My brother and I don’t have much in common
So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.
When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.
“I … can’t believe you would say that to me.”
So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.
1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.
They’re both made of cow parts, probably.
2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?
“Ugh. Yes.”
3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.
4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.
Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!
5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.
“Buh?”
… is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.
6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.
7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.
Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.
8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?
… And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?
9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.
10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?
It’s definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.
Marilyn Monroe > Heidi Klum
Recently, I saw an ad on TV with Heidi Klum singing “Happy Birthday” in a super-sultry voice.
“She’s sure no Marilyn Monroe,” I said.
“Well, she’s alive and Marilyn Monroe is dead,” said my mother.
“THAT IS ONE OF THE MANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THEM, YES,” I replied.
“And I’ll destroy you if you ever try to compare the two again.”
Some like Some Like it Hot
Last night, I took my mother to the movie theater to see Some Like it Hot. I’ve seen Some Like it Hot at least a dozen times, but I’d never watched it on the big screen before.
Because it was made in 1959, and I wasn’t.
Anyway, it’s one of my favorite movies, and it was totally worth the $5 admission fee. (Although my mother saw some people walk out, which is ridiculous, because how can you walk out on one of the funniest movies ever????)
“Not enough fart jokes.”
There were actually a few people in the audience who had never seen it before, which was neat — when Marilyn Monroe makes her first appearance, someone gasped loudly: “There she is!”
There she is indeed.
And of course, everyone adored the best tango sequence ever…
They are the cutest movie couple EVER. I hope those two crazy kids will be happy together.
… and I got, for the first time, the joke with the grapefruit. (Y’see, George Raft plays Spats Colombo, this gangster type, and he just about smooshes a grapefruit into the face of one of his bodyguards/yes men, which is totally a reference to James Cagney’s Public Enemy.)
Poor Mae Clark, shown here in her most famous movie scene.
Then at the end, when everybody was riding off on the boat together to get married (especially Daphne and Osgood) and the classic line was uttered (check out entry number five), everybody clapped.
Or, at least, I clapped really loudly.
My hair’s fine like this!, or, Why I’m not seeing Hit and Run
I don’t wanna see Hit and Run.
Oh, God, this movie can’t possibly end without that gorgeous car being destroyed, can it?
It’s for a very stupid reason, one that is so stupid I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. But then I think, hey, if I cared about looking stupid, would I style my hair like this?
If Marilyn Monroe can do it, I would like very much to do it also.
Anyway, the stupid, illogical reason that I don’t wanna see Hit and Run is because I don’t think Guy From Parenthood is good enough for Veronica Mars.
Look at him! He’s wearing THIS HAT!
What makes this reasoning especially stupid and illogical is I don’t know anything about the actor himself. Not his name, not his personality, not what color his eyes are.
Speaking of eye color, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch and his gorgeous eyes, because I have an illness!
All I know about him is that in the brief previews I’ve seen for Parenthood, his character looks like a big, dumb wanker, and I don’t want that associating with Veronica Mars, the best fictional female detective ever! (Except for Miss Marple. Ooooh, new fictional character battle?)
Her hat is much better than whatsisname’s.
So I’m sure (OK, make that not quite sure, but possibly a bit positive) that Hit and Run is sheer comedy genius (I mean, jeez, that’s what the trailers are telling me!), but it doesn’t matter because Guy From Parenthood shouldn’t be dating Veronica Mars.
Veronica + Logan 4evah!
What? No, it’s cool, I can still ship them, years later. I have an illness.
Another topic upon which I am a stickler for stupid details
Fictionally speaking, I’m very snobbish about my Sherlock Holmes. Which you knew already.
But perhaps you didn’t know, unless you’ve been in my house and have seen my collection that borders on insanity, I adore Marilyn Monroe. Also, I’m not a hoarder.
Pictured here: Oh, look! It's my dream home!
Anyway, opening in my town this weekend is My Week with Marilyn, which I refuse to see on the general principle that Michelle Williams is not actually Marilyn Monroe.
Close, but no cigar. ... Oooh, maybe if we gave her a cigar ... ?
Is that stupid?
Yes. Yes, it is.
But I stand by my stupidity. Because I am deeply illogical when it comes to things I love.
Marilyn Monroe. Like the Highlander, there can only be one.
Holding babies over things: a guide to increased celebrity
With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.
Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.
1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.
Man, that canyon sure is grand!
2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.
This blender is called the "Ultimate Chopper." For what it does to babies' fingers.
3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.
Always remember: cassowaries want to kill you AND all your children.
4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.
And make sure to point out the difference, because most people can't tell these hellbeasts apart.
5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”
You could set your clock to Old Faithful, if you don't want your clock to be completely accurate.
6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!
The giant goddamn fangs are nature's way of saying "don't pet."
7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”
He's suicidal, just like that man in the business suit!
8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.
I wish I was drunk.
9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”
"Annie, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?"
10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.
I'm sure they're also fans of Marilyn Monroe films.
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Hollywood Hates Me 