John Wick is a movie starring Keanu Reeves. I read a review that said “we’ve missed him on the screen,” except I’m not really sure everybody did, you know?
(Yes, Keanu Reeves fans, you can direct your hatemail to lokifire@YESIHAVEADIFFERENTOPINIONTHANYOU.COM.)
Anyway, in John Wick, Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, a guy whose wife dies and then his dog dies.
Which sounds exactly like the synopsis for this video, except probably without the awesome ending. (You should go watch this video right now. It’s very funny, and Santa Fe is a very nice song. Yes, even you, Keanu Reeves fans.)
Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood.
47 Ronin could have been a decent movie. In fact, it probably is a decent movie in Japan. Actually, it’s probably 27 decent movies in Japan, and at least one really good one. But here in America, 47 Ronin … looks just terrible. Just ugh. Just oh god so awful. Box-office bomb awful.
And all I have to say about that, Hollywood, is that, well, you deserve it.
Now stop making terrible movies.
I can’t even. I just. WHAT THE HELL?
Why even bother to call it 47 Ronin? I mean, could they have tossed out one ronin or thrown in an extra one, and then they could call it something else instead of saying it’s an adaptation of the classic story of bushido in action, except with dragons, zombies (?) and (worst of all) Keanu Reeves?
Sure, the new Lone Ranger flick has tons of explosions and revenge and justice and train-fight sequences, but you know what else it has?
Johnny Depp. Doing his noble savage impression. In blackface.
WHAT THE HELL HOLLYWOOD.
Apparently, Johnny Depp is either part Cherokee or part Powhatan, which makes it OK, like having Keanu Reeves play a samurai.
Also: Does anyone want to see a Lone Ranger movie? If so, why?
So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.
Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:
Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?
2. Terminator 2
The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.
I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.
4. The Bourne movies
I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.
Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.
6. Sherlock Holmes
Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.
Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.
Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.
9. The Matrix
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness
OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.
So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,
I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.
I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.
Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).
Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.
And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.
It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.
So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.
I mean, what with all the good news lately, you’re starting to make me think we could be … I don’t know … friends or something. Like maybe you were just kidding all those times before and now, Hollywood, you’re ready to make amends.
And I just can’t trust that, Hollywood.
Because I know how you are.
For every (FINALLY THANK YOU GOD FOR SMILING UPON ME I AM SO VERY HAPPY) canceled live-action Akira project, there’s a 47 Ronin STARRING KEANU REEVES. (Looks like the rest of the cast is pretty much Japanese, though, thank heavens for small (very small) favors.)
Anyway, I’m not going to thank you, Hollywood, for killing the live-action Akira movie, because, well, you really don’t deserve it. But if you wanna be friends (and ruin the name of my blog), keep it up and we’ll see.
So I was doing the crossword puzzle the other day (because when you’re unemployed but you’ve got your newspaper subscription paid up through winter, what else are you going to do?), and I was puzzled by this clue: Actor Reeves.
Well, that’s funny, I thought. Christopher’s last name is Reeve, with no “S.” And “Christopher” doesn’t fit anyway.
So I left it blank until later, when I had enough letters to come up with “Keanu.”
So you see why I had trouble.
Knowing that Keanu Reeves won’t be in Akira: The Unnecessary Remake that No One Wants is just the best news ever! I feel so lucky, I am going to go out and buy a lottery ticket right now! Whooo!