1990s female teens. They’re much too young for me, so that’s out.

Although I might reconsider for young Clair Danes.

Although I might reconsider for young Clair Danes.

3. Other times, I look like a boy. It certainly doesn’t help that I have, like, no curves whatsoever.

4. “I don’t want a boy cut,” I said. “Oh, it’ll be a pixie cut,” replied the hairdresser. FYI, pixie cuts are boy cuts.

Really, they only work if you are a rock star.

Really, they only work if you are a rock star.

5. “Do you want bangs?” the hairdresser said. “No, I do not want bangs,” I said. “Besides, there’s not enough hair left for bangs.” At the longest point, my hair is maybe three inches long. How do you get bangs out of that?

6. The haircut took TWO HOURS. The hairdresser had to rubber band off about seven or eight different sections of hair, then add more rubber bands, then make sure my hair was completely dry.

Kind of like this, but with more rubber bands, and more me sobbing, "Can I have it back so I can make it into a wig RIGHT NOW?"

Kind of like this, but with more rubber bands, and more me sobbing, “Can I have it back so I can make it into a wig RIGHT NOW?”

7. None of my clothes look right anymore. If I wear something very feminine, I look like I’m in drag. If I wear something unfeminine, well, see entry #3.

8. One guy came into my part-time job and said he liked my haircut. “It makes you look older,” quoth this guy who has clearly never spoken to a woman before in his life.

9. My rich cousin’s wife was able to commiserate with me. “Oh, it’s just the same as when I go in to get my hair colored and I have to tell them three times what shade to use,” she said. But it’s really not quite the same, because I can’t afford her $80 hairdresser.

Pictured here: A place I will be kicked out of the moment I accidentally step lower middle-class foot into it.

Pictured here: A place I will be kicked out of the moment I accidentally step lower middle-class foot into it.

10. “It’ll grow out quickly,” people say. No, it won’t. It took two years for it to get long enough to donate 10 inches. TWO YEARS. It just seems quick to other people because they don’t have to live with this godawful mop, ugh, I hate my hair, and I hate what’s left of it.

Pictured here: How my hair will NOT look while it grows out.

Pictured here: How my hair will NOT look while it grows out.

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So you think you’re dating a princess: A modern teen’s guide

March 23, 2016 at 10:56 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?

Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:

1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.

*Sighhhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhhh*

2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.

"You only WISH you'll look this good when YOU'RE 1000 years old."

“You only WISH you’ll look this good when YOU’RE 1000 years old.”

3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.

She's like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

She’s like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.

"My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible."

“My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible.”

5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.

And check out those guns!

And check out those guns!

7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.

... although I'm not sure what you'd do for fun or anything.

… although I’m not sure what you’d do for fun or anything.

8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!

I'll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she's seeing anyone....

I’ll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she’s seeing anyone….

9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.

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So you think you’re dating a Jedi Master: A modern teen’s guide

February 8, 2016 at 2:35 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lately, you’ve been seeing someone. He’s pretty spiritual, talking about this “Force” that flows through all living things. He even claims to be a master of this “Force.”

You know what that means! You’re dating a Jedi Master, probably.

Here’s a handy guide to make certain your boyfriend is a really, truly legit Jedi Master.

You’re welcome.

1. Your boyfriend has a shag haircut and once kissed his twin sister. Congratulations! You’re dating Young Luke Skywalker! He is truly a Jedi master.

He's no Han Solo, though.

He’s no Han Solo, though.

2. Your boyfriend is a loner who hangs out in swamps and talks backwardly. Good news, everyone! You’re dating Yoda, a Jedi master among Jedi masters.

"Double-dutch at the movies, we will."

“Double-dutch at the movies, we will.”

3. Your boyfriend belongs to the church of Jediism. The bad news for you is he’s not a Jedi master. The good news is you can tell your mother he attends church regularly.

"Oh, Mom, they've been passing out lightsabers at OUR church too."

“Oh, Mom, they’ve been passing out lightsabers at OUR church too.”

4. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Hey, good for you! You’re dating Obi-Wan Kenobi!

I was going to make a "These are not the droids you're looking for" joke here, but then I realized it wouldn't work with the whole "dating a Jedi" theme, and then I ended up with my longest photo caption ever.

I was going to make a “These are not the droids you are looking for” joke here, but then I realized it wouldn’t work with the whole “dating a Jedi” theme, and then I ended up with my longest photo caption ever.

5. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Or you’re dating Old Luke Skywalker.

"Jeez, lady, I'm not THAT old."

“Jeez, lady, I’m not THAT old.”

6. Your boyfriend force-chokes his stupid enemies, and looks good in black. Technically, your boyfriend is a Sith Lord, but I’m going to call it close enough. You’re dating Darth Vader!

"(Insert Your Name Here), I am your boyfriend."

“(Insert Your Name Here), I am your boyfriend.”

7. Your boyfriend looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Excellent! You’re dating the Jedi that Samuel L. Jackson played in those movies that don’t exist.

Oooh! Snazzy purple lightsaber!

Oooh! Snazzy purple lightsaber!

8. Your boyfriend is a whiny baby who throws temper tantrums and is a dirty patricide. Spoiler alert! You’re dating Kylo Ren.

Stupid Kylo Ren. Just so stupid. Hate you.

Stupid Kylo Ren. Just so stupid. Hate you.

9. Your boyfriend would turn the galaxy upside down if someone kidnapped his daughter. Yea! You’re dating either Qui-Gon Jinn or Liam Neeson in Taken (and Taken 2).

"Even I can't tell the difference anymore."

“Even I can’t tell the difference anymore.”

10. Your boyfriend is a pretty lady. Holy Mary Sues, Batman! You’re dating Rey, who is a super-powerful Jedi despite having neither training nor any knowledge of the Force prior to it awakening within her!

Your boyfriend is really pretty.

Your boyfriend is really pretty.

So there you have it! You’re definitely dating one of the guys who goes to a Jedi Church, because the rest of them are made up.

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So you think you’re dating an evil alien: A modern teen’s guide

September 29, 2015 at 9:53 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a big ol’ post like this, and I apologize. You guys deserve better. We all deserve better. Especially since we’re probably dating evil aliens, and we don’t even know for sure which ones.

Well I can tell you, through the power of making a list! The excitement of a list! Who’s with me? Here’s a list of aliens you could be dating, were you to be dating an evil alien!

1. Alien. The best way to tell if you’re dating the Alien from Alien is if she bleeds acid and eats everyone except Ripley.

But is she so bad? She bleeds acid, eats everyone except Ripley, and lays eggs in your face.

This is why you should always use protection, kids.

This is why you should always use protection, kids.

2. The Thing. It would be hard to know if you’re dating The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, because The Thing is a shapeshifter and, thus, could look like anybody.

Even a young Keith David!

Even a young Keith David!

But how evil is The Thing? The Thing murders innocent little doggies and wants to take over the planet.

And it could be anyone, anywhere, even the person right next to you!

And it could be anyone, anywhere, even the person right next to you!

3. Alf. If you never watched a sitcom in the 1980s, you wouldn’t know if you’re dating this Alien Life Form (see? clever!) or not. Alias Gordon Schumway, which I don’t remember how to spell, Alf is a hairy little bastard who boards with the whitest family ever and likes to eat cats.

The 1980s called and they said their terrible puppets were still more realistic than our terrible CGI.

The 1980s called and they said their terrible puppets were still more realistic than our terrible CGI.

Is he really evil, though? It depends on your stance on housecats, I suppose.

4. Superman. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton who’s just like a human, except he’s super.

But he’s a good guy, isn’t he? Eh, if you look at some of the stuff he got up to in the ’50s, it’s hard to be sure.

Just be glad it's the suit and not your face, Jimmy Olsen.

Just be glad it’s the suit and not your face, Jimmy Olsen.

5. J’onn J’onzz. This guy is a Martian who probably pals around with Superman from time to time.

I thought he was a good guy too. He probably is, but I now realize going into this list with a meager grasp on sci-fi was a terrible, terrible idea.

Ooh, art by Alex Ross, though!

Ooh, art by Alex Ross, though!

6. A Skrull. Skrulls are aliens in the Marvel universe. They also can, I think, shapeshift. Seriously, I should’ve thought this through harder.

Skrulls are pretty bad, right? I think so? Usually they’re bad guys, maybe?

I do know that a Super Skrull has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, so I'll get that one right on Jeopardy.

I do know that a Super Skrull has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, so I’ll get that one right on Jeopardy.

7. E.T. This Extra Terrestrial (see? Clever again!) looks like a wrinkled, monster turnip, and loves Reece’s Pieces.

But he’s totally not evil, though. It’s sweet that you’re so trusting.

I'm sure he won't murder you in your sleep or anything.

I’m sure he won’t murder you in your sleep or anything.

8. Spock. Good news! I just remembered that Mr. Spock exists, and he’s an alien! You can tell it’s him if he resembles the late Leonard Nimoy (or, I suppose, Sylar from Heroes), and he’s got pointy ears and is very logical.

Now, Spock’s definitely not evil. Only when it’s logical, baby. Only when it’s logical.

Now I feel bad because I miss Leonard Nimoy.

Now I feel bad because I miss Leonard Nimoy.

9. Chewbacca. The funny thing about Chewbacca is that my spellchecker really thinks I’m trying to write “backache.” With this most famous of the Wookiees, you can tell you’re dating him if he’s seven feet tall and really hairy. It’s either him, or a tall dude with a hair growth issue, I guess.

But is he evil? Just let him win at space chess, and you shouldn’t have any problems.

... And maybe ask him to take it easy on the sexy poses?

… And maybe ask him to take it easy on the sexy poses?

10. An illegal immigrant. If your significant other is here to steal our jobs, rape our women and other things Donald Trump might say, you’re dating an illegal alien.

All that work for an immigration joke? So it turns out I’m the real evil.

Nah, I'm just kidding. It's this guy here that's the real evil.

Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s this guy here that’s the real evil.

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So you think you need photos of Buster Keaton: a gallery

March 27, 2015 at 11:21 am (Top Ten) (, )

I love Buster Keaton, and you all should too.

Here’s 10 pictures of him that are really great.

1. Buster Keaton looks good in a kitten hat.

I love men who wear kittens as hats.

I can’t decide who’s cuter.

2. Buster Keaton looks good in a swimsuit.

Dreamy eyes

I want to go swimming so bad right now.

3. Buster didn’t need no stinkin’ chairs.

Buster didn't need no stinkin' chairs.

He took his calls by balancing on the wall, like all good people do.

4. He was a man of many talents.

Pictured here, playing the ... ruler?

Pictured here, playing the … ruler?

5. He’d bring you flowers.

She loves me. She loves me not.

She loves me. She loves me not. Don’t be silly, Buster. She’d do anything for you!

6. He directed most of his own films.

Buster sits.

But not this one, because MGM ruined him.

7. Buster Keaton looked good with a puppy in his pants.

Is that a puppy in your pocket or are you just .... No, wait, that's a puppy.

Is that a puppy in your pocket or are you just …. No, wait, that’s a puppy.

8. He cleans up good.

His hair is just so tously!

His hair is just so tously!

9. He loves animals and animals love him.

I love how they have, basically, the same expression on their faces.

I love how they have, basically, the same expression on their faces.

10. He loves Lon Chaney as much as we do.

Also I could write epic poetry about those arms.

Also, I could write epic poetry about those arms.

 

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So You Want to be a Sidekick: A Modern Teen’s Guide

February 4, 2015 at 12:19 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lately, you’ve decided you want to fight crime and battle evil, but you know you haven’t got the chutzpah to manage solo. Luckily for you, there’s a whole, wonderful world of sidekickery to satisfy your vigilante needs!

So who should you team up with? Well, good news! I’ve made a list of heroes who tend to work in duos or would, at least, be amenable to that sort of thing.

1. Batman. The Dark Knight seems like the kind of guy who’d prefer working solo, so he can brood and stuff, but it turns out he doesn’t mind spending time with pubescent boys! The plus side is you’d get to work with Batman. The negative side is he’d want you to wear that outfit.

Yup, that's the one.

Yup, that’s the one.

2. Sherlock Holmes. Another loner type, it turns out Holmes is happiest when he has someone stupider than him hanging about so he can show off his marvelous intellect. Luckily for Holmes, everyone is stupider than him, so it’s not like he needs to slum. The plus side is now you’re John Watson! The negative side is if you’re not actually John Watson, you don’t really get to spend time with Sherlock Holmes.

If you are John Watson, I'm still looking for Sherlock Holmes' autograph. Could you help me out?

If you are John Watson, I’m still looking for Sherlock Holmes’ autograph. Could you help me out?

3. Captain America. Captain America had Buddy, which, as a superhero sidekick name, is even worse than Robin. The plus side is Buddy totally turned evil, so Captain America is absolutely in the market for a new sidekick. The other, even better plus side is that Captain America looks like Chris Evans now. The negative side is there is no negative side. Run to him! Run to Captain America!

Run to Captain America and his glorious cheekbones!

Run to Captain America and his glorious cheekbones!

4. Green Arrow. Green Arrow is like Robin Hood, but he wears even more green than a man trying to blend into a forest landscape. He’s worked with Speedy and, apparently, Speedy II, because why shouldn’t sidekicks have sequels, right? The negative side is you’d probably be stuck lugging all his arrows around. I can’t think of a plus side.

You'd probably have to take all these pictures of him too, because a brooding selfie is hard.

You’d probably have to take all these pictures of him too, because a brooding selfie is hard.

5. The Green Hornet. The Green Hornet is another guy who wears green to fight crime. I’m not sure why this is a thing. I don’t know much about him, except that Bruce Lee was really great. So, actually, I don’t know anything about the Green Hornet, except that Kato was his sidekick, and Kato was great. The plus side is you’d be the new Kato. The negative side is we live in a world without Bruce Lee.

"Don't mind me. I'm just a harmless chauffeur."

“Don’t mind me. I’m just a harmless chauffeur.”

6. Superman. I know it seems like Superman works alone, because, seriously, who can keep up with a demigod who has all the superpowers? But you’re forgetting the plucky Jimmy Olsen, who is absolutely useless, but never gets laser-visioned by Supes! The plus side is you’d probably never be in danger because of your association with Superman, as you would be like a gnat compared to the monstrous villains he faces. The negative side is gnats get squished.

Man, people drawing comics back in the old days just didn't try very hard, did they?

Man, people drawing comics back in the old days just didn’t try very hard, did they?

7. Archie. I’m just putting Archie here because I found Jughead on a list of sidekicks. They probably fight crime sometimes, I don’t know.

"Is 'fighting crime' what the kids are calling it nowadays?" -- My Mom

“Is ‘fighting crime’ what the kids are calling it nowadays?” — My Mom

8. Iron Man. Iron Man is a guy who wears, like, a robot to fight crime. As War Machine, you would also get to wear a robot, and you would have an even cooler name. The plus side is those things I just listed. The negative side is wearing a robot sounds heavy.

"Seriously, my back is killing me."

“Seriously, my back is killing me.”

9. The Flash. The Flash’s sidekick is Kid Flash, although I think maybe Kid Flash is the Flash now, and has a new Kid Flash? Also, doesn’t it seem like Speedy should be the Flash’s sidekick, and not Green Arrow’s? The plus side is you’d get to move at speeds that are fatal to most mortals. The negative side is you probably have to have some kind of mysterious accident, like getting struck by lightning while petting a cheetah, to gain that ability.

I guess I should say that thing about petting a cheetah wasn't meant to be a euphemism.

I guess I should say that thing about petting a cheetah wasn’t meant to be a euphemism.

10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman doesn’t need a sidekick. Wonder Woman works alone. Wonder Woman is an Amazon goddess, and she can kick ass all on her own, unlike the boys here. The plus side is that Wonder Woman seems nice, so she’d probably let you hang around and pretend like you’re sidekicking. The negative side is seriously, kid, she can handle this on her own, so why don’t you just step out of the way?

"Have you asked Superman if he'd like your help? He might like your help."

“Have you asked Superman if he’d like your help? He might like your help.”

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So you think you’re dating a silent film star: A modern teen’s guide

December 3, 2014 at 1:00 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

Modern teens should love silent films and silent film stars more, don’t you think? That way, they’d know for sure if you’re dating one of these fabulous superstars of the 1920s:

1. Is your girlfriend known as “The Girl with Beestung Lips”? People in the ’20s came up with terrible nicknames, didn’t they? Anyway, Mae Murray was a super-famous movie star for several years and, if you ever asked her, she would insist she was always and would always be a super-famous movie star, even when she was sleeping on a park bench. Poor Mae Murray.

Beestung? Maybe. Pursed? Definitely.

Beestung? Maybe. Pursed? Definitely.

2. Does your boyfriend get mocked mercilessly by jealous journalists? Then you’re dating Rudolph Valentino, who was sometimes called “The Pink Powder Puff,” because 1920s reporters hated the guys that got all the ladies.

ESPECIALLY if they were Italian.

ESPECIALLY if they were Italian.

3. Maybe your girlfriend is called “America’s Sweetheart.” Mary Pickford was called that, despite being Canadian by birth, because Americans loved her the most.

She was, literally, the most famous person in the world for a good decade.

She was, literally, the most famous person in the world for a good decade.

4. Perhaps your boyfriend has a propensity for action and adventure, and being shirtless in an era where most people didn’t even admit they had chests. Then, you lucky soul, you’re dating Douglas Fairbanks. Don’t tell Mary Pickford, though.

Nobody had any problem with Doug Fairbanks' upper body, though. For some reason.

Nobody had any problem with Doug Fairbanks’ upper body, though. For some reason.

They were such a famous couple, they were probably called Dairy or Mug, or some other stupid portmanteau.

They were such a famous couple, they were probably called Dairy or Mug, or some other stupid portmanteau.

5. Does your girlfriend totally have a secret thing for D.W. Griffith? Lillian Gish totally had a secret thing for and/or with D.W. Griffith. Also, it wasn’t very secret.

Later, the Smashing Pumpkins used her (and sister Dorothy's) last name to title their debut album. Trivia!

Later, the Smashing Pumpkins used her (and sister Dorothy’s) last name to title their debut album. Trivia!

6. Your boyfriend is suffering from a crippling morphine addiction, which will end in tragedy. Wallace Reid suffered from a crippling morphine addiction, which ended in tragedy!

He died young and then his wife went on to make a series of educational movies about drugs, so it's harder to say which is the real tragedy.

He died young and then his wife went on to make a series of educational movies about drugs, so it’s harder to say which is the real tragedy.

7. Your girlfriend is a total diva. She was such a diva, she was the obvious choice to star in Sunset Boulevard decades later.

In the best dictionaries, when you look up "diva," it just says: "See Swanson, Gloria."

In the best dictionaries, when you look up “diva,” it just says: “See Swanson, Gloria.”

8. Your boyfriend looks better without a mustache. Everyone looks better without a mustache, but especially John Gilbert, because why did ladies want him hiding part of his face like that?

Stupid Internet, having all these damn mustache pictures.

Stupid Internet, having all these damn mustache pictures.

9. Your girlfriend’s so famous, she doesn’t even need a first name! In your faces, Cher and Madonna: Nazimova went by Nazimova and, damn, did she work it.

Also, "Alla" is kind of a silly first name anyway.

Also, “Alla” is kind of a silly first name anyway.

10. Your boyfriend is Ramon Novarro, because I ran out of clever things to say. He was too sweet to out-seduce Valentino, and too gay to out-seduce John Gilbert, but nobody cared because he had that face.

And a tiny little puppy on his shoulder! Squeeeee!

And a tiny little puppy on his shoulder! Squeeeee!

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So you think your Halloween costume is racist: A modern teen’s guide

October 30, 2014 at 9:37 am (Top Ten) ()

You want to dress up for Halloween, but you don’t know if you’ll be mistaken for a horrible, horrible bigot? Well, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out is your costume racist or not.

1. You’re going as a sexy Indian. That’s, yeah, kind of racist.

Somehow it's even worse when it's blondes.

Somehow it’s even worse when it’s blondes.

2. You’re going in a sheet with eyeholes cut out. There’s two kinds of sheets with eyeholes cut out.

The good kind.

The good kind….

... And the bad kind.

… And the bad kind.

Choose the good kind.

3. You’re going in blackface. Please don’t go in blackface. It doesn’t matter how you intend it, blackface has a terrible, terrible history, and you’ll be wearing all that history on your face.

If you really don't see the problem with this, please never visit my blog again.

If you really don’t see the problem with this, please never visit my blog again.

4. You’re going as a sexy Geisha. I’ll admit I love Geisha costumes, because real kimono are just too hard for me to put on properly. But is it racist? Let’s just say it’s appropriating another culture. Do it with respect.

Ugh, it's probably totally racist, but I'm such a sucker for kimono-style sleeves!

Ugh, it’s probably totally racist, but I’m such a sucker for kimono-style sleeves!

5. You’re going as a superhero. Probably not racist, but it kind of depends on the superhero.

Superman? Yeah. So racist.

Superman? Yeah. So racist.

6. You’re going as a sexy gangster. Gangsters weren’t really that sexy. They had all sorts of dental problems, and didn’t shower much from being on the run. That said? Not so racist.

Unless you mean "Mafioso" gangster, not "Dillinger gang" gangster. Then you're perpetuating Italian-American stereotypes.

Unless you mean “Mafioso” gangster, not “Dillinger gang” gangster. Then you’re perpetuating Italian-American stereotypes.

7. You’re going in a sombrero. I guess I understand if you have a sombrero just hanging around the house and you’re like, what else am I going to do with it, but for God’s sake, don’t go all-out stereotype, and you should be okay.

This is ... not okay.

This is … not okay.

8. You’re going to wear a turban. Why would you do that? You’re terrible.

This is you, being terrible.

This is you, being terrible.

9. You’re going as Elsa from Frozen. Not racist, but maybe pick something else, because there are already millions of 5-year-old girls wearing your costume.

Holy cow, this little girl looks like she's made of porcelain.

Holy cow, this little girl looks like she’s made of porcelain.

10. You’re going as Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. Not racist, but you’re dressed up as a pedophile serial killer so, you know, there’s that.

Did you know they make Freddy Krueger costumes for children? Why would they do that?

Did you know they make Freddy Krueger costumes for children? Why would they do that?

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So you think you’re dating someone with ice powers: A modern teen’s guide

September 4, 2014 at 10:15 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Man, that’s a long post title.

Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?

Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!

Yea, lists!

Yea!

Yea!

1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.

She's also got a hot sister, but hands off, you know?

She’s also got a hot sister, but hands off, you know?

2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.

And he's a musician ... ladies.

And he’s a musician … ladies.

3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?

This is a picture of the Snow Queen from Fables. You should read Fables.

This is a picture of the Snow Queen from Fables. You should read Fables.

4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.

"Whatcha doing, honey?" "Oh, just chilling."

“Whatcha doing, honey?”
“Oh, just chilling.”

5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.

"Why is your boyfriend naked?" -- Your parents

“Why is your boyfriend naked?” — Your parents

6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.

Same goes for if he asks: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Same goes for if he asks: “Do these pants make me look fat?”

7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.

Although leather gets pretty sweaty, so she might stick with snow, thank you very much.

Although leather gets pretty sweaty, so she might stick with snow, thank you very much.

8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.

Unlike other snow queens, yuki onna is always a brunette.

Unlike other snow queens, yuki onna is always a brunette.

9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?

"Sure, baby, sure."

“Sure, baby, sure.”

10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.

I'll always love you, Elijah Snow!

I’ll always love you, Elijah Snow!

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