Turkeys, dead cats, whatever

March 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So “Turkeys circling a dead cat” doesn’t sound like a viral video. It’s sounds more like an extended cut by some godawful jam band.

"Man, I love 'Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'" "I don't know, man, I prefer the remix: 'Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'"

“Man, I love ‘Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'”
“I don’t know, man, I prefer the remix: ‘Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'”

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Time Loops: A horror story

March 3, 2017 at 10:59 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”

She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

Especially teenagers who moonlight as models, because, yuck, damn good-looking kids.

But the whole time loop thing, man, that freaks me out.

Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …

... and loop and loop and loop....

… and loop and loop and loop…

… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.

As long as I've got my Hennessey's, I can make it through any old time loop!

As long as I’ve got my Hennessey’s, I can make it through any old time loop!

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Let me correct this headline for you

March 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

The headline in the newspaper read: “Protestors support suspended host,” but this is more accurate: “Racist not wrong to say racist things, other racists say.”

"Look, it's just that every single member of that other race is bad."

“Look, it’s just that every single member of that other race is bad.”

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The Lego Batman Movie is a study in cute

February 23, 2017 at 12:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

This weekend, my daughter and I saw The Lego Batman Movie. This was to make up for that time I promised her we would go see The Lego Movie, but secretly I didn’t want to, and then we never saw it. She likes to remind me of that from time to time, and also that lying is wrong.

"And that is why I've decided to apply for emancipation."

“And that is why I’ve decided to apply for emancipation.”

Anyway, I don’t know how The Lego Movie is, but The Lego Batman Movie is very cute. Their little Lego bodies are cute. Their little Lego faces are cute. The references to various movie villains is super-cute, because AWWWWW THEIR SAURON IS MADE OF LEGOS IT IS SO CUTE.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

Insert unintelligible baby talk here.

I’ve heard people describe The Lego Batman Movie as the best Batman movie ever, because those silly guys clearly aren’t familiar with this work of staggering genius, and also my personal fave from the late ’80s.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.

I mean, it’s got a pretty potent storyline (Lego Batman is afraid of losing people, probably because he has lost Legos in the carpet before and then stepped on them with his bare feet), but the best Batman movie ever?

It doesn’t even have Batdance!

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.

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Proof that Hollywood hates me

February 23, 2017 at 10:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why Great Wall you guys?

A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don't get his appeal AT ALL.

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.

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Of course you are, Daines

February 14, 2017 at 11:24 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So, after silencing Senator Elizabeth Warren because apparently it’s really, really mean to read a letter from Martin Luther King Jr.’s wife that points out that a racist is indeed a racist, Montana Senator Steve “It’s Short For Steven, But Not That Short” Daines is appealing for campaign donations because he was brave enough to tell a lady to shut up.

I can only imagine the plea for donations goes something like this: “Donate to me, Steve Daines! I’ll keep those uppity women and black people in their places!!”

"Oooh, actually, that's better than what we had. We should hire this chick."

“Oooh, actually, that’s better than what we had. We should hire this chick.”

 

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The answer is obvious, I think

February 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I keep getting this spam in my work e-mail that says: “What did Trump have that Hillary didn’t?”

And I’m like: “Uh, duh, a penis?”

"She definitely didn't have a penis, it's true." -- This Guy

“She definitely didn’t have a penis, it’s true.” — This Guy

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Powerless is cute, I guess

February 3, 2017 at 12:36 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

My biggest problem with Powerless is that every time Vanessa Hudgens is on the screen (and she is the main character, so she is on the screen a lot), I get really angry because she is a national park-grafittiying jerk.

There's only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

There’s only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!

Anyway, her character is the perky, always-look-on-the-bright-side kind of person that just rubs me the wrong way.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.

But the show itself is funny, and I like the other characters, because they are mean and broken like me, and also they hate Vanessa Hudgens, because how can you not?

"UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?" "I KNOW, RIGHT?"

“UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?”

The pilot episode establishes that the characters work for Bruce Wayne, inventing things to protect the powerless from supervillains (and also the fallout from superheroes, as evidenced by one character saying the number one cause of workplace injury is Superman crashing through windows), and they’re not doing great, and everyone gets fired, but then Vanessa Hudgens comes up with a brainstorm, which is silly, because she is NOT an idea man, and then all their jobs are saved. And then Batman uses a similar invention to fight a bad guy, and the characters and my daughter are all like: “Wow, what a coincidence,” and I shook my head in shame because I have told my daughter Batman’s secret identity so many times I probably qualify as a supervillain by now.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.

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Cognitive dissonance time!

January 31, 2017 at 10:45 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

In the local paper this weekend, there was an advertisement placed by a “church” celebrating Trump’s election and reading, in part, “We are very thankful and rejoice that the Obama nightmare is no more.”

"Thank heavens our long, nationwide nightmare of equality and prosperity is finally at an end!"

“Thank heavens our long, nationwide nightmare of equality and prosperity is finally at an end!”

By the way, if you’re interested, you can purchase the minister’s book on demons.

Yup, pretty sure he means literal demons, because DON'T GO TO THIS CHURCH THE MINISTER IS INSANE!

Yup, pretty sure he means literal demons, because DON’T GO TO THIS CHURCH THE MINISTER IS INSANE!

And in today’s paper, there was a letter to the editor from a woman identifying herself as a “proud” member of the “basket of deplorables” who is horrified at the hatred in the hearts of the people marching for human rights.

Says the woman who supports a man who has aligned himself with white supremacists and LITERAL NAZIS.

Says the woman who supports a man who has aligned himself with white supremacists and LITERAL NAZIS.

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Why do I like The Good Place so much?

January 20, 2017 at 10:34 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

The Good Place is this new show starring Veronica Mars…

"I do have an actual name, you know."

“I do have an actual name, you know.”

… Sam from Cheers…

"I also actually have a name."

“I also actually have a name.”

…this actor I’m not familiar with playing Chidi…

"Seriously, maybe try learning people's actual names?"

“Seriously, maybe try learning people’s actual names?”

…this tall drink of water playing Tahani…

"For God's sake, woman, it's Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!"

“For God’s sake, woman, it’s Jameela Jamil. Jameela Jamil!”

… the hilarious living app Janet…

"You need an app for PEOPLE'S NAMES."

“You need an app for PEOPLE’S NAMES.”

… and Manny Jacinto.

"Why is this literally the only name you can remember?"

“Why is this literally the only name you can remember?”

Anyway, it’s about heaven and how Veronica Mars doesn’t belong there, and it just ended its first (only????) season with an awesome twist that my daughter informs me I totally called back in the fall when we first started watching it.

So, just so you know, even if I can't remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

So, just so you know, even if I can’t remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

You should watch it.

Actually, you should’ve watched it when it was airing, because it might not be back for a second season, and that would be sad, because it’s really funny.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it's not cancelled.

Yup. Funny show. I hope it’s not canceled.

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