Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?
Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.
Dear Jareth, the Goblin King,
You are exactly what I always imagined a goblin king would be like. Tall, crazy-eyed and beautiful. You are, in short, my perfect goblin king.
I love you.
If you kidnapped my baby half-brother and said you were going to turn him into a goblin, I’d be all: “OK, sure, fine, but when do we get to the enchanted ball and the dancing?”
If you forced me into a labyrinth with tons of Muppets and swamps of eternal stench, I’d be like: “Look, I’m only going through this labyrinth to get to the castle of Jareth, the Goblin King, because I love him.”
If you wanted to sing me songs about how you’re only doing this for me, I’d be all: “…” because I’d be too busy listening to you sing to talk. Unless some of those damn Muppets started yammering on, and then I’d be like: “Shut up, you! The Goblin King is singing.”
If you wanted me to look like Jennifer Connelly, I’d be all: “Just rub the camera lens with some Vaseline or whatever, and you’ll never be able to tell the difference.”
Anyway, Jareth, the Goblin King, I just want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you, and the world is a colder, darker place without a David Bowie in it.