With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.
Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.
1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.
2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.
3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.
4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.
5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”
6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!
7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”
8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.
9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”
10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.