Signs of the impending robot apocalypse

May 3, 2013 at 10:55 am (Top Ten) (, )

I used to think that we’d all be killed off in a zombie apocalypse, but it’s become clear that our desire for technology has far outpaced our necromancy skills. Which means that robots is going to kill us all, just like Bender says.

Here’s a list of how, and why.

1. The Cars that Can Park Themselves. Because once cars can park themselves, it’s one short stop to killing/enslaving humanity.

"First this parking spot; next: the world!"

“First: this parking spot; next: the world!”

2.Vacuum cleaner robots.  Because vacuum cleaner robots, that’s why.

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player. ("Mom, what's a CD player?" says half the internet.)

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player.
(“Mom, what’s a CD player?” says half the internet.)

3. That creepy baby robot that Japan made because Japan hates everything that is good and holy, ever. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.



4. Our increasing reliance on smartphones. You know that’s what they want.

Or maybe it's just because I'm jealous that my smartphone knows more than me?

Damn smartphones. Think you’re so smart.

5.The gigantic robot spiders. Seriously, really, Japan?



6. The Japanese robot actroid, because it now has “no fear of crowds.STOP MAKING ME PICK YOU, JAPAN.


Wait, hold on a sec.
*breathes in*

7. The Japanese robot suit because it was created by Cyberdyne BECAUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JAPAN?

"That's right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not."

“That’s right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not.”

8. Shiri, because a robot that is a butt that is called “butt (shiri)” probably wants nothing more than revenge for being brought into the world. Goddammit, Japan, WHY?

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

9. CB2. Because CB2 haunts my dreams.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

10. Oh, and good news: Ropits, the car that can DRIVE ITSELF THEY’RE COMING FOR US OH GOD.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

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So you think you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction: A modern teen’s guide

March 19, 2013 at 11:03 am (Top Ten) (, , , )

Lately, you’ve noticed your life is filled with grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, poor spelling and way more deviant fetishes than you’re used to. Does that mean you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction?

Almost certainly!

But to find out for sure, please use this handy guide as a reference.

1. Do you often get the feeling you’re a Mary-Sue type stand-in for someone else? Like, maybe you’re just an average girl with the character trait of “clumsiness” so people won’t think you’re perfect, but all the hot boys in town love you.

"You killed my father, prepare to die?"

“You killed my father, prepare to die?”

2.When people around you talk, do they often resort to overblown romantic cliches? Perhaps they say things like “You are my life now” or “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”

Trick question! This just means you're hanging out with a sparkly vampire.

Trick question! This just means you’re hanging out with a sparkly vampire.

3. Are you having lots of kinky sex? Like, with dinosaurs and stuff?

This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn't click that link.

This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn’t click that link.

4. Alternately, are you having, like, no sex, because it’s important to wait? But it’s OK, because then he can watch you while you sleep and stuff, which is really romantic and not stalker-y at all.

Hey, it's cool if he's a vampire.

Hey, it’s cool if he’s a vampire.

5. Do you notice a distinct lack of punctuation when you talk, think or otherwise anything? I guess you could be in one of those “stream-of-consciousness” novels, but those are usually written by writers that can spell.

Good spelling aside, I really didn't enjoy this book.

Good spelling aside, I really didn’t enjoy this book.

6. On a related note, how is the spelling in your life? Sure, in everyday life, you’re bound to come across the bad speller here and there, but is, like, everything spelled wrong? Like, you can’t even seem to spell your own name the same way twice in one paragraph? And it’s not even a long paragraph, but a pretty short one?

7. But ignoring all the spelling and punctuation errors in fan fiction that drive me nuts, have you noticed another staple of a bad fanfic? That is, random characters showing up that have nothing to do with your life? Like, say, you live in Twin Peaks, and all of a sudden Bilbo Baggins shows up. With a velociraptor.

"For god's sake, don't click this link either!"

“For god’s sake, don’t click this link either!”

8. Or do people who would never ever have sex with each other start having sex with each other? Because that happens a lot in fan fiction, which is why slash fiction exists.

9. Perhaps you’ve noticed people wearing tee-shirts extolling the virtues of the poorly-written fan fiction you’re trapped in. Don’t they realize you’re suffering?

When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.

When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.

10. Seriously, though, do you have a hard time telling if you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction or if you’re just a character in Twilight? Eh, let’s split the difference. You’re probably trapped in 50 Shades of Grey.

Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don't let them cast any actors I like. Amen.

Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don’t let them cast any actors I like. Amen.

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So you think you’re dating a movie pirate: A modern teen’s guide

January 15, 2013 at 11:57 am (Top Ten) (, , )

Now that you’ve broken up with your last boyfriend, the mad scientist, you’re free to start dating this new fellow that’s been hanging around. He’s jaunty, mysterious, perhaps a bit swarthy (a word I now know what it is). You know what that means? The post title is what that means!

So is your new guy a pirate, or is he, perhaps, not a pirate?

Here’s a handy ten-step list to find out!

1. Does your new boyfriend have a ship? Not a boat, a ship. Rich people and fisherman have boats. Pirates have ships.

Ships with SKULL FLAGS on 'em.

Ships with SKULL FLAGS on ’em.

2. Does your new boyfriend commit horrifying acts of torture and crime? Oh, good news, then. You’re not dating a movie pirate. You’re dating a real pirate.

Oh, the one with the bandolier's your boyfriend? He seems ... nice.

Oh, the one with the bandolier’s your boyfriend? He seems … nice.

3. Does your new boyfriend dress flamboyantly and wear eyeliner? Does he also like musical theater? If he does, you’re not dating a movie pirate, you’re dating a gay stereotype.

4. Does your new boyfriend dress flamboyantly and wear eyeliner? And he doesn’t like musical theater?

... All right, he's probably a gay stereotype too.

… All right, he’s probably a gay stereotype too.

5. When your new boyfriend’s around, do people have a hard time not commenting on his: A) peg leg; B) eye patch; C) hook instead of a hand?

Or D) All of the above, plus his marked lack of dental hygiene?

Or D) All of the above, plus his marked lack of dental hygiene?

6. Does he say Arrrr a lot? Not Arrgghhh, though. If he says Arrgghhh, he’s either an ogre or in some sort of Monty Python sketch.

Now let's all quote from The Holy Grail!

Now let’s all quote from The Holy Grail!

7. Does your new boyfriend have a parrot? If he lets it sit on his shoulder all the time, you should probably invest in the services of an excellent dry cleaner.

8. Does your new boyfriend spend his time (when he’s not with you, of course) with a ragtag band of merry misfits? Well, he could be Robin Hood, or maybe even Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer.

... Hiding away the misfit toys on an out-of-the-way island seems almost racist somehow.

Hiding away the misfit toys on an out-of-the-way island seems kind of racist somehow.

9. Does your new boyfriend spend his time with a ragtag band of merry misfits? On his ship?

10. Does your boyfriend say he’d like to commit, but his first love is the sea?  Whoo, boy, does that sound like something a movie pirate would say!

That's right, baby. Work the beach. Work the beach.

That’s right, baby. Work the beach. Work the beach.

So your boyfriend has a ship, dresses flamboyantly and doesn’t like musical theater, says Arrrr a lot and is missing various body parts. Also he has a parrot and loves the sea more than you.

Then to answer your question: Yes! You are absolutely dating a movie pirate.

Is that a monkey on his shoulder or is your movie pirate boyfriend just happy to see me?

Is that a monkey on his shoulder or is your movie pirate boyfriend just happy to see me?

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It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I …

December 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm (Top Ten) ()

1) Would be making my mom proud that I’m wearing clean underwear.

Oh, look, everyone's mom wrote a book.

Oh, look, everyone’s mom wrote a book.

2) Am leaving the laundry for tomorrow.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'd rather die than do the laundry, but at least if I'm dead, I won't have to do the laundry.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’d rather die than do the laundry, but at least if I’m dead, I won’t have to do the laundry.

3) Will be baking a cake this evening for our new overlords, the ancient Mayan gods.

Mmmmm, apocaliciuos.

Mmmmm, apocaliciuos.

4) Have been listening to Verdi all day, because nothing gets you in the mood for the end of everything as we know it like a good old Day of Wrath.

5) Wish I could have gotten my hair to look nicer.

Yeah, it looks kind of like that, but with more hair and less flaming wreckage.

Yeah, it looks kind of like that, but with more hair and less flaming wreckage.

6) Hope it at least waits until after I watch the new episode of Fringe tonight.

I'll bet the ancient Mayans would like Fringe.

I’ll bet the ancient Mayans would like Fringe.

7) Wonder if the end of the world takes into account different time zones, or what, because it’s already Dec. 22nd where my brother lives, and he’s fine, as far as I know.

Or, you know, as fine as anyone living on a tropical island CAN be, I suppose.

Or, you know, as fine as anyone living on a tropical island CAN be, I suppose.

8) Am slacking off at work for a moment to write this list, because what are they going to do? KILL ME?

9) Am struggling to come up with a number nine for this list.

10) Told my daughter she’d be getting a pony for Christmas, so I’m hoping the earthquakes start soon.

"Yes, sweetheart, it will be a magical pony that flies and also grants wishes."

“Yes, sweetheart, it will be a magical pony that flies and also grants wishes.”

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Things I learned this Thanksgiving

November 23, 2012 at 11:19 am (Top Ten) ()

Here’s a top 10 list, because I like lists.

1. It never seemed possible before, but apparently you CAN screw up green bean casserole.

Like water, this saying applies to green bean casserole as well:
“If it’s black, send it back.”

2. Your cousins will avoid helping with the dishes at any cost.

“Dishes?” your cousins will say. “But I’m too busy never holding a steady job in my entire life to bother with that sort of thing!”

3. Probably because they learned it from their mother.

4. Cousins in low-cut dresses will end up with spit-up on their cleavage.

5. But they deserve it, because they didn’t help with ANY of the cooking or the dishes and just sat there like a lump and played with their sister’s baby, so ha ha, you’ve got baby puke on your boobs.

6.The adult version of Uno is a much longer and more irritating game than the children’s version of Uno. But still not as long as Lord of the Rings Monopoly.

After what seems like an eternity, your father will finally win and you will finally get the cork off the last bottle of wine your family brought.

7. No matter how irritating it is to be the only one helping with the dishes except your mother (Thanks, Mom!), at least you don’t have to make small-talk with your family.

8. Which is especially great news, because that means no one’s asking you when you’re going to marry your child’s father, including him, because he didn’t help with the dishes either.

9. Which is one of the many reasons we’re never getting married, if you were wondering.

10. If your dessert is the least runny, it is, by default, the best one.

Actually, cranberry cake with hot butter sauce is ALWAYS good, but it seems especially good in comparison to the runny pecan and pumpkin pies.

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So you think you’re dating the president: a late election day guide for modern teens

November 15, 2012 at 10:36 am (Top Ten) (, )

So you’ve met this great guy, and he’s probably the president, but isn’t the president married or something, and also in Washington, DC? So who the hell is this guy you’re dating?

Here’s a helpful little list of 10 items that you can use to find out.

1. Your new boyfriend is probably Muslim, because Obama rhymes with Osama, because that’s a completely logical connection to make.

Haaaaa, but seriously, I’m so glad this went away by Election 2012.

2. Your new boyfriend is the first black president, except some people say “Well, isn’t he part white, so it doesn’t really count?” so they can feel better about being horrible, horrible racists.

3. Speaking of white, he lives at the White House.

That’s where the president lives!

4. With his wife and some amount of children and possibly a pet or two.

Two. Two children. Possibly no pets. Oh, seriously, like I can keep track of the president’s family?

5. Your Republican friends are very disapproving of your new boyfriend, because he’s a bleeding-heart liberal and also the president.

6. Especially your friends who own businesses that don’t want to pay for birth control for women.

7. Seriously, if someone could explain to me exactly how being on the pill is the same as abortion, I’d love to hear it. Try it without a crazy rant though.

Oh, God, I think this image just murdered a baby.

8. Recently, your boyfriend has suffered a bit of a decline in popularity, but in the end, it turns out most people still like him anyway.

9. Except that guy who writes letters to your newspaper using phrases like “this once great nation.”

I never read the Opinion page, because, if I cared about other people’s opinions, I’d, you know, ask them.

10. …And, you know, the one percent.

Pictured here: A completely accurate representation of all the one percent, ever.

So to answer your question: No, you’re not dating the president.

It would be bad for his image.

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So you think you’re dating a supervillain: A modern teen’s guide

September 11, 2012 at 10:32 am (Top Ten) ()

Sure, the nature of man is inherently evil. But your new boyfriend seems even more inherently evil than most. That’s because you’re probably dating a supervillain. Or maybe just a jerk. But how to be sure? By using this handy guide, of course!

1. Does your boyfriend blame others for his male-pattern baldness? Say, like, SUPERMAN?

Male pattern baldness: Leading men to evil since the dawn of the toupee.

2. When you guys have a night in, you bring the movie and the popcorn and then you meet at his lair. Some superheroes, like Batman, have a lair. Most superheroes, however, don’t call their hideouts “lairs.” Only supervillains do that.

“You know what would make your mysterious lair more cozy, sweetie? Beanbag chairs!”

3. Does your boyfriend have henchmen? The charismatic supervillain tends to be surrounded by a variety of henchmen.

The campier the better!

4. Sometimes, your boyfriend gets so excited talking about his evil plans for world domination that he gives the hero time to escape. A tragic flaw of the standard supervillain!

“Listen, honey, I don’t want to tell you how to go about your supervillainy, but have you ever considered just shooting James Bond in the head and gloating to his corpse?”

5. Say, wait a sec. Your boyfriend has evil plans for world domination? You know who doesn’t have evil plans for world domination? Joe Average that you meet at the bar. You know who does have evil plans for world domination?

In addition to having an evil plan for world domination, known supervillain Magneto also has amazing thigh strength.

6. Also, there’s this guy in a costume usually hanging about, thwarting your boyfriend, and when you ask who that guy is, your boyfriend describes him as “my nemesis.” Most people don’t have nemesises. Nemesi? What the hell is the plural of nemesis? Actually, there probably isn’t a plural because if you do go to the trouble of having a nemesis, you generally only have the one. Anyway, I forgot my point.

Maybe my point was that Nemesis is the goddess of revenge?
Probably not.

7. Does your boyfriend set up elaborate traps to capture this guy he describes as his nemesis, and then those traps inevitably fail? You know that’s because good always triumphs, right?

Things look bad for Batman now, but he’ll triumph eventually. He always does.

8. Sometimes you just want to cuddle, but your boyfriend always wants to plot against his nemesis. Yeah, that’s rough. Maybe you should get a nemesis, and do your own plotting!

I say make it Power Girl, because it’s pretty easy to hate a girl who picks this for a costume.

9. You waited for your boyfriend to call, but he never did, and then you were watching the news and there was someone on the news resembling your boyfriend talking about his plans for world domination and, also, kidnapping the mayor or something. In this scenario, I’m assuming your boyfriend’s one of those old-fashioned supervillains that doesn’t just mass murder people.

“I’m working my way up to it.”

10. Last but not least, you know your boyfriend’s a supervillain when you go to the post office and his picture’s not on the Wanted poster or the Most Wanted poster but on the Super Most Wanted Poster. Because they totally have those, and this wasn’t a lame joke to end this post on.

See? I knew they were a thing.

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Life lessons I learned during my The Thing/Alien marathon

July 9, 2012 at 11:17 am (Top Ten) (, )

There are many important — nay, imperative — life lessons to be gleaned from horror/sci-fi movies featuring aliens that want to kill us all.

Here are 10 of them:

1. Always keep a backup flamethrower.

Barring a backup flamethrower, make certain your flamethrower has plenty of fuel, because they always, always, always run out at the most inconvenient time.

Also, if you can manage it, stick close to Kurt Russell, because he’s pretty badass.

2. Never freeze up in terror.

Predators never think motionless little rabbits are rocks, and the evil alien that is killing everything around you will likewise not think you are a rock. Your first inclination might be to hold very still and just hope it goes away, but that always ends in tragedy, except for the evil alien.

Dammit, Lambert, if you would’ve just moved, Yaphet Kotto mightn’t have needed to die!

3. Never NEVER split up.

I know this advice seems a bit counter-intuitive, because if you’re all sitting in one big group, you’re like a human buffet for the killer alien, but there is safety in numbers. As soon as you split up, people start getting eaten, or replicated, or cocooned, or some other godawful thing.

4. Learn how to say “That’s not a dog! It’s an evil shape-shifting alien that wants to kill us all!” in as many languages as possible, even that one that’s mostly tongue clicks.

If the Norwegians in The Thing had been able to spout off this phrase in English or, alternatively, if the Americans had been able to understand this phrase in Norwegian, the tragedy that later followed could easily have been avoided.

“Stupid Americans.”

5. Never trust androids.

I don’t care how Michael Fassbender-y they are, they have almost certainly been programmed to kill you for their masters’ nefarious whims.

You think you’re tough now, Ripley, but soon he’s going to try to murder you with a magazine somehow!

6. It’s never the most obvious guy.

Sure, Clark’s acting all shifty and weird, like he’s probably been replaced by some sort of shape-shifting alien bent on world domination, but did it occur to you that he’s always acted shifty and weird? It’s probably one of the hippies.

Maybe it’s ALL of the hippies.

7. It’s really cool when someone’s head turns into a spider.

Everything about that scene is win.

Pictorial evidence: The Thing is one of the best movies of all time, evah.

8. Don’t put off hunting the evil alien for a more convenient time.

This is a common mistake, apparently. You need to begin your indiscriminate slaughter as soon as possible, before the aliens have time to multiply, or get bigger, or whatever. DO NOT WAIT! EXTERMINATE!

Oh, sure, it’s relatively cute now, but give it an hour or so, and everyone you know is Alien chow.

9. Don’t leave the crazy guy alone, because he’ll almost certainly do something crazy and ruin everything for everybody.

That crazy thing could be releasing an alien face-hugger (see Aliens) or it could be as simple as getting replicated by the shape-shifting alien, trying to build some sort of craft and killing pretty much everybody who’s left.

Fear Wilford Brimley.

10. And, last but not least: For God’s sake, if you come across some sort of disgusting alien blob-thing, never stick your face up close to it.

This is a lesson not only for you, Kane, but also for everybody at that Antarctic base who was poking around in the alien autopsy. Sticking your face up close to the suspiciously maybe-dead-but-probably-not alien blob is always, always, always a bad idea. Never do it. Ever.

“Yup, nothing about this is a bad idea!”

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So you’re about to be killed by an Alien: A modern teen’s guide

July 3, 2012 at 5:04 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.

1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?

Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.

The first one was the best one. The first one’s always the best one.

2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?

Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.

Ian Holm is a very talented man, but he doesn’t look like Michael Fassbender.

3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?

It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.

What? No, I just mean it’s a great name and all ….
Yes, you’re toast.

4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?

And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”

Well, gosh, I don’t see how this could go horribly wrong and end up with everyone on board dying a horrible death or anything.

5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?

It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.

Is it just me, or does the coconut crab look awfully like a facehugger?

6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?

It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.

7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?

You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”

Hint: It’s because we fill them with killer aliens.

8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?

I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?

9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?

Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!

Which somehow makes her even more badass!

10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?

No. No they cannot.

Ha, ha.
But seriously.
You’re so dead.

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So you think you’re dating a mad scientist: A modern teen’s guide

June 21, 2012 at 11:26 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , )

Everybody loves a mad scientist. And lucky you! You just so happen to be dating one! … You think.

Let’s just make sure, shall we?

1. Oh, your boyfriend is mad, all right. Very mad indeed. But it turns out that instead of science, his obsession is millinery.

The Mad Milliner!

Interesting story! The famous courtesan Kitty Fisher was a milliner before she became a courtesan. Later, she died of lead poisoning due to the ingredients in the popular face makeup of the time.

(Shut up! Learning things is fun!)

2. Your boyfriend is mad, and also a scientist. Also, he has a pet monster.

And sometimes, people call the monster by your boyfriend’s name.

Et tu, Google?

3. OK, your boyfriend is a scientist, AND he’s mad, and he’s also really, really old.

And from the future!

Good news, everybody!
… I can’t think of anything funny to follow that up with.

4. Madness is a trait of your boyfriend’s, and maybe he’s a scientist, but probably not. Also, his name is Max.

And he’s Mel Gibson before he went mad.

Or at least before he was so damned open about his madness, anyway.

5. So let’s say your boyfriend is a genius scientist who happens to be mad. Should you feel badly about two-timing him with his evil self?


I like this cover, because Jekyll invented Hyde with vodka!

6.Your boyfriend’s mad, a scientist, and Edison hates him soooo much.

He’s probably just jealous that they’ll get David Bowie to portray him in the movies.

Who doesn’t love a mad scientist with a mustache that luxurious? (Except Edison)

7. For your birthday, he got you a puppy.

And its DNA had been spliced with a human’s, and it’s miserable, and you’re miserable, and you all live miserably together on an island.

…And the island is named after him and also Val Kilmer is there for some reason.

8. He travels to other universes!

And has a pet cow.

They don’t get much madder than Walter Bishop.

9. He might be mad, he’s definitely a warrior, and he battles evil.

And hangs out with Warwick Davis.

(It’s a Willow reference. Get it?)

Val Kilmer makes two appearances in one post? I feel a bit dirty now.

10. He travels through time in elegant fashion, and has awesome (?) hair.

Some folks might say you could do better than dating Doc Brown, but some folks are crazy.

But not as crazy as Doc Brown.

There you go. Unless you’re dating the Mad Hatter, Mad Max or Madmartigan, then you’re definitely dating a mad scientist. I hope this helped you. I know it helped me.

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