So there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which is something, I guess, but why can’t we just be satisfied with the Ghostbusters movie we have (there is only one), and make different funny movies?
Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, because I’ve been thinking about Ghostbusters (because there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which we totally don’t need), and I realized that Slimer…
…has a lot in common with Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess.
I’m sure I like one of them better than the other, though, and I’m sure you’re all excited to find out who and why.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Slimer is a lumpy, green, legless glob of ectoplasmic goo. Lumpy Space Princess is a lumpy, purple, legless glob of mystery goo. I like purple. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
Has more repulsive eating habits? Slimer is first discovered haunting a hotel, chowing down at a food cart. His manners are atrocious. I mean, food is getting everywhere, he’s making all these awful sounds. It’s disgusting. Lumpy Space Princess (also known as LSP, probably because it’s easier to say and type) ran away from home to become a hobo, living in the woods and sucking baked beans right out of the can and fighting raccoons for pieces of garbage chicken legs. Winner? It’s a tie, you disgusting creatures!
Has better friends? Slimer is a hideous ghost, and no one likes him. LSP is a hideous floating space princess thing, but her best friend is Turtle Princess…
… and sometimes she hangs out with some of the other movers and shakers in the Adventure Time universe. Winner? LSP!
Wreaks more havoc? As a hideous ghost, Slimer haunts a hotel and pukes ectoplasm all over my third-favorite ghostbuster, Peter Venkman. The ghostbusters wreck up the place pretty bad trying to contain him, but that’s more on them than Slimer. Lumpy Space Princess nearly turned Jake the Dog into a Lumpy Space Person, accidentally trapped a romantic interest in a pocket of time, terrified a village of very tiny people and ate all their crops, nearly let the Lich back out into the world and pissed off a bunch of wolves one time. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
More easily defeated? Sure, it took the ghostbusters a while to capture Slimer, but to be fair, it was their first ghostbusting job, and they were unfamiliar with the equipment. Lumpy Space Princess, on the other hand, runs rampant throughout the Land of Ooo to this very day. Winner? Slimer.
Overall winner? Lumpy Space Princess, because they’d better not remake Adventure Time. That would be terrible.
I’m so excited that if I wasn’t at work, I’d be literally squeeing myself with joy!
Universal Studios is going to restore FIFTEEN WHOLE SILENT MOVIES! FIFTEEN! That’s way more than you would expect, because who watches silent films anymore except for me? (Well, and my daughter, because I make her.)
The only way I could be happier is if I finally finished my time machine so I could go and meet Buster Keaton.
I love Buster Keaton, and you all should too.
Here’s 10 pictures of him that are really great.
1. Buster Keaton looks good in a kitten hat.
2. Buster Keaton looks good in a swimsuit.
3. Buster didn’t need no stinkin’ chairs.
4. He was a man of many talents.
5. He’d bring you flowers.
6. He directed most of his own films.
7. Buster Keaton looked good with a puppy in his pants.
8. He cleans up good.
9. He loves animals and animals love him.
10. He loves Lon Chaney as much as we do.
So, the other night, I was watching one of my favorite movies that doesn’t have any explosions in it, Washington Square (which, coincidentally, is based on one of my favorite books: Washington Square), and as I was cursing the mercenary lover for being so horrible to poor, sweet Catherine, I wondered: Hey, whatever did happen to that guy, anyway?
That guy, dear readers, was Ben Chaplin.
So today, we address the mystery of whatever did happen to that guy, and also, is he related to that famous silent film actor?
According to Ben Chaplin’s IMDb biography, he has charm to spare and unassumingly handsome looks, so I think we’ll assume that was written by a completely unbiased source. At any rate, it also claims he was born in July of 1970, which is probably true. Actually, he is rather handsome, so maybe it’s all true. And unbiased!
His father was an engineer and his mother was a drama teacher, so you’ve got to wonder how those two even met. At any rate, young Chaplin became interested in acting after being in a school play. He made his television debut in 1990, and got his first notable role in 1992.
Oh, I feel like, at this point, I probably should have mentioned that he’s British, so all of this was occurring in England, which is why you’ve never heard of Bye Bye Baby. Moving right along, he had roles in more British television series, including one called A Fatal Inversion, which alternately sounds like it is awesome or about math. In 1993, he made the leap to feature films with a role in The Remains of the Day as Charlie, Head Footman.
In 1995, people really began to notice the charming and unassumingly handsome Chaplin when he starred as Matthew in Game-On, a British TV series with an extraneous hyphen. (He was in another TV series that year, Resort to Murder, which I can only hope was about a tropical resort with murder!, as Joshua Penny. But, really, it was his role as Matthew that people, apparently, remember.)
Next up was some movie called Feast of July, followed by The Truth About Cats and Dogs, which I swear had Jeneane Garofolo in it, but I’m too lazy to look up. Also the spelling of her name.
This role was followed by Morris Townsend in 1997’s Washington Square, which is a great period piece and Jennifer Jason Leigh is so good in it, and you should watch it just for the varying shades of stink-eye that Albert Finney gives Maggie Smith alone. Really! There’s no gunfights, but it’s a good movie.
He followed that role up with The Thin Red Line, and then several movies I’ve never heard of, including 2005’s Chromophobia, which also had Ralph Fiennes and Ian Holm, so you’d think I’d’ve paid it a bit more attention, because I love those guys. He continued his streak of roles in what I can only assume are independent films, including what appears to have been a Zac Efron vehicle, Me and Orson Welles. This is seriously the first I’ve ever heard of that movie.
2009 brought Dorian Gray, which I guess I should’ve known had been made into a film, but I didn’t. In 2010, he was in Ways to Live Forever and London Boulevard. In 2011, he played Edgar Allen Poe in Twixt, which leads me to believe he is purposely picking out films that people have never heard of. (And, yes, by “people,” I mean “myself.”)
And now I’m feeling guilty about not looking up The Truth about Cats and Dogs, so it also starred Uma Thurman and it’s spelled Janeane Garofalo.
Since 2011, it looks like Chaplin has gone back to television, made another indie film and done a lot of stage work. So there you go: he’s working steadily, happily and isn’t dating Embeth Davidtz anymore. Also, I always assumed she was British, but I guess she’s American. At least I know how to spell her name, though.
I want to write a line of dialogue of such enduring beauty and skill as this screen shot from Buster Keaton’s first MGM film:
“You kill-a de monk!”
Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,
I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.
I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.
Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).
Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.
And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.
It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.
So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.
I knew I didn’t even want to watch the Karate Kid trailer, so I didn’t. I watched the A-Team trailer instead. I was pretty sure I wanted to see the A-Team movie, but now that I know there’s a part where there’s a tank and it’s parachuting and somebody is in the tank and they’re shooting the cannon of the tank while it’s falling through the sky, squee, omigod, I want to see this movie so bad.
(I mean, did you see the cast? Could they not look more like the original television cast? So! Awesome!)
Ahem. Sorry. Back to “Why I don’t want to see the Karate Kid, an essay by Lokifire.”
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Jackie Chan as much as I love Pat Morita. They’re both just So! Great! But Jackie’s in the portion of his career now where he makes movies with children and makes me cry. Why couldn’t you have invested wisely, Jackie Chan? Or maybe you could start a Jackie Chan School of Physical Acting, and people could learn from one of the masters. (Required course No. 1: “The works of Buster Keaton: they’re so awesome.”) I know you love acting, or money, or money and acting, but it’s time to stop doing movies with children.
Especially Will Smith’s children.
Especially Will Smith’s children in movies that were financed by Will Smith.
Especially when the movie bastardizes the original concept that had an actual moral lesson in exchange for ass-kicking. Not that I have anything against ass-kicking. To think that I do is just plain silly. I love nothing more than a good ass-kicking, which is why I’m sure I’ll enjoy the scenes in the A-Team where “Rampage” introduces himself: “I’m B.A. You’ll be unconscious.”
Right, right, Karate Kid (The Smiths’ version (and not the good The Smiths, like that band with that crazy bastard Morrissey in it)) and why I’m not seeing it this weekend.
Because don’t frak with the classics just because you’re making a vanity project for your kid. Call it something else, like “The kid who goes to China and meets Jackie Chan and learns how to kick ass.” Don’t call it Karate Kid. It’s not the same thing at all. You suck. I hate you.
I wish Jackie Chan was in the A-Team instead. That would be awesome.
It’s like Hollywood wants me to cry for my favorite actors as they struggle into old age on the silver screen. O! Jackie Chan! What went wrong? What went wrong?
Denzel Washington! You’re not actually one of my favorite actors at all or ever, but why are you still trying to be an action star? You’re, you know, on the downward side of decrepit. I mean, have you thought about trying the “surly father who deep down has a heart of gold, but it’s really, really deep down” roles? Maybe the “retired hitman who doesn’t kick your ass but can silence you with his glare”? Or the “disgruntled politician who is fighting for right but keeps going up against incompetents and evil bureaucracies”? I’m suggesting these options, Denzel Washington, because you have an excellent bitch-face, and I think it could be put to great use in these roles.
This weekend, Book of Eli opens. So does The Spy Next Door.
Instead of seeing these films, I’ll stay inside, weeping for the sad, sad fate of one of my heroes. (That would be Jackie Chan, who shares my admiration for the great Buster Keaton, but probably in a less girly way, although I couldn’t say for sure.)
But first, I think I’ll make fun of these two movies! That will buoy my spirits!
First off: Book of Eli. A post-apocalyptic film about a guy. With a book! And he’s willing to kill to protect it! Like me and my comic book collection! Except totally not. Unless you count my life as a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in which case it is exactly the same.
I’m not quite sure what’s going on in the trailer, but I do know if you show that many explosions and I still don’t care, you’re doing something wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. And why the slow-motion arrow? Aren’t we over that yet, Hollywood?
Also, and I believe I mentioned this in the first paragraph, but I’m too lazy to scroll up and check, why is Denzel Washington trying to be an action star at his age? Did you notice all the action scenes are shot in the shadows? That’s so we can’t see just how slowly he’s actually moving. Or that he’s beating the people not with a big, scary knife, but with his cane. Or that his stunt double looks nothing like him, because to be an action star, you really kind of have to be all youthful and shit, with the supple limbs and blah, blah, blah.
And it worries me when a trailer is like: Ooooh, starring GARY OLDMAN! and MILA KUNIS! But we only showed them for two seconds because THEY HATE THE MOVIE AS MUCH AS YOU WILL!
Moving on to The Spy Next Door (*sob*). Jackie Chan (*sob*) stars (*sob*) in one of those movies where the canny international spy/manly football player/rap star/Vin Diesel is faced with the horror-iest of all the horrors: babysitting.
You know what?
I can’t make fun of this movie. I just can’t do it. It deserves the fun-making, it really does. I mean, it’s got George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus, and if they’re slumming, then seriously —
Why, Jackie? WHYYYYYYY?
*breaks down sobbing*
Errr, boy that Book of Eli sure looks lame, huh?