Powerless is cute, I guess

February 3, 2017 at 12:36 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

My biggest problem with Powerless is that every time Vanessa Hudgens is on the screen (and she is the main character, so she is on the screen a lot), I get really angry because she is a national park-grafittiying jerk.

There's only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

There’s only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

Anyway, her character is the perky, always-look-on-the-bright-side kind of person that just rubs me the wrong way.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

But the show itself is funny, and I like the other characters, because they are mean and broken like me, and also they hate Vanessa Hudgens, because how can you not?

"UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?" "I KNOW, RIGHT?"

“UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?”

The pilot episode establishes that the characters work for Bruce Wayne, inventing things to protect the powerless from supervillains (and also the fallout from superheroes, as evidenced by one character saying the number one cause of workplace injury is Superman crashing through windows), and they’re not doing great, and everyone gets fired, but then Vanessa Hudgens comes up with a brainstorm, which is silly, because she is NOT an idea man, and then all their jobs are saved. And then Batman uses a similar invention to fight a bad guy, and the characters and my daughter are all like: “Wow, what a coincidence,” and I shook my head in shame because I have told my daughter Batman’s secret identity so many times I probably qualify as a supervillain by now.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

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Cognitive dissonance time!

January 31, 2017 at 10:45 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

In the local paper this weekend, there was an advertisement placed by a “church” celebrating Trump’s election and reading, in part, “We are very thankful and rejoice that the Obama nightmare is no more.”

"Thank heavens our long, nationwide nightmare of equality and prosperity is finally at an end!"

“Thank heavens our long, nationwide nightmare of equality and prosperity is finally at an end!”

By the way, if you’re interested, you can purchase the minister’s book on demons.

Yup, pretty sure he means literal demons, because DON'T GO TO THIS CHURCH THE MINISTER IS INSANE!

Yup, pretty sure he means literal demons, because DON’T GO TO THIS CHURCH THE MINISTER IS INSANE!

And in today’s paper, there was a letter to the editor from a woman identifying herself as a “proud” member of the “basket of deplorables” who is horrified at the hatred in the hearts of the people marching for human rights.

Says the woman who supports a man who has aligned himself with white supremacists and LITERAL NAZIS.

Says the woman who supports a man who has aligned himself with white supremacists and LITERAL NAZIS.

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Why do I like The Good Place so much?

January 20, 2017 at 10:34 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

The Good Place is this new show starring Veronica Mars…

"I do have an actual name, you know."

“I do have an actual name, you know.”

… Sam from Cheers…

"I also actually have a name."

“I also actually have a name.”

…this actor I’m not familiar with playing Chidi…

"Seriously, maybe try learning people's actual names?"

“Seriously, maybe try learning people’s actual names?”

…this tall drink of water playing Tahani…

"For God's sake, woman, it's Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!"

“For God’s sake, woman, it’s Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!”

… the hilarious living app Janet…

"You need an app for PEOPLE'S NAMES."

“You need an app for PEOPLE’S NAMES.”

… and Manny Jacinto.

"Why is this literally the only name you can remember?"

“Why is this literally the only name you can remember?”

Anyway, it’s about heaven and how Veronica Mars doesn’t belong there, and it just ended its first (only????) season with an awesome twist that my daughter informs me I totally called back in the fall when we first started watching it.

So, just so you know, even if I can't remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

So, just so you know, even if I can’t remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

You should watch it.

Actually, you should’ve watched it when it was airing, because it might not be back for a second season, and that would be sad, because it’s really funny.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it's not cancelled.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it’s not canceled.

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Let’s do the time loop again

January 17, 2017 at 11:51 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So I just had an immense feeling of déjà vu, which means, of course, that I am trapped in a time loop.

... And I'm taking you all with me.

… And I’m taking you all with me.

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Speaking of TV I don’t enjoy

January 2, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Randomosity) ()

… Here’s a list of television shows I’ve been watching lately that are kind of awful.

The Great American Baking Competition. My mother and my daughter love this show about people baking stuff and then we don’t get to eat it.

And nobody even says "I'm not here to make friends," and they're all just so nice.

And nobody even says “I’m not here to make friends,” and they’re all just so nice.

Ransom. I watched what was clearly the first episode of this paint-by-numbers procedural last night because I think I’m suicidal or something, seriously, why didn’t I do anything else? And at the end, it was all like: “New episodes! Saturday evening, where TV shows go to die!” So clearly CBS thinks as highly of it as I did.

This show couldn't be more mediocre if it tried.

This show couldn’t be more mediocre if it tried.

Some procedural on ABC that has Iceman or his twin brother in it, and I can’t even bother to remember the name of it. It’s some show about how they try to save people from execution, I think? And they were trying to get this girl who murdered her rapist out of prison? And then it turned out she wasn’t the real murderer? And I was like, “Um, it’s obviously the rape counselor?” And 20 minutes later, the characters were like, “Oh, it’s obviously the rape counselor?”

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can't remember and don't care about the name of this show.

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can’t remember and don’t care about the name of this show.

To Tell the Truth. This actually had a Soul Train dancer and a Solid Gold dancer show up, so, by default, it is the best thing I have watched on television lately.

... I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

… I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

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Abominable is a good word, though

January 2, 2017 at 5:02 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones here.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones here.

I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.

No, I'm sorry, guys. I'll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

No, I’m sorry, guys. I’ll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.

"Seriously, you are an awful detective."

“Seriously, you are an awful detective.”

Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.

"Soooo ... can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?" "Let's just say it was all in Holmes's mind and call it a day, shall we?" "Let's do."

“Soooo … can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?”
“Let’s just say it was all in Holmes’s mind and call it a day, shall we?”
“Let’s do.”

Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE."

“WHEEEEEEEEEE.”

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Goddamn this year

December 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?

CARRIE FISHER?

Princess Leia?

Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.

I salute you, General Leia.

I salute you, General Leia.

 

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Stuff that bugs my mom right now

December 22, 2016 at 2:21 pm (Randomosity) ()

My mom gets really irritated when I describe a white person as being white, so I like to do it every chance I get.

"You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he's white? A white famous actor?"

“You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he’s white? A white famous actor?”

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Steel, Men of

December 14, 2016 at 10:07 am (Randomosity) ()

Because I am actually a 12-year-old boy, when I saw the sign on my drive home last night advertising “Steel Erection,” I immediately thought of Superman.

Because, he's, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

Because, he’s, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

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I hate Audition: a book review

December 7, 2016 at 2:52 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

I don’t usually review books on this blog, because I’ve been mostly reading biographies of silent movie stars and Depression-era criminals, so why would you guys care, right?

I still find Alvin Karpis very interesting, and would love for someone to do a good biography on him.

I still find Alvin Karpis very interesting, and would love for someone to do a good biography on him.

But I decided to delve into Japanese literature, except, you know, translations, because the only word I can read in Japanese is “bizu,” which means bead, and looks like a guy sitting down throwing a ball to a guy running with his arms behind him.

I mean, you guys see it too, right?

I mean, you guys see it too, right?

So I read Audition by Ryu Murakami. It’s a short book, around 127 pages or so, which means it’s not like I wasted more than a couple hours of my time (I read really fast, and by the end, I was skimming because I was like UGH WHEN IS THE NARRATOR GOING TO GET MURDERED ALREADY).

The crazy murder chick didn't even show up until about a third of the way through, and I was hoping at least he'd get hit by a bus by then.

The crazy murder chick didn’t even show up until about a third of the way through, and I was hoping at least he’d get hit by a bus by then.

But I still wasted my time.

The gist of the story is that this jerk-ass piece of crap Aoyama has been widowed for seven years. He cheated on his wife, but she was a real classy lady, so she didn’t mind. Then she died, but, being a real classy lady, she died quickly and without complaint. So obviously she was A CARDBOARD CUTOUT AND NOT A REAL PERSON AT ALL. Like, Jesus, Murakami-san, I get that she’s not all that relevant to the plot, but she was so obviously fake.

Anyway, this cheating asshole Aoyama has this wonderful teenage son (whom he never spent time with before his wife’s death, but then he does, and they totally bond and whatever) who says: “Hey, dad, why don’t you get married again?”

This section felt a little text-heavy, so here's a picture of the version I read.

This section felt a little text-heavy, so here’s a picture of the version I read.

So then Aoyama and this friend of his decide to fake a movie and hold auditions for the role of the main character, who coincidentally has all the traits Aoyama would want in a wife (those traits being 1) classically trained in some art or another; 2) being cool with his cheating; 3) dying without complaint).

So he finds this chick whose name I’ve already forgotten, and Aoyama falls head over heels for her because she is 1) like, 20 years younger than him; 2) the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen; 3) seems to match all his criteria for spousedom.

So they start dating, and everybody’s like, “I don’t know, there’s something odd about this chick,” even though she never does anything odd, it’s just this vibe they pick up on, but Aoyama’s like, “whatever, guys, she’s HOT,” and then finally in the last couple of pages she stalks him and tries to cut off his feet.

BUT SHE DOESN’T KILL HIM. She kills the dog.

AND THE DOG WAS THE BEST ONE!

AND THE DOG WAS THE BEST ONE!

Then his damn son comes home and rescues him by stabbing her in the throat. And then the book is over.

I think we were supposed to be worried for Aoyama's well-being, but I was hoping he would die from blood loss because he was SUCH A JERK.

I think we were supposed to be worried for Aoyama’s well-being, but I was hoping he would die from blood loss because he was SUCH A JERK.

So I guess if you like a long, dull buildup to a jerk WHO DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO GET MURDERED and two-dimensional female characters and male characters being all, “Jeez, why aren’t there more beautiful, classy women for us sexist pigs to cheat on our long-suffering wives with?” then this is the book for you.

And also the movie. And also I think your taste is suspect.

And also the movie. And also I think your taste is suspect.

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