A love letter to Indiana Jones

July 19, 2016 at 8:39 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Indiana Jones,

I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Daddy issues, probably.

Daddy issues, probably.

Actually, I did go through a phase where I wasn’t that into you, but that’s because my brother was going through a phase where he wore khakis and a fedora, carried a whip, and wanted to be an archeologist, and it just felt wrong to love you then.

Like this, but it's your brother and not some random cosplayer.

Like this, but it’s your brother and not some random cosplayer.

But other than that, I have always, always loved you.

(About as much as I love Han Solo.)

Dear Han Solo: I've always loved you since I was a little girl.

Dear Han Solo:
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Which is why I think we should get married.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl for you. Hell, I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl, full stop. She’s brave, beautiful, can handle alcohol well, and she just seems really like a lot of fun to be around.

And she's all like: "Eat my smoke, Nazi!"

And she’s all like: “Eat my smoke, Nazi!”

There’s only one problem with Marion Ravenwood, Indiana. When you procreate with her, you create a Shia LeBeouf.

LOOK AT HIS STUPID HAT! LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT HIS STUPID HAT! LOOK AT IT!

And that’s terrible. That’s just terrible.

Now I, on the other hand, have a beautiful, talented, non-plagiarizing daughter, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

So, let’s get married.

Just you, me and your whip.

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don't know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don’t know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!

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