Goddamn this year

December 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?

CARRIE FISHER?

Princess Leia?

Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.

I salute you, General Leia.

I salute you, General Leia.

 

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A love letter to Jareth, the Goblin King

February 4, 2016 at 12:07 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Jareth, the Goblin King,

You are exactly what I always imagined a goblin king would be like. Tall, crazy-eyed and beautiful. You are, in short, my perfect goblin king.

I also admire your eclectic taste in hairstyles.

I also admire your eclectic taste in hairstyles.

I love you.

If you kidnapped my baby half-brother and said you were going to turn him into a goblin, I’d be all: “OK, sure, fine, but when do we get to the enchanted ball and the dancing?”

"I hope it's soon!"

“I hope it’s soon!”

If you forced me into a labyrinth with tons of Muppets and swamps of eternal stench, I’d be like: “Look, I’m only going through this labyrinth to get to the castle of Jareth, the Goblin King, because I love him.”

"Although a map would help. Seriously."

“Although a map would help. Seriously.”

If you wanted to sing me songs about how you’re only doing this for me, I’d be all: “…” because I’d be too busy listening to you sing to talk. Unless some of those damn Muppets started yammering on, and then I’d be like: “Shut up, you! The Goblin King is singing.”

"Seriously, you damn Muppets. I will cut you."

“Seriously, you damn Muppets. I will cut you.”

If you wanted me to look like Jennifer Connelly, I’d be all: “Just rub the camera lens with some Vaseline or whatever, and you’ll never be able to tell the difference.”

Pictured here: My long-lost twin.

Pictured here: My long-lost twin.

Anyway, Jareth, the Goblin King, I just want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you, and the world is a colder, darker place without a David Bowie in it.

It's been hard to process your loss, Rock God I Didn't Know Personally.

It’s been hard to process your loss, Rock God I Didn’t Know Personally. I’ll miss you.

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Songs to woo your superpowered lover by

June 11, 2010 at 6:46 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

It’s hard finding the right way to let your superhero significant other know you’re thinking of them (in a super way). But I feel your pain, and I am here to help.

Through the power … of music!

Here’s a list of 10 songs that kind of maybe have something to do with superheroes, or I like to think that a superhero would like them.

1. Four Color Love Story by The Metasciences. OK, this song is actually from the point of view of the superhero, but I still think it’s a great way to acknowledge that you’re living in a comic book, and you’re in love.

Sample line: “If you’ll keep my identity a secret, then you will know the touch beneath my glove. I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers, but you’re the only girl I’ll ever love.”

Bonus points for: listing super significant others, like Elektra, Lois Lane, Gwen Stacy and Sue Dibney. (She’s Elongated Man’s wife. Please pick up a DC comic book.)

Don't say, "But who's the Elongated Man?" Now you're just trying to piss me off.

2. Sunshine Superman by Donovan. Sometimes we all feel a little insecure. Donovan did. But you need to let your superlover know that you are awesome, and here’s a good groovy way to do it.

Sample line: “Superman and Green Lantern ain’t got nothing on me.”

Bonus points for: “I’ll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind.” That Donovan had some sexifyin’ goin’ on, baby.

3. Jimmy Olsen’s Blues by Spin Doctors. Sometimes, you just need to let your lover know you’re willing to go the extra distance to win her over, and that includes incapacitating the competition with their only weakness.

Sample line: “Come on downtown and stay with me tonight. I have got a pocketful of kryptonite.”

I don't know. Kryptonian or no, having this stuff in your pocket doesn't seem like it would do wonders for your sperm count there, Jimmy.

Bonus points for: the goofy beards.

4. Back Before We were Brittle by Say Hi. Boy, it’s sure been a long time since I mentioned Eric Elbogen (marry me, Eric! I love you!!). This song is for when you and your superspouse have hung up the capes for good, and need to reminisce.

Sample line: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Have lunch on skyscrapers? Bring the villains to their knees? Maybe we should move someplace new and build a time machine to to go and get us back. Back before we were brittle.”

Bonus points for: Being a song by the perfect man, Eric Elbogen. (Call me!)

I mean it, Eric Elbogen, I think we would be great friends.

5. Spiderman by The Ramones. OK, this song works best if you’re specifically dating Spiderman, so you could be all like, “Look what happens when your theme song is in the right hands?” But it also works for anyone who loves The Ramones. (That’s everybody, right?)

Sample lyric: “Spiderman, Spiderman, friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Is he strong? Listen, bud: he’s got radioactive blood.”

Bonus points for: I miss The Ramones. How many are left? Two? One? Is it one?

A moment of silence for the dead Ramones and the ones that I can't remember if they're dead or not.

6. Birdman Kicked My Ass by Wesley Willis. If your super loved one is being tormented by a supervillain, or is just on their merry way to a psychotic break (like the very excellent Mssr. Willis), this is the song for them.

Sample line: “Birdman caught me on his property. He saw me trespassing his real estate. He reached in his pocket for a pistol. He came after me and pistol-whipped my behind. Birdman kicked my ass.”

Bonus points for: The Power of Awesome.

Wesley wielded it like none before and none since.

7. I Am Superman by R.E.M. Eh, your super significant other will like this song because “Superman” and “R.E.M.”

Sample line: “I am, I am, I am Superman, and I know what’s happening.”

Bonus points: For being one of the few R.E.M. songs from that era where you can mostly understand what Michael Stipe is saying.

8. Batdance by Prince. Sometimes, you just need to find out if the superhero you’re dating is funky. This is the best way.

Sample line: “Stop the press, who is that?”

Bonus points for: Doing a whole album of music for the Tim Burton film. Also, for being Prince.

God bless Purple Rain.

9. “Heroes” by David Bowie. This song lets your caped crusading darling know that, even though you’re not out there fighting crime too, the both of you are heroes.

Sample line: “We can be heroes. Just for one day.”

Bonus points for: Hello, it’s Bowie!

10. My Hero by Foo Fighters. Hey, maybe the one you love doesn’t actually have superpowers. Or an arsenal of bat-themed weapons. Or the build to wear a spandex or leather suit. This song lets them know that’s OK.

Sample line: “There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. There goes my hero. He’s ordinary.”

Bonus points: for having a kickass video, just like all the Foo ones. It makes me miss the days of music videos.

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