John Wick: A movie starring Keanu Reeves

October 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

John Wick is a movie starring Keanu Reeves. I read a review that said “we’ve missed him on the screen,” except I’m not really sure everybody did, you know?

Why'd they mess up Keanu Reeves' face? His face is his best bit!

Why’d they mess up Keanu Reeves’ face? His face is his best bit!

(Yes, Keanu Reeves fans, you can direct your hatemail to lokifire@YESIHAVEADIFFERENTOPINIONTHANYOU.COM.)

Anyway, in John Wick, Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, a guy whose wife dies and then his dog dies.

Which sounds exactly like the synopsis for this video, except probably without the awesome ending. (You should go watch this video right now. It’s very funny, and Santa Fe is a very nice song. Yes, even you, Keanu Reeves fans.)

"UR OPINONS IS STUPID AND UR STUPID" -- a spelling-challenged Keanu Reeves fan, probably.

“UR OPINONS IS STUPID AND UR STUPID” — a spelling-challenged Keanu Reeves fan, probably.

 

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So, yup, 47 Ronin has been released

December 27, 2013 at 5:06 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Oh, Hollywood.

Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood.

47 Ronin could have been a decent movie. In fact, it probably is a decent movie in Japan. Actually, it’s probably 27 decent movies in Japan, and at least one really good one. But here in America, 47 Ronin … looks just terrible. Just ugh. Just oh god so awful. Box-office bomb awful.

At least all these lovely Japanese actors got paid already. Also Keanu Reeves.

At least all these lovely Japanese actors got paid already. Also Keanu Reeves.

And all I have to say about that, Hollywood, is that, well, you deserve it.

Say, is this guy even in the movie?

Say, is this guy even in the movie?

Now stop making terrible movies.

 

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Ugh does 47 Ronin look wretched

July 24, 2013 at 3:46 pm (Randomosity) (, )

UGHHHHHHHHH.

I can’t even. I just. WHAT THE HELL?

Why even bother to call it 47 Ronin? I mean, could they have tossed out one ronin or thrown in an extra one, and then they could call it something else instead of saying it’s an adaptation of the classic story of bushido in action, except with dragons, zombies (?) and (worst of all) Keanu Reeves?

Why does this even exist, if not solely for Hollywood to torment me?

Why does this even exist, if not solely for Hollywood to torment me?

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Why a Lone Ranger movie, Hollywood?

July 3, 2013 at 10:14 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Sure, the new Lone Ranger flick has tons of explosions and revenge and justice and train-fight sequences, but you know what else it has?

Hint: The answer's in this picture.

Helena Bonham Carter?

Johnny Depp. Doing his noble savage impression. In blackface.

Or black-and-white-face, I guess.

Or black-and-white-face, I guess.

WHAT THE HELL HOLLYWOOD.

Apparently, Johnny Depp is either part Cherokee or part Powhatan, which makes it OK, like having Keanu Reeves play a samurai.

Or whatever.

Or whatever.

Also: Does anyone want to see a Lone Ranger movie? If so, why?

No, really, I'm curious. What sort of life have you led that you would want this?

No, really, I’m curious. What sort of life have you led that you would want this?

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Let’s remake some movies

June 4, 2013 at 11:22 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , )

So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.

I think there might be something wrong with me.

I think there might be something wrong with me.

Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:

1. Robocop

Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?

But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.

But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.

2. Terminator 2

The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.

Also, I'm afraid if I heard the words "Come with me if you want to live" in Benedict Cumberbatch's voice, I would probably just die. Seriously, I have an illness.

Also, I’m afraid if I heard the words “Come with me if you want to live” in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice, I would probably just die.
Seriously, I have an illness.

3. Taken

I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.

They wouldn't even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.

They wouldn’t even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.

4. The Bourne movies

I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.

Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.

Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.

5.The Thing

Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.

Should I seek professional help?

Should I seek professional help?

6. Sherlock Holmes

Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.

7. Batman

Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.

Sherlock Holmes > Batman.

Sherlock Holmes > Batman.

8. Versus

Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.

It's the Mary Poppins of movies. Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of "Chim-Chim-Chiree."

It’s the Mary Poppins of movies.
Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of “Chim-Chim-Chiree.”

9. The Matrix

Bullet-time Cumberbatch!

What time is it? It's BULLET Time!

What time is it?
It’s BULLET Time!

10. Star Trek: Into Darkness

OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.

Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes' Adventures in Space.

Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes’ Adventures in Space.

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So you think you’re dating Keanu Reeves: A modern teen’s guide

May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!

(But probably not!)

Let’s find out anyway:

1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden  (yet attractive) actor?

Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.

Lift weights or take acting classes? Lift weights or take acting classes?

2. Does he ever smile?

I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.

Happy?

3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?

Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.

Wow, he really does look like King Mob.

Well, it’s not like Hollywood ever gets “pasty” and “British” right, anyway.

4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?

And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?

Mmmm, trench coat-y.

5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?

“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”

6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?

Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?

Because Spike is the best, that’s why.

7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?

“I’m an actor,” he replied.

Acting!

8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.

“What are you, a film critic?” he said.

9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”

“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.

10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”

You’re blackmailing someone, right?

So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.

Awwww, sad Keanu.

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A love letter to (Shotaro) Kaneda

July 21, 2011 at 4:50 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,

I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.

The perfect boy has a laser gun.

I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.

Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).

He was so awesome, he rode to work hanging onto the fronts of trains. Because he could, that's why.

Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.

Or the other one. Whichever.

And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.

And why?

It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.

Oh, Kaneda. So much psychic ass did you kick.

So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.

And a post-apocalyptic Neo-Tokyo to rule.

Stay classy!

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Stop making me say thank you, Hollywood

July 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm (Randomosity) (, )

I mean, what with all the good news lately, you’re starting to make me think we could be … I don’t know … friends or something. Like maybe you were just kidding all those times before and now, Hollywood, you’re ready to make amends.

And I just can’t trust that, Hollywood.

Because I know how you are.

For every (FINALLY THANK YOU GOD FOR SMILING UPON ME I AM SO VERY HAPPY) canceled live-action Akira project, there’s a 47 Ronin STARRING KEANU REEVES. (Looks like the rest of the cast is pretty much Japanese, though, thank heavens for small (very small) favors.)

Neo-Tokyo doesn't trust you either, Hollywood.

Anyway, I’m not going to thank you, Hollywood, for killing the live-action Akira movie, because, well, you really don’t deserve it. But if you wanna be friends (and ruin the name of my blog), keep it up and we’ll see.

Well, at least I won't have to make tee-shirts.

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Silly crossword

July 6, 2011 at 1:56 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So I was doing the crossword puzzle the other day (because when you’re unemployed but you’ve got your newspaper subscription paid up through winter, what else are you going to do?), and I was puzzled by this clue: Actor Reeves.

Well, that’s funny, I thought. Christopher’s last name is Reeve, with no “S.” And “Christopher” doesn’t fit anyway.

So I left it blank until later, when I had enough letters to come up with “Keanu.”

So you see why I had trouble.

See, it's because the clue said "Actor," and he's just, you know, NOT.

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I’m so happy, I could kiss a pig

May 18, 2011 at 10:01 am (Randomosity) (, , )

Knowing that Keanu Reeves won’t be in Akira: The Unnecessary Remake that No One Wants is just the best news ever! I feel so lucky, I am going to go out and buy a lottery ticket right now! Whooo!

And, after I've won the lottery, I'm totally having a motorcycle custom-made for me.

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