My mom gets really irritated when I describe a white person as being white, so I like to do it every chance I get.
It was just a few short years ago that I was totally excited about Dead Snow, the flick with Nazi zombies. Actually, maybe it was a bit longer than a few short years, because stuff that I swear happened, like, two weeks ago, turns out to have happened, actually, a decade ago, because time flies when you’re having aging, I guess.
And now we’ve got World War Z. Starring Brad Pitt, an actor I still don’t get why people think he’s hot.
Now, I’ve never read World War Z, so I can’t say that the movie looks terrible because it’s not like the book, but I can say that the movie looks terrible because GOOD LORD HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE TRAILERS? Like, “Yeah, let’s focus on Brad Pitt’s boring family, because that’s what people go to zombie movies to see, right? Families?”
Also, as much as I admire the usage of fast zombies (see: Days Later, 28), these zombies are pretty obviously CGI, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of a zombie movie, which is to show off your awesome makeup skillz and to parody whatever social injustice zombies were supposed to parody.
You know, back before they were HOLY CRAP ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE WHEN WILL IT END.
Lest you think that liking Revenge has made me soft and not as pre-judgmental as usual, rest assured that there are three terrible, horrible, no-good bad movies that I won’t be seeing this weekend.
1. A Dolphin’s Tale.
I’ve already said I don’t particularly find Brad Pitt attractive, but even if you cast Takeshi Kaneshiro in this thing, it wouldn’t be enough to make me want to watch a movie about baseball and … statistics, I think. Ugh.
I always thought that the real evil in Twilight lay in reading the “books.” (I put the word books in quotes there because do they really count?) But now I see that the real evil is in the UTTER RUINATION OF OUR ACTION FILMS WHY WOULD ANYONE CAST TYLER LAUTNER FROM TWILIGHT IN ONE ARGHHHHHH.
Also, I’m kind of pissed, because now I can remember Tyler Lautner’s name. That knowledge probably pushed out a useful fact, like a statistic on how many baby kittens dolphins have murdered or something.
Seeing a trailer for Moneyball (I know, right?) reminds me: Am I supposed to find Brad Pitt attractive? I can never remember.
Hey, did ya hear? Quentin Tarantino has a new flick opening this weekend!
Of course you’ve heard! The man is nothing if not marketing-savvy. And a tad long-winded (if you replace “a tad” with “excessively,” that is).
But Inglourious Basterds has Nazis! And they’re being brutally killed! And if there’s one thing that the public can agree on (except those freaks who don’t think the Holocaust happened and that white people are superior because they burn easier in the sun) it’s that Nazis suck multitudes of dong.
So I’d like to love Inglourious Basterds. I love seeing (fictional) Nazis eat it as much as the next guy (and by “it” I mean “death” and not the aforementioned “dongs”). But I’ve come to realize that I kind of hate Quentin Tarantino.
I loved Pulp Fiction. Who didn’t? It inspired me to go back and rent Reservoir Dogs, which I also loved and which gave me a crush on Tim Roth, but I still won’t watch his procedural drama on TV, no matter how petitely cute he is! I even liked From Dusk till Dawn, but it turns out I liked the Robert Rodriguez part much better than the Tarantino part, because, damn, that’s a lot of vampire-killin’. But Jackie Brown? Hated. Hated. Hated it. Worse than Dogma, which ended my love affair with Kevin Smith (editor’s note: Lokifire did not have an actual love affair with Kevin Smith, and if she had, it probably would have ended for some sort of personal reasons, like maybe he doesn’t floss well enough or something. Or she didn’t, I don’t know). But then he came back with Kill Bill 1. And 2! Which was filled with homages to better directors who have their own style (also, it was filled with assassins, which was kind of awesome). But not awesome enough! (Should I address an issue raised in parantheses outside of parantheses? Is that some sort of punctuation faux pas?)
Although it is nice to see Uma Thurman get starring roles, because she is sort of weirdly beautiful, and I’m not sure enough people know it. But that also doesn’t matter! Because I found it derivative and, at times, boring. Not the fight scenes though. Those were mostly cool. I love fight scenes.
Anyway, Tarantino might have made some movies after Kill Bill (1 and 2) or not, I don’t know. I do know he’s somehow involved in this weird Japanese flick about gunfighting instead of swordfighting, which, why do people watch Japanese movies anyway? I mean, other than because they’re Japanese. It’s for sword fights, obviously. The point of this paragraph, however, which I totally veered away from, is that I don’t know if Tarantino made any other movies because I had totally stopped caring.
And now, here’s Inglourious Basterds. And my love of Nazi-bashing can only be defeated by my apathy and, hence, is. (Did I use hence right? Am I using these parentheses right? Am I spelling parantheses right?!)
Oh, and Brad Pitt bugs me. Also, and I don’t care if it’s on purpose, “Inglourious Basterds” is spelled wrong.