So you’ve met this great guy, and he’s probably the president, but isn’t the president married or something, and also in Washington, DC? So who the hell is this guy you’re dating?
Here’s a helpful little list of 10 items that you can use to find out.
1. Your new boyfriend is probably Muslim, because Obama rhymes with Osama, because that’s a completely logical connection to make.
2. Your new boyfriend is the first black president, except some people say “Well, isn’t he part white, so it doesn’t really count?” so they can feel better about being horrible, horrible racists.
3. Speaking of white, he lives at the White House.
4. With his wife and some amount of children and possibly a pet or two.
5. Your Republican friends are very disapproving of your new boyfriend, because he’s a bleeding-heart liberal and also the president.
6. Especially your friends who own businesses that don’t want to pay for birth control for women.
7. Seriously, if someone could explain to me exactly how being on the pill is the same as abortion, I’d love to hear it. Try it without a crazy rant though.
8. Recently, your boyfriend has suffered a bit of a decline in popularity, but in the end, it turns out most people still like him anyway.
9. Except that guy who writes letters to your newspaper using phrases like “this once great nation.”
10. …And, you know, the one percent.
So to answer your question: No, you’re not dating the president.
Sure, the nature of man is inherently evil. But your new boyfriend seems even more inherently evil than most. That’s because you’re probably dating a supervillain. Or maybe just a jerk. But how to be sure? By using this handy guide, of course!
1. Does your boyfriend blame others for his male-pattern baldness? Say, like, SUPERMAN?
2. When you guys have a night in, you bring the movie and the popcorn and then you meet at his lair. Some superheroes, like Batman, have a lair. Most superheroes, however, don’t call their hideouts “lairs.” Only supervillains do that.
3. Does your boyfriend have henchmen? The charismatic supervillain tends to be surrounded by a variety of henchmen.
4. Sometimes, your boyfriend gets so excited talking about his evil plans for world domination that he gives the hero time to escape. A tragic flaw of the standard supervillain!
5. Say, wait a sec. Your boyfriend has evil plans for world domination? You know who doesn’t have evil plans for world domination? Joe Average that you meet at the bar. You know who does have evil plans for world domination?
6. Also, there’s this guy in a costume usually hanging about, thwarting your boyfriend, and when you ask who that guy is, your boyfriend describes him as “my nemesis.” Most people don’t have nemesises. Nemesi? What the hell is the plural of nemesis? Actually, there probably isn’t a plural because if you do go to the trouble of having a nemesis, you generally only have the one. Anyway, I forgot my point.
7. Does your boyfriend set up elaborate traps to capture this guy he describes as his nemesis, and then those traps inevitably fail? You know that’s because good always triumphs, right?
8. Sometimes you just want to cuddle, but your boyfriend always wants to plot against his nemesis. Yeah, that’s rough. Maybe you should get a nemesis, and do your own plotting!
9. You waited for your boyfriend to call, but he never did, and then you were watching the news and there was someone on the news resembling your boyfriend talking about his plans for world domination and, also, kidnapping the mayor or something. In this scenario, I’m assuming your boyfriend’s one of those old-fashioned supervillains that doesn’t just mass murder people.
10. Last but not least, you know your boyfriend’s a supervillain when you go to the post office and his picture’s not on the Wanted poster or the Most Wanted poster but on the Super Most Wanted Poster. Because they totally have those, and this wasn’t a lame joke to end this post on.
There are many important — nay, imperative — life lessons to be gleaned from horror/sci-fi movies featuring aliens that want to kill us all.
Here are 10 of them:
1. Always keep a backup flamethrower.
Barring a backup flamethrower, make certain your flamethrower has plenty of fuel, because they always, always, always run out at the most inconvenient time.
2. Never freeze up in terror.
Predators never think motionless little rabbits are rocks, and the evil alien that is killing everything around you will likewise not think you are a rock. Your first inclination might be to hold very still and just hope it goes away, but that always ends in tragedy, except for the evil alien.
3. Never NEVER split up.
I know this advice seems a bit counter-intuitive, because if you’re all sitting in one big group, you’re like a human buffet for the killer alien, but there is safety in numbers. As soon as you split up, people start getting eaten, or replicated, or cocooned, or some other godawful thing.
4. Learn how to say “That’s not a dog! It’s an evil shape-shifting alien that wants to kill us all!” in as many languages as possible, even that one that’s mostly tongue clicks.
If the Norwegians in The Thing had been able to spout off this phrase in English or, alternatively, if the Americans had been able to understand this phrase in Norwegian, the tragedy that later followed could easily have been avoided.
5. Never trust androids.
I don’t care how Michael Fassbender-y they are, they have almost certainly been programmed to kill you for their masters’ nefarious whims.
6. It’s never the most obvious guy.
Sure, Clark’s acting all shifty and weird, like he’s probably been replaced by some sort of shape-shifting alien bent on world domination, but did it occur to you that he’s always acted shifty and weird? It’s probably one of the hippies.
7. It’s really cool when someone’s head turns into a spider.
Everything about that scene is win.
8. Don’t put off hunting the evil alien for a more convenient time.
This is a common mistake, apparently. You need to begin your indiscriminate slaughter as soon as possible, before the aliens have time to multiply, or get bigger, or whatever. DO NOT WAIT! EXTERMINATE!
9. Don’t leave the crazy guy alone, because he’ll almost certainly do something crazy and ruin everything for everybody.
That crazy thing could be releasing an alien face-hugger (see Aliens) or it could be as simple as getting replicated by the shape-shifting alien, trying to build some sort of craft and killing pretty much everybody who’s left.
10. And, last but not least: For God’s sake, if you come across some sort of disgusting alien blob-thing, never stick your face up close to it.
This is a lesson not only for you, Kane, but also for everybody at that Antarctic base who was poking around in the alien autopsy. Sticking your face up close to the suspiciously maybe-dead-but-probably-not alien blob is always, always, always a bad idea. Never do it. Ever.
Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.
1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?
Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.
2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?
Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.
3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?
It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.
4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?
And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”
5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?
It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.
6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?
It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.
7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?
You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”
8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?
I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?
9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?
Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!
10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?
No. No they cannot.
Everybody loves a mad scientist. And lucky you! You just so happen to be dating one! … You think.
Let’s just make sure, shall we?
1. Oh, your boyfriend is mad, all right. Very mad indeed. But it turns out that instead of science, his obsession is millinery.
Interesting story! The famous courtesan Kitty Fisher was a milliner before she became a courtesan. Later, she died of lead poisoning due to the ingredients in the popular face makeup of the time.
(Shut up! Learning things is fun!)
2. Your boyfriend is mad, and also a scientist. Also, he has a pet monster.
And sometimes, people call the monster by your boyfriend’s name.
3. OK, your boyfriend is a scientist, AND he’s mad, and he’s also really, really old.
And from the future!
4. Madness is a trait of your boyfriend’s, and maybe he’s a scientist, but probably not. Also, his name is Max.
And he’s Mel Gibson before he went mad.
5. So let’s say your boyfriend is a genius scientist who happens to be mad. Should you feel badly about two-timing him with his evil self?
6.Your boyfriend’s mad, a scientist, and Edison hates him soooo much.
He’s probably just jealous that they’ll get David Bowie to portray him in the movies.
7. For your birthday, he got you a puppy.
And its DNA had been spliced with a human’s, and it’s miserable, and you’re miserable, and you all live miserably together on an island.
8. He travels to other universes!
And has a pet cow.
9. He might be mad, he’s definitely a warrior, and he battles evil.
And hangs out with Warwick Davis.
(It’s a Willow reference. Get it?)
10. He travels through time in elegant fashion, and has awesome (?) hair.
Some folks might say you could do better than dating Doc Brown, but some folks are crazy.
There you go. Unless you’re dating the Mad Hatter, Mad Max or Madmartigan, then you’re definitely dating a mad scientist. I hope this helped you. I know it helped me.
So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
Now, some sins aren’t even, well, “sins,” per se, but they’re still very annoying, and almost assuredly there’s a special spot in hell for people who do these things.
Here’s a list of 10 things that make me hope you spend at least a few months of your eternity suffering for your transgressions:
1. People who don’t pull over for ambulances. This. Pisses. Me. Off. So. Much. Like, where could you possibly be going that is more important than the people who are trying to save someone’s life? Pull over! You suck! I hate you!
2. People who throw cigarettes out their car windows. I hate littering in general, but it really, really, really ticks me off when people throw cigarettes out their windows. Because all cars have ash trays in them, Christ. True story: I went to visit one of my friends in Whitefish, Montana, and she was working as a firefighter that summer. We were driving along, and she flicked her still-lit cigarette out the window into the very dry, dry, dry bushes. “What is that, job security?” I said. “Ha, ha, ha,” she said. We haven’t spoken since.
3. People who don’t put their shopping carts away. Once, there was an old guy parked right next to the cart rack and he didn’t put his shopping cart away. As I put mine away, and put his away too, I shouted to him, “Hey, did you notice? There’s a cart rack right here? It’s right next to you!” Really, it’s a miracle nobody’s murdered me yet.
4. People who switch lines when the sales clerk says “I can help whoever’s next,” and they aren’t next. A woman did that when there was this really, really old, fragile lady in front of her who’d been waiting much longer, and I loudly declared, “I believe this lady in front of you was next, why don’t you wait your turn?” And she ignored me, because she was a double bitch.
5. People who think they’re better than you because your job requires you to help them. Not too long ago, one of our customers said to me, “What would you know? You’re just a receptionist.” I thought to myself: “I know you’re an asshole. That’s something.”
6. People who “correct” you when they’re actually wrong. “I think you spelled ‘interment’ wrong,” the family said to me. “Really?” I said. “Because I’ve done 50 obituaries this week alone, and you’ve only done one.” (In real life, I said it much nicer, of course.)
7. People who chew gum constantly. I understand that some people are very concerned about their breath, but when you look like a cow gnawing cud at Grandma’s funeral, it’s time to look into breath mints.
8. People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold open the door for them. I always say “You’re welcome” very loudly, and sometimes, they are shamed into saying “thank you.” Other times, I guess they are deaf-mutes.
9. People who play their car stereos so loud you can feel it. Look, I know you’re really proud of your taste in music, but it is causing me physical pain.
10. People who insist on driving under the speed limit until the light’s about to turn red and then they blast through it, leaving you to wait and curse them and their descendents unto their dying days.
Everyone likes your new boyfriend.
“He’s a big improvement over that Egyptian mummy you were dating,” they say.
But what they don’t know is that your boyfriend is actually the assassin known as Lone Wolf and Cub: Ogami Itto. Or is he?
No, he totally is.
Here’s a list that proves it:
1. Your new boyfriend is a samurai — more specifically, he’s actually a ronin.
You know who used to be a samurai but then became a ronin? Ogami Itto! Ogami Itto did that very thing I said!
2. And not only is he a ronin (a.k.a. a masterless samurai, for those of you who aren’t quite as obsessed with Japanese culture as the rest of us), he’s a skilled assassin!
My goodness! Your boyfriend is also a skilled assassin. What a coincidence! Except not, because your boyfriend is probably Ogami Itto!
3. Also, he’s got this cute little kid that tags along everywhere with him.
And he goes by Ogami Daigoro (because in Japan, last names come first), and omigod, he is the cutest little kid ever, but don’t get on his bad side, because, seriously, he’ll cut you.
4. Not only is your new boyfriend a ronin, an assassin and a father, he’s also on the demon’s path of revenge (meifumado, as it’s known to the samurai) to avenge his wife’s murder and the sullying of his family name.
Kind of hard to believe he manages to find the time for dating with all that going on his life, you know?
5. Sometimes he talks about his mortal enemies, the Yagyu, and how it’s a shame they couldn’t have remained noble samurai.
Because he’s a noble samurai, even with all the killing for money.
6. Your biggest competitors for your boyfriend’s love are prostitutes and thieves.
For some reason, those ladies are just crazy for Ogami Itto.
7. When you go out on dates, you’re often targeted for murder by covert forces, such as ninja or other ronin or bounty hunters.
Probably not Boba Fett, though. Unless you’re in some sort of awesome crossover universe, in which case, can I come visit you there?
8. Also, he always brings his sword everywhere with him, because his sword is his samurai soul.
Yup, sounds like Ogami Itto all right.
9. Does he hardly ever get killed, except when his enemies resort to underhanded tactics?
And then he totally does get killed? And then you cry a little bit because it was so sad?
10. And, finally, is your boyfriend about to get ruined by a Hollywood movie?
“But why would Hollywood ruin a classic samurai epic?” you wonder. “What could possibly be in it for them?”
There’s no doubt about it. Your new shoes are haunted. Hell, they couldn’t be more haunted if they tried.
So how did you end up with a pair of haunted shoes?
(Really? You can’t remember? It must be all the possessing of your soul that’s been going on.)
Here’s the story of how you ended up with haunted shoes, told in 10 easy steps, because I’m running out of supernatural beings for teenaged girls to date:
1. We told you not to go to the murder house. But would you listen to us? No. No, you would not. “Don’t go to the murder house,” we said. “What’s that?” you replied. “I wasn’t listening, because I’m too busy going off to the murder house.”
2. “And if you must go to the murder house, don’t buy anything at the estate sale,” we suggested.
But you were all hot to buy something at the murder house, weren’t you? “If I buy something at the murder house estate sale, then I’ll be the owner of something that I bought at the murder house estate sale,” you said, both logically and repetitively.
3. So you went to the murder house estate sale, despite our strenuous objections, and there you began bidding. Really, you wanted to get the murder house steak knife set, which wasn’t actually used in the commission of any murders in the murder house, but still seemed pretty cool and possibly like it might be worth something on e-bay. “Genuine murder house steak knife set,” you considered as a listing.
4. Unfortunately, the bidding went a little beyond your price range, and someone else ended up with the steak knife set as well as the dead-eyed porcelain doll. To tell you the truth, we think you dodged a bullet there. Haunted shoes are bad enough, but those porcelain dolls are instruments of Satan himself.
5. But when the haunted shoes came up, you managed to score them. “What’s a little blood on shoes?” the auctioneer said, while his assistant held up the blood-stained shoes while wearing a thick pair of gloves. “It gives them personality,” the auctioneer encouraged.
6. So when the estate sale was over, you went home with a pair of bloody shoes. “In fact,” you thought to yourself, “there seems to be even more blood on them now than when I first bought them, sort of like that elevator of blood in The Shining.”
7. And that’s when the haunting began. First it was the ghostly rapping and footsteps, and then it was the brief appearance of apparitions standing at the edge of your bed just as you were about to drop off to sleep, and finally it was the possessions.
8. That’s right, I said “Possessions.” We told you and told you: “Don’t wear the blood-stained shoes you bought at the murder house estate sale. Are you crazy?” “But they fit so nicely, and they’re quite stylish,” you said, and slipped them onto your feet, and slipped off into some kind of fugue state.
9. And that’s how you ended up here. “Here?” Yes. In the murder house, gripping a set of steak knives and a dead-eyed porcelain doll. Also, you were moaning something about your eternal slumber being disturbed and how all must pay and something about “this soul now belongs to us.”
10. So, anyway, yes, your shoes are haunted, and, yes, your soul is now in the possession of the spirits that haunt the murder house. But if you manage to get control of your faculties long enough to throw the haunted items out the window to us, we promise we’ll put them up on e-bay in your memory.
Guys, I know it’s hard out there in the dating world, what with all the ladies dating the vampires and werewolves and what-have-you. And what have you got for mythical creatures? Ha! Mermaids, if you’re lucky.
But the good news is: you have found a girl. She seems nice, doesn’t she? But lately, you’ve noticed, she’s acting a bit … well … mutated.
So perhaps you’re dating a mutant?
Let’s find out.
1. Does your special lady friend have the power to read your mind and also turn her body into diamond-like substance, rendering her almost impossible to harm?
That doesn’t seem fair, you know. Maybe if she wasn’t hogging all the superpowers, there’d be more left for the rest of us.
2. Can she walk through walls?
Not in a ghosty way, more like in a telephase-y kind of way?
3. When you kiss, does she absorb your life energy?
Possibly sending you into a coma, depending on said kiss’s intensity?
4. Can she control the elements of nature?
And does she have a kind of stupid name?
5. Does she sometimes get possessed by something called the Phoenix Force and then try to destroy the universe or something?
Also, did she kill you in the third X-Men movie and you immediately rebounded to Superman’s ex-girlfriend?
6. Do people keep asking you why you’re two- and three-timing your girlfriend, and where did all those hot ladies come from anyway, and what do they see in you?
“Guys, she’s a shapeshifter,” you protest, and they roll their eyes?
7. Does she have a band, sometimes roller-skates, likes disco and pretty lights?
And does she have a ridiculously bad superhero name?
8. Speaking of pretty lights, can she create plasma explosions?
Also, did she later lose her mutant powers and get turned into a vampire and … really? Gods, no wonder I don’t read any X-Men series.
9. Is she scarlet and also a witch?
You could do worse.
10. Does she only have one eye and live in the future?
Stop dating her! She and Phillip J. Fry are meant to be together, dammit!
So, to answer your question: Yes, without a doubt, you are absolutely dating a mutant.