Dear Indiana Jones,
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.
Actually, I did go through a phase where I wasn’t that into you, but that’s because my brother was going through a phase where he wore khakis and a fedora, carried a whip, and wanted to be an archeologist, and it just felt wrong to love you then.
But other than that, I have always, always loved you.
(About as much as I love Han Solo.)
Which is why I think we should get married.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl for you. Hell, I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl, full stop. She’s brave, beautiful, can handle alcohol well, and she just seems really like a lot of fun to be around.
There’s only one problem with Marion Ravenwood, Indiana. When you procreate with her, you create a Shia LeBeouf.
And that’s terrible. That’s just terrible.
Now I, on the other hand, have a beautiful, talented, non-plagiarizing daughter, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing.
So, let’s get married.
Just you, me and your whip.
Hold onto your hats, everybody, because there’s a new Jurassic Park movie coming out!
That is so exciting! We needed a new Jurassic Park movie! It’s not like there’s been at least several already made!
Now that all that phony enthusiasm is out of my system, I’d like to address my most pressing complaint about Jurassic World (other than that why do we need a new Jurassic Park movie, I seriously don’t get it): Chris Pratt as the heir apparent to Harrison Ford.
I get that he’s cute and charming, I guess, but I can’t tell him apart from the other half-dozen guys who look just like him.
Maybe I need to see a movie that he’s in. Maybe that would help. Can someone tell me what movies he’s in? Because I don’t think I’d recognize him without help.
One is that she can scream like a champ, and the other is that she is married to Steven Spielberg.
But now, thanks to the power of the internets, we can all learn more about the lovely Ms. Capshaw, like what the heck she’s been up to lately.
Kate Capshaw, for those of you not in the know, is best known for her role as Willie Scott in the Temple of Doom, one of the three best Indiana Jones films ever made. But her career didn’t start there, unlike that of her co-star Jonathan Ke “Shortround” Quan. No, Capshaw first burst onto the scene in 1981 on some television show I’ve never heard of: The Edge of Night. Fittingly, she followed that up with a 1982 film called A Little Sex. I say “fittingly” because some people like to have a little sex at the edge of night.
THEN she starred in The Temple of Doom, and remember how they totally didn’t rip her heart out before sacrificing her? That’s always bothered me. I mean, I know Indy had to save his romantic interest, and it’s hard to do when her heart’s been ripped out, but it still bugs me.
Moving right along, Capshaw (who has a degree in education and actually did teach special education at a couple of different schools) followed up Temple of Doom with Best Defense, a movie that stars Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy and that, for the life of me, I cannot remember having ever heard of before now.
After that was Dreamscape with Dennis Quaid and Windy City, which I can only assume was an indie film, because she is the only person in the cast that I have ever heard of. So 1984 was a good year for Capshaw.
In 1986, there was Power with Richard Gere, and SpaceCamp, which I think everyone who was a schoolchild during that era saw when their teachers ran out of lesson plans.
Then there were a few TV movies, like The Quick and The Dead and Her Secret Life. Coincidentally (not ironically), she starred in a regular movie, Private Affairs, in 1987, and followed that up with the TV movie Internal Affairs in 1988. It’s coincidental because they both have the word “affairs” in them, that’s why.
(Why did I feel the need to explain that?)
1989 brought Black Rain, which I was going to skip over, but then saw it was directed by Ridley Scott and starred Andy Garcia and Michael Douglas, so I guess it deserves a mention. I am totally going to skip 1990’s Love at Large, though. In 1991, she was in My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, and followed that up with a two-year break before starring in the short-lived television series Black Tie Affair.
Then there was some stuff I don’t care about, then How to Make an American Quilt, which I also don’t care about, but probably your grandma loved it.
Then 1997’s The Locusts, which I was assuming was about killer locusts until I read the plot synopsis and saw the phrase “deadly yet erotic love triangle.” So I guess there could be killer locusts, but there probably aren’t. Also, the movie had Ashley Judd and Vince Vaughan, so I’m glad I missed it. In 1999, she starred in The Love Letter, which is notable only for a young cast member named Jessica Capshaw, Kate’s daughter, who apparently has a recurring role on Grey’s Anatomy.
In 2001, Capshaw had a role in some TV movie that I’m not even going to bother mentioning by name, and then another TV movie followed in 2002. And then … she completely disappeared off the face of the earth, seriously what happened to Kate Capshaw? There is no mention of her doing anything after 2002, and I am beginning to suspect foul play, Spielberg.
(I’m really surprised that nobody heard her screams.)
Oh, wait, good news! She attended the Golden Globes with her husband in January 2011. So she’s fine. Totally fine.
Remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I know the part you’re remembering right now is the part where they rip that guy’s heart out before sending him into a pit of fire, but I want you to think harder, and remember Indy’s sidekick.
That’s right. Shortround.
Unless you remember Goonies, which I obviously don’t, or I’d’ve remembered that one Hobbit being in it, that was the last time you saw Jonathan Ke Quan on the big screen.
So what has he been doing since then? And what was he doing prior to then?
Ke Huy-Quan was born in 1971 in Vietnam, and speaks fluent English, Vietnamese, Mandarin and Cantonese, which is four more languages than most Internet users are fluent in, ha-ha, zing. Anyway, his family was selected for political asylum in the United States when he was young, which is already pretty lucky, but then he gets to star in a movie with a young Harrison Ford? I mean, no wonder he hasn’t done much acting since then. How could he improve on that, you know?
So Jonathan Ke Quan’s career began with The Temple of Doom in 1984, continued with The Goonies in 1985, and then went into hibernation mode as he starred in a TV series I’ve never heard of from 1986 to ’87, called “Together We Stand,” which is described as a “formulaic, inoffensive couple-with-kids sitcom.” Apparently, it was originally conceived as a Brady Bunch spin-off, so I already hate it.
He then had a part in a Japanese movie that even IMDB isn’t sure it’s heard of, and then was on another sitcom in the early ’90s, Head of the Class. (It starred that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, remember?) (And now you know: yes, I am much, much older than you.)
He had a few more roles after that, most recently in Second Time Around, which is a time-travel drama about gambling. That was in 2002.
So what the hell’s he been doing for the last eight years? Does Harrison write?
Well, it turns out that, like my hero Tak Sakaguchi, Jonathan Ke Quan went on to become a stunt choreographer! Maybe he and Tak Sakaguchi are friends. That would be so awesome.
Ke Quan worked on stunt choreography in X-Men and The One, that Jet Li movie I watched because it had Jet Li in it. Actually, it had multiple Jet Lis in it because it was some sort of multiverse story. So we got to see Jet Li fighting Jet Li! I can’t believe I didn’t go blind from the power of the awesome.
And, um, those movies came out a long time ago, but that’s the most recent information the Internet has on Ke Quan, so I hope things are going OK for him now.