Countdown to Japan

July 26, 2017 at 3:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So it’s less than a week till my daughter and I leave for Japan, and my mother is getting a little cranky.

“I’d’ve gone if you’d invited me,” she said.

“Uh, yeah, that’s what we were afraid of,” I said.

Ha, ha, in your face, Mom, enjoy your time NOT in Japan!

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Want, want, want this

July 18, 2017 at 9:30 am (Things I Want) (, , )

By which I mean, I want both this Twin Peaks Bento and Kyle MacLachlan hanging out at my house in an apron.

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My brother and I don’t have much in common

September 26, 2016 at 9:48 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , )

So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.

When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.

"I ... can't believe you would say that to me."

“I … can’t believe you would say that to me.”

So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.

1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.

They're both made of cow parts, probably.

They’re both made of cow parts, probably.

2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?

"Ugh. Yes."

“Ugh. Yes.”

3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.

4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.

"Buh?" ... is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

“Buh?”
… is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.

7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?

... And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

… And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.

10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?

It's definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

It’s definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

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Godzilla and the obesity debate

May 21, 2014 at 10:17 am (Randomosity) (, , )

There’s been some outrage over the size of the newest incarnation of Godzilla (which seems silly, because shouldn’t we be complaining about pronouncing it wrong instead?), with Japanese fans of Gojira claiming the American version is too fat, like a schoolboy who’s had too many bags of potato chips.

My God, Tubby, aren't you ashamed?

My God, Tubby, aren’t you ashamed?

You know what? They’re right. Godzilla is too fat. With America in the midst of an obesity epidemic, do we really want our children going to the movies and seeing super-sized kaiju laying waste to nations? Children look up to monsters like Godzilla and Mothra, but mostly Godzilla, because who cares about radioactive moths or whatever.

"My mom cares."

“My mom cares.”

And they’re going to look at Godzilla and they’re going to say: “If Godzilla doesn’t have a thigh gap, why should I?” And their parents are going to say: “Because you’re not a radioactive mutant, sweetie,” and the kids will say: “Shut up, Parents, what do you know?” and then they’re going to eat another bowl of ice cream, because that’s what kids who want to grow up to be Godzilla do.

I, ah, didn't actually expect anything to come up when I googled "Godzilla ice cream," but marketing lesson learned, I guess.

I didn’t actually expect anything to come up when I googled “Godzilla ice cream,” but marketing lesson learned, I guess.

It’s time for American filmmakers to take responsibility for their actions, and give modern audiences a leaner, healthier Godzilla. One who aerobicizes, maybe, if that’s still a thing people do.

"The 1980s called and they said it's called 'Zumba' now."

“The 1980s called and they said it’s called ‘Zumba’ now.”

I know that this opinion might seem crazy, or maybe a bit out there, but, dammit, I love Japan and their radioactive monsters, and it’s time to give them the skinny monsters they deserve.

... that dance.

… that dance.

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Hot Ninja 4ever

September 20, 2013 at 9:24 am (Randomosity) (, )

My mother recently learned that there will be a special Ninja Warrior edition: America vs. Japan. Knowing of my fondness for all things Japanese (except sushi, because ewwww, fish), she wondered: “Who will you cheer for?”

“Um, the hot ones?” I replied.

... And maybe Flip Rodriguez too.

… And maybe Flip Rodriguez too.

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Signs of the impending robot apocalypse

May 3, 2013 at 10:55 am (Top Ten) (, )

I used to think that we’d all be killed off in a zombie apocalypse, but it’s become clear that our desire for technology has far outpaced our necromancy skills. Which means that robots is going to kill us all, just like Bender says.

Here’s a list of how, and why.

1. The Cars that Can Park Themselves. Because once cars can park themselves, it’s one short stop to killing/enslaving humanity.

"First this parking spot; next: the world!"

“First: this parking spot; next: the world!”

2.Vacuum cleaner robots.  Because vacuum cleaner robots, that’s why.

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player. ("Mom, what's a CD player?" says half the internet.)

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player.
(“Mom, what’s a CD player?” says half the internet.)

3. That creepy baby robot that Japan made because Japan hates everything that is good and holy, ever. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

OH GOD THEY'RE FEEDING THAT REAL BABY TO IT NOOOOO.

OH GOD THEY’RE FEEDING THAT REAL BABY TO IT NOOOOO.

4. Our increasing reliance on smartphones. You know that’s what they want.

Or maybe it's just because I'm jealous that my smartphone knows more than me?

Damn smartphones. Think you’re so smart.

5.The gigantic robot spiders. Seriously, really, Japan?

Really?

REALLY?

6. The Japanese robot actroid, because it now has “no fear of crowds.STOP MAKING ME PICK YOU, JAPAN.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait, hold on a sec. *breathes in* GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wait, hold on a sec.
*breathes in*
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

7. The Japanese robot suit because it was created by Cyberdyne BECAUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JAPAN?

"That's right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not."

“That’s right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not.”

8. Shiri, because a robot that is a butt that is called “butt (shiri)” probably wants nothing more than revenge for being brought into the world. Goddammit, Japan, WHY?

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

9. CB2. Because CB2 haunts my dreams.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

10. Oh, and good news: Ropits, the car that can DRIVE ITSELF THEY’RE COMING FOR US OH GOD.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

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