The Lego Batman Movie is a study in cute
This weekend, my daughter and I saw The Lego Batman Movie. This was to make up for that time I promised her we would go see The Lego Movie, but secretly I didn’t want to, and then we never saw it. She likes to remind me of that from time to time, and also that lying is wrong.
“And that is why I’ve decided to apply for emancipation.”
Anyway, I don’t know how The Lego Movie is, but The Lego Batman Movie is very cute. Their little Lego bodies are cute. Their little Lego faces are cute. The references to various movie villains is super-cute, because AWWWWW THEIR SAURON IS MADE OF LEGOS IT IS SO CUTE.
Insert unintelligible baby talk here.
I’ve heard people describe The Lego Batman Movie as the best Batman movie ever, because those silly guys clearly aren’t familiar with this work of staggering genius, and also my personal fave from the late ’80s.
At one point, I even owned the novelization, because that is how I roll.
I mean, it’s got a pretty potent storyline (Lego Batman is afraid of losing people, probably because he has lost Legos in the carpet before and then stepped on them with his bare feet), but the best Batman movie ever?
It doesn’t even have Batdance!
FACT: Everything is better when Prince is involved.
Powerless is cute, I guess
My biggest problem with Powerless is that every time Vanessa Hudgens is on the screen (and she is the main character, so she is on the screen a lot), I get really angry because she is a national park-grafittiying jerk.
There’s only one celebrity worse for national parks, so FIGHT THE POWER, rogue National Park twitter accounts!
Anyway, her character is the perky, always-look-on-the-bright-side kind of person that just rubs me the wrong way.
STOP SMILING I HATE SMILING.
But the show itself is funny, and I like the other characters, because they are mean and broken like me, and also they hate Vanessa Hudgens, because how can you not?
“UGH HOW IS SHE SO PERKY?”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?”
The pilot episode establishes that the characters work for Bruce Wayne, inventing things to protect the powerless from supervillains (and also the fallout from superheroes, as evidenced by one character saying the number one cause of workplace injury is Superman crashing through windows), and they’re not doing great, and everyone gets fired, but then Vanessa Hudgens comes up with a brainstorm, which is silly, because she is NOT an idea man, and then all their jobs are saved. And then Batman uses a similar invention to fight a bad guy, and the characters and my daughter are all like: “Wow, what a coincidence,” and I shook my head in shame because I have told my daughter Batman’s secret identity so many times I probably qualify as a supervillain by now.
We do plan to go see the Lego Batman movie, so hopefully by then I can stop explaining it to her.
R. Dorothy Wayneright vs. Robin
In one corner, we have the best lady android ever, R. Dorothy Wayneright. She is the sidekick of the Japanese Batman, who wears nice suits and pilots a giant robot, making him even more awesome than regular Batman.
You guys, giant robots are SO AWESOME.
In the other corner, we have Robin, who is the sidekick of regular Batman, who is actually pretty awesome, even if he doesn’t pilot a giant robot.
Despite this image, Batman is still awesome.
Who shall win? Let’s find out, why not.
Physicality. Robin is an athletic teenage boy or young man in his early 20s, depending on your source. I mean, sure, who doesn’t like athletic young men, amiright? R. Dorothy Wayneright is a robot designed to look like a young woman with a really cute pageboy. Winner? I’m a sucker for girls with cute pageboys. R. Dorothy Wayneright.
I wish my hair looked cute in a pageboy.
Is a fighting machine? Robin has been trained to be a fighting machine by Batman, the fightiest of all the fighting superheroes. On the other hand, R. Dorothy Wayneright is actually a machine. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.
Also: She’ll cut you. She’ll cut you good.
Lives in a post-apocalyptic world, or possibly a Matrix-esque simulation? Robin lives in, like, our world, except physics is insane there, which must be nice, because people can fly and whatever. R. Dorothy Wayneright lives in Paradigm City, where everybody lost their memories 40 years ago, after some sort of apocalyptic scenario, or else everything is just a Matrix-esque simulation and life is only a fleeting dream. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.
Sadly, nobody has superpowers. Happily, there are giant robots.
Has a better code name? Dick Grayson’s code name is Robin, which is a pretty, pretty bird. R. Dorothy Wayneright’s code name is R. Dorothy Wayneright, because awesome lady androids don’t need code names, that why. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.
You look into her cold dead eyes and tell her she needs a code name, why not.
This battle is seeming pretty lopsided. Yeah, I’m rewatching The Big O, and I remembered how much I love R. Dorothy Wayneright, and I never have liked Robin, but I haven’t had any good blog ideas lately, so I thought, hey! Why not?
I really enjoy noir-ish anime featuring giant robots, Japanese Batman and the best lady android ever.
So should we just call it then? Yes. Yes, we should.
Overall winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright, the best lady android ever!
I’m still sorry about that, Caprica Six.
Ugh, could Batman v Superman look any more boring?
The thing about the new Superman movie is it looks just DULL. Like SO BORING. Like I literally find myself nodding off during the 30-second TV spots because YAWN.
I mean, look! Batman’s even falling asleep in his own movie poster.
I don’t blame the actors for this (although both Affleck and Cavill come off a little wooden). I’m not sure I even blame Zack Snyder (although he really does beat a dead horse, stylistically). I kind of blame the studio (because Nolan’s Dark Knight movies were successful, so they’re like: “Dark! Darker! The Darkest!”). But mostly, I blame us. Because some of us went to see Man of Steel, even though it looked like poo and Superman was a big whiny baby, “boo-hoo, I am like a god to you people, it’s so HARD to fit in,” and he murdered civilians and Zod (but who cares if Zod isn’t Terence Stamp, you know?).
I love you, General Zod! I’d kneel before you any time you asked. Or commanded. Whichever.
I blame you people. You people, of whom there were enough who watched Man of Steel that they went ahead and made a sequel.
Why did so many of you watch a movie where Superman spends the whole time looking like he’s suffering a major gastrointestinal disorder?
I hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Nah, I’m kidding. If this does poorly, the studio’ll assume it’s ’cause Wonder Woman’s in it.
So You Want to be a Sidekick: A Modern Teen’s Guide
Lately, you’ve decided you want to fight crime and battle evil, but you know you haven’t got the chutzpah to manage solo. Luckily for you, there’s a whole, wonderful world of sidekickery to satisfy your vigilante needs!
So who should you team up with? Well, good news! I’ve made a list of heroes who tend to work in duos or would, at least, be amenable to that sort of thing.
1. Batman. The Dark Knight seems like the kind of guy who’d prefer working solo, so he can brood and stuff, but it turns out he doesn’t mind spending time with pubescent boys! The plus side is you’d get to work with Batman. The negative side is he’d want you to wear that outfit.
Yup, that’s the one.
2. Sherlock Holmes. Another loner type, it turns out Holmes is happiest when he has someone stupider than him hanging about so he can show off his marvelous intellect. Luckily for Holmes, everyone is stupider than him, so it’s not like he needs to slum. The plus side is now you’re John Watson! The negative side is if you’re not actually John Watson, you don’t really get to spend time with Sherlock Holmes.
If you are John Watson, I’m still looking for Sherlock Holmes’ autograph. Could you help me out?
3. Captain America. Captain America had Buddy, which, as a superhero sidekick name, is even worse than Robin. The plus side is Buddy totally turned evil, so Captain America is absolutely in the market for a new sidekick. The other, even better plus side is that Captain America looks like Chris Evans now. The negative side is there is no negative side. Run to him! Run to Captain America!
Run to Captain America and his glorious cheekbones!
4. Green Arrow. Green Arrow is like Robin Hood, but he wears even more green than a man trying to blend into a forest landscape. He’s worked with Speedy and, apparently, Speedy II, because why shouldn’t sidekicks have sequels, right? The negative side is you’d probably be stuck lugging all his arrows around. I can’t think of a plus side.
You’d probably have to take all these pictures of him too, because a brooding selfie is hard.
5. The Green Hornet. The Green Hornet is another guy who wears green to fight crime. I’m not sure why this is a thing. I don’t know much about him, except that Bruce Lee was really great. So, actually, I don’t know anything about the Green Hornet, except that Kato was his sidekick, and Kato was great. The plus side is you’d be the new Kato. The negative side is we live in a world without Bruce Lee.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just a harmless chauffeur.”
6. Superman. I know it seems like Superman works alone, because, seriously, who can keep up with a demigod who has all the superpowers? But you’re forgetting the plucky Jimmy Olsen, who is absolutely useless, but never gets laser-visioned by Supes! The plus side is you’d probably never be in danger because of your association with Superman, as you would be like a gnat compared to the monstrous villains he faces. The negative side is gnats get squished.
Man, people drawing comics back in the old days just didn’t try very hard, did they?
7. Archie. I’m just putting Archie here because I found Jughead on a list of sidekicks. They probably fight crime sometimes, I don’t know.
“Is ‘fighting crime’ what the kids are calling it nowadays?” — My Mom
8. Iron Man. Iron Man is a guy who wears, like, a robot to fight crime. As War Machine, you would also get to wear a robot, and you would have an even cooler name. The plus side is those things I just listed. The negative side is wearing a robot sounds heavy.
“Seriously, my back is killing me.”
9. The Flash. The Flash’s sidekick is Kid Flash, although I think maybe Kid Flash is the Flash now, and has a new Kid Flash? Also, doesn’t it seem like Speedy should be the Flash’s sidekick, and not Green Arrow’s? The plus side is you’d get to move at speeds that are fatal to most mortals. The negative side is you probably have to have some kind of mysterious accident, like getting struck by lightning while petting a cheetah, to gain that ability.
I guess I should say that thing about petting a cheetah wasn’t meant to be a euphemism.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman doesn’t need a sidekick. Wonder Woman works alone. Wonder Woman is an Amazon goddess, and she can kick ass all on her own, unlike the boys here. The plus side is that Wonder Woman seems nice, so she’d probably let you hang around and pretend like you’re sidekicking. The negative side is seriously, kid, she can handle this on her own, so why don’t you just step out of the way?
“Have you asked Superman if he’d like your help? He might like your help.”
Gotham is seriously too hard to watch
I’m so sorry, guys! I tried to watch Gotham, really I did, because I know you count on my opinions to help you make choices about your day-to-day entertainment needs.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na GOTHAM!
But the truth is: I couldn’t even make it to the credits. It was just that terrible. It was so terrible. It was really, really terrible.
So I’ll review the few minutes I watched of Gotham, because it’s either that or, ugh, work. Also, because I forgot Gotham was happening, this is a review of the first few minutes of the second episode, not the series premiere.
Gotham opened up with some very fake-looking buildings scrolling past, like the result of either the cheapest CGI ever, or a kid with some scissors, markers and cardboard. If these are actual buildings somewhere, that architect should be shot, because they just look so phony.
Then we’re in an alley and Catgirl is there. She’s Catgirl because she’s not a woman yet, that’s why.
… Or should I call her Kittenwoman?
Anyway, she’s homeless and doing your standard TV homeless routine, when all of a sudden a bus pulls up with, I think, Lili Taylor and that guy who’s in everything hopping out to offer sandwiches to the homeless kids. So of course Lili Taylor and that one guy stab the kids with needles filled with, I don’t know, date-rape drugs or something, except Catgirl because she didn’t want a sandwich, and this old dude, who gets killed by that one guy. Then one of the kids escapes, so that one guy chases him and ends up throwing him through the fakest window ever. All of this happens in front of tons of witnesses, because they are the worst criminals ever, I don’t care how corrupt the Gotham police department is.
Speaking of corrupt police, the next scene is Detective Bland White Guy Who’s An Honest Cop and his partner Donal Logue Who Is So Corrupt He Could Only Be Playing Harvey Bullock. (Side note: I couldn’t remember Harvey Bullock’s name at all, and I was tempted to go through my issues of Gotham Central to find out, but then I got distracted wondering why they didn’t just make Gotham Central into a TV series, because that would be awesome, so then I had to google it).
Never mind the Bullock, here’s Donal Logue!
… Why yes, I do have trouble sleeping at night from shame, why do you ask?
They show up at the crime scene with the dead old guy, and then they meet up with yet another corrupt cop, and Detective Blandy McBoringPants drops this line:
“You’re not a bad person, but you’re a bad cop.”
Like, ugh, seriously, who is writing this dialogue? Are their parents ashamed of them? I bet their parents are ashamed of them.
“We’ll always love you, but please stop telling people that you’re related to us.”
Then we head off to the precinct, where the kid who got thrown through the window is waiting for Detective Boring Guy and Donal Logue, and after some threats of violence and the kid proclaiming Gotham doesn’t care about homeless kids, I said, “Oh my god, this just keeps getting more terrible, I am turning off the TV until Brooklyn Nine Nine comes back on,” and then I did.
Brooklyn Nine Nine is quite funny, and you should all be watching it.
Gunter vs. The Penguin
One is a magical penguin from Adventure Time.
… who plays the keyboard!
The other is a guy who looks like a Penguin from the pages of your favorite Batman comics.
Your favorite Batman comics. My favorites are Grant Morrison titles.
Which one’s better? Eh, it’s obviously the magical penguin, because penguins are soooo cute, and magic is really great!
Photographic evidence: Penguins are soooo cute.
But let’s try for a semblance of fairness here.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gunter is a penguin. As previously mentioned, penguins are soooo cute. Cartoon penguins are also extremely cute. Gunter is a magical cartoon penguin, and he is soooo cute! The Penguin, on the other hand, isn’t a penguin at all, but a man who wears tuxedos and/or resembles a penguin. That’s not so cute. Winner? Gunter, the adorable magical cartoon penguin. So cute!
So many Gunters!
Eviler? The Penguin is a Batman villain and, as such, is evil. And who can blame him, really, after being born a grotesque freak who resembles a mad penguin — wouldn’t anyone turn their rage on a cruel and unloving God and a cruel and unloving world? Then again, Gunter the adorable magical penguin once met a soul-sucking demon who declared Gunter to be the most evil being he had ever come across. Look, folks, if a soul-sucking demon tells you you’re evil, you are so evil. Winner? Gunter.
Also, he steals jewels.
A more dapper dresser? The penguin wears tuxedos. That’s pretty dapper. Gunter usually goes around naked, as penguins do, but once he wore a skirt made of socks. It was really cute. Gunter is really cute.
So cute!
Winner? The Penguin.
Dapper!
Has a better arch-nemesis? As a resident of the magical land of Ooo, when Gunter acts up, he gets schooled by Finn the Human and Jake the Dog. I wouldn’t really call them his arch-nemeses, though. The Penguin, like all other Batman villains, has a pretty badass nemesis in Batman. Winner? The Penguin.
Is magical? Gunter the adorable magical penguin is magical! Glory be! Winner? Gunter.
Well, sometimes he’s magical.
Lives in a post-apocalyptic world? The magical land of Ooo was built upon the crumbling remains of an empire that spanned a continent, and was possibly America. You don’t get much more post-apocalyptic than that. Gunter lives in Ooo, and also the best children’s cartoon ever, you should totally watch it. The Penguin lives in Gotham City, which is maybe New York, maybe not, but definitely pre- to mid-apocalypse rather than post-. Winner? Gunter, the magical penguin, who is totally one of my favorites.
The fun part is counting the weapons of mass destruction in the opening credits sequence.
Has a cooler attack? Gunter likes pushing glass bottles onto the ground so they break, and also sometimes pecking at you with his hideous penguin beak.
Bad penguin! Bad!
The Penguin likes strapping bombs to penguins, or maybe stabbing you with his umbrella. Winner? The Penguin, I guess, even though murdering penguins is terrible, at least his attack is more terrifying than, you know, breaking glass bottles.
Overall winner? As predicted, Gunter, the adorable magical evil penguin wins it all! Hooray! Hooray for Gunter!
Also, Gunter is probably a lady penguin, because he laid an egg.
Huh, says society in general
So: Ben Affleck will be Batman in the new Man of Steel flick.
That’s … certainly a casting choice.
I guess I’m more shocked that there’s going to be a Man of Steel 2? And it has wings?
Let’s remake some movies
So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.
I think there might be something wrong with me.
Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:
1. Robocop
Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?
But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.
2. Terminator 2
The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.
Also, I’m afraid if I heard the words “Come with me if you want to live” in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice, I would probably just die.
Seriously, I have an illness.
3. Taken
I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.
They wouldn’t even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.
4. The Bourne movies
I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.
Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.
5.The Thing
Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.
Should I seek professional help?
6. Sherlock Holmes
Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.
7. Batman
Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.
Sherlock Holmes > Batman.
8. Versus
Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.
It’s the Mary Poppins of movies.
Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of “Chim-Chim-Chiree.”
9. The Matrix
Bullet-time Cumberbatch!
What time is it?
It’s BULLET Time!
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness
OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.
Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes’ Adventures in Space.
A love letter to Milligan (a character in the books I’m reading to my daughter)
Dear Milligan (a character in The Mysterious Benedict Society, the books I’m currently reading to my daughter),
OK, the truth is I got them for myself, but then she got all jealous.
“Mom, are you reading kids’ books? Why are you reading kids’ books without me? Why are you ignoring me? Stop shutting the door in my face. Mom!”
I love you.
Sure, part of it is because everybody else is so damned wholesome and sweet, because you live in a children’s book, but the other part of it is because you are the Batman of said children’s books. Actually, that’s the biggest part of it, because who doesn’t love Batman?
There are many wonderful things about you, from the way you wear disguises while kicking ass to the way you sometimes don’t wear disguises while kicking ass. Also, you seem to be pretty good with kids, which is awesome, because did I mention I’m reading your books to my daughter right now? Also, I’m pretty immature, so there’s that, too.
Oh, and here you are now, looking like a bad drawing of a hobo.
Which is funny, because in my imagination, you look a bit more like this.
Now, I know you’re pretty busy what with going off on your secret spy missions and protecting the group of children under your care and kicking serious ass, but I hope you’d be able to make the time for a candlelit dinner. Or, if not that, maybe we could bomb a warehouse together? I mean an evil warehouse, of course, because lately I’ve been trying to use my powers for good. Or at least mediocrity.
OK, fine, I’m using my powers to cyber-stalk Benedict Cumberbatch.
Anyway, I’m up for a secret mission or two if you are! We could kick so much ass together, or you could, and I could try to stay out of the way and not get hit by any flying debris or murder pencils or whatever.
Seriously, though, what’s up with the bad guys’ murder pencils?
I’ll be waiting to hear from you!
Hollywood Hates Me 