You want to dress up for Halloween, but you don’t know if you’ll be mistaken for a horrible, horrible bigot? Well, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out is your costume racist or not.
1. You’re going as a sexy Indian. That’s, yeah, kind of racist.
2. You’re going in a sheet with eyeholes cut out. There’s two kinds of sheets with eyeholes cut out.
Choose the good kind.
3. You’re going in blackface. Please don’t go in blackface. It doesn’t matter how you intend it, blackface has a terrible, terrible history, and you’ll be wearing all that history on your face.
4. You’re going as a sexy Geisha. I’ll admit I love Geisha costumes, because real kimono are just too hard for me to put on properly. But is it racist? Let’s just say it’s appropriating another culture. Do it with respect.
5. You’re going as a superhero. Probably not racist, but it kind of depends on the superhero.
6. You’re going as a sexy gangster. Gangsters weren’t really that sexy. They had all sorts of dental problems, and didn’t shower much from being on the run. That said? Not so racist.
7. You’re going in a sombrero. I guess I understand if you have a sombrero just hanging around the house and you’re like, what else am I going to do with it, but for God’s sake, don’t go all-out stereotype, and you should be okay.
8. You’re going to wear a turban. Why would you do that? You’re terrible.
9. You’re going as Elsa from Frozen. Not racist, but maybe pick something else, because there are already millions of 5-year-old girls wearing your costume.
10. You’re going as Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. Not racist, but you’re dressed up as a pedophile serial killer so, you know, there’s that.
“Halloween is the only time it’s OK to dress like a prostitute.”
“So you should leave your daughter with Grandma and go out tonight and meet Mr. Right.”
So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.
A real catch, right?
But is he a Hollywood movie monster?
(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)
Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.
1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”
If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)
2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.
If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.
3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.
But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.
4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.
If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.
5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.
If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.
6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!
It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.
7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.
Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?
8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.
That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!
9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.
He sounds like fun.
10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.
There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.
Anyway, Ripley is a badass to end all badasses, and Laurie Strode was the only one in Halloween who didn’t get killed by Michael Myers, making this two posts where I have mentioned Michael Myers, more than I ever imagined possible, so let’s see who comes out on top, shall we?
On to the battle!
Physicality. Well, since Halloween was released in 1978 and Alien in 1979, both Ripley and Laurie have some pretty nasty hair going on, all limp and nearly mullet-like. But we’ll just ignore that, because Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis are hot! They’ve both got great athletic figures and they’re really pretty, but I think Ms. Curtis has a little bit more going on up top, so we’ll give this category to her. Winner? Laurie Strode.
Faced a vicious killer and won? Technically, both these ladies are victorious in this category, but only one of them faced a killer alien thing that hatched out of people’s middle bits and ate them and spewed acidic blood. You probably guessed from the word “alien” in that previous sentence that the evil creature I just described was not Michael Myers, but was, indeed, the alien from Alien. Eh, it’s still a draw. Winner? A tie!
Had cool friends/coworkers murdered horribly before her very eyes? Once again, both these ladies suffered immense horrors at the hands of a murderous creature, and one of these horrors was the slaughter of their friends or coworkers. But only Ripley got to hang out with the likes of Tom Skerritt! Harry Dean Stanton! Veronica Cartwright! Ian Holm (the second best Ian working in Hollywood! … I mean Ian McKellan, not Somerholder, by the by)! Yaphet Kotto! My gods, it’s like a list of my favorite people ever to guest-star on the X-Files and star on Homicide and whatever the hell Tom Skerritt did. Winner? Ripley.
Was proactive in her battle against said horrific murderous creature who might or might not have acidic blood? Laurie stabs Michael Myers in the neck with a knitting needle, stabs him in the eye with a wire hanger and stabs him with a knife. Ripley blows up a spaceship with the alien in it (but not really) and then shoots the thing into the cold vacuum of space. Gosh, those are both awesome things, but, Laurie sure did a lot of stabbing. Stabby! Winner? Laurie Strode.
Starred in sequels of varying quality? Yes, absolutely. Winner? Another tie.
Was awesome enough in Alien 4 to make up for the presence of that godawful Winona Ryder? Wait a second, isn’t this question awfully biased? Yes! Yes, it is! But I love Ripley in Alien 4 soooooo much! She’s such a badass! Oh my gods, you guys, never before was there a badass as badass as Ripley was! Sooooo badass! I *heart* you, Ripley from Alien 4! Winner? Obviously, it’s Ripley.
Hey, now it’s a tie! By gum, George, you’re right!
The final, tie-off, earth-shattering question! Actually really defeated the horrific evil she battled, at least once or twice? Well, here’s where poor Laurie Strode comes up against a terrible dilemna. Michael Myers is, apparently, indestructible. (Because John Carpenter said so, that’s why.) No matter how many sharp things she stabs the guy with, he just won’t die. No matter how many times he gets shot or how many car accidents he gets into, he lives on. On the other hand, Ripley actually did kill a lot of aliens, including the one incubating in her own body. It’s not her fault they breed like giant alien acid-blooded bunnies! Winner? Ripley!
Overall winner? Ripley, by a badass, alien-murdering nose.
At first I was going to have Michael Myers in a face-off (ha, ha) against Freddy Krueger, but then I thought, hey! Jason Voorhees wears a mask (actually, I thought “That guy from Friday the 13th wears a mask,” and Google supplied me with the rest) and he also doesn’t kill from some sort of strange dream world where your dreams kill you (and also Johnny Depp! NOOOOOO!!).
(Also, I think there was a movie where Jason and Freddy faced off for some reason, so … wait, what was my logic again?)
Nope, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are two horrific serial killers who are firmly grounded in reality. Or a reasonable approximation of it. Or a reasonable approximation of a reasonable approximation of reality.
I have never said reasonable approximation so many times before in my life. Don’t the words look kind of funny now, like when you say your name a bunch of times and trip yourself out?
Um, anyway, onto the battle of the masked teen-killing guys.
I guess they deserve a physicality entry, since everybody else gets one, but don’t they both wear masks because underneath they’re horrific? Or does Michael Myers even wear a mask? Do I just think it’s a mask because his face looks like a potato sack? Winner: Jason Voorhees, because hockey masks are OK-looking, sure, why not.
Murdered the hell out of a bunch of sex-crazed teens? Boy, is this ever a tie. If it wasn’t for sex-crazed teens, who would movie monsters kill? Happily wedded couples? Pshaw! Boring. Scantily-clad teenagers being mutilated to death is waaaay more entertaining.
Satisfyingly killed at the end of each film? Yes and yes. Apparently, each Halloween (except Halloween III, which was stupid and I couldn’t watch it even when I went through my “Halloween phase,” as I like to call it, which was the phase where I rented the first three Halloween movies and watched 2.33 of them) and each Friday the 13th has to have the good guys defeat the baddies. Winner? Tie again.
Death satisfyingly retconned for the sequel? Well, Jason and Michael have both been brought back from the dead repeatedly and with somewhat less than satisfying explanations/results. Winner? Tie.
Errrr, these guys seem pretty evenly matched up. I know, right? This sucks.
The physical embodiment of evil? No one’s denying that Jason Voorhees is evil, unless there’s a Friday the 13th with a psychologist who thinks he’s just misunderstood and then gets killed, but no one ever said he was evil personified, like Michael Myers. People said that about him. A lot. Winner? Michael Myers.
Fought Freddy Krueger once? Wait, that’s no fair. I already mentioned this in the intro. I’ve never even seen a Friday the 13th movie, so, by default, I like Michael Myers better and should be stacking these questions in his favor!! Winner: Jason Voorhees.
Better theme music? I don’t know what the Friday the 13th theme sounds like (or if there even is one), and since I’m doing this at work (shhhhh), I can’t pop in the earbuds and take a listen, so Winner? Halloween! Everyone knows the dee-doo-dee-dee-doo theme!
Didn’t have to resort to having his mommy kill people for him? Yeah, was Jason Voorhees even in the first Friday the 13th? It was like the opposite of Psycho or something. Michael Myers, on the other hand, never needed mommy to do any killing for him. Unless he did in one of the sequels I didn’t see, I don’t know. Anyway, until I start watching slasher flicks … winner? Michael Myers!
Now you’re really stacking these questions in Michael Myers’ favor! I know, right?
Overall winner? Michael Myers, for being the monster in the slasher films I actually saw!
Well, whenever it was released, it opens in my town this weekend, so it counts, right?
I’ve got nothing against Rob Zombie. In fact, I liked several songs by that band he was in in the ’90s with the beautiful chick with the cool dreads? White Zombie.
Also, he wrote an intro to 3×3 Eyes when Dark Horse was still carrying it, and anyone who loves good manga is A-OK in my book. Or something less lame than A-OK….
And I can see how it’s a totally natural career choice and all for him to go into making horror movies. I mean, the guy’s name is Rob Zombie. You’ve got three choices with that name: 1) metal music; 2) horror films; 3) zombie. He’s done the first two, and I’m sure he’s made arrangements to return as a re-animated corpse after his untimely demise. (I’m assuming his demise will be untimely. Guy’s name is Rob Zombie!! No one named Zombie dies peacefully in their sleep (that I know of).)
What I don’t understand, though, is why he’s gone the remake route? Wait, should that have been a sentence? It seemed more like a declaration than a question. I just made it a question because it started with “what,” but yeah, it should have been a period at the end.
(I mean, especially since his name is Rob Zombie, you’d think he’d make zombie films for the synergy of it or whatever.)
But why mess with the greats? Michael Myer seemed fine as he was, and you’re not going to do better than Jamie Lee Curtis, so I won’t be seeing Halloween II this weekend.