So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.
When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.
So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.
1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.
2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?
3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.
4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.
5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.
6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.
7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.
8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?
9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.
10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?
I got my hair cut this weekend. I usually donate 10 inches for wigs, but this time they took 12 inches. This is awful for several reasons, and they are as follows:
1. Most days, I look like the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band. This would be fine were I the lead singer of a 1980s lesbian rock band, but I’m not, and lesbian rock bands of the 2010s have way better hair.
2. Today, I look like the male lead of a 1990s teen romance. This would be great news if I wanted to attract 1990s female teens. They’re much too young for me, so that’s out.
3. Other times, I look like a boy. It certainly doesn’t help that I have, like, no curves whatsoever.
4. “I don’t want a boy cut,” I said. “Oh, it’ll be a pixie cut,” replied the hairdresser. FYI, pixie cuts are boy cuts.
5. “Do you want bangs?” the hairdresser said. “No, I do not want bangs,” I said. “Besides, there’s not enough hair left for bangs.” At the longest point, my hair is maybe three inches long. How do you get bangs out of that?
6. The haircut took TWO HOURS. The hairdresser had to rubber band off about seven or eight different sections of hair, then add more rubber bands, then make sure my hair was completely dry.
7. None of my clothes look right anymore. If I wear something very feminine, I look like I’m in drag. If I wear something unfeminine, well, see entry #3.
8. One guy came into my part-time job and said he liked my haircut. “It makes you look older,” quoth this guy who has clearly never spoken to a woman before in his life.
9. My rich cousin’s wife was able to commiserate with me. “Oh, it’s just the same as when I go in to get my hair colored and I have to tell them three times what shade to use,” she said. But it’s really not quite the same, because I can’t afford her $80 hairdresser.
10. “It’ll grow out quickly,” people say. No, it won’t. It took two years for it to get long enough to donate 10 inches. TWO YEARS. It just seems quick to other people because they don’t have to live with this godawful mop, ugh, I hate my hair, and I hate what’s left of it.
Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?
Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:
1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.
2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.
3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.
4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.
5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.
6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.
7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!
9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.
Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.
Lately, you’ve been seeing someone. He’s pretty spiritual, talking about this “Force” that flows through all living things. He even claims to be a master of this “Force.”
You know what that means! You’re dating a Jedi Master, probably.
Here’s a handy guide to make certain your boyfriend is a really, truly legit Jedi Master.
1. Your boyfriend has a shag haircut and once kissed his twin sister. Congratulations! You’re dating Young Luke Skywalker! He is truly a Jedi master.
2. Your boyfriend is a loner who hangs out in swamps and talks backwardly. Good news, everyone! You’re dating Yoda, a Jedi master among Jedi masters.
3. Your boyfriend belongs to the church of Jediism. The bad news for you is he’s not a Jedi master. The good news is you can tell your mother he attends church regularly.
4. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Hey, good for you! You’re dating Obi-Wan Kenobi!
5. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Or you’re dating Old Luke Skywalker.
6. Your boyfriend force-chokes his stupid enemies, and looks good in black. Technically, your boyfriend is a Sith Lord, but I’m going to call it close enough. You’re dating Darth Vader!
7. Your boyfriend looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Excellent! You’re dating the Jedi that Samuel L. Jackson played in those movies that don’t exist.
8. Your boyfriend is a whiny baby who throws temper tantrums and is a dirty patricide. Spoiler alert! You’re dating Kylo Ren.
9. Your boyfriend would turn the galaxy upside down if someone kidnapped his daughter. Yea! You’re dating either Qui-Gon Jinn or Liam Neeson in Taken (and Taken 2).
10. Your boyfriend is a pretty lady. Holy Mary Sues, Batman! You’re dating Rey, who is a super-powerful Jedi despite having neither training nor any knowledge of the Force prior to it awakening within her!
So there you have it! You’re definitely dating one of the guys who goes to a Jedi Church, because the rest of them are made up.
It’s been a long time since I’ve done a big ol’ post like this, and I apologize. You guys deserve better. We all deserve better. Especially since we’re probably dating evil aliens, and we don’t even know for sure which ones.
Well I can tell you, through the power of making a list! The excitement of a list! Who’s with me? Here’s a list of aliens you could be dating, were you to be dating an evil alien!
1. Alien. The best way to tell if you’re dating the Alien from Alien is if she bleeds acid and eats everyone except Ripley.
But is she so bad? She bleeds acid, eats everyone except Ripley, and lays eggs in your face.
2. The Thing. It would be hard to know if you’re dating The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, because The Thing is a shapeshifter and, thus, could look like anybody.
But how evil is The Thing? The Thing murders innocent little doggies and wants to take over the planet.
3. Alf. If you never watched a sitcom in the 1980s, you wouldn’t know if you’re dating this Alien Life Form (see? clever!) or not. Alias Gordon Schumway, which I don’t remember how to spell, Alf is a hairy little bastard who boards with the whitest family ever and likes to eat cats.
Is he really evil, though? It depends on your stance on housecats, I suppose.
4. Superman. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton who’s just like a human, except he’s super.
But he’s a good guy, isn’t he? Eh, if you look at some of the stuff he got up to in the ’50s, it’s hard to be sure.
5. J’onn J’onzz. This guy is a Martian who probably pals around with Superman from time to time.
I thought he was a good guy too. He probably is, but I now realize going into this list with a meager grasp on sci-fi was a terrible, terrible idea.
6. A Skrull. Skrulls are aliens in the Marvel universe. They also can, I think, shapeshift. Seriously, I should’ve thought this through harder.
Skrulls are pretty bad, right? I think so? Usually they’re bad guys, maybe?
7. E.T. This Extra Terrestrial (see? Clever again!) looks like a wrinkled, monster turnip, and loves Reece’s Pieces.
But he’s totally not evil, though. It’s sweet that you’re so trusting.
8. Spock. Good news! I just remembered that Mr. Spock exists, and he’s an alien! You can tell it’s him if he resembles the late Leonard Nimoy (or, I suppose, Sylar from Heroes), and he’s got pointy ears and is very logical.
Now, Spock’s definitely not evil. Only when it’s logical, baby. Only when it’s logical.
9. Chewbacca. The funny thing about Chewbacca is that my spellchecker really thinks I’m trying to write “backache.” With this most famous of the Wookiees, you can tell you’re dating him if he’s seven feet tall and really hairy. It’s either him, or a tall dude with a hair growth issue, I guess.
But is he evil? Just let him win at space chess, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
10. An illegal immigrant. If your significant other is here to steal our jobs, rape our women and other things Donald Trump might say, you’re dating an illegal alien.
All that work for an immigration joke? So it turns out I’m the real evil.
I love Buster Keaton, and you all should too.
Here’s 10 pictures of him that are really great.
1. Buster Keaton looks good in a kitten hat.
2. Buster Keaton looks good in a swimsuit.
3. Buster didn’t need no stinkin’ chairs.
4. He was a man of many talents.
5. He’d bring you flowers.
6. He directed most of his own films.
7. Buster Keaton looked good with a puppy in his pants.
8. He cleans up good.
9. He loves animals and animals love him.
10. He loves Lon Chaney as much as we do.
Lately, you’ve decided you want to fight crime and battle evil, but you know you haven’t got the chutzpah to manage solo. Luckily for you, there’s a whole, wonderful world of sidekickery to satisfy your vigilante needs!
So who should you team up with? Well, good news! I’ve made a list of heroes who tend to work in duos or would, at least, be amenable to that sort of thing.
1. Batman. The Dark Knight seems like the kind of guy who’d prefer working solo, so he can brood and stuff, but it turns out he doesn’t mind spending time with pubescent boys! The plus side is you’d get to work with Batman. The negative side is he’d want you to wear that outfit.
2. Sherlock Holmes. Another loner type, it turns out Holmes is happiest when he has someone stupider than him hanging about so he can show off his marvelous intellect. Luckily for Holmes, everyone is stupider than him, so it’s not like he needs to slum. The plus side is now you’re John Watson! The negative side is if you’re not actually John Watson, you don’t really get to spend time with Sherlock Holmes.
3. Captain America. Captain America had Buddy, which, as a superhero sidekick name, is even worse than Robin. The plus side is Buddy totally turned evil, so Captain America is absolutely in the market for a new sidekick. The other, even better plus side is that Captain America looks like Chris Evans now. The negative side is there is no negative side. Run to him! Run to Captain America!
4. Green Arrow. Green Arrow is like Robin Hood, but he wears even more green than a man trying to blend into a forest landscape. He’s worked with Speedy and, apparently, Speedy II, because why shouldn’t sidekicks have sequels, right? The negative side is you’d probably be stuck lugging all his arrows around. I can’t think of a plus side.
5. The Green Hornet. The Green Hornet is another guy who wears green to fight crime. I’m not sure why this is a thing. I don’t know much about him, except that Bruce Lee was really great. So, actually, I don’t know anything about the Green Hornet, except that Kato was his sidekick, and Kato was great. The plus side is you’d be the new Kato. The negative side is we live in a world without Bruce Lee.
6. Superman. I know it seems like Superman works alone, because, seriously, who can keep up with a demigod who has all the superpowers? But you’re forgetting the plucky Jimmy Olsen, who is absolutely useless, but never gets laser-visioned by Supes! The plus side is you’d probably never be in danger because of your association with Superman, as you would be like a gnat compared to the monstrous villains he faces. The negative side is gnats get squished.
7. Archie. I’m just putting Archie here because I found Jughead on a list of sidekicks. They probably fight crime sometimes, I don’t know.
8. Iron Man. Iron Man is a guy who wears, like, a robot to fight crime. As War Machine, you would also get to wear a robot, and you would have an even cooler name. The plus side is those things I just listed. The negative side is wearing a robot sounds heavy.
9. The Flash. The Flash’s sidekick is Kid Flash, although I think maybe Kid Flash is the Flash now, and has a new Kid Flash? Also, doesn’t it seem like Speedy should be the Flash’s sidekick, and not Green Arrow’s? The plus side is you’d get to move at speeds that are fatal to most mortals. The negative side is you probably have to have some kind of mysterious accident, like getting struck by lightning while petting a cheetah, to gain that ability.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman doesn’t need a sidekick. Wonder Woman works alone. Wonder Woman is an Amazon goddess, and she can kick ass all on her own, unlike the boys here. The plus side is that Wonder Woman seems nice, so she’d probably let you hang around and pretend like you’re sidekicking. The negative side is seriously, kid, she can handle this on her own, so why don’t you just step out of the way?
Modern teens should love silent films and silent film stars more, don’t you think? That way, they’d know for sure if you’re dating one of these fabulous superstars of the 1920s:
1. Is your girlfriend known as “The Girl with Beestung Lips”? People in the ’20s came up with terrible nicknames, didn’t they? Anyway, Mae Murray was a super-famous movie star for several years and, if you ever asked her, she would insist she was always and would always be a super-famous movie star, even when she was sleeping on a park bench. Poor Mae Murray.
2. Does your boyfriend get mocked mercilessly by jealous journalists? Then you’re dating Rudolph Valentino, who was sometimes called “The Pink Powder Puff,” because 1920s reporters hated the guys that got all the ladies.
3. Maybe your girlfriend is called “America’s Sweetheart.” Mary Pickford was called that, despite being Canadian by birth, because Americans loved her the most.
4. Perhaps your boyfriend has a propensity for action and adventure, and being shirtless in an era where most people didn’t even admit they had chests. Then, you lucky soul, you’re dating Douglas Fairbanks. Don’t tell Mary Pickford, though.
5. Does your girlfriend totally have a secret thing for D.W. Griffith? Lillian Gish totally had a secret thing for and/or with D.W. Griffith. Also, it wasn’t very secret.
6. Your boyfriend is suffering from a crippling morphine addiction, which will end in tragedy. Wallace Reid suffered from a crippling morphine addiction, which ended in tragedy!
7. Your girlfriend is a total diva. She was such a diva, she was the obvious choice to star in Sunset Boulevard decades later.
8. Your boyfriend looks better without a mustache. Everyone looks better without a mustache, but especially John Gilbert, because why did ladies want him hiding part of his face like that?
9. Your girlfriend’s so famous, she doesn’t even need a first name! In your faces, Cher and Madonna: Nazimova went by Nazimova and, damn, did she work it.
10. Your boyfriend is Ramon Novarro, because I ran out of clever things to say. He was too sweet to out-seduce Valentino, and too gay to out-seduce John Gilbert, but nobody cared because he had that face.
You want to dress up for Halloween, but you don’t know if you’ll be mistaken for a horrible, horrible bigot? Well, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out is your costume racist or not.
1. You’re going as a sexy Indian. That’s, yeah, kind of racist.
2. You’re going in a sheet with eyeholes cut out. There’s two kinds of sheets with eyeholes cut out.
Choose the good kind.
3. You’re going in blackface. Please don’t go in blackface. It doesn’t matter how you intend it, blackface has a terrible, terrible history, and you’ll be wearing all that history on your face.
4. You’re going as a sexy Geisha. I’ll admit I love Geisha costumes, because real kimono are just too hard for me to put on properly. But is it racist? Let’s just say it’s appropriating another culture. Do it with respect.
5. You’re going as a superhero. Probably not racist, but it kind of depends on the superhero.
6. You’re going as a sexy gangster. Gangsters weren’t really that sexy. They had all sorts of dental problems, and didn’t shower much from being on the run. That said? Not so racist.
7. You’re going in a sombrero. I guess I understand if you have a sombrero just hanging around the house and you’re like, what else am I going to do with it, but for God’s sake, don’t go all-out stereotype, and you should be okay.
8. You’re going to wear a turban. Why would you do that? You’re terrible.
9. You’re going as Elsa from Frozen. Not racist, but maybe pick something else, because there are already millions of 5-year-old girls wearing your costume.
10. You’re going as Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. Not racist, but you’re dressed up as a pedophile serial killer so, you know, there’s that.
Man, that’s a long post title.
Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?
Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!
1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.
2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.
3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?
4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.
5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.
6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.
7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.
8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.
9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?
10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.