Not a remake of the Clara Bow flick

March 31, 2017 at 9:10 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So I guess they’re making an It movie?

But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?

So I guess nobody will actually be scared?

So I guess why are they bothering?

Yes, clowns are scary, but do you know what’s scarier than clowns? Tim Curry. Tim Curry is scarier than clowns.

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Why do I like Trial and Error?

March 29, 2017 at 2:07 pm (Randomosity) (, )

Two words, easily summed up: John Lithgow.

John Lithgow is great, you guys. I love John Lithgow. I love him so much he is actually one of the actors whose real name I can remember. He is really, just really SO GOOD.

Hi, John Lithgow! I think you’re great.

And Trial and Error is really very funny, with all of the other characters, like whatsisname the out-of-state lawyer and the feisty DA and the lady with face blindness and the dude who just wants a disembodied body part of his own. And they work out of a taxidermist’s office, just like there is literally a taxidermist right down the street from me. There is, like, nothing funnier than taxidermy. Especially when you take little rodents and have them reading a book. It’s really cute and also funny.

Okay … it’s funnier when they’re in a little rocking chair.

Oooh, and speaking of funny, I actually laughed out loud at the scene in the pilot, where John Lithgow hands his dog to the reporter lady as he’s being taken off to jail for murdering his wife (the fourth leading cause of death in his hometown is listed as “Larry Henderson,” which is John Lithgow’s character’s name, which is funnier than I just made it sound), and then it turns out he forgot to let go of the leash and the world’s second fakest dog is yanked away by the police car.

… It looks pretty fake here, too.

(The world’s fakest dog is in this here video. It’s funny, too!)

Anyway, Trial and Error is far superior to Powerless, plus it doesn’t even have that National Park-desecrating Vanessa Hudgins in it, so even if the writing wasn’t snappier and the acting wasn’t stronger, it would be better by default, so you should watch it.

I KNOW I SUCK AT REVIEWS. IT’S JUST FUNNY, OKAY?

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No, it’s perfectly rational

March 24, 2017 at 10:03 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.

He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!

I waited for more.

But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.

Seriously, guy, you SUCK.

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A love letter to Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe)

March 9, 2017 at 4:48 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe),

When I first watched Fringe, my crush was on Peter Bishop (and also I love Walter). Now that I’m older (holy crap, you guys, Fringe has been off the air for FOUR YEARS HOW AM I SO OLD YET LOOK SO GOOD?), my affections have turned to you.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with our universe’s Agent Broyles, who is awesome and never commits treason and wears great suits.

This is a guy you could definitely take to the symphony.

But you, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe): You wear those tight little black shirts and I say to my daughter I think he has to hold his arms like that because of his muscles, oh my god, can I please go to the other universe?

And then just kind of, I don’t know, STARE at you?

(My daughter still likes Peter best, though, which is understandable. Reasonable, even.)

VERY reasonable.

You, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe), are a devoted father, willing to sacrifice almost anything (not two universes, thank goodness) for your adorable son.

I love you, and I think we should get married.

You know, once you’re out of prison for all the treason you committed for your adorable son.

And, just ’cause, here’s a photo of Lance Reddick kicking it casual style.

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I’ve got some friends with books

March 9, 2017 at 4:32 pm (Randomosity) (, )

So, you guys! You guys! I’ve got some very talented writer friends. There’s the lovely BrikHaus and the equally lovely Michael Ampersant. And they’ve both published books, and they’re super good and you should read them!

Here’s a picture of a book, because this post was a little text-heavy at the top.

… Here’s the caveat, though. They’re both genre books, so if you’re not into literary erotica or dystopian satire, then maybe don’t read them. But maybe recommend them to your friends who are into those kinds of books, because they are really good. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I love these guys.

Or I am, because I love them because they’re both funny, talented writers.

Another caveat: These are both self-published books, but here’s the thing — they were self-published by writers who actually know a bit about editing. (I’m looking at you, sloppily-written Barker Gang book I regret purchasing.) They’re both, if you spring for the paperback rather than the Kindle version, nicely made, professional books. (I’m really enjoying using the word caveat today.)

SERIOUSLY YOU NEED AN EDITOR, W.D. SMITH.

Anyway, here’s a rundown of what to love about these books.

Green Eyes, which I’m linking to again, is a witty love story/crime story/plenty of sex of, like, all kinds story/just a lot of fun story. It’s written in a literary style with a slightly unreliable narrator.

Although the cover has more male nipple than you usually see on this blog….

Safety Nation, which again I’m linking to again (yes I know that made no sense), is set in a horrific future where the government actually cares about our health and safety, but, being the government, they take it too far. As usual.

… And here’s less male nipple than you were probably hoping for.

Anyway, you should give these books a try, even though I am a terrible reviewer, because they’re good books by good folks. And I hear there’s sequels in the works, so (insert smiley face here).

Smiley face inserted.

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Turkeys, dead cats, whatever

March 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So “Turkeys circling a dead cat” doesn’t sound like a viral video. It’s sounds more like an extended cut by some godawful jam band.

"Man, I love 'Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'" "I don't know, man, I prefer the remix: 'Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'"

“Man, I love ‘Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'”
“I don’t know, man, I prefer the remix: ‘Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'”

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Time Loops: A horror story

March 3, 2017 at 10:59 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”

She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

But the whole time loop thing, man, that freaks me out.

Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …

... and loop and loop and loop....

… and loop and loop and loop…

… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.

As long as I've got my Hennessey's, I can make it through any old time loop!

As long as I’ve got my Hennessey’s, I can make it through any old time loop!

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Let me correct this headline for you

March 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

The headline in the newspaper read: “Protestors support suspended host,” but this is more accurate: “Racist not wrong to say racist things, other racists say.”

"Look, it's just that every single member of that other race is bad."

“Look, it’s just that every single member of that other race is bad.”

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The Lego Batman Movie is a study in cute

February 23, 2017 at 12:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

This weekend, my daughter and I saw The Lego Batman Movie. This was to make up for that time I promised her we would go see The Lego Movie, but secretly I didn’t want to, and then we never saw it. She likes to remind me of that from time to time, and also that lying is wrong.

"And that is why I've decided to apply for emancipation."

“And that is why I’ve decided to apply for emancipation.”

Anyway, I don’t know how The Lego Movie is, but The Lego Batman Movie is very cute. Their little Lego bodies are cute. Their little Lego faces are cute. The references to various movie villains is super-cute, because AWWWWW THEIR SAURON IS MADE OF LEGOS IT IS SO CUTE.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

I’ve heard people describe The Lego Batman Movie as the best Batman movie ever, because those silly guys clearly aren’t familiar with this work of staggering genius, and also my personal fave from the late ’80s.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

I mean, it’s got a pretty potent storyline (Lego Batman is afraid of losing people, probably because he has lost Legos in the carpet before and then stepped on them with his bare feet), but the best Batman movie ever?

It doesn’t even have Batdance!

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

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Proof that Hollywood hates me

February 23, 2017 at 10:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why Great Wall you guys?

A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don't get his appeal AT ALL.

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.

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