Digging too Deeply: Me Too

May 18, 2016 at 11:28 am (I Overanalyze Song Lyrics) (, , )

Lately, my daughter has been listening to a lot of terrible pop music. I assume it’s her father’s influence, because I only like things that are good, like Battlefield Baseball and the scene in Evil Dead 2 where you can see the rope holding up Bruce Campbell.

I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms."

I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms.”

Anyway, the song my daughter likes now is this total earworm by Meghan Trainor, Me Too, so I thought, hey, while it’s stuck in my head for the rest of my life, why not analyze the lyrics, huh?

We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.

We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.

So we’ll do just that.

Who’s that sexy thing I see over there?
That’s me, standin’ in the mirror
What’s that icy thing hangin’ ’round my neck?
That’s gold, show me some respect

This is an odd little beginning, because I think Meghan Trainor is looking at herself in the mirror while wearing a gold necklace, and she is talking to herself. And she is disrespecting herself while doing so.

"Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin' me?"

“Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin’ me?”

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

Yes, she is definitely alone.

Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!

Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

And here, she’s speaking to a hypothetical “you,” telling them that she understands their desire to be her, because she is awesome. So awesome that she has to say she would wanna be herself too SIX TIMES.

"I should really probably fire my stylist, though."

“I should really probably fire my stylist, though.”

I walk in like a dime piece
I go straight to V.I.P.
I never pay for my drinks
My entourage behind me
My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise
So bless me, baby, achoo
And even if they tried to
They can’t do it like I do

Here, I had to turn to Google, because I am an old person, and when I saw “dime piece,” I thought it meant “dime bag,” and we were talking weed all of a sudden. But it turns out that a dime piece is just a really sexy woman. So Meghan Trainor (who, you might remember, is conversing with a reflection of herself) asserts here that she walks into places like one fine piece of tail (see? old person talk, right there.), heading straight to the important person section, where her drinks are all free (or at least billed to her accountant), with an entourage behind her.

For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.

For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.

Then I think she has a seizure or something, because the next section is a bit of a mess: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise, So bless me, baby, achoo.” What the hell does that even mean?

"Sometimes even I sneeze too?"

“Sometimes even I sneeze too?”

Then she reminds us that she is awesome, and we should all be so lucky as to be her:

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

Again, SIX TIMES.

Meghan Trainor then invites us to turn the bass up …

(Turn the bass up)
Turn the bass up
(Turn the bass up)
Let’s go!

… which seems like a good idea, because these lyrics are seriously just the worst.

Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.

Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.

The song wraps up with this sentiment once again:

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

That’s TWELVE TIMES. TWELVE TIMES that Meghan Trainor says she’d want to be herself too, were she someone else. You know what that’s called? That’s called overcompensation. So Meghan Trainor isn’t really saying “you should aspire to be me, because I am awesome,” she is saying “my life is terrible ever since I sold out to The Man, I’m so lonely and my self-esteem is suffering, please won’t someone see this as the cry for help that it is?”

Either that, or she’s actually saying: “I’m too famous to bother memorizing lyrics, so let’s just go with this, okay?”

You know, she looks, just, so tired. It's probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.

You know, she looks, just, so tired. It’s probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.

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Ash vs. Evil Dead is no Evil Dead 2, but it’s still good

November 12, 2015 at 10:46 am (Randomosity) (, , , , )

Well, I finally watched the first episode of Ash vs. Evil Dead, which for some reason I thought was called Ash vs. the Evil Dead, so now don’t I feel stupid.

"And well you should."

“And well you should.”

We learn that it’s thirty years after the events of the original Evil Dead (and possibly Evil Dead 2, because the flashbacks kind of combine the two), and also that Army of Darkness never happened, which is all right because it’s the second best one anyway.

It's a controversial opinion, I know, but one I stand by.

It’s a controversial opinion, I know, but one I stand by.

Ash lives in a trailer court, wears a girdle and works for Valu-Mart, or something like that (again, because Army of Darkness never happened, so there’s no such thing as shopping smart at S-Mart), and also he’s gotten into the habit of picking up strange women in bars and spanking them with his wooden hand.

Anyway, he accidentally unleashes the Candarian demons, whom we’re calling Deadites now, apparently, so maybe Army of Darkness did happen?, and this beautiful lady cop and her red-shirt partner get called to the crime scene and fight Candarian Deadites, and the partner gets all possessed and killed and the lady cop gets to meet Lucy Lawless, so, all things considered, she really comes out ahead.

Seeing this picture, I'm the happiest I'll ever be.

Seeing this picture, I’m the happiest I’ll ever be.

Then Ash decides he needs to flee the ancient evil that’s pursuing him, like that ever works, but it’s mostly so he can have a brief hero’s journey from coward to badass Ash. Also, he gets attacked by a tiny doll, and he pratfalls like a damn pro, and instead of fleeing, he has to kill his possessed neighbor, and then he goes for THE CHAINSAW HAND…

... and then I had to fan myself because, boy, is it getting hot in here or what?

… and then I had to fan myself because, boy, is it getting hot in here or what?

…but he has to kill another possessed neighbor to get it, which is too bad, because she was totally cleaning his trailer house for him, and then at the end, his two coworkers are all like, “How do you feel?” And he’s all like: “Groovy.”

Groovy indeed, Ash. Groovy indeed.

Groovy indeed, Ash. Groovy indeed.

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Celebrating an important day

October 30, 2015 at 10:35 am (Randomosity) (, , )

I know it’s a day early, everyone, but I’m sure you’re all just as excited about this special day as I am, so…

HAPPY ASH VS. THE EVIL DEAD DAY!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

 

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Did somebody put out a burn notice on Jeffrey Donovan?

May 13, 2015 at 10:24 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , , , , , , )

Ha, but seriously, folks: Now hiring Headline Writer.

Include your headshot with application.

Include your headshot with application.

Moving right along, Jeffrey Donovan, the former star of Burn Notice, seems to have disappeared right off the face of the earth. Why? Did he anger some dangerous people? Become disfigured in an explosion? Get typecast by people who have trouble telling the actor apart from the spy character he played (like who would do that, right)?

He always dresses like this, right?

He always dresses like this, right?

The answer is: I don’t know! But let me tell you some things I do know about Jeffrey Donovan, other than Michael Westen is my perfect boy.

For, you know, obvious reasons.

For, you know, obvious reasons.

Jeffrey T. Donovan was born in 1968 in Amesbury, Massachusetts, which is a town neither I nor Spellchecker have ever heard of before. He grew up to be an even 6 feet tall, which is pretty good, and married a beautiful model (yes, I know “beautiful model” is redundant), and has a daughter. Also, he was poor as a kid, and knows, like, 500 different kinds of martial arts. Or three. Probably just three. That’s still a lot.

Ahem. THOSE ARMS.

Ahem. THOSE ARMS.

Donovan did some acting in high school, earning an acting award at Amesbury High, a place I am having trouble believing exists, and moved on to the big time with a role in Throwing Down, an independent film from 1995. That led to, awesomely, a role on an episode of Homicide, wherein he played twins with Southern accents, and one was a vicious killer and the police arrested the wrong one because nobody knew they were twins! It was not the best episode of Homicide (I think that honor probably goes to Three Men and Adena), but it was all right.

Also, Kyle Secor and Andre Braugher are wonderful.

Also, Kyle Secor and Andre Braugher are wonderful.

Then he did a bunch more acting, like in Sleepers, which I think was a movie I actually saw one time; and Millennium, that TV show that was too scary for me to watch; and Catherine’s Grove, which I’m including for the first sentence of its description: “Undercover cop Doyle is working on a serial killer case that’s left a trail of dead transvestites.”

Jeffrey Donovan does NOT look good as a blonde.

Jeffrey Donovan does NOT look good as a blonde.

After that, he was in a few episodes of The Pretender, which I really should remember by now existed; Spin City; The Blair Witch sequel, after which he hopefully got a new agent; Witchblade, which did anyone know that was made into a TV series in 2002?; and then it was on to a starring role in Touching Evil.

“What didn’t kill him made him stranger” is like my life, if you switch out a couple of pronouns.

Here’s a description of Touching Evil, which sounds almost as good as Catherine’s Grove: “In spite of his inability to abide by common sense and the laws he’s sworn to uphold, he, with the help of his partner, work together to hunt down the most wicked and vicious criminals on the streets.” Then he was in Hitch with Will Smith, which is too bad; then CSI: Miami and original flavor Law & Order; and then an episode of Monk, which, if I recall correctly, is the one where he played an evil astronaut.

Ooh, look at the good memory on me!

Ooh, look at the good memory on me!

In 2007, he was in Crossing Jordan for a while, which I don’t remember at all, despite it being the show I would end up watching when I was too tired and depressed to leave the couch, and too poor for basic cable.

Those were dark days, you guys. Dark days.

Those were dark days, you guys. Dark days.

After that, it was some other stuff, but I’m tired of listing those things, so Burn Notice! He totally got to hang out with Bruce Campbell, like, all the time, so I’m sure it was his best gig ever and now he wakes up every day and is unhappy because he and Bruce don’t hang anymore.

“Don’t be sad. We can be, like, Twitter buddies or something.”

(Oh, and in 2011, he played Robert Kennedy in a movie called J. Edgar.) After Burn Notice wrapped up in 2013 — and might I say: 2013??? What? I thought it ended in 2011 or so — there’s a great big gaping hole in his resume filled with, I would assume, husbanding and fathering. OR TRYING TO RESTORE HIS GOOD NAME AFTER BEING BURNED BY THE GOVERNMENT.

OK, so maybe I have a little trouble telling fiction from reality.

OK, so maybe I have a little trouble telling fiction from reality.

Anyway, it looks like he shows up in an episode of Fargo this spring, and then he’s in Extinction, for which I shall copy-paste yet another description: “Nine years after an infection turns most of the humanity into rabid creatures, Patrick, Jack and Lu, a nine-year-old girl, survive in seeming peace and calm in the forgotten snow-covered town of Harmony”; and lastly, Sicario, which stars Emily Blunt and Josh Broling, so I don’t know what that’s all about.

Although I should probably watch Fargo, since Watson's in it and I enjoyed the movie and all.

Although I should probably watch Fargo, since Watson’s in it and I enjoyed the movie and all.

Also, he apparently really likes the outdoors and doesn’t watch much television, so I guess we wouldn’t be friends or anything. Unless he’s willing to give it all up for a more sedentary lifestyle, but I would bet probably not.

But if he's up for that, maybe he wouldn't mind me tousling his hair some?

But if he’s up for that, maybe he wouldn’t mind me tousling his hair some?

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I don’t actually care about the Evil Dead remake

April 5, 2013 at 10:45 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Now, I know a lot of Evil Dead fans are up in arms about the Evil Dead remake.

Or up in chainsaw arms! Ha ha ha!

Or up in chainsaw arms! Ha ha ha!

But the thing they don’t remember is that there are three movies in the Evil Dead series and the best, by far, is Evil Dead 2. (Shut up, Army of Darkness lovers. It’s good! It’s just not as good as Evil Dead 2, which is one of the best movies ever.)

Gah! It's legs!(Seriously, though, what's up with the remake's stupid poster?)

Gah! It’s legs!
(Seriously, though, what’s up with the remake’s stupid poster?)

So who cares if there’s a completely unnecessary Evil Dead remake? Everything’s got completely unnecessary remakes nowadays. Hell! Even Psycho has a prequel television series, like: Fecking seriously? A Psycho prequel television series? And before Psycho had a wholly unnecessary prequel television series, it had a wholly unnecessary remake that was supposed to be an “homage” to the original Hitchcock film.

Why couldn't we have just re-released the original in theaters and called it a day?

Why couldn’t we have just re-released the original in theaters and called it a day?

WHATEVER!

"You killed my father, etc., etc."

“You killed my father, etc., etc.”

The important thing to keep in mind is that the existence of the Evil Dead remake is like the existence of that ridiculously useless The Thing prequel. They’re both stupid and useless and, unless you’re in some sort of hostage situation, no one is forcing you to watch them EVER.

"Just kill me instead!"

“Just kill me instead!”

Also, you still need to remember that Evil Dead 2 is the best one, and save your anger for when they remake that.

Because you know Hollywood will never allow that many hillbilly characters in a room together ever again.

Because you know Hollywood will never allow that many hillbilly characters in a room together ever again.

Because nothing could ever compare to the original.

Nothing.

Nothing.

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Oz is a thing I didn’t see last weekend

March 12, 2013 at 10:04 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Lately, I’d been wondering why people were talking so much about the Oz prequel. Actually, I wasn’t wondering so much about people talking as I was about people posting things on the Internet, because I don’t actually know any people. But wondering about the Oz prequel, I was.

Yup. Wondering.

It mostly consisted of me going: “Huh? They made an Oz prequel?”

And then it turned out it was because the Oz prequel was opening this last weekend! And I went “Oh, right,” and hit myself in the forehead in a slapstick manner.

So the things I know about the Oz prequel:

1. It’s loosely based on L. Frank Baum’s Oz books.

2. Sam Raimi directed it.

He looks so friendly, like, even if you were the worst actor ever, he'd just nice you into a decent performance.

He looks so friendly, like, even if you were the worst actor ever, he’d just nice you into a decent performance.

3. Which means Bruce Campbell must be in it somewhere.

Don't tell me if I'm wrong. I don't want to know.

Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I don’t want to know.

So there you go. I didn’t see it, and I probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving Sam Raimi for Evil Dead 2.

Insert Whitney Houston singing the Bodyguard theme here.

Insert Whitney Houston singing the Bodyguard theme here.

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My perfect Christmas present isn’t a bracelet at all

November 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, )

So there’s this Christmas commercial airing for some jewelry company, and the dad has the son dress up as Santa and give the mom a box and inside is the godawful ugly bracelet. The mom looks at it and sighs, “Ohhhh, Santa,” like, if the kid was any older, he would be so squicked out because his parents are totally getting laid tonight, but luckily, he just grabs a plate of cookies and wanders off merrily, thoughts of parental fornication completely absent from his innocent head.

Run, kid! It looks like Mom and Dad are about to get busy under the Christmas tree!

And every time I see that ad, I think: “Do women really react like that to godawful ugly bracelets?”

Also: Are there actually women who find these bracelets neither godawful nor ugly?

And then I think: “Wait, I guess if someone bought me a box set of the Evil Dead trilogy for Christmas, I would totally sigh ‘Ohhhh, Santa,’ and then we’d probably have sex, except they’d have to wait until after we watched the movies.”

“Because I don’t care how good the sex is, nothing is better than watching Bruce Campbell fight zombies.”

 

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The best instrument of all, ever?

May 15, 2012 at 1:56 pm (Things I Want) (, )

I want a boomwhacker.

These colorful tubes are actually instruments that you play by repeatedly smashing them against the ground.

It’s no boomstick, but it’ll do.

Wait, is that thing even an instrument?

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Denise Crosby’s career: the next generation

April 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

Was that too much of a stretch for a Star Trek joke? It was, wasn’t it.

Eh, I could've done a play on "Make it so," so really, we all got off lucky.

Anyway, nerds of a certain age will remember Denise Crosby as the taser-wielding Lt. Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation. You younger nerds can get off my lawn.

But what happened to Ms. Crosby after she left ST:TNG for greener pastures? Where did she goooooooo?

Well, according to IMDB, Denise Crosby forms part of the extensive Crosby family dynasty, a dynasty of which I was heretofore unaware. (Did I use heretofore correctly? Will anyone know if I didn’t?) The daughter of entertainer Dennis Crosby (yeah, I’ve never heard of him before now either), her first role was as an uncredited party guest in 10.

Sadly, I have no hilarious commentary on the existence of 10.

A year later, she got a role on Days of Our Lives. In 1982, it was on to a role in Trail of the Pink Panther, which I don’t think you should bother watching because Peter Sellers was dead by then.

There's a lot of movies you shouldn't bother watching because Peter Sellers is dead.

The early ’80s also brought loads of fun stuff, like the TV movie Cocaine: One Man’s Seduction, like don’t you feel bad for the people who have to come up with these titles? “Look, Bob, we need to make it clear this is a C-List made-for-TV flick. What’ve ya got?”

I see your coke-addicted Dennis Weaver ...

... And raise you a feathery-haired James Spader.

Of course, you’ve got 1983’s The Man Who Loved Women, which should have been alternately titled Which is Every Guy Except for the Gay Ones and 1985’s Malice in Wonderland (made for TV movie).

The late ’80s brought a guest role on L.A. Law, which was a pretty big deal at the time, and also a role as the wife in Pet Sematary, which I totally didn’t realize was her.

I'll go ahead and just say it was because the headband threw me off.

Also in the late 1980s, she was in Star Trek: The Next Generation, which I already mentioned. She left after 22 episodes, because her character had been kind of pushed to the background, but came back in later years to play her character’s daughter and also alternate reality or time-travel versions of Tasha Yar. I had already stopped watching at that point, so I really don’t remember this at all.

Here's a picture of Tasha Yar, though.

The early ’90s brought a lot of guest roles on TV series I’ve never heard of and don’t feel like listing, except for The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., because it had Bruce Campbell in it.

I will never stop telling you people that Bruce Campbell is a god until he agrees to officiate my wedding. If I ever have a wedding.

She was also in the Red Shoe Diaries, just like David Duchovny and Sheryl Lee!

Young David Duchovny has nice cheekbones.

Later, she had a role on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Diagnosis Murder and Baywatch, which is great. In 1998, she had a role in a movie called Divorce: A Contemporary Western, proving that titles are hard no matter what the genre.

Speaking of David Duchovny, she also had a guest part on the X-Files after it had started sucking, so no wonder I never noticed. She was also on JAG and Judging Amy and Crossing Jordan, but I never saw those shows, so I don’t care.

OK, fine, I watched a few episodes of Crossing Jordan when there was nothing else on, but that is it, I swear.

This is getting a little long here, because apparently Denise Crosby has been working steadily for quiet a while, and I just didn’t notice, so we’ll wrap things up by saying she’s had roles on Dexter, Mad Men, Prison Break and most recently Southland, so I guess if I wanted to know what Denise Crosby was up to lately, I would watch more television.

So there you go. Tasha Yar is not only still acting, she is, in fact, flourishing.

And she looks GREAT.

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Capt. Jack Sparrow vs. Capt. Hook

March 18, 2011 at 4:39 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

The nice thing about movie pirates is the way they totally don’t murder your whole family in front of you and threaten to sodomize your dog, like real pirates. I actually made up that part about what they said they would do to your dog.

Anyway, two of the most famous movie pirates are Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook. I don’t feel like I need to give you background on these guys, because they are really, really famous movie pirates. If you do need background, I’d like to congratulate you on rejoining the world after spending all those years in a cave on the moon.

Pictured here: Keith Richards! Er, I mean, Jack Sparrow! Er, I mean … this joke’s been done to death, hasn’t it? Crap.

“Yes, that joke has been done to death. You suck. I would like to disembowel you with the hook I have instead of a hand.”

On to the battlefield, where it’s safe for your family and your dog!

And thank God for that.

Physicality. In a battle of fictional pirates, the pirate who resembles Johnny Depp wins. The pirate who resembles Johnny Depp always wins. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

Johnny Depp: God’s answer to “What would pretty look like as a man?”

Evilisciousness. I was hedging between this as a category title and Evilocity, and then I thought that Evilocity was an insurance company, so evilisciousness it is. Also, let’s see if I can ever spell that word the same way twice. (I guess I should probably have put word in quotes.) Anyway, Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook, as movie pirates, are ever so much less evil than real pirates. But which one is more evil than the other, but not more evil than real pirates? Capt. Jack Sparrow, as far as I know after watching the first two movies and not any of the others (there were others, right?), was kind of self-serving and sneaky, but not so evil that he would do something like kill Keira Knightley’s character for Christ’s sake someone should’ve done it. On the other hand, Capt. Hook’s main goal in life was to murder a little boy. Magical little boy or not, that’s pretty evil. Winner? Capt. Hook.

Look, Peter, I know you don’t have a mother, but if you’re going to go to the trouble of covering up your chest with leaves, cover the whole damn chest, all right?

More flamboyant costume? Dressed garishly, as all movie pirates are, the better for audiences to be able to tell that they are movie pirates, both Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook have a fondness for giant hats, feathers and button-up coats. Only one of them wears eyeliner. (Hint: It’s the Johnny Depp one.) Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

They’re calling it guyliner these days, aren’t they?

Has a better sidekick? Capt. Hook’s sidekick is the irrepressible Smee, who is a obese buffoon in the Disney movie, an altogether unsastisfying change from his original incarnation as a ruthless bastard. Still, an obese buffoon is infinitely superior to Keira Knightley and, I hate to admit it because he’s soooo pretty, Orlando Bloom. Winner? Capt. Hook.

The irony is that both the men in this picture are prettier than Keira Knightley.

Has a hook for a hand? Capt. Hook has a hook for a hand, a fact of which he is either very proud and changed his name to suit, or was rather convenient for him because he was already like, “Hey, my name is Hook!” (It’s the first one.) No one would chop off Johnny Depp’s hands for a movie because he has such nice hands. Although I think I’d love him more if he had a chainsaw hand.

I love EVERYTHING more with a chainsaw hand.

Winner? Capt. Hook.

Is eaten by a creature of the deep? Capt. Jack Sparrow gets eaten by a Kraken or something, I don’t know, did anybody else think the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was so goddamned boring? Later, he somehow comes back, because Disney and Johnny Depp like to buy nice things. Capt. Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, which also ate a clock, so he could hear his doom approaching him. Although, actually, his doom didn’t approach him until the clock stopped working, so he couldn’t actually hear his doom approaching and so it snuck up on him. Or sneaked up on him. I’m never sure about the past tense of that word. Pressing valiantly on! Hook got et by a crocodile. Winner? Well, since both these guys got eaten by creatures typically found in the dark recesses of the waters, I’m going to go ahead and call this a tossup.

Everything was scarier in the book.

Faces more difficult adversaries? Capt. Hook’s adversaries are a magical boy, a tinker fairy and a bunch of other little kids who aren’t particularly magical, but do wear the skins of dead animals. Capt. Jack Sparrow’s adversaries are the navy (British, I think, but *yawn*, second movie soooo boring) and a squid-faced Davy Jones. Also whoever cast Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.

You probably guessed, but I am not a fan.

For the tie-breaker, which of these characters hasn’t been ruined by awful sequels? Ha, ha, I’m just kidding. Of course Peter Pan’s got sequels. I told you Disney likes to buy nice things.

For the real tie-breaker, which of these characters is more masculine? What with his guyliner and all, Capt. Jack Sparrow has a weak hold on the last threads of his heterosexuality. Sure, he tries to get you to think he’s into the ladies by coming on to Keira Knightley, but we all know if he had any taste in women at all, he’d go after the chick who ended up on Undercovers, because she is gorgeous.

It’s a shame this show sucked and got canceled, because I deserve to have people this attractive on my TV.

Still, he’s good with a sword and grows a magnificent goatee. Capt. Hook doesn’t waste a single minute on trying to convince anyway he’s straight or gay or having sex of any kind at all. He is single-minded in the pursuit of his goal, which is to kill the hell out of a small child. Now that’s a man. (Are you sure?) Whatever, I like Hook better. Winner? Capt. Hook.

Overall winner? Capt. Hook. By a hook.

It’s no chainsaw hand, but it’ll do.

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