A love letter to Indiana Jones

July 19, 2016 at 8:39 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Indiana Jones,

I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Daddy issues, probably.

Daddy issues, probably.

Actually, I did go through a phase where I wasn’t that into you, but that’s because my brother was going through a phase where he wore khakis and a fedora, carried a whip, and wanted to be an archeologist, and it just felt wrong to love you then.

Like this, but it's your brother and not some random cosplayer.

Like this, but it’s your brother and not some random cosplayer.

But other than that, I have always, always loved you.

(About as much as I love Han Solo.)

Dear Han Solo: I've always loved you since I was a little girl.

Dear Han Solo:
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Which is why I think we should get married.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl for you. Hell, I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl, full stop. She’s brave, beautiful, can handle alcohol well, and she just seems really like a lot of fun to be around.

And she's all like: "Eat my smoke, Nazi!"

And she’s all like: “Eat my smoke, Nazi!”

There’s only one problem with Marion Ravenwood, Indiana. When you procreate with her, you create a Shia LeBeouf.



And that’s terrible. That’s just terrible.

Now I, on the other hand, have a beautiful, talented, non-plagiarizing daughter, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

So, let’s get married.

Just you, me and your whip.

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don't know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don’t know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!


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The dinosaurs are back in town

June 12, 2015 at 9:48 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

Hold onto your hats, everybody, because there’s a new Jurassic Park movie coming out!

This guy knows the score.

This guy knows the score.

That is so exciting! We needed a new Jurassic Park movie! It’s not like there’s been at least several already made!

But this time they're mutant dinosaurs so it doesn't matter that we've been designing dinosaurs wrong all this time!

But this time they’re mutant dinosaurs so it doesn’t matter that we’ve been designing dinosaurs wrong all this time!

Now that all that phony enthusiasm is out of my system, I’d like to address my most pressing complaint about Jurassic World (other than that why do we need a new Jurassic Park movie, I seriously don’t get it): Chris Pratt as the heir apparent to Harrison Ford.

But not the silent film star Harrison Ford, because that would be silly.

But not the silent film star Harrison Ford, because that would be silly.

I get that he’s cute and charming, I guess, but I can’t tell him apart from the other half-dozen guys who look just like him.

Is this Chris Pratt?

Is this Chris Pratt?

I don't think this is.

I don’t think this is.

Maybe I'm the only one who mixes these guys up all the time?

Maybe I’m the only one who mixes these guys up all the time?

Maybe I need to see a movie that he’s in. Maybe that would help. Can someone tell me what movies he’s in? Because I don’t think I’d recognize him without help.

Eh, maybe I'll just watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again.

Eh, maybe I’ll just watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again.

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I know two things about Kate Capshaw

March 8, 2011 at 7:06 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , )

One is that she can scream like a champ, and the other is that she is married to Steven Spielberg.

She's not screaming in this picture, but you can be sure she's about to.

But now, thanks to the power of the internets, we can all learn more about the lovely Ms. Capshaw, like what the heck she’s been up to lately.

I can only assume it involves lots of hair care, because her mane looks GREAT.

Kate Capshaw, for those of you not in the know, is best known for her role as Willie Scott in the Temple of Doom, one of the three best Indiana Jones films ever made. But her career didn’t start there, unlike that of her co-star Jonathan Ke “Shortround” Quan. No, Capshaw first burst onto the scene in 1981 on some television show I’ve never heard of: The Edge of Night. Fittingly, she followed that up with a 1982 film called A Little Sex. I say “fittingly” because some people like to have a little sex at the edge of night.

THEN she starred in The Temple of Doom, and remember how they totally didn’t rip her heart out before sacrificing her? That’s always bothered me. I mean, I know Indy had to save his romantic interest, and it’s hard to do when her heart’s been ripped out, but it still bugs me.

I mean, c'mon, they ripped out that one guy's heart!

Moving right along, Capshaw (who has a degree in education and actually did teach special education at a couple of different schools) followed up Temple of Doom with Best Defense, a movie that stars Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy and that, for the life of me, I cannot remember having ever heard of before now.

Also, there was a tank in it? Or at least a drawing of one?

After that was Dreamscape with Dennis Quaid and Windy City, which I can only assume was an indie film, because she is the only person in the cast that I have ever heard of. So 1984 was a good year for Capshaw.

In 1986, there was Power with Richard Gere, and SpaceCamp, which I think everyone who was a schoolchild during that era saw when their teachers ran out of lesson plans.

"Today we're studying how to shut the hell up and watch a movie while Mrs. Appleworth nurses a hangover. Shut the hell up, kids."

Then there were a few TV movies, like The Quick and The Dead and Her Secret Life. Coincidentally (not ironically), she starred in a regular movie, Private Affairs, in 1987, and followed that up with the TV movie Internal Affairs in 1988. It’s coincidental because they both have the word “affairs” in them, that’s why.

(Why did I feel the need to explain that?)

1989 brought Black Rain, which I was going to skip over, but then saw it was directed by Ridley Scott and starred Andy Garcia and Michael Douglas, so I guess it deserves a mention. I am totally going to skip 1990’s Love at Large, though. In 1991, she was in My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, and followed that up with a two-year break before starring in the short-lived television series Black Tie Affair.

Then there was some stuff I don’t care about, then How to Make an American Quilt, which I also don’t care about, but probably your grandma loved it.

Are they still called "chick flicks" if all the chicks watching are over 70?

Then 1997’s The Locusts, which I was assuming was about killer locusts until I read the plot synopsis and saw the phrase “deadly yet erotic love triangle.” So I guess there could be killer locusts, but there probably aren’t. Also, the movie had Ashley Judd and Vince Vaughan, so I’m glad I missed it. In 1999, she starred in The Love Letter, which is notable only for a young cast member named Jessica Capshaw, Kate’s daughter, who apparently has a recurring role on Grey’s Anatomy.

The only thing that would make your parents prouder than you growing up to be a doctor is you growing up to be an actor who plays a doctor on TV.

In 2001, Capshaw had a role in some TV movie that I’m not even going to bother mentioning by name, and then another TV movie followed in 2002. And then … she completely disappeared off the face of the earth, seriously what happened to Kate Capshaw? There is no mention of her doing anything after 2002, and I am beginning to suspect foul play, Spielberg.

(I’m really surprised that nobody heard her screams.)

Except maybe this snake.

Oh, wait, good news! She attended the Golden Globes with her husband in January 2011. So she’s fine. Totally fine.

Look at this: breathing and everything.

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Jonathan Ke Quan has not disappeared off the face of the earth probably

November 22, 2010 at 12:38 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

Remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I know the part you’re remembering right now is the part where they rip that guy’s heart out before sending him into a pit of fire, but I want you to think harder, and remember Indy’s sidekick.

And then his heart burst into flames while the other guy was holding it! Man, that was so cool.

That’s right. Shortround.

"He no nuts, lady. He crazy."

Unless you remember Goonies, which I obviously don’t, or I’d’ve remembered that one Hobbit being in it, that was the last time you saw Jonathan Ke Quan on the big screen.

So what has he been doing since then? And what was he doing prior to then?

At the least, we know he's been rocking the nerd glasses.

Ke Huy-Quan was born in 1971 in Vietnam, and speaks fluent English, Vietnamese, Mandarin and Cantonese, which is four more languages than most Internet users are fluent in, ha-ha, zing. Anyway, his family was selected for political asylum in the United States when he was young, which is already pretty lucky, but then he gets to star in a movie with a young Harrison Ford? I mean, no wonder he hasn’t done much acting since then. How could he improve on that, you know?

So Jonathan Ke Quan’s career began with The Temple of Doom in 1984, continued with The Goonies in 1985, and then went into hibernation mode as he starred in a TV series I’ve never heard of from 1986 to ’87, called “Together We Stand,” which is described as a “formulaic, inoffensive couple-with-kids sitcom.” Apparently, it was originally conceived as a Brady Bunch spin-off, so I already hate it.

He then had a part in a Japanese movie that even IMDB isn’t sure it’s heard of, and then was on another sitcom in the early ’90s, Head of the Class. (It starred that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, remember?) (And now you know: yes, I am much, much older than you.)

So, SO old.

He had a few more roles after that, most recently in Second Time Around, which is a time-travel drama about gambling. That was in 2002.

So what the hell’s he been doing for the last eight years? Does Harrison write?


Well, it turns out that, like my hero Tak Sakaguchi, Jonathan Ke Quan went on to become a stunt choreographer! Maybe he and Tak Sakaguchi are friends. That would be so awesome.

My hero is prettier than you and can still kick your ass.

Ke Quan worked on stunt choreography in X-Men and The One, that Jet Li movie I watched because it had Jet Li in it. Actually, it had multiple Jet Lis in it because it was some sort of multiverse story. So we got to see Jet Li fighting Jet Li! I can’t believe I didn’t go blind from the power of the awesome.

Or that my brain didn't overload! How many Jet Lis can one movie stand???

And, um, those movies came out a long time ago, but that’s the most recent information the Internet has on Ke Quan, so I hope things are going OK for him now.

I seriously love those glasses on him.

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