A perfectly reasonable question

July 18, 2017 at 10:02 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) ()

Exactly how many Spider-Man movies do we need, anyway?

“At least seven. Now shut up and give us your money.” — Hollywood

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Want, want, want this

July 18, 2017 at 9:30 am (Things I Want) (, , )

By which I mean, I want both this Twin Peaks Bento and Kyle MacLachlan hanging out at my house in an apron.

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Specialized spam….

July 6, 2017 at 1:46 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I was going to keep going with the whole “sp” sounds there, but then I couldn’t think of anything except “sputter” and “Spartan,” so an ellipsis it is.

Anyway, today I’ll be complaining about the spam at work, because I get spam from spambots who clearly think I’m a bigoted Trump-loving Republican who hates Megyn Kelly (one out of four ain’t bad, I guess).

But the weird thing is our main inbox is clearly a diabetic dude with erectile dysfunction.

“The diabetes is probably causing your inbox’s erectile dysfunction.” — Thus sayeth the spambot.

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On horses and giants and fitting names

June 20, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , )

My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.

“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”

“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”

 

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I didn’t see The Mummy last weekend

June 15, 2017 at 2:52 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I actually kind of like the Brendan Fraser Mummy. It’s cute and fluffy and Brendan Fraser is adorable in his little suspenders.

Hi, cutie-pie!

But I don’t understand why we’re doing a Tom Cruise Mummy. Or why we’re trying to make Tom Cruise Ancient Action Star a thing. He’s old enough to be my grandfather!

“I am so very old and so very tired.”

(Editor’s note: This is a lie. Tom Cruise is not old enough to be the blogger’s grandfather. The blogger is a dirty liar, and you kids had better get off her lawn.)

So the Tom Cruise Mummy looks like it’s basically a lady Mummy because take that, sexism, apparently! And Really Old Tom Cruise running around with Girl Young Enough To REALLY Be His Granddaughter who is probably the love interest because that’s just how Hollywood rolls.

Take that, sexism?

So WHY BOTHER?

“Because sexy lady wrapped in bandages, duh.” — Hollywood

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No, really, I hate country music

June 10, 2017 at 9:01 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Lady: So, are you going to the Garth Brooks concert?

Me: No, I really hate country music.

Lady: But it’s Garth Brooks!

Me: Right. Garth Brooks, the country musician?

Hey, look, it’s not that he’s not good at what he does, it’s that what he does is the most annoying form of music.

 

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Google on haircuts

June 8, 2017 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So it’s been over a year since my terrible, bad, made-me-cry haircut and my hair is growing out and it looks really stupid.

So I googled “best short haircuts for wavy mixed-race hair.”

These haircuts …

… are neither …

.. short …

… nor wavy.

FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, GOOGLE.

Eh, maybe this’ll work.

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Hey, look, it’s a new post!

June 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Randomosity) (, , )

Hey, blog, hey!

Hey, Girl!

So you probably thought I’d given up on you, but I haven’t! I mean, I didn’t on purpose or anything. It’s just … the world’s been kind of shit lately, and I haven’t been able to be funny at all.

But last night that all changed.

Because I found my BEST SHOW EVER.

It is called Still Star-Crossed (Still Star-Crossed!!! What a name! I love you so much, show!), and it is about Romeo and Juliet, except after Romeo and Juliet are already dead, so I guess I could’ve just said “It’s about the Capulets and the Montagues,” but … Eh.

It’s my first Shondaland show! (That I liked.)

I missed the first episode apparently, which makes me sad, because I’m sure it was awesome, but the second episode was SO GOOD. There’s a prince who’s having an affair with Rosalind (Capulet, apparently, in this version), except Rosalind has to get married to pouty-face Benvolio (Montague, Romeo’s cousin), BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCE. You guys, the drama! The absolute drama.

And you know they’re going to BOTH fall for her and it will be AMAZING.

Then the prince’s sister has to go around stuffed into these godawful dresses, and I don’t think she even breathed once because no one’s waist is that tiny, and Rosalind keeps hanging around her being all, Thank God my costumes FIT, you know? (And all the dudes are in leather pants and they keep walking around bowlegged because leather pants are SO sweaty, amiright??)

OK, this image cuts off a little early, but imagine her waist is about as big around as her neck and you get the idea.

In the meantime, Juliet’s mother is freaking out that someone talked her into suicide, which — wow, Juliet’s mom must’ve read her some Shakespeare back in the day, and Juliet’s father is freaking out because he’s out of money, BUT NO ONE CAN KNOW. So he totally meets with this architect who’s supposed to build the chapel for Rosalind and Benvolio’s wedding, and he’s all, I’m gonna blame you if it doesn’t get built, and the architect is like, I’m not gonna take the fall, and the whole time they’re high up on this scaffolding, and so I say to my daughter: “Now he’s going to push that guy to his death and say: ‘You will take the fall,'” and then he did, and my daughter would’ve been impressed, but she was like, “Meh, I saw it coming too.”

Pictured here: Rosalind Capulet, relieved that she’s not standing on a precarious scaffolding with her eeeeeeevil uncle.

Anyway, the dialogue is SUPER ridiculous, like sometimes they’re trying to sound like Shakespearean, and other times they’re talking about screwing prostitutes, literally using the word “screw,” and everybody keeps gazing directly into the camera, and everybody looks like they just stepped off the set of a CW show and accidentally wandered over to ABC, and it is just glorious.

P.S. Thank you, costume designer, for making everybody look as miserable as possible. It is so great!

So I can’t wait to watch it again next week!

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If you hate reading…

April 26, 2017 at 3:56 pm (Randomosity)

Then you’re probably not reading this post. Crap, did this misfire.

Anyway! If you don’t want to read any of my short stories, but are curious about them, here’s a podcast featuring several of my weirder pieces.

And it’s hosted by an adorable teddy bear, so everything is wonderful!

 

 

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Good ninja, bad name

April 26, 2017 at 10:57 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

This weekend, I got a new ninja plushie!

I don’t have a problem! This is not my bedroom!

“What’s his name?” my daughter said, even though I never name my plushies because I am an adult person and an adult person would never do anything silly like name a plush.

“Uhhh … Shinobu,” I said, suddenly unable to remember the name “Sarutobi Sasuke,” which is what I wanted to say, because at least if I, as an adult person, am going to name an adorable ninja plushie, I want to name it after a cool ninja.

Anyway, now my daughter won’t let me change his name.

“He looks like a Shinobu,” she says.

… He kind of does.

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