Digging too Deeply: Me Too
Lately, my daughter has been listening to a lot of terrible pop music. I assume it’s her father’s influence, because I only like things that are good, like Battlefield Baseball and the scene in Evil Dead 2 where you can see the rope holding up Bruce Campbell.
I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms.”
Anyway, the song my daughter likes now is this total earworm by Meghan Trainor, Me Too, so I thought, hey, while it’s stuck in my head for the rest of my life, why not analyze the lyrics, huh?
We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.
So we’ll do just that.
Who’s that sexy thing I see over there?
That’s me, standin’ in the mirror
What’s that icy thing hangin’ ’round my neck?
That’s gold, show me some respect
This is an odd little beginning, because I think Meghan Trainor is looking at herself in the mirror while wearing a gold necklace, and she is talking to herself. And she is disrespecting herself while doing so.
“Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin’ me?”
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh
Yes, she is definitely alone.
Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
And here, she’s speaking to a hypothetical “you,” telling them that she understands their desire to be her, because she is awesome. So awesome that she has to say she would wanna be herself too SIX TIMES.
“I should really probably fire my stylist, though.”
I walk in like a dime piece
I go straight to V.I.P.
I never pay for my drinks
My entourage behind me
My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise
So bless me, baby, achoo
And even if they tried to
They can’t do it like I do
Here, I had to turn to Google, because I am an old person, and when I saw “dime piece,” I thought it meant “dime bag,” and we were talking weed all of a sudden. But it turns out that a dime piece is just a really sexy woman. So Meghan Trainor (who, you might remember, is conversing with a reflection of herself) asserts here that she walks into places like one fine piece of tail (see? old person talk, right there.), heading straight to the important person section, where her drinks are all free (or at least billed to her accountant), with an entourage behind her.
For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.
Then I think she has a seizure or something, because the next section is a bit of a mess: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise, So bless me, baby, achoo.” What the hell does that even mean?
“Sometimes even I sneeze too?”
Then she reminds us that she is awesome, and we should all be so lucky as to be her:
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uhIf I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
Again, SIX TIMES.
Meghan Trainor then invites us to turn the bass up …
(Turn the bass up)
Turn the bass up
(Turn the bass up)
Let’s go!
… which seems like a good idea, because these lyrics are seriously just the worst.
Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.
The song wraps up with this sentiment once again:
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uhIf I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
That’s TWELVE TIMES. TWELVE TIMES that Meghan Trainor says she’d want to be herself too, were she someone else. You know what that’s called? That’s called overcompensation. So Meghan Trainor isn’t really saying “you should aspire to be me, because I am awesome,” she is saying “my life is terrible ever since I sold out to The Man, I’m so lonely and my self-esteem is suffering, please won’t someone see this as the cry for help that it is?”
Either that, or she’s actually saying: “I’m too famous to bother memorizing lyrics, so let’s just go with this, okay?”
You know, she looks, just, so tired. It’s probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.
Ash vs. Evil Dead is no Evil Dead 2, but it’s still good
Well, I finally watched the first episode of Ash vs. Evil Dead, which for some reason I thought was called Ash vs. the Evil Dead, so now don’t I feel stupid.
“And well you should.”
We learn that it’s thirty years after the events of the original Evil Dead (and possibly Evil Dead 2, because the flashbacks kind of combine the two), and also that Army of Darkness never happened, which is all right because it’s the second best one anyway.
It’s a controversial opinion, I know, but one I stand by.
Ash lives in a trailer court, wears a girdle and works for Valu-Mart, or something like that (again, because Army of Darkness never happened, so there’s no such thing as shopping smart at S-Mart), and also he’s gotten into the habit of picking up strange women in bars and spanking them with his wooden hand.
Anyway, he accidentally unleashes the Candarian demons, whom we’re calling Deadites now, apparently, so maybe Army of Darkness did happen?, and this beautiful lady cop and her red-shirt partner get called to the crime scene and fight Candarian Deadites, and the partner gets all possessed and killed and the lady cop gets to meet Lucy Lawless, so, all things considered, she really comes out ahead.
Seeing this picture, I’m the happiest I’ll ever be.
Then Ash decides he needs to flee the ancient evil that’s pursuing him, like that ever works, but it’s mostly so he can have a brief hero’s journey from coward to badass Ash. Also, he gets attacked by a tiny doll, and he pratfalls like a damn pro, and instead of fleeing, he has to kill his possessed neighbor, and then he goes for THE CHAINSAW HAND…
… and then I had to fan myself because, boy, is it getting hot in here or what?
…but he has to kill another possessed neighbor to get it, which is too bad, because she was totally cleaning his trailer house for him, and then at the end, his two coworkers are all like, “How do you feel?” And he’s all like: “Groovy.”
Groovy indeed, Ash. Groovy indeed.
Celebrating an important day
I know it’s a day early, everyone, but I’m sure you’re all just as excited about this special day as I am, so…
HAPPY ASH VS. THE EVIL DEAD DAY!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
I don’t actually care about the Evil Dead remake
Now, I know a lot of Evil Dead fans are up in arms about the Evil Dead remake.
Or up in chainsaw arms! Ha ha ha!
But the thing they don’t remember is that there are three movies in the Evil Dead series and the best, by far, is Evil Dead 2. (Shut up, Army of Darkness lovers. It’s good! It’s just not as good as Evil Dead 2, which is one of the best movies ever.)
Gah! It’s legs!
(Seriously, though, what’s up with the remake’s stupid poster?)
So who cares if there’s a completely unnecessary Evil Dead remake? Everything’s got completely unnecessary remakes nowadays. Hell! Even Psycho has a prequel television series, like: Fecking seriously? A Psycho prequel television series? And before Psycho had a wholly unnecessary prequel television series, it had a wholly unnecessary remake that was supposed to be an “homage” to the original Hitchcock film.
Why couldn’t we have just re-released the original in theaters and called it a day?
WHATEVER!
“You killed my father, etc., etc.”
The important thing to keep in mind is that the existence of the Evil Dead remake is like the existence of that ridiculously useless The Thing prequel. They’re both stupid and useless and, unless you’re in some sort of hostage situation, no one is forcing you to watch them EVER.
“Just kill me instead!”
Also, you still need to remember that Evil Dead 2 is the best one, and save your anger for when they remake that.
Because you know Hollywood will never allow that many hillbilly characters in a room together ever again.
Because nothing could ever compare to the original.
Nothing.
Oz is a thing I didn’t see last weekend
Lately, I’d been wondering why people were talking so much about the Oz prequel. Actually, I wasn’t wondering so much about people talking as I was about people posting things on the Internet, because I don’t actually know any people. But wondering about the Oz prequel, I was.
It mostly consisted of me going: “Huh? They made an Oz prequel?”
And then it turned out it was because the Oz prequel was opening this last weekend! And I went “Oh, right,” and hit myself in the forehead in a slapstick manner.
So the things I know about the Oz prequel:
1. It’s loosely based on L. Frank Baum’s Oz books.
2. Sam Raimi directed it.
He looks so friendly, like, even if you were the worst actor ever, he’d just nice you into a decent performance.
3. Which means Bruce Campbell must be in it somewhere.
Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I don’t want to know.
So there you go. I didn’t see it, and I probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving Sam Raimi for Evil Dead 2.
Insert Whitney Houston singing the Bodyguard theme here.
My perfect Christmas present isn’t a bracelet at all
So there’s this Christmas commercial airing for some jewelry company, and the dad has the son dress up as Santa and give the mom a box and inside is the godawful ugly bracelet. The mom looks at it and sighs, “Ohhhh, Santa,” like, if the kid was any older, he would be so squicked out because his parents are totally getting laid tonight, but luckily, he just grabs a plate of cookies and wanders off merrily, thoughts of parental fornication completely absent from his innocent head.
Run, kid! It looks like Mom and Dad are about to get busy under the Christmas tree!
And every time I see that ad, I think: “Do women really react like that to godawful ugly bracelets?”
Also: Are there actually women who find these bracelets neither godawful nor ugly?
And then I think: “Wait, I guess if someone bought me a box set of the Evil Dead trilogy for Christmas, I would totally sigh ‘Ohhhh, Santa,’ and then we’d probably have sex, except they’d have to wait until after we watched the movies.”
“Because I don’t care how good the sex is, nothing is better than watching Bruce Campbell fight zombies.”
Capt. Jack Sparrow vs. Capt. Hook
The nice thing about movie pirates is the way they totally don’t murder your whole family in front of you and threaten to sodomize your dog, like real pirates. I actually made up that part about what they said they would do to your dog.
Anyway, two of the most famous movie pirates are Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook. I don’t feel like I need to give you background on these guys, because they are really, really famous movie pirates. If you do need background, I’d like to congratulate you on rejoining the world after spending all those years in a cave on the moon.
Pictured here: Keith Richards! Er, I mean, Jack Sparrow! Er, I mean … this joke’s been done to death, hasn’t it? Crap.
“Yes, that joke has been done to death. You suck. I would like to disembowel you with the hook I have instead of a hand.”
On to the battlefield, where it’s safe for your family and your dog!
And thank God for that.
Physicality. In a battle of fictional pirates, the pirate who resembles Johnny Depp wins. The pirate who resembles Johnny Depp always wins. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.
Johnny Depp: God’s answer to “What would pretty look like as a man?”
Evilisciousness. I was hedging between this as a category title and Evilocity, and then I thought that Evilocity was an insurance company, so evilisciousness it is. Also, let’s see if I can ever spell that word the same way twice. (I guess I should probably have put word in quotes.) Anyway, Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook, as movie pirates, are ever so much less evil than real pirates. But which one is more evil than the other, but not more evil than real pirates? Capt. Jack Sparrow, as far as I know after watching the first two movies and not any of the others (there were others, right?), was kind of self-serving and sneaky, but not so evil that he would do something like kill Keira Knightley’s character for Christ’s sake someone should’ve done it. On the other hand, Capt. Hook’s main goal in life was to murder a little boy. Magical little boy or not, that’s pretty evil. Winner? Capt. Hook.
Look, Peter, I know you don’t have a mother, but if you’re going to go to the trouble of covering up your chest with leaves, cover the whole damn chest, all right?
More flamboyant costume? Dressed garishly, as all movie pirates are, the better for audiences to be able to tell that they are movie pirates, both Capt. Jack Sparrow and Capt. Hook have a fondness for giant hats, feathers and button-up coats. Only one of them wears eyeliner. (Hint: It’s the Johnny Depp one.) Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.
They’re calling it guyliner these days, aren’t they?
Has a better sidekick? Capt. Hook’s sidekick is the irrepressible Smee, who is a obese buffoon in the Disney movie, an altogether unsastisfying change from his original incarnation as a ruthless bastard. Still, an obese buffoon is infinitely superior to Keira Knightley and, I hate to admit it because he’s soooo pretty, Orlando Bloom. Winner? Capt. Hook.
The irony is that both the men in this picture are prettier than Keira Knightley.
Has a hook for a hand? Capt. Hook has a hook for a hand, a fact of which he is either very proud and changed his name to suit, or was rather convenient for him because he was already like, “Hey, my name is Hook!” (It’s the first one.) No one would chop off Johnny Depp’s hands for a movie because he has such nice hands. Although I think I’d love him more if he had a chainsaw hand.
I love EVERYTHING more with a chainsaw hand.
Winner? Capt. Hook.
Is eaten by a creature of the deep? Capt. Jack Sparrow gets eaten by a Kraken or something, I don’t know, did anybody else think the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was so goddamned boring? Later, he somehow comes back, because Disney and Johnny Depp like to buy nice things. Capt. Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, which also ate a clock, so he could hear his doom approaching him. Although, actually, his doom didn’t approach him until the clock stopped working, so he couldn’t actually hear his doom approaching and so it snuck up on him. Or sneaked up on him. I’m never sure about the past tense of that word. Pressing valiantly on! Hook got et by a crocodile. Winner? Well, since both these guys got eaten by creatures typically found in the dark recesses of the waters, I’m going to go ahead and call this a tossup.
Everything was scarier in the book.
Faces more difficult adversaries? Capt. Hook’s adversaries are a magical boy, a tinker fairy and a bunch of other little kids who aren’t particularly magical, but do wear the skins of dead animals. Capt. Jack Sparrow’s adversaries are the navy (British, I think, but *yawn*, second movie soooo boring) and a squid-faced Davy Jones. Also whoever cast Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean. Winner? Capt. Jack Sparrow.
You probably guessed, but I am not a fan.
For the tie-breaker, which of these characters hasn’t been ruined by awful sequels? Ha, ha, I’m just kidding. Of course Peter Pan’s got sequels. I told you Disney likes to buy nice things.
For the real tie-breaker, which of these characters is more masculine? What with his guyliner and all, Capt. Jack Sparrow has a weak hold on the last threads of his heterosexuality. Sure, he tries to get you to think he’s into the ladies by coming on to Keira Knightley, but we all know if he had any taste in women at all, he’d go after the chick who ended up on Undercovers, because she is gorgeous.
It’s a shame this show sucked and got canceled, because I deserve to have people this attractive on my TV.
Still, he’s good with a sword and grows a magnificent goatee. Capt. Hook doesn’t waste a single minute on trying to convince anyway he’s straight or gay or having sex of any kind at all. He is single-minded in the pursuit of his goal, which is to kill the hell out of a small child. Now that’s a man. (Are you sure?) Whatever, I like Hook better. Winner? Capt. Hook.
Overall winner? Capt. Hook. By a hook.
It’s no chainsaw hand, but it’ll do.
Bad Ash vs. Bizarro
So Bad Ash is like the bad version of Evil Dead Ash, who isn’t really all that good when you think about it. And Bizarro was conceived as the mirror image of Superman, because someone had been reading a lot of Jung at the time.
This here's the toy version of Bad Ash, because it was hard to find the movie version. Lots of scantily clad ladies though, if you're looking to do an image search yourself.
Bizarro's little "No. 1" badge is made of awesome.
Which alternate version of a hero will come out on top?
And do you even care?
(Of course you do.)
On to the battle!
Physicality: Bad Ash looks a lot like Bruce Campbell until he gets boomsticked to death and then re-animated by an incorrect reading of the Necronomicon.
Yes, if you own a replica of this book, you are a geek. And that's OK.
(I’m just going to call it Book of the Dead from now on, ’cause screw Latin.) Then he looks more like a zombie. Bizarro looks like if Superman was in a really bad fire and had the world’s worst plastic surgeon try to repair his skin, using the skin of an albino who is also made of glass. Winner? Bad Ash, for at least looking like Bruce Campbell for a few minutes.
Would that we could all look like Bruce Campbell for a few minutes.
Wreaks more havoc? I feel like this is a category in a lot of these things, but I find havoc-wreaking to be an awesome quality in a fictional character. (It’s a much less awesome quality in a politician, but they all seem to possess it to some degree. Ha, ha, political jokes — over.) Bad Ash sends the Deadites to attack the village that Ash is protecting, and I’m not sure why we stopped calling them Candarian demons in Army of Darkness, but whatever. However, his plans are thwarted because Ash has a chainsaw hand. Well, he has some sort of robotic armor hand in Army of Darkness, which is cool, but the chainsaw hand is cooler. Bizarro wreaks all sorts of havoc, whether on purpose or by trying to imitate Superman. Winner? Bizarro, because have you seen what he’s done to grammar??
The armor hand is still pretty sweet, though.
More evil? Bad Ash is so evil he’s got “Bad” in his name, and not like “Bad” when people mean “good.” More like “just plain mean” bad. Bizarro is just a confused, tragic character who mangles grammar. (I really can’t forgive him for that.) Winner? Bad Ash.
Leads a legion of the undead? Hey, they don’t call it “Army of Darkness” for nothing. Winner? Bad Ash.
Is a more sympathetic character? Bad Ash, evil though he is, is mostly played for laughs because, by Army of Darkness, everyone realized the Evil Dead franchise was actually a comedic series. Bizarro has been created by, like, every Superman villain out there, because when they came up with the concept for Superman, they forgot that having an all-powerful hero makes for some pretty anti-climactic fight scenes, so all the villains are kind of wimptacular next to the world’s biggest boy scout. Thus, Bizarro, who has all of Superman’s powers and none of his good qualities, is born. The poor, sympathetic bastard. He didn’t even ask to be born! No one asked him! Winner? Bizarro.
Who looks at this mug and DOESN'T feel some sympathy, you know?
Dies a more spectacular death? First, Bad Ash gets shot and buried and then resurrected. Then, he gets torched. Then, he gets his hand chopped off. Even more then, he gets catapulted into the air and blown up with a sackful of gunpowder. Explode-y! Bizarro has been offed in a variety of ways, one of which includes a midair collision with Superman. But was there an explosion? Science says no. Winner? Bad Ash.
I can't decide if conjoined-twin Bruce Campbell is a dream or nightmare come true.
Is played by Bruce Campbell in a film? Winner? Bad Ash.
The overall winner in this (slightly) (biased) battle? Bad Ash.
A love letter to Evil Dead 2’s Ash
Dear Ash,
Sooooo … sorry about your girlfriend.
I mean, the way she was possessed by Candarian demons and tried to kill you? That’s really tragic. Also the way you had to behead her? I am so sorry. And the way she crawled out of her grave and did a creepy stop-motion dance? That is more than one man should have to endure.
But I want you to know: I’m here for you.
Actually, Evil Dead 2’s Ash, I want you to know this as well: I love you. I love you as much as any woman can love a man with a chainsaw hand. Which is a lot.
That is so hot.
I mean, wow! You have a chainsaw hand!
A chainsaw hand!
A CHAINSAW HAND!
What’s better than a chainsaw hand?
"A fistful of boomstick" was the best answer I got around the workplace.
In addition to your chainsaw hand, which is certainly one of your most appealing traits, I appreciate your willingness to slaughter Candarian demons, whether they be possessing your girlfriend’s corpse or not.
Die, Candarian demons, die!
I mean, that’s awesome.
Who doesn’t want to date a guy who’s a master of Candarian demon-slaying? I mean, come on! That’s what I look for in every guy I date, which is why none of them will ever live up to you, Evil Dead 2’s Ash. Because you, sir, are the original. You are the master.
I love you.
Also, you grow up to become Sam Axe and hang out with Michael Westen and his Charger, and I could totally get on board with that.
As long as you don't mind me coming on to your really hot friends, I think we could work.
Ash vs. Sam Axe
As I always say, Bruce Campbell is a god.
So who could be better than Bruce Campbell? Only Bruce Campbell himself.
The question is: do we (by we, I ostensibly mean “the masses,” but probably am actually just using the royal “we”) prefer Evil Dead flavor Bruce Campbell or Burn Notice flavor Bruce Campbell?
Mmmm, tastes like chicken!
Insert another "tastes like chicken" joke here!
Let’s find out!
(Yes, it’s so exciting as to deserve an exclamation point!)
Physicality. Bruce Campbell makes a lot of jokes about the size of his chin, but he’s no Jay Leno, and we couldn’t be more grateful for that! It’s kind of hard to have Bruce Campbell go up against himself, because he’s aged pretty damn gracefully, but you know what? He was a pretty cute young man! The ripped shirt, the chainsaw hand … rowr! Winner? Ash.
He's even kind of hot covered in Candarian demon blood.
Bigger badass? Now, I know most of you haven’t seen the first Evil Dead. Or the second Evil Dead. Only Army of Darkness. I highly recommend Evil Dead 2, but you needn’t bother with the original. However, the lesson we have taken from Evil Dead: the First One is that Ash is a bit of a wuss. His friend Scotty was the more heroic/stupid of the two: beating off the baddies, trying to convince everyone to make a break for it. Ash really only survived the first Evil Dead through a stroke of luck/being bff with the director. By Evil Dead 2, he’d gotten a bit more badass, but he still did quite a bit of whining. By Army of Darkness, he was the badass we know and love, spouting one-liners as he killed demons. However, he still had that wussy Ash in his past, so I can’t do anything but vote for Sam Axe, who stood up to all kind of torture and puts up with Fiona. Winner? Sam Axe.
Although they're both good with guns.
Better name? Ash is a cool name. It’s a kind of tree that’s perfect for staking vampires! It’s what’s left of vampires when they are hit by the bright light of day! It’s a nickname for Ashley! … Really? Yeah, that’s right, people. That’s what happens when you don’t watch the first Evil Dead. You don’t know Ash’s name is really “Ashley.” Sam Axe, on the other hand, could even be short for “Samantha,” and it wouldn’t matter, because his last name is Axe. Winner? Sam Axe.
Blows shit up? Ash may have caused a few demons to explode in Army of Darkness, in the past, where physics was waaaay more awesome than it is now. Sam Axe, on the other hand, is pretty content to sit back and let Fiona handle the fireworks in Burn Notice. Man, do a lot of things explode on that show. I love that show. Winner? Ash.
Helps the helpless? Sam Axe works with his good buddy, Mr. Super Smokin’ Hot Spy Guy aka Michael Westen, to help those that can’t help themselves, usually through some hourlong con/the power of explosions. It’s his thing. Ash really had to be coerced into helping the unbathed masses in Army of Darkness, and prior to that, he was pretty much in it to win it. Wait, I just said that for the stupid rhyme. I meant, he was very Darwinistic about the whole affair. Winner? Still, they do both help others. It’s a tie.
Has a chainsaw hand? Groovy. Winner? Ash.
When I grow up, I want to have a chainsaw hand.
Defeats evil? Bruce Campbell defeats evil all over the place, baby. Also Ash and Sam Axe do too. Winner? Another tie!
Master of snappy one-liners? You don’t put Bruce Campbell into anything and not give him some snappy one-liners. Both Ash and Sam Axe are masters of snark. A tie again.
Better job? If you count Ash’s job as being slayer of Candarian demons and not S-Mart clerk, then he’s got a better job, because who doesn’t want a job slaying demons, you know? However, his job is officially S-Mart clerk, so Sam Axe’s “mercenary” wins the day. Winner? Sam Axe.
Great, now you’ve officially tied it. I know. It’s so hard to choose.
Overall winner? The real winner in a battle of Bruce Campbells is us, the people who live in a world with Bruce Campbell. (Because he’s a god.)
All hail Bruce Campbell!
Hollywood Hates Me 