Lately, you’ve decided you want to fight crime and battle evil, but you know you haven’t got the chutzpah to manage solo. Luckily for you, there’s a whole, wonderful world of sidekickery to satisfy your vigilante needs!
So who should you team up with? Well, good news! I’ve made a list of heroes who tend to work in duos or would, at least, be amenable to that sort of thing.
1. Batman. The Dark Knight seems like the kind of guy who’d prefer working solo, so he can brood and stuff, but it turns out he doesn’t mind spending time with pubescent boys! The plus side is you’d get to work with Batman. The negative side is he’d want you to wear that outfit.
2. Sherlock Holmes. Another loner type, it turns out Holmes is happiest when he has someone stupider than him hanging about so he can show off his marvelous intellect. Luckily for Holmes, everyone is stupider than him, so it’s not like he needs to slum. The plus side is now you’re John Watson! The negative side is if you’re not actually John Watson, you don’t really get to spend time with Sherlock Holmes.
3. Captain America. Captain America had Buddy, which, as a superhero sidekick name, is even worse than Robin. The plus side is Buddy totally turned evil, so Captain America is absolutely in the market for a new sidekick. The other, even better plus side is that Captain America looks like Chris Evans now. The negative side is there is no negative side. Run to him! Run to Captain America!
4. Green Arrow. Green Arrow is like Robin Hood, but he wears even more green than a man trying to blend into a forest landscape. He’s worked with Speedy and, apparently, Speedy II, because why shouldn’t sidekicks have sequels, right? The negative side is you’d probably be stuck lugging all his arrows around. I can’t think of a plus side.
5. The Green Hornet. The Green Hornet is another guy who wears green to fight crime. I’m not sure why this is a thing. I don’t know much about him, except that Bruce Lee was really great. So, actually, I don’t know anything about the Green Hornet, except that Kato was his sidekick, and Kato was great. The plus side is you’d be the new Kato. The negative side is we live in a world without Bruce Lee.
6. Superman. I know it seems like Superman works alone, because, seriously, who can keep up with a demigod who has all the superpowers? But you’re forgetting the plucky Jimmy Olsen, who is absolutely useless, but never gets laser-visioned by Supes! The plus side is you’d probably never be in danger because of your association with Superman, as you would be like a gnat compared to the monstrous villains he faces. The negative side is gnats get squished.
7. Archie. I’m just putting Archie here because I found Jughead on a list of sidekicks. They probably fight crime sometimes, I don’t know.
8. Iron Man. Iron Man is a guy who wears, like, a robot to fight crime. As War Machine, you would also get to wear a robot, and you would have an even cooler name. The plus side is those things I just listed. The negative side is wearing a robot sounds heavy.
9. The Flash. The Flash’s sidekick is Kid Flash, although I think maybe Kid Flash is the Flash now, and has a new Kid Flash? Also, doesn’t it seem like Speedy should be the Flash’s sidekick, and not Green Arrow’s? The plus side is you’d get to move at speeds that are fatal to most mortals. The negative side is you probably have to have some kind of mysterious accident, like getting struck by lightning while petting a cheetah, to gain that ability.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman doesn’t need a sidekick. Wonder Woman works alone. Wonder Woman is an Amazon goddess, and she can kick ass all on her own, unlike the boys here. The plus side is that Wonder Woman seems nice, so she’d probably let you hang around and pretend like you’re sidekicking. The negative side is seriously, kid, she can handle this on her own, so why don’t you just step out of the way?
The three best things about Marvel’s new mini-series Agent Carter are, in order, the costumes, the cars and the hair. That’s because it’s set in the 1940s, where everybody looked classy, all the time, especially criminals and badass lady secret agents.
The next best thing about Agent Carter is the titular (hee! titular!) secret agent herself, Agent Peggy Carter, who is totally ass-kicking and beautiful and funny and don’t take no crap from her stupid 1940s bosses, who are all like: “Woman, brew us some coffee, on the double!” (Although she’s terrible at fake-crying, as you find out when her friend gets murdered.)
Agent Carter (the show) reminds us that Agent Carter (the lady) was dating Captain America (the Chris Evans version), then sits back and lets the plot take over.
To tell you the truth, I’m a little confused by the plot, but maybe that’s because I missed the first 20 minutes or so. All I know is Iron Man’s grandpa (or dad, or uncle) has been (probably falsely) accused of treason or some damn thing, and Agent Carter is working with the (adorable, yet hot) butler Mr. Jarvis to clear his name, and also keep James Frain from imploding the city, and also Henry, the taxi-driver from Fringe was there. Then there’s another bad guy who has a total hard-on for shooting people right in the forehead, leaving perfect little holes and barely any blood and definitely no brain splatter, because that is exactly what happens when you get shot in the head, and also Agent Carter’s coworkers are a bunch of chauvinist pigs, because it was the 1940s and feminism hadn’t been invented yet.
Also, Ray Wise shows up, and I’m just going to call him as the big baddie right now, because why would you hire Ray Wise to not play a bad guy?
Anyhow, there’s a lot of punching and shooting and fast driving in beautiful cars, and there’s even knockout lipstick, because of course there is, so Agent Carter is definitely better than Gotham, and, I might even go so far as to say, probably worth watching.
Snowpiercer! doesn’t actually have an exclamation point in it, but I’m just so excited.
Sure, I didn’t get to see it on the big screen, because my state would never get an interesting movie that only appeals to a small audience, and also is dragging their heels on gay marriage. (I mean, c’mon! Wyoming is allowing gay marriage now! We’ve been beaten by Wyoming! With any luck, we could at least be less bigoted than, say, Texas?)
Anyway, though, Snowpiercer!, the movie I saw on the little screen, is really quite cool and good. It’s got, like, a metric shit-ton of great actors in it (and I just want to say to everyone how disappointed I am that nobody can seem to remember that Chris Evans is actually a really good actor; he might be Capt. America, but he’s also a guy who loves small sci-fi flicks, and is wonderful).
Some people complained that the conceit of the train cars was too weird, but I can see how each separate train car would be its own little universe. Also, it’s kind of a metaphor, so run with it, you know? Some people also complained that Tilda Swinton’s acting choices were a bit off, but I thought it was because her character was supposed to be a bit off. I mean, everybody on the train was nuts; that’s what happens when all of humanity gets trapped on a train that goes round the world every year. So I thought her characterization was just fine, and also enjoyed her terrific dentures. That was great.
Also, the ending. (Note: spoiler alerts abound in this paragraph, so, I guess, close your eyes if you don’t want to know.) The ending is: Chris Evans gets his arm ripped off in a Chekhov’s gun sort of way (he’d been bemoaning have two arms the whole movie, and everybody is like, “why?”, but it’s because everybody else chopped off their arms to help ward off starvation, and he was too cowardly), Kang-ho Song blows up the train…
…and everybody dies, except two kids who wander out into the snow, presumably to freeze to death, but then they see a polar bear, so maybe it’s warm enough for humans to survive.
I want to see Snowpiercer. I want to see Snowpiercer so bad. I want to live in a state that will be getting Snowpiercer, so I could go see it. I want one of you to go and see it and record it on your cell phone and send it to me and I will watch it, out-of-focus, popcorn-crunching and all.
I’d been thinking about seeing The Winter Soldier because I enjoy Chris Evans’ face and also his physique, but then it turns out he’s not retiring from acting so now I don’t have to go.
So, I didn’t actually go see The Avengers last weekend. (I know. It was just me, your little brother Timmy [who was grounded anyway] and the crazy cat lady from down the street.) But I figured they deserve to be honored for soundly trouncing box office records for an opening weekend, and so I am honoring them, as such, by having them face off against another team that starts with an “A.” That team is … the A-Team.
(Yes, I know you can read and, thus, knew that from the post title, but I put a lot of thought into this intro, so please be patient.)
Speaking of intros, the Avengers are self-explanatory, because you all went to see their movie last weekend (unless you didn’t, in which case, hi, Crazy Cat Lady!), but for those of who who a) don’t remember the ’80s; b) didn’t exist in the ’80s; c) I hate you, get off my lawn, the A-Team (which was also a [less successful] movie recently) was a team comprised of Hannibal, Mr. T and some other guys, who went around helping people on the sly after being accused of a crime they didn’t commit. (In the ’80s, people were always getting accused of crimes they didn’t commit. It was a whole thing.)
On to the battle!
Physicality. The Avengers are comprised of Iron Man, The (Incredible) Hulk, Thor, Captain America and that chick in a leather suit. Oh, and I guess Hawkeye, the one I forgot about because they didn’t make a movie about him first and also, who remembers the guy without superpowers?
Anyway, they’re all very attractive people, because nobody makes a summer blockbuster about average-looking people. That would be crazy. The A-Team, as previously mentioned, features Mr. T (not the character’s name, but does anybody remember the character’s name?), Murdock (who’s kind of goofy-looking), a white fox named Hannibal Smith and a guy so ’80s-style hot his nickname was “Face.” Winners? I can’t help but notice The Avengers are all very whitebread, which I guess I should expect for a team made up of Norse gods and American Nazi-fighting supermen, so I feel like I should give this win to the A-Team for being more ethnically diverse, at least, but then I look at Chris Evans and I go “guhhhhhhhhh” because have you seen that man? So, to reiterate: Winners? The Avengers.
Has superpowers? The A-Team doesn’t have superpowers, unless you count the power to make things and people explode without actually getting killed good and dead or even hurt very badly. (God bless the ’80s and its magnificent explosions.) The Avengers does have superpowers, except for Hawkeye, who just has good aim; Black Widow, who only needs to look good in leather; and Tony Stark, who has a super-powered suit. Still, they do have Thor, who is a Marvel-ized version of a Norse god; The (Incredible) Hulk, who has the superpower of being a hideous monster; and Captain America, who has the superpower of getting injected with some sort of serum that gives you … eh … superpowers. That’s more than the A-Team has, superpowerwise, for sure. Winners? The Avengers.
To be fair here, has Mr. T? I pity the team that doesn’t get to hang with Mr. T. Winners? The A-Team.
To be even more fair, managed to avoid the fate of having to deal with an “actress”? The A-Team was supposed to feature Tia Carrere as a member of the team in later seasons, but she was under contract to some soap opera or another, so they dodged that bullet. The Avengers have Scarlet Johansson on their team, who portrays a Russian about as convincingly as I do. Winners? The A-Team.
Fights a more evil foe? To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure who The Avengers are supposed to be fighting. Aliens? Loki? Nazis? I do know that the A-Team was on the run from the American military (for that crime they didn’t commit, remember), and that a lot of people think the military is evil. Not me, though. I’m patriotic all the way. I’m even waving a tiny American flag right now. God Bless the USA!
Winners? Eh, the Avengers?
Has a scarier boss? The Avengers’ boss is Nick Fury, a man who’s so scary his last name is Fury and they could only cast Samuel L. Jackson, legally, to play him. He’s just that scary. The A-Team is usually bossed around by Hannibal, but sometimes they work under a mean old general. Unfortunately for them in this here category, that mean old general was not played by Samuel L. Jackson. Probably because he was, like, 12 or something. Winners? The Avengers.
Met Boy George? Shut up, you kids, and enjoy this link to Karma Chameleon. At any rate, The Avengers did not meet Boy George, unless he has a cameo in the movie that no one mentioned. The A-Team did. Also, they got to meet Hulk Hogan. Winners? The A-Team.
Met Stan Lee? It’s a Marvel movie, of course they did. Winners? The Avengers.
Would be awesome as a team of little people? Actually, The Avengers would be pretty awesome as a team of little people, as would every team, except possibly basketball teams, I suppose. However, only the A-Team has photographic evidence of exactly how awesome they would be as a team of little people. Winners? The A-Team. Also, the Internet.
Overall winners? Yes, despite me choosing the A-Team precisely so I had an excuse to re-use that awesome photo, they are no match for the awesome might of The Avengers. I mean, those guys beat Harry Potter and stuff! Winners? The Avengers.
A conceit I hate in rom-coms is the “omigod I’ve only got X amount of time to net me a man or I’ll be single forever AAAAAHHHHH.”
(I also hate the “casting Goldie Hawn’s daughter constantly” conceit, but that’s kind of two sides of the same coin.)
What’s Your Number? stars Anna Faris (who is supposed to be very funny and, thus, wasted in this role, apparently) as some chick who reads some stupid article about the number of lovers you’re supposed to have and decides that she has to go and track down all her ex-boyfriends for some reason. Because why not take the word of some women’s magazine article as gospel, right? Because you don’t want to be alone forever AAAAAAHHHH, right?
Also, if Captain America is your neighbor, what the hell are you looking for other men for? Unless he’s stuck in the thankless role of “gay best friend,” all your wooing should be saved for him.
Anyway, I guess this could be a funny movie (because it’s always funny when you have to talk to your exes, ha ha ha, seriously, stop trying to contact me) but from what I’ve heard, it’s not.
So if you live in a city that got Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, go see that instead, and tell me how it was.
I recently re-watched the great outer space flick Sunshine and I noticed a thing I had never noticed before.
The guy who plays Mace is Captain America!
Admittedly, probably the reason I never noticed that the first time I watched it was because he hadn’t been cast as Captain America yet, and also I was too busy gazing at Cillian Murphy.
The point of this point is that Chris Evans is really handsome.