Days of Future Past doesn’t even make sense, title-wise
I finally saw the new X-Men movie. I know you’re all deeply happy for me, and want to hear all about it. But what can I say that hasn’t been said by reviewers who saw it much, much earlier than I did?
Well, plenty, actually! Here’s some random observations about Days of Future Past.
First off, remember when I saw X-Men: First Class, and I just couldn’t wait to find out what happened to all the cool mutants? Well, it turns out they died offscreen, especially Banshee, because no one wants me or Caleb Landry Jones to be happy.
Except maybe his stylist.
Kitty Pryde’s ability to send people’s consciousness (es?) back to the past is never explained, but it’s probably okay because poor old Shadowcat has some difficulty understanding how time works because she talks about Wolverine’s consciousness flipping back and forth between the “past and the future,” because she clearly forgot she already lives in the future, thus making it the present.
“Man, I can’t even tell if this is the future or not anymore.”
Speaking of Kitty Pryde, I can now understand all the complaints about not having her go back in time like in the original comic that I never read, because holy crap the past is a total sausage fest. (Related story: When I made the mistake of describing the movie in those terms to my mother, she was horrified: “Is that appropriate for your daughter?” “Well, I’d agree that women definitely deserve more representation in the film industry and … oh, you thought it was some sort of porn thing, didn’t you?”) The only lady mutant in the past is Mystique, and all the boys love her, even Magneto, who’s also trying to murder her. Also, I’m not sure she even counts as a lady, because she spends about half the movie disguised as various men.
Man, just look at all that sausage!
Thanks to Wolverine’s trip back to the ’70s, we now know he travels commando. Also, that a naked ass shot must be included in Hugh Jackman’s contract, because his ass is a thing of magnificent beauty that should be shown to all. (Related story: As my daughter and I were discussing Hugh Jackman’s fine, naked ass, we were coming up with synonyms for the word “butt,” including “gluteus maximus,” which led to me saying “And his gluteus certainly is maximus,” which led to my daughter saying she wants to live with her father now because please stop talking mommy.)
“Imma have to hurt you now. I’m sorry, but the chafing makes me so angry.”
I was actually surprised when Storm died, even though everybody said that Storm died, I just wasn’t expecting it right then, but as she fell to her doom, I had to wonder: Who wears spike heels in a dystopian future?
I’d tell her to run, but she wouldn’t get very far in those heels, anyway.
My daughter and I agreed that Blink was the best mutant in the future, and also that Fan Bingbing is very pretty.
Gosh, just so pretty.
Quicksilver was the best mutant in the past, even if he didn’t realize he was jailbreaking his own dad, and where was his twin sister The Scarlet Witch? The only reference to his parentage was an oblique reference to his mother having known a guy who could manipulate metal back in the day.
You know, the special effects were good, but maybe they could’ve done a little more work on his ridiculous hair?
Peter Dinklage has a beautiful, beautiful voice, and I think someone should make a movie with him and Caleb Landry Jones just talking and being awesome, and maybe throw some ladies in there, all right, Hollywood?
Besides, ladies appreciate a well-dressed man like Mssr. Dinklage here.
So there you go. It was a decent movie, and if I think about it too hard, I’ll probably find many, many things wrong with it other than SERIOUSLY CAST SOME WOMEN DAMMIT, but it was perfectly serviceable, and at least Young Magneto did stuff.
Like wearing this fabulous hat.
So you think you’re dating Wolverine: A modern teen’s guide
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
If he's THIS short and hairy, then you're dating A wolverine, not Wolverine.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
And what's wrong with those guys?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
Oh, and she almost destroyed the universe or something?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
If it's anterograde amnesia, then you're probably dating this guy.
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
"I could just use a little privacy right now, OK?"
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
There's only one thing more awesome than Elijah Snow, and we already know that's Sherlock Holmes.
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
"Look, can't I just promise not to murder anybody and you'll let me get on the plane?"
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
Or hooked up with her that one time when they both got really drunk?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
He's the best at what he does, and what he does is sell comic books.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
Seriously, though, it's a tragic weakness.
So you think you’re dating a robot: A modern teen’s guide
All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.
Well, maybe he’s a robot!
Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.
1. Does he want to destroy humanity?
It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.
"Hey, Baby, wanna kill all humans?"
2. Does he come from the future?
Some robots come from the future.
Everything is pimpin' in the future. ESPECIALLY the robots.
3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?
I just really wanted to get that one in there.
Shakespeare reference alert! Shakespeare reference alert!
4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?
Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?
Or send you into convulsions of pants-wetting terror at the mere sight of him?
5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?
Transformers are robots, aren’t they?
I mean, they LOOK like robots, but you know the old saying: "There's more than meets the eye."
6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?
And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?
Or his bare pincers, I guess.
7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?
Handy!
8. Can he time travel?
Some robots can time travel.
AND kill everything in their paths.
9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?
This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.
Also, he looks like this, which should really have clued you in in the first place.
10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?
Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d’ve already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.
"Jerks."
A love letter to Banshee
Dear Banshee,
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
Of course, the internet only has the one good picture of you, so I guess it's on to pictures of the actor who plays you.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
But that won't stop me from saying: Get a haircut, ya damn hippie.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
Awwww, you have the cutest little smile; I just want to pack you a lunch and make sure you get your homework done!
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and then there's this picture of you and you are so GODDAMN CUTE with all the freckles.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Oooh, it's a slightly different picture of you! I couldn't be more excited.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
I wouldn't blame her for saying no, though. I am a dirty old lady.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
You could send me photographs of your close, personal friend Magneto!
Love you!
Yes, Banshee, my love is so enduring I forgive you for those glasses or whatever.
Why did I really, really like X-Men: First Class?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Look at all those mutants! Especially the one on our left. Mrow.
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
He has the superpower of I can't take my eyes off him.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
Banshee, I would totally tousle your hair when my new boyfriend Young Magneto isn't looking.
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
You know, sexy, blonde, kind of ridiculous looking in crystal form.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
Although I do hate the codename "Magneto," because I'm always like, "But magnets can't do that!"
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
I couldn't find any pictures of that scene, so please enjoy this image of Michael Fassbender and a glass of water. I know I will.
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
While he's in an experimental jet?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I've never understood why his codename was Winter, though.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
I think it's the dignified manner that makes me more forgiving.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
Or, um, anything really.
Gandalf vs. Magneto
I know, I know. You’d think this would be a battle between Gandalf and that one wizard from the Harry Potter books who looks a lot like him because everybody is always comparing the two. And I suppose it would be, except what is that wizard’s name anyway?
Also: Two Ian McKellans! You can’t go wrong with that.
Especially when the Internet has gone to the trouble of photoshopping their pictures together for you!
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gandalf is a wizard in the Lord of the Rings who looks pretty much the way you’d expect a wizard to do, with the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan.
Who I suspect is actually a wizard himself.
Magneto is a master of magnetism, who, like many a robot before him, hates puny humans. Also, he has the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan. Both these guys look like Ian McKellan, so it’s a tie, right? Not so fast, friend! Magneto was played by that one guy in the prequel, who was hot, but not so hot, apparently, that I can remember his name. Still, he was pretty hot.
Ever so hot.
Winner? Magneto.
More powerful? Magneto, as mentioned previously, is a master of magnetism. Which means blah blah blah science, he is practically all powerful. Also, he can kick Wolverine’s ass a lot, which is funny. Also, he has a cool (?) helmet that blocks Professor X’s mind control.
Everybody needs a mind power-blocking helmet, I swear.
On the other hand, Gandalf is a powerful wizard. At first he’s a grey wizard, but then, after a battle against a flame monster, he becomes a white wizard somehow. (What? Yes, I didn’t read the books, as a matter of fact, why do you ask?) White wizards are something something magic, so he’s all powerful too. Although he doesn’t have the nifty helmet.
It's iconic!
Winner? Gandalf, because magic beats science any day. Well, except in reality, but reality can go to hell.
Has a cooler entourage? It’s not like people (read as: mutants and wizards) as powerful as Magneto and Gandalf really have a lot of friends. No, they have followers. And who follows Magneto? Well, in the first X-Men movie, you’ve got Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad. Bonus points for Toad being played by Ray Park, a god among men.
A god, I tell you!
In the second movie, it’s mostly Mystique, but then Johnny Whatsisname hooks up with them, so that’s cool, I guess. In the third movie, let’s pretend I had a stroke and never saw it.
Instead, let's think about just how much ass Mystique kicked up until that point.
Gandalf is part of a fellowship, some might say. The fellowship includes some hobbits, an extremely pretty elf with the superpower of arrowing you right in the brains…
Yup, someone's about to get it in the brains, all right.
…some human guy with a magic sword or something (What? Why, yes, I did kind of zone out during the movies, why do you ask?) and a dwarf. Bonus points for the dwarf being played by Jonathan Rhys Davies, a king among men.
A veritable king.
Winner? The guy with all the mutants on his side: Magneto.
Fights a greater evil? Gandalf and his fellowship must face off against the mighty Sauron, who is so evil he manifests as a giant, hideous eye floating in the sky. That’s pretty evil, IÂ guess. On the other hand, Magneto is the great evil that must be defeated in the X-Men movies and comic books. So, uh, winner? Gandalf.
Better costume? Gandalf’s costume is the traditional wizard garb of a flowing cloak and magic staff (or walking cane, I guess. I totally didn’t see the third movie at all). Magneto’s costume is the traditional evil villain garb of smashing black with a dandy cape. Also, he’s got that helmet.
Except in this picture, for some reason.
Winner? Magneto.
Doesn’t murder any hobbits? You know, for an all-powerful being forced to spend so much time with those annoying little hobbits, Gandalf sure kills way less of them than you would think. The total is none, as far as I can tell, but if he goes on some sort of hobbit-murdering spree in the third movie, I’m sure someone will correct me in the comments. And insult my parentage. Magneto also doesn’t kill any hobbits, but he does kill a bunch of humans, so we’ll give this one to Gandalf. Winner? Gandalf.
I mean, just looking at this photo sends me into a murderous rage.
Doesn’t have to deal with any hideous little henchmen? Sure, some people might think it’s hideous the way Toad uses his tongue for … well, everything, but those people have forgotten that he’s played by Ray Park and Ray Park wins at everything. Then you’ve got the third X-Men movie, which doesn’t exist. Moving right along, Gandalf has to put up with Gollum, one of the most hideous pieces of CGI ever put to film. Winner? Magneto.
Has better hair? Man, I’ll bet it takes Gandalf hours to comb all the tangles out. Winner? Gandalf.
I'll bet it would look nice in an updo, too.
The tiebreaker: Has a cooler means of transportation? Gandalf rides on a magical white horse, which is cool, because how does he keep that thing from getting dirty? (Magic, right?) On the other hand, Magneto uses the power of magnetism to fly, which I’m sure is totally scientifically possible.
Winner? Magneto.
Overall winner? Magneto, but it might have been Gandalf if I cared more about the source material.
Sure, it's filled with references from Norse mythology, but it's just so ... hobbit-y, you know?
I will probably have to see X-Men: First Class
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I'm sorry, but this movie looks brilliant and I can't think of a single snarky thing to say.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
Stuff and things?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
I think I could be happily married to this man's jawline alone.
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
Soooooo retro!
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Or cluster headaches. Superpowers or cluster headaches.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.
And join the Michael Fassbender fan club.
Hollywood Hates Me 