Moana wasn’t terrible

November 30, 2016 at 11:02 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

… although this post title is.

“Your post title is bad, and you’re bad.”

Hi, everybody! I’m not dead or even in a coma, but it has been very busy at work, and also I did Thanksgiving (you guys should try my mashed potatoes with caramelized onions, because they are so good), so Internetting has been about the last thing on my mind.

But I’m back, and I’m sorry, and I went to Moana with my daughter last weekend, because sometimes she makes me go to Disney movies. (I guess our only other option was the new Harry Potter minus Harry Potter thing, but, then again, Eddie Redmayne is really pretty.)

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

So, Moana! Here’s some things I love about it:

  1. Casting actual Pacific Islanders to voice-act. That’s cool.
  2. The song the crab sings.
  3. Dwayne Johnson is finally the sexiest man alive, like, jeez, what took so long? Were you waiting for him to not be alive?
  4. Auli’i Cravalho has a gorgeous voice.

Also, the plot was fine, and I’m pretty sure they got the Maui myth about right (I’m sorry, but I’m not as up on my Pacific Island mythology/folklore as I should be!), and the stupid chicken was even stupider than the chicken I had when I was a kid, so that was good.

Makes you feel pretty okay with eating 'em.

Makes you feel pretty okay about eating ’em.

My daughter says it was really good and you should go watch it, and I’ll just say: Yeah, it was fine.

Look,

Look, “I didn’t hate it” is high praise for a Disney flick from me.

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So you think you’re dating a princess: A modern teen’s guide

March 23, 2016 at 10:56 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?

Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:

1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.

*Sighhhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhhh*

2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.

"You only WISH you'll look this good when YOU'RE 1000 years old."

“You only WISH you’ll look this good when YOU’RE 1000 years old.”

3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.

She's like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

She’s like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.

"My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible."

“My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible.”

5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.

And check out those guns!

And check out those guns!

7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.

... although I'm not sure what you'd do for fun or anything.

… although I’m not sure what you’d do for fun or anything.

8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!

I'll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she's seeing anyone....

I’ll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she’s seeing anyone….

9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.

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A love letter to Bert (from Mary Poppins)

October 15, 2015 at 10:29 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Bert,

Look, I know you’re enamored of a woman who’s practically perfect in every way, and I want you to know that I can’t measure up to that.

See, it's a joke because measuring tape! Get it?

See, it’s a joke because measuring tape! Get it?

But, you know, neither can you. I mean, Bert! She’s practically perfect in every way. Can you imagine having to put up with that every day?

“Mary, did you leave your dirty socks in the living room?”

“You know very well I didn’t, Bert, because I’m practically perfect in every way. If there are dirty socks in the living room, they’re either yours, or they belong to that little hussy from down the way!”

I know that was a pretty specific example, but lately people have been leaving their dirty socks in my living room and I’d really like them to knock it off, sweetheart, I know you read this blog and Mommy loves you, but please pick up your socks.

I know it's nasty, but maybe if you just tossed them in the hamper in the first place...?

I know it’s nasty, but maybe if you just tossed them in the hamper in the first place…?

Anyway, because Mary Poppins is practically perfect in every way and also looks like a young Julie Andrews, I really don’t blame you for loving her. I also love her, and would like to invite you two over for dinner on my ceiling, except imagine that “dinner on my ceiling” is a euphemism, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Yeah, I was actually hoping you guys might do some dusting up there.

Yeah, I was actually hoping you guys might do some dusting up there.

… I think I’ve kind of lost my train of thought here, Bert.

It's probably 'cause you two are SO DIRTY.

It’s probably ’cause you two are SO DIRTY.

What I’m trying to say is that Mary Poppins is a nearly perfect human being, and someone like that could never love a mere mortal like you (hah! As if the man who sings Chim Chim Cheree, the best Disney song EVER, is a mere mortal!), but do you know who could, Bert? I could! I could love you like mad. In fact, I already do.

So let’s get married, and you could sweep chimneys, or paint sidewalks, or panhandle, or whatever it is you do for a living, and at night? … We’d dance.

... with penguins.

… with penguins.

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Elsa from Frozen vs. The Ice King

March 13, 2014 at 10:29 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , )

Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.

At least it doesn't have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

At least it doesn’t have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.

I mean, it's got snowmen hordes and everything!

I mean, it’s got snowmen hordes and everything!

So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!

Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Pretty and contemplative.

Pretty and contemplative.

Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.

You don't know how long I've been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.

Awwww!

Awwww!

Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.

I told you she got fabulous.

I told you she got fabulous.

Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn't have to solve my gruesome murder.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn’t have to solve my gruesome murder.

Can fly? Elsa can’t fly. The Ice King can, though, using his big scruffy beard as, like, wings. Somehow. Winner? The Ice King.

Science says this shouldn't work.

Science says this shouldn’t work.

Now that it’s a tie, let’s move on to the tie-breaking question, which is this:

Protects and shelters a small child in a post-apocalyptic world? Now that’s just cheating.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

I know, but I’m just so sick of Let it Go. Very well, then. Winner? The Ice King.

Overall winner? The Ice King, unless he starts singing Let it Go, in which case, I will be so mad, you just don’t even know.

I ... should have seen this coming.

I … should have seen this coming.

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Frozen is OK, I guess

December 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , )

So this weekend, it was someone’s birthday, and as a good whatever to someone, I took her to see Frozen, because little someones love Disney and Disney princesses and the color pink.

12 million little girls just died of happiness.

12 million little girls just died of happiness.

Anyway, there were two really great things about Frozen. The first is that some of the animation was really gorgeous. The second is that HOLY GOD IDINA MENZEL HAS AN AMAZING VOICE. Every time she sings, it’s all like, whoa. It’s like that because her voice is so amazing you get all stupid for a minute, and all you can do is say “Whoooaaa.”

And then you see the woman and your brain just, you know, stops working completely.

AND OMIGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN? WHOOOOOAAAA.

There were also some less awesome things about Frozen, like WHAT IS DISNEY’S DEAL WITH WOLVES, ANYWAY? There’s seriously a scene where the town has been frozen over for, at most, six hours, and our heroes are attacked by a wolf pack, because wolves always attack people, and especially in packs, and never when they’re starving. DAMMIT DISNEY, do you all own ranches or something?

Pictured here: A horrific killer who will stop at nothing until it has buried its teeth in your throat and also the throats of all your family.

Pictured here: A horrific killer who will stop at nothing until it has buried its teeth in your throat and also the throats of all your family.

Also, there’s a last-minute personality switcheroo that frees up our heroine to pick her other love interest, because God knows she couldn’t possibly dump a nice guy just because she’s in love with someone else. Also because it can’t be a Disney movie without a villain, I guess, even though they could have totally made the ending work without having Character Name Redacted, Even Though I Gave It Away With The Whole Love Interest Thing turning evil, but whatever. Easier.

Eh, whatever. It's Prince Hans. He's secretly evil.

Eh, whatever. It’s Prince Hans. He’s secretly evil.

And the living snowman guy was cute at times, but mostly annoying, but every single little someone in the audience thought he was the best thing ever, so what do I know about what kids like, I guess.

Less than dancing snowmen, apparently.

Less than dancing snowmen, apparently.

So, yeah, Frozen is totally worth seeing because I cannot say enough how awesome Idina Menzel is, and also Veronica Mars does a nice job, even if she is going by “Kristen Bell” nowadays, but I just want to warn you that it is nothing like The Snow Queen, but little kids don’t care because who reads fairy tales nowadays anyway?

Thank God Arthur Rackham didn't live to see this day.

Thank God Arthur Rackham didn’t live to see this day.

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Why a Lone Ranger movie, Hollywood?

July 3, 2013 at 10:14 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Sure, the new Lone Ranger flick has tons of explosions and revenge and justice and train-fight sequences, but you know what else it has?

Hint: The answer's in this picture.

Helena Bonham Carter?

Johnny Depp. Doing his noble savage impression. In blackface.

Or black-and-white-face, I guess.

Or black-and-white-face, I guess.

WHAT THE HELL HOLLYWOOD.

Apparently, Johnny Depp is either part Cherokee or part Powhatan, which makes it OK, like having Keanu Reeves play a samurai.

Or whatever.

Or whatever.

Also: Does anyone want to see a Lone Ranger movie? If so, why?

No, really, I'm curious. What sort of life have you led that you would want this?

No, really, I’m curious. What sort of life have you led that you would want this?

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My tragic tale of woe

June 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Today, I had to hear Selena Gomez’s Love You Like a Love Song twice and Call Me Maybe for the first time, and I would just like you all to know that I would very much like to curl up and die now.

Before today, I didn’t even know Carly Rae Jepsen was a person, and now that’s one whole section of my brain wasted.

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Down with talking gorillas

July 8, 2011 at 2:39 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I am so sick of movies with talking animals.

And they go to outer space and everybody learns a vaulable lesson and go to hell, Disney.

Especially ones where the animals are banding together to help some hapless sap find love. I mean, why would they do that? If animals were going to talk, especially zoo animals, wouldn’t they say things like: “This is like jail and we wish we were dead”?

Also: "This movie poster sucks."

But nooooooo. Captive animals want to help humanity, not eat them.

Especially the gorilla.

I mean gorillas never attack people. (Note: I am aware that gorilla is actually a person in a monkey suit, but it’s funnier that way.)

Besides, it's not like they got a real gorilla for the movie, anyway.

(And bananas never attack gorillas.)

(Some days, I like letting the links do my work for me.)

Anyway, more to the point, of course the talking animals were just waiting for Kevin James to show up. Like, they were all sitting around, not talking, thinking, man, I wish Kevin James would hurry up and get here so we could get to some hijinks! Also, I totally don’t want to eat him.

"I don't know about you, Clyde, but I kind of want to eat him."

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It’s all Zachary Levi’s fault

April 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm (Randomosity) (, )

If he wasn’t so darn cute, and so floppy-haired, and tall, and nerdish, then I wouldn’t have watched Tangled this weekend.

And, damn, does he look good in a suit.

And liked it.

(God, I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all, does it?)

Now, don’t get me wrong, this definitely isn’t replacing Spirited Away in my lexicon of Best! Animated! Films! Ever!, but it’s not horrible or anything.

It's at the top, if you were wondering.

In fact, it’s kind of … good.

Because what you’ve got is a lot of Zachary Levi talking, and Zachary Levi singing, and there’s some other people too, but who cares, because Zachary Levi.

Art kinda looks like him, too.

OK, right, fine, Tangled is Disney’s take on the Rapunzel fairy tale, except instead of the witch discovering that some horny prince has been visiting her captive, this Rapunzel escapes, using her hair like a lasso and stuff, and also she has magical healing powers. Through her hair. And it’s not a prince, it’s Zachary Levi, which is close enough, and they go off on a madcap adventure and of course they fall in love and of course the evil witch falls to her horrible death as a hideous hag.

Because Disney hates old people, that's why.

There’s some cute songs and some jokes and a running gag with frying pans and, really, I’m not sure I could have tolerated it except for one thing.

I love me some Zachary Levi is the one thing.

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Tron Legacy is so shiny and pretty, omigod

December 15, 2010 at 12:42 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Shiny! Pretty! Oooooooh!

For the things Tron Legacy got right, I can forgive it for the things it got wrong.

For instance, it got right not casting Shia LaBeouf as Sam Flynn. Even though I’ve never heard of Garrett Hedlund before, I really appreciate that he’s not Shia LaBeouf. That’s great news. Just great!

For an actor, not being Shia LaBeouf is even more awesome than not being Keanu Reeves.

Also, they got Jeff Bridges back, who is awesome.

Ooooooooh!

Also, the special effects are great. So shiny, squee!

Shiny!

And Olivia Wilde is totally beautiful.

And she has one of those light-up disc things.

As far as the things they got wrong, only two things stood out for me:

Young Jeff Bridges just doesn’t look human enough. The good news is, Young Jeff Bridges is a computer program or whatever, so he doesn’t have to look all that human, so it’s OK. Although still a bit creepy.

Please let this not become a thing for all movies that want to cast aging actors as their younger selves, please, please, PLEASE.

Olivia Wilde is an awfully wooden actress, but I think in this case, that will work to her favor, like Keanu Reeves’ wooden performance as Neo in The Matrix. So it’s also not a big issue, but I just can’t forgive her for ruining House for me, so I thought I should mention it.

Gah! You House-ruining ... so. Pretty.

So, I forgive you, Disney, for ruining every fairy tale ever because I like shiny things.

So. Shiny.

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