Extant is pretty all right, yeah?

July 17, 2014 at 11:06 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Seriously, the longer I continue this blog, the harder it is to write good post titles, I swear.

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Anyway, I missed the pilot of Extant, which would have told me that Halle Berry is an astronaut and managed to get pregnant on a solo mission to outer space. Also, I will assume that you’re all bright enough to know that Extant means “to exist.”

Ha, I’m just kidding. Obviously, I didn’t assume that, since I went and defined it, like, immediately.

So, episode 2 of Extant was “Extinct,” because CBS hates when I don’t mix up words all the time. Halle Berry plays an astronaut who got pregnant on a solo mission in outer space (see, I phrased it a bit differently this time, like when a news article says the bullets missed them by only inches and then two paragraphs later says they were missed by the bullets by mere inches, local newspaper). Also, Halle Berry looks AMAZING, like, girlfriend is pushing 50, but looks more like early 30s.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

She’s married to Goran Visnjic, whose name I can pronounce but not spell —

"Well, I find THAT hard to believe." -- Ian McKellan McKellen

“Well, I find THAT hard to believe.” — Ian McKellan McKellen

— and they have a creepy android son, who I assume was actually built for the part, because that little boy is absolutely terrifyingly android-y.

"Bleep Bloop Blorp."

“Bleep Bloop Blorp.”

Also, Camryn Manheim is in it, which is nice, and so is that guy who always plays a corrupt official and also the revenge sensei from Revenge.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

Then there’s another astronaut who went into space and didn’t come back pregnant, because he’s a guy, and this show isn’t that science fiction-y, but there’s a truly creepy bit where he’s being followed around on the spaceship or space station or the Good Ship Bebop or whatever by his dead mother. She doesn’t do anything except say “Mother? No,” in this utterly affectless voice, and reach out to try to touch him, and it’s really quite terrifying.

But then he airlocks her like she’s yesterday’s Cylon model, so it’s okay.

"I'd have done it sooner, but he shows promise." -- President Roslin

“I’d have done it sooner, but he shows promise.” — President Roslin

Oh, also, he apparently faked his death and is possibly crazy now.

Except the corrupt official and the revenge sensei meet regarding the two astronauts and have a very cryptic meeting wherein the corrupt official says, “They’re coming,” and revenge sensei replies: “They’re already here.”


But seriously, folks, Extant had me intrigued almost the whole time, and was hardly ever ridiculously bad or boringly bad, and honestly, I’m not sure I couldn’t watch a show where Goran Visnjic is just so smiley and cute, dammit.

"You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you." -- Goran  Visnijc

“You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you.” — Goran Visnjic


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Why am I ambivalent about Almost Human?

November 19, 2013 at 4:35 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

A lot of the reviews I’ve seen for Fox’s new sci-fi show Almost Human have headlines like “Almost Human is almost good.” And, as much as that seems like lazy headline writing, it’s actually … kinda true.

"But not the best tagline."

“But not the best tagline.”

Now, I missed the two-hour premiere on Sunday because 1) I kept forgetting this was a new show, and thought it was Fox airing reruns of BEING Human (The Syfy version, not the BBC version, I assumed), and thus kind of forgot about it; and 2) have a family member who is addicted to The Amazing Race, so I couldn’t have gotten near the TV anyway.

But, like Sleepy Hollow before it, I did manage to watch the second episode. Unlike Sleepy Hollow (which I keep hearing is awesome and great and not anything like what I thought of it), I watched the entire episode, so I can tell you all about the second episode of ALMOST Human, which isn’t the same as BEING Human at all.

See, it's about roommates who are supernatural beings, and there's not a single android among 'em!

See, it’s about roommates who are supernatural beings, and there’s not a single android among ’em!

First off: Almost Human is set a few decades in the future, where androids are a total thing because, in the future, no remembers the life lessons of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica (the life lessons are ANDROIDS WILL KILL US ALL, AND ARE HOT). Karl Urban, aka another guy from Evil Sherlock Holmes in Space: The Movie, stars as Detective Boring White Guy With a Fake Leg. Michael Ealy is His Partner, A ROBOT , and Lili Taylor is Their Captain With Bad Hair.

It doesn't look so bad here, though.

It doesn’t look so bad here, though.

Minka Kelly is also in it, but her character is completely unremarkable so far, and then there’s a crazy scientist guy that I don’t know the actor’s name, but is way more interesting than our lead, Bland White Detective.

"You're just calling me bland because I'm not physically your type, aren't you?"

“You’re just calling me bland because I’m not physically your type, aren’t you?”

Anyhow, from what I can gather from reviews of the first episode, Det. White Dude was betrayed by his girlfriend, couldn’t save his partner, lost his leg and for some reason blames this all on robots. But cops in the future are required to have robot partners, because the future is awesome, who doesn’t want to hang out with robots all the time?, so he teams up with Detective Robot With Feelings, Michael Ealy, and his pretty, pretty eyes.

"You're just saying that because I have such pretty eyes, aren't you?"

“You’re just saying that because I have such pretty eyes, aren’t you?”

So, Episode No. 2: Features a plotline where human ladies are being used to provide skin for sexbots, because human skin feels better than whatever the heck they’ve been using instead. Deerhide, maybe? Anyway, this process is illegal, because 1) robots aren’t allowed to have human DNA; and 2) it kills the human ladies.


Clearly, skinless sexbots are the way to go.

Anyway, it’s actually kind of boring and I didn’t care whether any of the human ladies were going to live or die, but there was one particularly intense scene where Det. So White It Hurts is interviewing the beautiful sexbot while his partner looks on, asking her repeatedly: “Who owns you?” The reason this scene is so intense, and possibly it’s on purpose, is because there’s only one white person in the room, and he’s not a robot. So possibly some sort of commentary on race relations? I hesitate to proclaim that for certain, because the rest of the episode really is very overt about everything else, and this was a bit more subtle (read as: possibly accidental).

The award for best line of the night goes to: “Don’t scan my testicles,” which I guess is a reason not everybody wants to hang out with robots all the time, what with all their testicle-scanning. There’s also a fun sequence where Det. Awesome Robot shows some kids his glowing face circuitry (it shows up through his skin) and is one-upped by Det. White Guy, who stabs himself in the fake leg and sends the kids running off, screaming.

So, yeah: Almost Human is almost good, like everybody says. But remember: Fringe started slow too. So there’s hope. There’s hope.

Although I guess Fringe did suffer from a marked lack of androids.

Although I guess Fringe did suffer from a marked lack of androids.

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I had always assumed he was an android, or from the future

January 4, 2011 at 11:49 am (Randomosity) (, )

Or an android from the future.

So I’m late jumping on the “Mourning Pete Postlethwaite” train, but, guys, I had to work! Admittedly, not very hard, but solitaire wasn’t going to play itself, was it? WAS IT?

I submit that no. No, it was not.

Anyway, I’ll always remember Mssr. Postlethwaite for his role in Usual Suspects, and also his many roles in movies that I never saw, but saw him in the trailers and went, “Oooooh, Pete Postlethwaite! I love that guy!” Also for his role in Romeo + Juliet, which I have lately felt nostalgia for.

He is so damned cute in this jaunty cap, I just love him!

Since he hadn’t aged in, like, 40 years, I just assumed he was some sort of perfected robotic acting machine or possibly a time traveler. It never occurred to me that he was a real person who had cancer.

OK, maybe he aged a little.

So, Pete Postlethwaite, I will never be able to pronounce your name correctly, but that doesn’t matter, because you were one of the greats. You will be missed.

I usually say the opposite about most people: The world is worse off for not having you in it.

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A love letter to Father Tres Iqus

December 17, 2010 at 3:14 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Dear Father Tres,

I don’t want the fact that you’re a (gunslinging android) priest to be a barrier to our love. In fact, part of the reason I love you is because you’re a priest! The other part of the reason is the gunslinging android thing, because who doesn’t love a gunslinging android? (Other than my mom, who always rolls her eyes and mutters something about “where did I go wrong?” and “at least I have your brother” when I talk about androids, gunslinging or no.)

C'mon, Mom, how can you not love an android with snazzy hair like that?

In fact, Father Tres, if I had to sit down and come up with my favorite thing about you, it would be the gunslinging. With the “android priest” part coming in a close second.

Yeah. Definitely the gunslinging.

And let’s not let the androidness of yourself get in the way of our love! I mean, things worked out for Helo and Athena, right?

Gods, they are so pretty.

I mean, sure, you’re 600 pounds of pure killing machine, but that’s all right. I love you for it! I love the way you’re shooting things and speaking all robotically. That’s so hot, Father Tres.

You are the only reason I keep reading the Trinity Blood series, Father Tres.

And I’m sure you’re wondering right now what I would bring to our relationship, and I am telling you: absolutely nothing. Do you know why, Father Tres? It’s because you’re an android, and thus can be programmed to love me despite (or perhaps even because of!) my foibles. I like the word foibles, and with the help of a wrench, soon you will too, Father Tres!

So ditch that damn Abel Nightroad and give this some consideration. Like, .7 seconds worth.

If he spent more time shooting things and less time being all wishy-washy, I'm sure I'd like him better.


And if you're not available, could you get me this guy's number?

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Things I can’t compete with

April 6, 2010 at 11:15 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”

She had a point.

Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:

1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.

But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!

2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.

Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.

3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.

Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.

4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.

Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.

5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.

For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.

6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.

Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.

7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.

I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!

8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.

9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.

Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.

10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.

Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.

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Helo vs. Scarlet Witch

March 15, 2010 at 5:23 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

What do Karl “Helo” Agathon and Wanda “Scarlet Witch” Maximoff have in common?

Why, more things than you would think, that’s what.

Helo should wear short sleeves always, never mind the weather.

Does that chafe, Wanda? That seems like it would chafe.

For a little background, Helo is from the reimagined (and awesome!) Battlestar Galactica. The Scarlet Witch is a mutant from X-Men. Additionally, the new Battlestar Galactica is much better than the original. Also, Helo flies some sort of space vehicle. Whee!

Let’s get to battlin’, folks!

Physicality. The Scarlet Witch, according to her Marvel wiki, is an auburn-haired, blue-eyed beauty. OK, they don’t actually use the word “beauty,” but have you ever seen a Marvel artist draw an ugly mutant (when Grant Morrison’s not doing the writing)? Helo, on the other hand, is one of the most attractive men to ever grace the television screen. His arms are all wow, and his face is like oooooh and the rest of him is also very excellent. Winner? Karl “So hot you made Lokifire forget how adjectives work” Agathon.

Heh. Heh heh heh heh heh. Heh. Sighhhhh.

Fell in love with and married an android? Well, that’s an oddly specific question. What’s the likelihood that one, let alone both these characters would have — What’s that you say? They both married androids? Both of them? Really?

That’s right, folks. Helo married Sharon “not the Boomer one” Valerii, who then became Sharon “Athena” Agathon, which is less confusing than calling her “not the Boomer one.” But still confusing, even though Grace Park did a great job giving all the various Sharons different personalities/mannerisms. Against all odds, their love prevailed. It was beautiful.

Also? They are beautiful.

The Scarlet Witch, on the other hand, married an android who didn’t even bother to try to look particularly human, the Vision. He’s all metal-ly and … stuff. Ew.

At least Father Tres looks human, dammit.

Winner? It’s a resounding tie. (I’m not sure a tie can actually be resounding, but let’s just go with it, ‘kay?)

Went on to have babies with said android? Now this seems even more impossible and … wait, what? They both had offspring somehow? What, was it like magic or something?

Oh, well, yes, in the Scarlet Witch’s case, it was magic. She magically had magical babies through her magical android lovin’.

Actually, in Helo’s case, it was probably a bit magical too, because the writers never really could supply us with a good reason why some Cylon/human pairings resulted in babies and others didn’t other than “the power of love,” which is ridiculous, so magic it is.

The winner? You’d think this would be another tie, but it’s not, because once someone was like, “Hey, Scarlet Witch, isn’t it kind of impossible to have babies with an android?”, said babies ceased to exist (or something), whereas if anyone would have said that to Helo, he’d have been all, “yeah, well look at Hera here.” And then punched them for insulting his wife. Helo wins.

And we win, 'cause here's another picture of Helo and Athena!

Can alter reality? Hey, you know who can alter reality? The Scarlet Witch can alter reality. She altered reality so hard she thought she had little android babies, which is totally impossible.  Also, she uses that power to screw with her enemies, which is totally awesome and something I would also do to my enemies. Winner? The Scarlet Witch.

Has a cooler code name? Helo’s code name is Helo. Wikipedia tells me Helo can refer to helicopters (although mostly it refers to Karl “Helo” Agathon), which is cool. The Scarlet Witch’s code name is Scarlet Witch. Which totally describes the thing that she is. Winner? The Scarlet Witch. I’m not so sure about that whole helicopter thing.

Has better taste in androids? I don’t think anyone reading this blog, or anywhere in the world for that matter, would turn down a night of passion with Grace Park. Have you seen her? She’s gorgeous.

You can google her Maxim photos. This is a family-friendly blog! (It's really not.)

On the other hand, have you seen Vision? He’s not pretty at all.

Unless you like your men like you like your cars: made of metal and primary colors.

Winner? Helo.

Fathered the dawn of modern humanity? Wanda Maximoff’s dad Magneto is always going on about how Homo Superior is the future of mankind, but so far, they just seem to squabble amongst themselves and fight crime or commit crimes, so, I’m not sure I take his word on that. On the other hand, Helo and Athena’s daughter Hera was apparently mitochondrial Eve, because, sure, why not, Battlestar Galactica? Also, I probably gave away the winner of this category with the whole “fathered” thing, huh. Winner? Karl “Father of modern humanity is too long a nickname” Agathon.

I wish I was the actress playing Helo's daughter.

Flies some sort of space vehicle? Helo flies a raptor. That’s pretty sweet. The Scarlet Witch has probably been to space too, because that’s what all the mutants are doing nowadays. However, we can’t be certain she piloted a space vehicle to travel to space. Why can’t we be certain? Because her Marvel wiki was boring and we stopped reading, that’s why. Winner? Helo.

Although we can all admit that a raptor is no viper.

Overall winner? For the first time in the history of this blog, a Marvel character went up against a television character and came out on the losing end. That, truly, is the power of awesome. For Helo. Because he won. Helo.

Karl "Helo" Agathon never really smiled, but sometimes Tahmoh Penikett does.

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Olympic athletes who are PROBABLY not androids

February 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

But maybe they totally are, I don’t know.

1. Apolo Anton Ohno.

This is a really cool photo. I don't feel like saying anything snarky here. That is all.

Why he could be an android: Because is it really humanly possible to compete in short track speed skating at that many Olympics and not lose a finger here or there?

Why he’s actually not an android: Androids probably wouldn’t go Hollywood as quickly as Ohno did, unless they were designed to do that.

2. Johnny Weir.

Why he could be an android: Because only an android could make that many people care about figure skating.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because C3PO is the only flamboyantly gay robot in existence.

The infamous fox fur uniform! Hey, PETA, the fox was already dead, how could he NOT wear it?

3. Shaun White.

Why he could be an android: Because androids are awesome and snowboarding is also awesome? Seriously, the Flying Tomato (*snicker*) totally should have had his head taken off in an accident a few weeks back. Why didn’t he? Because he’s an android.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because no self-respecting android would let anyone nickname it the Flying Tomato (*snicker*), I don’t care how red its synthetic hair is.

That hair's not synthetic, though, which is probably for the best.

4. Evan Lysacek.

Why he could be an android: Like Father Tres before him, this guy has mastered the art of the piercing stare that makes you wee your little girly pants right before he shoots you/figure skates.

This is not Evan Lysacek.

But I can see how you would be confused.

Why he’s actually not an android: He probably just mastered that piercing stare because so many people were like, “Oh, figure skating, yeah, that’s gay.” Piercing stare. “Well, maybe it’s not that –” Piercing stare. “Christ, man, I’m sorry! Stop looking at me! I’m so sorry!”

5. Lindsey Vonn.

Mother Nature is her bitch. (I've decided I'm going to use "(something) is (blank)'s bitch" more often.)

Why she could be an android: Because, really, can the human body actually travel at those speeds without falling into little bloody pieces all over the course?

Why she’s actually not an android: As painful as a bruised shin can be (speaking from horrible car wreck experience), it wouldn’t stop an android. Of course, it hasn’t stopped Ms. Vonn here, either, so maybe she totally is an android. Awesome.

6. J.R. Celski.

Why he could be an android: Speaking of surviving painful injuries, this guy totally slashed his leg open with his own figure skate after a short-track speed skating pileup. He “recovered” (read as: “was repaired”) in time to win bronze at the Olympics.

Why he’s actually not an android: Well, I’ve watched the footage of that accident, and that was totally blood. A lot of blood. Holy cow blood! Damn you, NBC! Seriously, he’s just a really awesome human with a supra-nasty thigh scar.

And a bit of a baby face, awwwww.

7. Lindsay Jacobellis.

Why she could be an android: In addition to being an awesome athlete, this snowboarder has gorgeous hair. Snowboarders don’t have gorgeous hair. I mean, have you seen the Flying Tomato (*snicker*)?

Look at that hair! What kind of product does she use? It's beautiful!

Why she’s actually not an android: Because then we wouldn’t keep hearing the story about how she took the silver at the 2006 Olympics by making a very non-android move. (Showboating.)

8. Dale Begg-Smith.

Why he could be an android: I don’t know. He’s called the “International Man of Mystery” or something equally dramatic. It’s because he doesn’t like to talk to the press … probably because he’s an android.

Why he’s actually not an android: Or he doesn’t want to talk to the press because they are going to ask him about his business, which is spamming. And, thanks to Asmiov’s laws of robotics, we know that robots can’t harm humans in a manner that cruel. He’s totally human.

Incidentally, I've always imagined spammers looking like this, only fatter.

9. Rachael Flatt.

Why she could be an android: Jeez, she’s a 17-year-old high school student who’s on the honor roll, in the Olympics as the top qualifying U.S. female ice skater and wants to attend an Ivy League college to study biomechanical engineering or medicine. Oh, and she seems really, really nice. No human can do all that.

And just soooooo cute!

Why she’s actually not an android: If she was really an android, she would probably use all that android energy to commit acts of some sort of evil. (Yes, I’m ignoring Asmiov’s Laws here, even though I cited them earlier. I’m capricious like that!)

10. Anyone in curling.

Why they could be androids: Because, really, you would have to be programmed to want to compete in/watch this “sport.”

Why they’re actually not androids: No. They totally are.

If you're not using these to bash your opponent's tender bits, then I think you're doing it wrong.

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Are you dating a vampire? A modern teen’s guide.

December 22, 2009 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.

Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.

1. Does he watch you while you sleep?

... or is he watching THE CAMERA?

Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.

Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.

Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.

Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.

2. Does he hate sunlight?

Also, if he looks like this and he hates sunlight, yeah, you're dating a vampire.

Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.

Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.

Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)

Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.

Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!

3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?

Smells like ... (insert witty joke here).

Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.

Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.

Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.

Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?

GAAAAAHHH! The swirls! They burn! They BURN!!

Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.

Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.

Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.

As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!

5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?

Of course, in Hollywood, EVERYONE looks alike. It's the law.

Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.

Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)

I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.

Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?

Actually, my lost love looked EXACTLY like you. How's that for a coincidence, huh? I mean, it's coincidental! Totally!

Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.

Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.

Plus, he'd shoot you soon as look at you.

7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?

Oh, for the love of --! It's spilling all over!

Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.

Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.

Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.

8. Has he bitten you?

OK, ewwww, your boyfriend is SO undead.

Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.

Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.

Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)

9. Did he go see Twilight with you?

You didn't think it might make him a LITTLE uncomfortable?

Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.

Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.

10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?

Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.

Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.

You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

Nah, that's just how I dump people.

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Things that could replace Keanu Reeves in his pre-existing roles

December 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

We already know that if there’s one thing Lokifire hates, it’s when Keanu Reeves gets cast in movies. (There’s not one thing Lokifire hates, though, and I think we’ve established that with the creation of a blog with the word “Hates” in the title.)

Here is a list of movies where Hollywood put Keanu Reeves into a role instead of an actual actor, and what could replace him in said role.

(I love to introduce lists with “Here is a list”!)

1. John Constantine in Constantine.

Who should’ve been cast: The guy from Memento.

Is it ironic if I can't remember his name?

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement? A brown trenchcoat. Unlike Reeves, a brown trenchcoat will at least remind viewers of John Constantine, the chain-smoking British demon killer who wears brown trenchcoats sometimes. Also, acting.

Yeah, Keanu Reeves is the first person who comes to mind when I think "Hellblazer."

2. Johnny Mnemonic in Johnny Mnemonic.

Who should’ve been cast: It doesn’t matter. This movie would’ve stunk to high heaven no matter what.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A calculator.

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but Reeves wears this exact expression on his face for the entirety of the film.

3. Kevin Lomax in The Devil’s Advocate.

Who should’ve been cast: Brad Pitt.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A bowl of tapioca, which would tremble appropriately in the presence of the Great Pacino.

Lumpy, yet with a hint of personality. Unlike Keanu Reeves.

4. Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Who should’ve been cast: Father Tres.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A copy of Trinity Blood, with a picture of Father Tres on the cover. At least Father Tres, an android, can display some dramatic range. Even in a drawing.

I like Father Tres. He'll shoot you good.

5. Alex Wyler in The Lake House.

Who should’ve been cast: Dylan McDermott.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A telephone, to make things easier for Sandra Bullock. Because she was phoning it in!!!! (I’m sorry, I know you got the joke immediately.)

Ha ha ha ha! Phoning! It in!

6. Jonathan Harker in Dracula.

Who should’ve been cast: Ethan Hawke.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A wooden spoon, with the end sharpened. The better to stake Gary Oldman’s Dracula with!

The wooden spoon's triumphant return!

7. Shane Falco in The Replacements.

Who should’ve been cast: Duane Johnson, if he was famous in 2000.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: Keanu Reeves, but in a mascot uniform, because it doesn’t make any difference if we can see his face or not, because he is as wooden as a wooden house that was made with wooden nails, and all the furniture is wood and the stove is made of wood and the people living there are also wood. So! Wooden!

A fun game is imagining that Keanu Reeves is inside this costume.

8. Detective Tom Ludlow in Street Kings.

Who should’ve been cast: John Cena.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: Olivia Wilde. She’s just as wooden as Keanu Reeves, but at least she’s spent some time working with Hugh Laurie on the set of House.

Plus, she's got a wider range of facial expressions: Pensive and slightly pensive.

9. David Allen Griffin in The Watcher.

Who should’ve been cast: That kid from Twilight, but only if he can time travel, because otherwise he would’ve been, like, 5.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested improvement: Mashed potatoes. They’re about as threatening as Reeves, except he is scarier when he shows interest in playing Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop. That terrifies me.

Bladness! It's what's for dinner. In Hollywood. Because Keanu Reeves = bland. Sigh.

10. Neo in the Matrix.

Who should’ve been cast: Takeshi Kaneshiro.

The best thing about having a blog is coming up with excuses to do an image search for Takeshi Kaneshiro.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A neopet. It’s already got the word “Neo” in its name.

Errrr, no. I changed my mind.

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Famous people who are PROBABLY not androids

November 23, 2009 at 3:19 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

I’ve always heard people say things like: “Why don’t they cast real people in movies?” or “That model’s not real!” or “Wow, I was surprised to meet (insert celebrity name here) and learn that (insert proper celebrity gender pronoun here) was a real person, just like me!”

And I’ve always thought, “Uh, yeah, they’re real people who just happen to be more attractive and talented than you. What, do you think Hollywood makes these people?”

But lately, I’ve thought, “Hey, what if Hollywood does make these people?”

So I’ve compiled a list of 10 celebrities who are probably not androids, but totally could be maybe.

1. Angelina Jolie.

It's the lips. I swear to God, those lips are unnatural.

Why she could be an android: Seriously, the woman looks like she was created in a lab. Full, pouting lips. Luxurious hair. Other womanly parts. All slightly off. Like the scientists were like, “here’s all the ingredients for sexy!”, put them together and were like, “errrrr….”

Why she’s actually not an android: Man, I don’t care how mad those scientists are, nobody’s going to make an android that makes out with its brother. That’s breaking all sorts of Asimov’s rules of robotics (or whatever).

2. Tom Cruise.

Why he could be an android: Seriously, do you think that Tom Cruise is a real, actual human? Really?

Why he’s actually not an android: If Hollywood could make movie stars, they wouldn’t make them shorter than their wives.

Sooooo much shorter than his wife.

3. Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell.

Why she could be an android: Because Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell, is the perfect nerd fantasy. She’s snarky but sweet. She’s beautiful but a bit of a geek. She has the voiceover prowess of a god! This girl was clearly made in the dungeon lab (read as: parents’ basement) of a supra-nerd.

And when I'm done with the modifications, she will cosplay with me!

Why she’s actually not an android: Yeah, right, do you think Mr. Supra-nerd would have let his creation out into the public once he was finished?

"Franky, honey, whatcha doin' down there?" "Nothing, Ma!"

4. Takeshi Kaneshiro.

Why he could be an android: He speaks four languages … fluently. He is an actor and a model. He does a great action scene and a pretty good romance scene. Obviously, these traits were programmed into him.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because only the hand of the Almighty could create something that beautiful. (Man’s prettier than a sunset, is what I’m saying.)

Dear God, thank you for giving us this man and also the idea to cream butter with sugar. Both are delicious.

5. Miley Cyrus.

Why she could be an android: You know that Disney’s got a tween-star production line, churning out that perfect combination of sexy milquetoast that the kids love and the parents feel a little bit wrong about.

Why she’s actually not an android: I’m not sure she’s not.

But not the cool kind of android. The DISNEY kind of android.

6. Zac Efron.

Why he could be an android: Another perfect example of the Disney production line, hard at work. The floppy (but not too floppy) hair! The blue (but not too blue) eyes! The pouty (but not too … OK, you get it, fine) lips! Etc.! Etc. to the nth degree!

Short but not too ... wait, never mind.

Why he’s actually not an android: If Disney had made this boy, they would have implanted a Disney loyalty chip, and if he tried to expand his acting horizons, he would destruct like a Mission Impossible message.

Android Zac Efron! Noooooo!

7. Kate Hudson.

Why she could be an android: Because if she wasn’t an android, wouldn’t she be funny in rom-coms, like her mom Goldie Hawn? “Funny” is genetic, right?

Why she’s actually not an android: Probably Hollywood would have programmed her to be funny in rom-coms.

Your mom is really funny. What the hell happened to you?

8. Robin Williams.

Why he could be an android: One of Hollywood’s early attempts at the perfect acting unit, he was programmed to start out edgy and gradually fall into a dark hole of suckitude.

Why he’s actually not an android: I think I’ve seen him bleed before. But that could’ve been oil.


9. Megan Fox.

Why she could be an android: Often called “the poor man’s Angelina Jolie,” Fox got her start “acting” with a bunch of giant robots. Unfortunately, that only emphasized how much she had in common with them.

Shown here: Megan Fox, displaying her "talents."

Why she’s actually not an android: Because if Michael Bay was going to make the perfect movie girl, he wouldn’t have made her be such an asshole.

10. Keanu Reeves.

Why he could be an android: The woodenness. The dead eyes. The gaping-mouthed stare. Nothing about this man says “human.”

I was really shocked to find this photo of Reeves, where he has what could be mistaken for "a different expression" on his face.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because he is just not cool enough to be an android, that’s why. Yes, my logic here is that I hate Keanu Reeves but I love androids, so clearly he is not an android. And you know what? My logic stands. Go to hell, non-android Keanu Reeves.

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