Notify this!
So I’ve been looking for the perfect notification alert. The one that encapsulates, you know, me. My essence.
I started with Gunter’s “wenk wenk” from Adventure Time.
“Actually, I sound like a bit like a goose.”
I tried the opening from Cowboy Bebop’s Tank!. (No, the exclamation point is really in the song title.)
3 2 1, Let’s Jam!
I gave the Knights Who say “Ni” saying “Ni!” a go.
On my phone, “Ni!” sounds more like *fart noise*.
Anyway, now I’ve got the sound of Pacman dying.
Eh, close enough.
Bob Belcher vs. Sterling Malory Archer
It’s a battle of veritable cartoon giants! Mostly because I wanted to use the word “veritable”!
In one corner, you’ve got restaurateur Bob Belcher. In the other corner, you’ve got superspy Sterling Archer. What could these two gents possibly have in common?
Outside of gorgeous voices, not bloody much.
I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.
I mean, one guy runs a restaurant and one guy’s an international man of mystery! They have, almost literally, nothing in common!
Anyway, on to the possibly lopsided battle!
Physicality. Bob Belcher has a glorious, glorious mustache. I like using the word glorious to describe facial hair. Maybe you could tell. He’s a tad overweight and going a bit bald in back, and he seems pretty hairy. Sterling Archer has a strong jawline, jet-black hair and a cartoon physique to kill for. He would be the most attractive cartoon man ever, except Spike Spiegel exists. Winner? Spike Spiegel, because he’s the handsomest cartoon ever, and I will always love him.
I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel.
Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?Better cook? Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. He makes burgers. Not just any burgers. Super gourmet burgers, with puns. Archer has a heroin-addicted houseboy (houseoldman?) to cook for him. Winner? Bob Belcher.
I hear they’re coming out with a cookbook. I can’t wait!
Better spy? Sterling Malory Archer (codename: Duchess) is the world’s most dangerous spy. Mostly due to friendly fire incidents, but still. Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. Winner? Sterling Archer.
Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably … spying?
Runs a burger restaurant? This one time, Sterling Archer got amnesia from the trauma of his mother getting married, and he ran away and changed his name to Bob and ran a burger restaurant. True story! Winner? It’s a tie!
Here’s my “pix or it didn’t happen” pic.
Better dressed? Bob Belcher mostly wears an apron, but he cleans up okay for nights out with the lady. (The lady would be Linda Belcher, his wife, obviously.)
I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.
Sterling Archer has, like, 20 black turtlenecks of varying shades of black, and also a bunch of fancy spy clothes. Winner? Sterling Archer.
Here’s Sterling Archer, lookin’ good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don’t know, let’s say … Brett?
Better parent? Bob Belcher, unlike his spiritual successor, Homer Simpson, is not a moron. Also, he never strangles his children for comedic effect. Also, his three kids all seem relatively well-adjusted and like they actually love their parents and *sniff* I wish I was a Belcher!!! Sterling Archer recently discovered he’s the birth father of former flame and current coworker Lana Kane’s adorable daughter. He’s doing his best, but the thing is, Sterling Archer is a horrible, terrible, selfish, awful person. Winner? Bob Belcher.
Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue — successfully, I believe — would be considered child abuse.
It’s a tie! Thanks to dark horse Spike Spiegel winning a category out of nowhere, yes. Yes, it is. On to the tiebreaker!
Better backup in a fight? Sure, this category seems like a gimme for Sterling Archer, what with his fancy spy training and his underwear gun and his complete and utter disregard for his own life, but he’s an awful, terrible, horrible, selfish person. Bob Belcher is no Krav Maga-trained superman, and he’s even pooped his pants in a fight, but God bless ‘im, that man would have your back. Winner? Nah, sorry, Bob, but this goes to Archer. You pooped your pants in a fight! How could anyone count on you?
Overall winner? Sterling Archer, by a sexy black turtleneck.
And he knows it, too.
Extant is pretty all right, yeah?
Seriously, the longer I continue this blog, the harder it is to write good post titles, I swear.
Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?
Anyway, I missed the pilot of Extant, which would have told me that Halle Berry is an astronaut and managed to get pregnant on a solo mission to outer space. Also, I will assume that you’re all bright enough to know that Extant means “to exist.”
Ha, I’m just kidding. Obviously, I didn’t assume that, since I went and defined it, like, immediately.
So, episode 2 of Extant was “Extinct,” because CBS hates when I don’t mix up words all the time. Halle Berry plays an astronaut who got pregnant on a solo mission in outer space (see, I phrased it a bit differently this time, like when a news article says the bullets missed them by only inches and then two paragraphs later says they were missed by the bullets by mere inches, local newspaper). Also, Halle Berry looks AMAZING, like, girlfriend is pushing 50, but looks more like early 30s.
Insert Dorian Gray joke here.
She’s married to Goran Visnjic, whose name I can pronounce but not spell —
“Well, I find THAT hard to believe.” — Ian McKellan McKellen
— and they have a creepy android son, who I assume was actually built for the part, because that little boy is absolutely terrifyingly android-y.
“Bleep Bloop Blorp.”
Also, Camryn Manheim is in it, which is nice, and so is that guy who always plays a corrupt official and also the revenge sensei from Revenge.
This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.
Then there’s another astronaut who went into space and didn’t come back pregnant, because he’s a guy, and this show isn’t that science fiction-y, but there’s a truly creepy bit where he’s being followed around on the spaceship or space station or the Good Ship Bebop or whatever by his dead mother. She doesn’t do anything except say “Mother? No,” in this utterly affectless voice, and reach out to try to touch him, and it’s really quite terrifying.
But then he airlocks her like she’s yesterday’s Cylon model, so it’s okay.
“I’d have done it sooner, but he shows promise.” — President Roslin
Oh, also, he apparently faked his death and is possibly crazy now.
Except the corrupt official and the revenge sensei meet regarding the two astronauts and have a very cryptic meeting wherein the corrupt official says, “They’re coming,” and revenge sensei replies: “They’re already here.”
Spooooooky!
But seriously, folks, Extant had me intrigued almost the whole time, and was hardly ever ridiculously bad or boringly bad, and honestly, I’m not sure I couldn’t watch a show where Goran Visnjic is just so smiley and cute, dammit.
“You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you.” — Goran Visnjic
Ein vs. Scooby-Doo
It’s a battle of fictional puppies!
One travels the country by van, solving crimes with a bunch of hippies.
Seriously, who grabs a Great Dane, a van and their friends and starts solving crimes?
One traverses the solar system in a spaceship, tracking criminals with a bunch of bounty hunters.
I always thought Spike was taller.
Which dog is more awesome? You’re about to find out.
Physicality. Scooby-Doo is a cartoon Great Dane. Ein is a cartoon Welsh Corgi. Have you ever seen a Welsh Corgi? They’ve got these stubby little legs and these ears that stick up and soooo cute. Winner? Ein.
Aww! (To the nth degree)
Smarter? Scooby-Doo can talk a bit, although his enunciation suffers due to his lack of lips. Ein can’t talk, but he knows more about computers than you do. Especially if you’re my mom. Winner? Ein.
He can even fly a spaceship.
Has been to Mars? Ein’s been to Mars. Not Scooby, though. Winner? Ein.
“I went to Mars and all I got was this lousy dog dish.”
Visits a lot of abandoned theme parks? Only once in Cowboy Bebop does anybody go visit an abandoned theme park, and nobody thinks to bring Ein with them when they do. Probably because of the brutal assassin lying in wait, but still. On the other hand, Scooby-Doo and the gang practically live in abandoned theme parks. Abandoned theme parks are their bread and butter. Winner? Scooby-Doo.
Gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel? I want to hang out with Spike Spiegel. Winner? Ein.
… well, maybe if he lays off the smoking.
Eats on a regular basis? Once, Ein got to eat a hallucinogenic mushroom. Otherwise, he’s about as hungry as the rest of the Bebop crew. Scooby gets Scooby snacks and also whatever else he and Shaggy can fit in their craws. Winner? Scooby.
“If they didn’t keep me well-fed, I’d probably eat Velma first.”
Solves more crimes? Scooby-Doo and the gang often solve crimes. It’s, like, their thing. Ein and the crew of the Bebop don’t really solve crimes. They just try to capture criminals for the bounties on their heads, and they’re not really all that good at that. Winner? Scooby-Doo.
Better theme song? The Scooby-Doo theme is very catchy and wonderful, but it’s no Tank!, am I right?
Overall winner? Ein, the second-best character in Cowboy Bebop.
Princess Leia vs. Turanga Leela
Here’s a battle between two lovely ladies for your reading pleasure. What do Leia Organa and Turanga Leela have in common, you ask?
Leela and Leia kind of sound alike, that’s what.
On to the battle!
Physicality. One is a young Carrie Fisher with either really long hair or a late 20th-century weave. The other is a Cyclops that is also a cartoon. Winner? Hey, who doesn’t find cartoons attractive? … Seriously, though, it’s a tie.
There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he’s this awesome.
Is an interstellar space princess? Again with the redundancy, but I really enjoy saying “interstellar space.” Anywho, you know who’s an interstellar space princess? Princess Leia! Princess Leia is an interstellar space princess. Winner? Princess Leia!
They don’t get more interstellar space princess-y than that!
Is a sewer-dwelling mutant? Hey, Leela doesn’t live in the sewers! But her parents do, and sometimes she visits, so we’ll call it “close enough.” Winner? Turanga Leela!
Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.
Has a ray gun? Everybody in the future has ray guns! Also, people living long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. They also have ray guns. Winner? Everybody wins when they’ve got ray guns!
Ray gun!
Ray gun! (Again.)
Has a better romantic interest? Princess Leia’s romantic interest is Han Solo. They’ve got a will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, and it turns out they totally will, and everybody went squeeeeee! Han Solo is an interstellar space pirate who looks like a young Harrison Ford. Turanga Leela’s romantic is Philip J. Fry, a sweet-natured, slightly dim 20th century boy who ended up in the future through a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a wee bit short. Princess Leia.
Although, let it never be said that I wasn’t rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.
Travels through space? In the future and also, apparently, in the past, everybody travels through space.
Winner? It’s a tie.
Looks good in a Slave Leia costume? If you’d think the winner would be obvious, then you haven’t see this image before:
Mrow!
Winner? Another tie!
Oh, of course we weren’t getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.
Fights an epic evil? If by “fights an epic evil,” you mean “delivers packages to other planets,” then, yes, Turanga Leela fights an epic evil. But you don’t mean that, so: Winner? Princess Leia.
Pilots an interstellar delivery ship? Man, if there’s one thing Star Wars fans would love to see, it would be Princess Leia piloting an interstellar delivery ship. Unfortunately, she doesn’t, so they can’t. Winner? Turanga Leela.
Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.
Overall winner? Princess Leia coasts in to the finish line with a slight lead by having the good fortune to fall in love with Han Solo. (I’m not sure why I went with the finish line metaphor, because then these would be fictional character races, not fictional character battles, but we’ll just chalk that one up to creative license, eh?)
Squeeee! Quoth everyone.
A love letter to the future from 1990s me
Dear The Future,
I love you!
You don’t realize how awful it is, living here in the 1990s, and liking things like Japanese cartoons and indie rock bands and Sherlock Holmes and nobody in Britain is making a brilliant series starring my perfect man about him! I mean, every store I go to has (at most) three anime titles and they’re on a shelf marked “Japanamation” because someone once thought that would be a clever portmanteau, little realizing how absolutely wrong they were.
Hell, Cowboy Bebop won’t even show up until the end of the decade. The 1990s were a miserable time.
And don’t get me started, The Future, on how hard it is to find decent music in the 1990s. It’s like if I don’t like (insert popular song from the 1990s), then I have to go to the local record store, special order The Wrens newest album and then wait 15 years for them to record another!
And then it’s a LIVE album and it’s doesn’t even have that much new material, not that I’m complaining….
It’s hard living in the 1990s, The Future! And that’s why I love you.
Because you’re coming in to save me, with your iTunes and your Amazon and your eBay and your YouTube. Everything I could possibly want or care about is right at my fingertips! Also, that thing I said earlier about Sherlock Holmes!
Huzzah for the future!
Huzzah for the BBC!
You have everything, The Future, except for hoverboards and flying cars, and I want you to know that’s OK. It’s not true love without a bit of disappointment here and there. And it’s not like I want you to change, but if you want to change (and get me some hoverboards and flying cars), then that would be OK too.
Oh, and if you could try to look a little less ridiculous while you’re wearing your flying car, that would really impress my mom.
Thanks for everything, The Future. I mean it.
Things that I will always love more than you
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Faye Valentine vs. Winry Rockbell
Faye Valentine is the busty, space-traveling, cyber-sleeping, con artist-ing sex symbol of Cowboy Bebop. (Well, the sex symbol for those who swing that way, because we all know there’s no sexier anime character than Spike Spiegel.)
Mrow.
Winry Rockbell is the blonde, wrench-swinging, automail-repairing, bandana-wearing … er … chick from Fullmetal Alchemist. There are other female characters in Fullmetal Alchemist, but Winry just seems like the one who’s best described as a “chick,” you know?
Yes, I'm a little afraid to describe Riza Hawkeye as a "chick."
What do these two ladies have in common?
Outside of being drawn in Japan, I can't think of anything.
Blondes have more fun or something.
Probably not much, actually, but all my guy friends seem to think Winry is sexy for some damn reason, so let’s battle to see where my true bias lays.
Physicality. Faye Valentine is a tall, dark-haired drink of water who manages to look good in a weird yellow jumpsuit thing with these suspenders and why does she even bother wearing that red jacket if she’s not going to cover her shoulders? Winry Rockbell is tall (-er than Edward Elric), blonde and … actually, that’s all that sticks out for me. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Is a more badass chick? Faye Valentine travels through space, seeking bounties, pulling cons and shooting people with her spaceship’s laser gun. When she makes a confession of love, she does it by shooting at you, because that is how she rolls. Winry Rockbell learned how to fix automail from her Granny Pinako, and is an orphan. She has the opportunity to avenge the hell out of her parents’ death by shooting the guy who murdered them, but she doesn’t do it. While that seems markedly un-badass, you have to keep in mind that the guy was right there and could totally have killed her with his superpowers, so that takes some balls. Winner? Faye Valentine, because Winry is just so damn vanilla.
I mean for Godsakes, Winry, he's practically got a target RIGHT THERE.
Is constantly being put into danger and having to be rescued by the men in her life? Actually, this happens less than you’d expect for the whole anime/manga genre. Sure, both Faye and Winry are put into danger, especially Faye, who’s really good at getting herself into all kinds of trouble, and sometimes the guys give them a helping hand, but most of the time these ladies are handling themselves just fine. Winner? Winry, actually, because the evil homunculus conspiracy is totally using her as a hostage against our boys Al and Ed.
Has better fashion sense? Faye’s outfit sucks. There, I said it. It’s bright yellow and the jacket is useless. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly with a capital FUGLY. On the other hand, Winry usually wears a boob tube with purple pants and a bandana. Winner? Nobody. Ick. Someone get these ladies to an outlet store, stat.
Has massive boobage? Boobage is totally a word, right? The one good point about Faye’s ugly, ugly yellow outfit is that it conforms to every curve of that woman’s rockingly-drawn body. And when I say she has massive boobage, I don’t say it lightly. Also, she spends a lot of time in outer space, so it’s not like she’s going to get saggy any time soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because I wasn’t exactly subtle, here. Winry is, like, 15 or 16, and thus probably not done developing. If she has massive boobage, it’s hidden under her overalls anyway. But I don’t think she does. Winner? Faye Valentine.
In fact, thank GOD for the cold vacuum of space, because otherwise she would just have the worst backaches.
Owns an interstellar space vehicle? I don’t think Winry owns a vehicle, let alone one that is capable of interstellar travel. Faye, however, has a cool space vehicle, so she wins. Winner? I just said Faye wins.
I guess I didn't realize it was called "The Redtail."
Looks pretty damn good for a lady of over 70? Faye Valentine was in a horrible space travel accident when she was young and was put into cyrogenic sleep until … I don’t know, she could be operated on or it was convenient to the plot, whatever. So, while she looks like a lovely young lass of about 23, she’s actually a wretched old woman of about 77. Winry is totally the age she is, which is teenaged. Man, I hate teenagers. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Would be more fun to take gambling? Faye Valentine is a compuslive gambler. I would go as far as to say she has a gambling addiction. That said, she seems like a lot of fun to hang around and is pretty good in a fight. I don’t know if Winry gambles. Winner? Faye Valentine, as long as you don’t lend her any of your money for your fun night out.
Plus, she cleans up pretty good, am I right, guys?
Hangs out with Spike Spiegel? Faye Valentine is the lucky woman who gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel and not get murdered to hell by the interstellar Mafia.
Julia? Not so lucky.
The sad news for her is that she’s really poor at expressing her love, so she and Spike never hook up. Winry lives in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, which, while cool enough, is not populated by the likes of Spike Spiegel. Thus, she loses this category. Winner? Faye.
Look at this their backs are touching omigod bonus points for this pose squee!
Now you’ll have a category saying “hangs out with Edward Elric,” right? Actually, I won’t, because there’s just no comparison between Spike Spiegel and Edward Elric. It’s like a wolf fighting a gnat, you know?
I'm not saying Edward's not as cute as a button, because he is. He's just no Spike Spiegel.
Also, I just don’t like that damn Winry.
Aha! Eh, I think it was pretty clear from the way I tried to stack these categories in Faye’s favor, anyway.
It’s true. Totally true.
Overall winner? Faye Valentine, because my friends can go suck.
Now THAT is a girl I'd take to the opera.
Things I can’t compete with
When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.
Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.
Hollywood Hates Me 