Ha, but seriously, folks: Now hiring Headline Writer.
Moving right along, Jeffrey Donovan, the former star of Burn Notice, seems to have disappeared right off the face of the earth. Why? Did he anger some dangerous people? Become disfigured in an explosion? Get typecast by people who have trouble telling the actor apart from the spy character he played (like who would do that, right)?
The answer is: I don’t know! But let me tell you some things I do know about Jeffrey Donovan, other than Michael Westen is my perfect boy.
Jeffrey T. Donovan was born in 1968 in Amesbury, Massachusetts, which is a town neither I nor Spellchecker have ever heard of before. He grew up to be an even 6 feet tall, which is pretty good, and married a beautiful model (yes, I know “beautiful model” is redundant), and has a daughter. Also, he was poor as a kid, and knows, like, 500 different kinds of martial arts. Or three. Probably just three. That’s still a lot.
Donovan did some acting in high school, earning an acting award at Amesbury High, a place I am having trouble believing exists, and moved on to the big time with a role in Throwing Down, an independent film from 1995. That led to, awesomely, a role on an episode of Homicide, wherein he played twins with Southern accents, and one was a vicious killer and the police arrested the wrong one because nobody knew they were twins! It was not the best episode of Homicide (I think that honor probably goes to Three Men and Adena), but it was all right.
Then he did a bunch more acting, like in Sleepers, which I think was a movie I actually saw one time; and Millennium, that TV show that was too scary for me to watch; and Catherine’s Grove, which I’m including for the first sentence of its description: “Undercover cop Doyle is working on a serial killer case that’s left a trail of dead transvestites.”
After that, he was in a few episodes of The Pretender, which I really should remember by now existed; Spin City; The Blair Witch sequel, after which he hopefully got a new agent; Witchblade, which did anyone know that was made into a TV series in 2002?; and then it was on to a starring role in Touching Evil.
Here’s a description of Touching Evil, which sounds almost as good as Catherine’s Grove: “In spite of his inability to abide by common sense and the laws he’s sworn to uphold, he, with the help of his partner, work together to hunt down the most wicked and vicious criminals on the streets.” Then he was in Hitch with Will Smith, which is too bad; then CSI: Miami and original flavor Law & Order; and then an episode of Monk, which, if I recall correctly, is the one where he played an evil astronaut.
In 2007, he was in Crossing Jordan for a while, which I don’t remember at all, despite it being the show I would end up watching when I was too tired and depressed to leave the couch, and too poor for basic cable.
After that, it was some other stuff, but I’m tired of listing those things, so Burn Notice! He totally got to hang out with Bruce Campbell, like, all the time, so I’m sure it was his best gig ever and now he wakes up every day and is unhappy because he and Bruce don’t hang anymore.
(Oh, and in 2011, he played Robert Kennedy in a movie called J. Edgar.) After Burn Notice wrapped up in 2013 — and might I say: 2013??? What? I thought it ended in 2011 or so — there’s a great big gaping hole in his resume filled with, I would assume, husbanding and fathering. OR TRYING TO RESTORE HIS GOOD NAME AFTER BEING BURNED BY THE GOVERNMENT.
Anyway, it looks like he shows up in an episode of Fargo this spring, and then he’s in Extinction, for which I shall copy-paste yet another description: “Nine years after an infection turns most of the humanity into rabid creatures, Patrick, Jack and Lu, a nine-year-old girl, survive in seeming peace and calm in the forgotten snow-covered town of Harmony”; and lastly, Sicario, which stars Emily Blunt and Josh Broling, so I don’t know what that’s all about.
Also, he apparently really likes the outdoors and doesn’t watch much television, so I guess we wouldn’t be friends or anything. Unless he’s willing to give it all up for a more sedentary lifestyle, but I would bet probably not.
Sooooo … sorry about your girlfriend.
I mean, the way she was possessed by Candarian demons and tried to kill you? That’s really tragic. Also the way you had to behead her? I am so sorry. And the way she crawled out of her grave and did a creepy stop-motion dance? That is more than one man should have to endure.
But I want you to know: I’m here for you.
Actually, Evil Dead 2’s Ash, I want you to know this as well: I love you. I love you as much as any woman can love a man with a chainsaw hand. Which is a lot.
I mean, wow! You have a chainsaw hand!
A chainsaw hand!
A CHAINSAW HAND!
What’s better than a chainsaw hand?
In addition to your chainsaw hand, which is certainly one of your most appealing traits, I appreciate your willingness to slaughter Candarian demons, whether they be possessing your girlfriend’s corpse or not.
I mean, that’s awesome.
Who doesn’t want to date a guy who’s a master of Candarian demon-slaying? I mean, come on! That’s what I look for in every guy I date, which is why none of them will ever live up to you, Evil Dead 2’s Ash. Because you, sir, are the original. You are the master.
I love you.
Also, you grow up to become Sam Axe and hang out with Michael Westen and his Charger, and I could totally get on board with that.
In honor of two of my favorite-est shows returning for new seasons/half-seasons, I present this battle between Fi and Sarah.
Both these ladies are ass-kicking beauties who have a variety of skills, from the art of seduction to driving fast cars to conning the hell out of an unwitting mark. Yup, Fiona and Sarah are badasses all the way.
But whose ass is badder?
And does that even make sense?
Errr, on to the battle! Of fictional ladies! Whoo!
Physicality. There’s no denying that both Fiona Glenanne and Sarah Walker are beautiful, beautiful women. Fiona has this kind of, I don’t know, elegance about her. She looks very Renaissance, like women would have looked back then if they had been much, much thinner.
Sarah, on the other hand, is possibly the most beautiful girl ever. Really, though, the only complaint you could have is that Fiona is really, really skinny and whoever picks out her wardrobe is doing a poor job of hiding that. Winner? Sarah. I mean, she’s just so pretty.
Ass-kicking quotient? Here is another nearly even match. While Sarah is better with the ol’ fisticuffs, Fiona won’t hesitate to blow you to hell with a neatly planted bomb. They’re both good with guns and have no qualms about kicking you in the face should the need arise. Winner? It’s a total tie.
Has a cute brunette boyfriend? Sure, sure, they’re both on-again, off-again, but you know when the cameras are done rolling forever on both these shows, the viewers want Chuck and Sarah and Michael Westen and Fiona together. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Michael and Sarah on a date, that would be some kind of awesome, am I right? (I’m sooooo right. Especially if said date led to some sort of international hijinks and they had to kick ass together, and Chuck and Fiona were all like, this sucks, and then Fiona was like, hey, wanna blow stuff up? and Chuck was like, well, I’ve got nothing better to do. Sure. And then they did.) But really, both have super cute brunette boyfriends and the only difference is do you prefer your boy clean-cut and snarky or floppy-haired and sweet (yet snarky). And the answer is: it doesn’t matter. Clean-cut, floppy-haired, they’re the brunettes with the hot girlfriends. Winner? A tie again!
Fights for good? Sarah is with the CIA, a.k.a. the government. Depending on your perspective, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. However, all of the missions of hers we’ve witnessed involved saving innocent (or at least semi-innocent) people from a horrible fate. Fi also fights for the little guy at the side of her super smokin’ hot boyfriend Michael. Before that, however, she was in the IRA, which means she was completely and utterly evil. And she’s actually still kind of evil. Winner? Sarah.
Sweeter ride? I know Fi drives a Saab, unless it got blowed up good on some episode I missed. Sarah drives some sporty little number. The real competition here, then, is between their boyfriend’s cars. Chuck drives a Nerd Herder, which is a cute little, I don’t know, something German or maybe Swedish? Anyway, it’s totally cute and John Casey put all sorts of awesome extras into it, so it’s like some sort of super spy-car now.
On the other hand, Michael Westen drives a 1971 Charger. Winner? Fiona.
Better cover identity? Sarah’s cover identity is that she works at a yogurt shop and is Chuck’s on-again off-again girlfriend. Fiona doesn’t bother with a cover ID. Winner? In this case, I’m going to have to go with Fiona, because like anyone is going to buy that a chick that looks like Sarah wouldn’t be an aspiring model or something.
Gets to hang out with Bruce Campbell? You know, I like to think that if Bruce Campbell wasn’t so busy with Burn Notice right now, he would totally make time for a guest shot on Chuck. Unfortunately, he is totally busy with Burn Notice, so Fiona wins again.
That’s weird. You don’t even like Fiona. It’s true.
On the other hand, gets to hang out with Adam Baldwin? The best Baldwin brother of all! (He’s not one of the Baldwin brothers, so he (and we) wins.) Also, Sarah wins.
On to a tiebreaker? On to a tiebreaker.
The final, tie-breaking question? Errr, I actually hadn’t thought any further ahead than the cute boyfriend question.
How much prep goes into these things, anyway? Oh, tons. Just tons.
You ready to get on with it now? Yes?
The ultimate tie-breaking question: Better opening credits for your supra-awesome show, ladies? Oh, man, now that’s just a hard one. Burn Notice has the whole “I’m Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until….” But Chuck has the whole “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA can’t count nas and type while singing the Cake theme song there!” But isn’t Burn Notice’s intro basically a recap? Yeah, but “a friend who used to inform on you to the FBI.” “You know spies, a bunch of bitchy little girls.” But Chuck has the cute little animated guy! Why did I make this question the tie-breaker? Why indeed?!! Winner? Sarah, because Burn Notice’s intro isn’t a proper show opener at all. It’s a recap. (Still awesome, though.)
Overall winner? Wow, this was a tighter race than I thought it would be. Sarah. Barely. Try a little harder next time, why don’t you, spy-girl?
As I was watching an old episode of Burn Notice last night, I thought to myself, man, that Lucy Lawless sure is awesome. I thought that because it’s true. She’s, like, nearly six feet of bad-assery. So awesome.
And while my favorite incarnation of Lucy Lawless is as one of the cylons on Battlestar Galactica, most people can’t think of Lucy Lawless without picturing her in a body-armor miniskirt with raven black hair.
That image is, of course, of Xena: Warrior Princess.
Speaking of warrior princesses, wasn’t She-Ra also one? Well, at any rate, Xena and She-Ra kind of rhyme a little, so on with the battle!
Physicality. She-Ra was an Aryan blonde who wore a skimpy little dress and carried a sword. Also, she was a cartoon and an action figure. Xena was played by Lucy Lawless, who is stunning, whether her hair is black, dark blonde or red. I mean, she’s just gorgeous! Soooo pretty. Winner? I think it’s clearly Xena here.
Ass-kicking quotient? Admittedly, I haven’t watched many episodes of Xena, which is a shame, because the ones I saw, I liked. Unfortunately, it aired back when I was working a late evening shift and before the days of Tivo and DVR, so whatever. As a child, I watched more He-Man than She-Ra. So, it turns out that I am totally going to make up a figure! Xena kicked an average of 2.6 asses per episode, and She-Ra kicked, er, .89. Yeah, that sounds right. But for reals, though, every time I tuned in to Xena, she was doing that war cry (you know the one) and tossing her killer chakram around (or whatever the hell that thing is). She-Ra, I think, brushed her hair a lot and urged little girls to buy her doll so they could do the same. Winner? Xena.
Best sidekick? Xena’s sidekick/lover(?) was the petite blonde Gabrielle, who, apparently, took up the mantle of “ass-kicking one” upon the series finale. She-Ra had a rotating series of helpers or friends or whatsits, including the literally-named sorceress “Castaspella” and a woman with peacock feathers named “Peekablue.” Gods, no wonder I watched He-Man instead. That shit’s just ridiculous, I don’t care how 7 years old I was. Winner? Xena.
Was originally evil, but then aligned herself with good? Yes! But only She-Ra has the excuse of being kidnapped as a baby and raised to be evil. Xena was just plain mean. Yet awesome! Winner? A tie.
Fought evil for longer, by which I mean, lasted more seasons? Xena battled the baddies for a whopping six seasons, while She-Ra petered out after two. Winner? Xena.
To make it fair, who had a better toy line? She-Ra, like her brother He-Man, was basically a cartoon about buying action figures. While Xena did eventually get her own line of action figures, She-Ra’s had a horse with wings and a horn. Winner? She-Ra.
Better weapon? She-Ra had a magical sword that transformed her from Princess Adora (I know) into She-Ra. That’s pretty cool, if you think about it, like, how did the sword know what size magical costume to get her? Xena had the aforementioned chakram, which is a circular killer weapon of awesome. Winner? Xena, but a magic sword comes close.
Maybe we should just end this before She-Ra gets brutalized some more? Maybe we should.
Overall winner? Hey, you can’t have “Warrior Princess” in your name without winning a few battles. (Of course, She-Ra was the “Princess of Power,” so I guess that thing I just said doesn’t make much sense. Whatever.)
As I always say, Bruce Campbell is a god.
So who could be better than Bruce Campbell? Only Bruce Campbell himself.
The question is: do we (by we, I ostensibly mean “the masses,” but probably am actually just using the royal “we”) prefer Evil Dead flavor Bruce Campbell or Burn Notice flavor Bruce Campbell?
Let’s find out!
(Yes, it’s so exciting as to deserve an exclamation point!)
Physicality. Bruce Campbell makes a lot of jokes about the size of his chin, but he’s no Jay Leno, and we couldn’t be more grateful for that! It’s kind of hard to have Bruce Campbell go up against himself, because he’s aged pretty damn gracefully, but you know what? He was a pretty cute young man! The ripped shirt, the chainsaw hand … rowr! Winner? Ash.
Bigger badass? Now, I know most of you haven’t seen the first Evil Dead. Or the second Evil Dead. Only Army of Darkness. I highly recommend Evil Dead 2, but you needn’t bother with the original. However, the lesson we have taken from Evil Dead: the First One is that Ash is a bit of a wuss. His friend Scotty was the more heroic/stupid of the two: beating off the baddies, trying to convince everyone to make a break for it. Ash really only survived the first Evil Dead through a stroke of luck/being bff with the director. By Evil Dead 2, he’d gotten a bit more badass, but he still did quite a bit of whining. By Army of Darkness, he was the badass we know and love, spouting one-liners as he killed demons. However, he still had that wussy Ash in his past, so I can’t do anything but vote for Sam Axe, who stood up to all kind of torture and puts up with Fiona. Winner? Sam Axe.
Better name? Ash is a cool name. It’s a kind of tree that’s perfect for staking vampires! It’s what’s left of vampires when they are hit by the bright light of day! It’s a nickname for Ashley! … Really? Yeah, that’s right, people. That’s what happens when you don’t watch the first Evil Dead. You don’t know Ash’s name is really “Ashley.” Sam Axe, on the other hand, could even be short for “Samantha,” and it wouldn’t matter, because his last name is Axe. Winner? Sam Axe.
Blows shit up? Ash may have caused a few demons to explode in Army of Darkness, in the past, where physics was waaaay more awesome than it is now. Sam Axe, on the other hand, is pretty content to sit back and let Fiona handle the fireworks in Burn Notice. Man, do a lot of things explode on that show. I love that show. Winner? Ash.
Helps the helpless? Sam Axe works with his good buddy, Mr. Super Smokin’ Hot Spy Guy aka Michael Westen, to help those that can’t help themselves, usually through some hourlong con/the power of explosions. It’s his thing. Ash really had to be coerced into helping the unbathed masses in Army of Darkness, and prior to that, he was pretty much in it to win it. Wait, I just said that for the stupid rhyme. I meant, he was very Darwinistic about the whole affair. Winner? Still, they do both help others. It’s a tie.
Has a chainsaw hand? Groovy. Winner? Ash.
Defeats evil? Bruce Campbell defeats evil all over the place, baby. Also Ash and Sam Axe do too. Winner? Another tie!
Master of snappy one-liners? You don’t put Bruce Campbell into anything and not give him some snappy one-liners. Both Ash and Sam Axe are masters of snark. A tie again.
Better job? If you count Ash’s job as being slayer of Candarian demons and not S-Mart clerk, then he’s got a better job, because who doesn’t want a job slaying demons, you know? However, his job is officially S-Mart clerk, so Sam Axe’s “mercenary” wins the day. Winner? Sam Axe.
Great, now you’ve officially tied it. I know. It’s so hard to choose.
Overall winner? The real winner in a battle of Bruce Campbells is us, the people who live in a world with Bruce Campbell. (Because he’s a god.)
Oh, for the days of our youth when Richard Dean Anderson taught us that all you really need to make it in this world is a little floss, some duct tape and a whole lot of chutzpah. Huh. Until Google told me otherwise, I always thought there was an “s” in there somewhere.
Luckily for the children of the oughts, there’s a new MacGyver to teach us how to wreak havoc and free hostages with only household supplies on hand. That man? Is Michael Westen, the super-smokin’-hot protaganist of Burn Notice.
What happens when you pit old-school vs. new-school?
Let’s find out.
Physicality? Well, if I had to rate them, which I do, because I’m making myself do it, Michael Westen would be a 10 on the super-smokin’-hotness scale, which only goes up to 5. MacGyver would be a 5, and that’s mostly nostalgia talking. I’m not saying he’s not hot, because he is, I’m saying he’s not as super-smokin’-hot as Michael Westen. Which is why this round’s winner is Michael Westen.
Rocks a mullet? Oh, MacGyver. Women wrote odes to your flowing tresses, and they all managed to fit the phrase “business in the front, party in the back” into them. Winner? MacGyver.
Is friends with Bruce Campbell? Look, I know Bruce Campbell’s Burn Notice character’s name is Sam Axe, which is an awesome, nay, a spectacularly awesome name, but when you see Bruce Campbell, do you think of any name but Bruce Campbell? No you do not, because he is Bruce Campbell, and also a god. And, as far as I can tell from his imdb page, he was never on MacGyver. Winner? Michael “Friends with Bruce Campbell” Westen.
Blows shit up? Ermm, my memory is a little foggy, and my go-to guy Google is of no help here, but I’m not sure MacGyver ever blew things up, except possibly in a credit card commercial. Michael Westen and his little friend Fi, however, blow shit up constantly. They blow shit up like mad. It’s like blowing shit up is their specialty. Winner? Michael “I blow shit up” Westen.
Uses household products for nefarious … er, I mean “moral” purposes? Look, Michael Westen is always telling us how to use cell phones as bugs or how to make explosives out of cake mix or what-have-you, but he almost always has one little mystery ingredient that keeps the parents of stupid kids from suing the USA network. And that one little mystery ingredient is almost certainly not a household product. MacGyver, however, did not have access to such products, and thus hotwired a car with toothpaste one time. (Note: this scenario almost certainly never happened in an episode in MacGyver, but, if it didn’t, it should have.) Winner? Mac “Mad Improvisation Skillz” Gyver.
Former spy? Oh, for MacGyver, there’s no “former” about it. He’s all secret agent man, all the time. Winner? *Gasp* MacGyver.
Lokifire can spell your name? You don’t know how many “u”s I’ve had to remove from MacGyver. (Between the G and the y, if you were wondering.) Michael Westen, I didn’t get wrong once. Winner? Michael “Name Recognition” Westen.
Since I only put in that last category out of a deep-seated (seeded?) preference for Michael Westen, it seems only fair that we have a tiebreaker. The tiebreaker? How sweet is your ride, g-man? MacGyver mostly drove jeeps or jeep-like vehicles or pickup trucks during the course of the television show. Although he did rent a Mustang once, which fills Lokifire with so much joy! But Michael Westen inherited his dad’s 1973 Charger, which is one big fat muscle car all the time, MacGyver. Winner? Michael. Westen.
Since my last two posts had Madonna’s nasty arms and a scary bunny costume (Eric Elbogen is totally cute though, and I want to hug him or whatever), I figured now was about the time for a nice picture (or three).
Thus, a top ten list! It shall be … let’s see … the top ten crushworthiest actors in Lokifire’s humble opinion, which we all know isn’t that humble, otherwise she wouldn’t keep telling people about it.
2. Cillian Murphy. Cillian’s cheekbones could cut glass, and if there’s one thing we look for in men, it’s glass-cutting ability. Also, this guy can actually, you know, act, so he’s got a leg up on some of the other gents in this list, without getting too yaoi on everyone.
3. Hugh Laurie. Mr. Laurie is funny, British, tall and funny. Also, he’s one of those guys who got handsomer as he aged, which is great!
4. Jeffrey Donovan. He plays a spy on TV, and also, he is hot.
5. Tak Sakaguchi. Another actor from across the seas, who is also a stuntman, who is also one of the prettiest men I have ever seen. I have nothing but respect for Sakaguchi-sama. Except lust. I also have that.
6. Zac Efron. I know you think I’m edging into pedophilia here, and perhaps I am, but I’m pretty sure he’s at least 18, and also, he has some of the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. And such floppy hair! I just want to! Tousle! It!
7. Kenichi Matsuyama. Look! Another model turned actor! Also, he played L, who is my favorite detective ever, except for Sherlock Holmes, and we already discussed that.
8. Kyle Secor. One of my most enduring crushes. From that first moment I saw Homocide: Life on the Streets and they hadn’t made his character a murderous bisexual yet to when he showed up on Veronica Mars, I never stopped loving him. Unlike the people who ran his various fan sites, as they are all apparently defunct, and that makes me cry for the fate of all Kyle Secor lovers out there (and I don’t mean, you know, lovers lovers, or Lokifire would be the happiest girl on the planet).
10. Chuck. OK, the actor is Zachary Levi, but he always seems to have this scraggly beard when he’s not filming the show.
Word on the street, or the internets, which is like the street now, except for less traffic and all that pesky leaving your house and the like, is that Sam Mendes plans to make a Preacher movie!
Of course, since they’ve been planning to make a Preacher movies since the ’90s, with suggestions for casting Jesse Custer as widely varied and generally craptacular as Ben Affleck to James “Cyclops” Marsden (wait, that’s not widely varied at all. It’s the opposite of that), I’m not exactly holding my breath. I am, however, cautiously optimistic. A bit. Ish.
In the meantime, however, let’s make a list!
Preacher: the most perfect cast ever!
1. Jesse Custer: Jeffrey Donovan of Burn Notice. He’s no Ben Affleck, but — oh, no, wait. “He’s no Ben Affleck” is his selling point.
2. Tulip O’Hare: I could recommend Gabriel Anwar just to keep the whole Burn Notice theme going, but she’s kind of scrawny, so I want someone with a little more brawn. Which is why I’m going to suggest Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. She’s beautiful, and I believe that she could truly kick everyone’s ass 12 ways from Sunday, if that is indeed a cliche.
3. Cassidy: Someone recommended Guy Pearce, who would be good, but I think once I said it should be Edward Norton, and I stand by that. Unless they can get Robert Carlyle, and then they should. In fact, go to hell, Norton.
4. Saint of Killers: At first I thought the only option was bringing John Wayne back from the dead, but then I realized Clint Eastwood is John Wayne brought back from the dead.
5. Arseface: Hey, that Zac Efron kid was looking to be taken seriously as an actor, right? Playing a disfigured Kurt Cobain fan is just the ticket! Just make sure to flashback to his pretty, pretty face. (Soooo pretty!)
6. Herr Starr: Patrick Stewart. Mostly for the baldness, partly for the Jean-Luc Picardness.
7. Genesis: Do not go with some craptastic CGI for this thing. We need whoever makes Guillermo del Toro’s monsters and we need them stat.
8. Jody: I’ve heard the name “Woody Harrelson” tossed around for this guy, but since I hate him for the whole “Zombies made me hit the paparrazzi” thing, like, take pride in your papparazzi beating, dude, I’m going to have to say let’s poach another Chuck actor instead: Adam Baldwin. I fear/love him. Flove?
9. Gran’ma: Does Elizabeth Taylor still act? Or breathe? She would be good.
10. God: Just … not Alanis Morrissette, okay?