The Hobbit is making me so confused

December 19, 2014 at 12:45 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

So I guess I’d kind of forgotten the second Hobbit movie already came out, and that the new one was the third one, because … well, why are there three Hobbit movies anyway? I mean, I love Martin Freeman almost as much as anybody, and I definitely love Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice (and face, and fashion sense) more than is healthy, but I wouldn’t have minded them only being in one Hobbit flick. That would be A-OK with me.

Because I live in the 1950s.

Because I live in the 1950s.

Anyway, I’d blocked the previous Hobbit movie completely out of my memory because of trauma or boredom or something, so I thought this one was the second one and not the third one, but it turns out it’s the third one and not the second one. That’s really all I have to say about that, except I read this strange review where the writer claimed people were complaining about Peter Jackson cutting storylines and characters, and I was like, “Wait, aren’t people complaining because he’s adding storylines and characters, thus making what should only rightfully be one movie into three movies?”

Oh, God, I forgot Ian McKellan is in these. Also, how to spell McKellen.

Oh, God, I forgot Ian McKellan is in these. Also, how to spell McKellen.

Right. So, there’s a third Hobbit movie. I didn’t see the first two, either. I guess I should get out more. Do you guys have any good recommendations? And don’t say A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, because my stupid town isn’t going to get it, because my stupid town hates black and white films written in Farsi about vampires.

My stupid town should care more about what I want.

My stupid town should care more about what I want.

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Yea Sherlock’s back Yea!

January 2, 2014 at 9:46 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

Yea Sherlock Series 3 premiered in Europe yesterday and thanks to the magic of illegal downloads on the Internet, I have watched “The Empty Hearse.” Disappointingly, there were no empty hearses in the episode, outside of a group of conspiracy theorists calling themselves such, but I guess not every television show can have shoutouts to my profession.

(I work at a funeral home, if you forgot, so every time someone dies on TV, they are speaking directly to me.)

"Yes, I know that you exist and totally care that you do."

“Yes, I know that you exist and totally care that you do.”

Anyhow, to SPOILERS ALERT all over the place, “The Empty Hearse” opens with an explanation of Holmes’s faked death so ridiculous that I screamed “STOP KISSING MOLLY EWWWWW NOOOOOOO!”

No! Wrong! Bad! No!!!!

No! Wrong! Bad! No!!!!

Luckily, shortly after I found a paper bag to breathe into, it was revealed that the whole scenario was completely made up and hadn’t happened at all.

"Faked it!"

“Faked it!”

Then some Serbians capture some hairy shirtless guy and they’re torturing him, and I was like, “Hmmmm, those slightly-sloped shoulders look familiar. Haven’t I seen them in Sherlock Series 2 Episode 1?” And it was Benedict Cumberbatch, shirtless, and I had to find another paper bag to breathe in because BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, SHIRTLESS.

Heh. Heh heheheh heh.

Heh heheheh heh.

(I just got so many hits to this post, you don’t even know.)

Then John Watson and his ridiculous mustache show up, and there’s this cute bit where Holmes tries to reveal himself to Watson and it doesn’t work at first, and then it does, and then I was like, “Punch him, Watson, punch him!”, but Watson settled for a nice throttling instead. Ooooh, and then he headbutted him.

Later, he shaves this, THANK GOD.

Later, he shaves this, THANK GOD.

And then Holmes teams up with Molly, and I was all like, “NOOOOOO STOP HANGING OUT WITH MOLLY YOU ARE HURTING MY IMAGINATION,” and then it turns out Molly is engaged or something, so it was all okay.

And then some bad guy kidnaps Watson and Holmes commandeers a motorcycle to rescue him, with Watson’s fiancee Mary holding onto his waist, which is totally my Sherlock Holmes fantasy, except I’m driving the motorcycle and he’s holding onto my waist, and we cruise through the streets of London together and fight crime and everyone tells me how pretty my hair looks.

"And your motorcycle leathers are just so stylish!"

“And your motorcycle leathers are just so stylish!”

Later, they save Watson and then reveal how Holmes really faked his death! He was in on it with Moriarty! And then they kissed, which I totally called.

"Eh. More likely than him kissing Molly," I said.

“Eh. More likely than him kissing Molly,” I said.

Except that’s also a fakeout!

And then there’s a guy that disappears from a subway train in London! And an underground network! And Mycroft Holmes being so cute and uptight, you just want to pinch his little cheeks!

And then I used this picture, because HOLMES BROTHERS.

And then I used this picture, because HOLMES BROTHERS.

And then the Holmes Srs., whom I thought were an aunt and an uncle, and not the folks! And then a bomb! And then Holmes explains how he really faked his death, which is actually just as implausible as the fakeouts!

Then we meet Molly’s new boyfriend, who is Sherlock’s long-lost fraternal twin brother, and then Holmes puts on a deerstalker cap and then I smoked a cigarette because it was just that good.

Anyway, welcome back, Sherlock! I’m glad it didn’t take you 10 years to return!

Gosh, I hope I'm invited to Watson's wedding!

Gosh, I hope I’m invited to Watson’s wedding!

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City of Bones sounds cool, but probably isn’t

August 23, 2013 at 11:11 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Like, seriously, how cool would a city of bones be? Or, you know, horrifying, depending on your stance on cities made out of bones.

"Um ... ick?"

“Um … ick?”

But then you find out that before you get to the City of Bones, you have to spend some serious quality time with Eyebrow Girl and her friend Blonde Guy Who Talks Snooty, and then you start reconsidering your vacation to the City of Bones.

"Tell you what, guys, I'll take my chances hitchhiking, okay?"

“Tell you what, guys, I’ll take my chances hitchhiking, okay?”

And that’s why I need you to go to The World’s End with me, because we all love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and Watson.

Although, guys, I'm not sure how I feel about a brunette Simon Pegg. That's just too weird.

Although, guys, I’m not sure how I feel about a brunette Simon Pegg. That’s just too weird.

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Watson is a Hobbit now!

December 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

So, yea, you guys! The Hobbit opens this weekend! And I’ve heard it’s really, really long. Like super-long! Like why-did-they-split-it-into-three-movies long!

And that’s great because it means three times as much Watson, it does! (Or, you know, Martin Freeman, whatever.)

Yea!! Watson with a sword!

Yea!! Watson with a sword!

Now, being a person who only read The Hobbit once in high school and didn’t particularly like it at the time, I don’t know much about Hobbits except that this song is still awesome. So I was expecting to learn great things from the trailer. And I totally did.

Like Ian McKellan is still the bestest ever, and I want him to be in all the movies all the time.

Or he could give up the movies and just be my friend?

Or he could give up the movies and just be my friend?

Other than that, though, I’m not sure.

(I think the trailer was counting on me to be smarter than I am?)

What I could glean, though, is that Bilbo Baggins, who will grow up to be Ian Holm, is visited by Gandalf the Wizard and a whole bucketload of dwarves and maybe a guy who’s supposed to be a human or something? (He seemed taller than the rest, but I didn’t see any pointy ears, but I have to say that he had a lot of hair all over the place, so there might have been pointy ears hiding somewhere.)

Maybe he's just a taller dwarf?

Maybe he’s just a taller dwarf?

And somehow, they talk Bilbo Baggins into going on an adventure of some kind, to claim mumble mumble, part where I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. And I have to say: More power to them! Go adventuring, you dwarves, wizards, Hobbits and possibly humans! And on the way, I hope you learn the power of proper enunciation!

Also, there’s giants who want to eat Bilbo Baggins, like, don’t they know he’s famous now?, and a scary cliff crossing and that horrid, horrid Gollum is back.

I mean, clearly these guys are asking for his autograph.

I mean, clearly these guys are asking for his autograph.

Anyway, long story short: Making a long story short is something Peter Jackson can’t do. Making a short story long?


Yeah, he's got that covered.

Yeah, he’s got that covered.


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Playing for Keeps: Even Gerard Butler’s hair can’t save it

December 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

I really want Gerard Butler to be in good movies. He looks like he should be in good movies. He’s got that face and those arms and that accent …. (He’s got an accent, right?)

"Does it matter?"

“Does it matter?”

But he insists on, you know, not, and so we’ve got the rom-com Playing for Keeps, which looks just truly horribly wretched, and also begs the question How have these women heard of a soccer player, anyway? I mean, is this movie set in Europe or something? But it can’t be, because it calls “football” “soccer,” which only Americans call it. So why do these women know who this soccer player is?

Because they're ACTUAL soccer moms, I guess?

Because they’re ACTUAL soccer moms, I guess?

(Quick — if you’re one of my American readers, name an American soccer player. Not Mia Hamm!)

Anyway, blah blah blah, everyone loves the soccer player, because he looks like Gerard Butler, of course, except he loves the woman he left behind. Like, who doesn’t love the woman they left behind, except my ex-boyfriends, who all went on (mysteriously) to lead happy, productive lives.

But enough about me! Let’s talk some more about this stupid movie that everyone on Rotten Tomatoes hates!

Or actually, let’s not. We’ve given it enough of our time.

So when does The Hobbit open?

Watson is even cuter with pointy ears and a sword, I think.

Watson is even cuter with pointy ears and a sword, I think.

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Sgt. Nicholas Angel vs. Sherlock Holmes

June 14, 2012 at 11:28 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

Because do I really have to explain?

I love this guy.

I also love this guy.

On to the battle!

(Seriously, I don’t think I really have to explain.)

Physicality. If you put Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg in a room together and told me I could only have one of them, I would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep, unable to choose. In the end, though, I’d remember how much I love really tall men, and take the modern-day Sherlock home with me. (I’d put him on my collectibles shelf, of course.) Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, by virtue of being taller than Simon Pegg. Er, I mean, Sherlock Holmes.

This lovely photo doesn’t hurt his case either.

Loves his work more than anything else, except for one special person? Sherlock Holmes lives for the thrill of solving crimes, the more interesting the better. He doesn’t much care for the human race (like, who does, right, bunch of 50 Shades of Grey-loving bastards that they are anyway), except for his bestest buddy of all: Dr. John “Hobbit” Watson. Sgt. Nicholas Angel doesn’t exactly live for the thrill of solving crime, but he sure enjoys everything being all neat and orderly and, you know, solved. He got dumped by his fiancee because he loved his job more than her, and was destined to a life of lonely police work until he met that one special person, Danny Butterman. Winner? It’s a tie.

… And they lived happily ever after.

Is more badass? Until Sherlock Holmes bends a fire poker with his bare hands on Sherlock, I wait with bated breath for an action sequence better than the ones in the second episode of Season 1. On the other hand, Sgt. Nicholas Angel can do flips over fences and all sorts of wonderful stuff and I love him soooooo much! Winner? It’s a tie

Now please enjoy one of my favorite movie scenes ever:

Knows how to drive? I have seen no evidence that Sherlock Holmes knows how to drive, what with most incarnations of him living before there were such things as “cars,” and his most current incarnation taking cabs everywhere (I mean, if they even call them cabs in London, right? Ha, ha, ha, those funny Brits). Sgt. Nicholas Angel, though, can drive, and often does so. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.

Flips his coat lapel up frequently? You know who does such a thing frequently? Sherlock Holmes frequently does such a thing. I’m not sure Sgt. Nicholas Angel’s coat even has lapels. This doesn’t seem fair at all. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

It’s totally a thing he does.

Defeats an evil cabal of town elders? Unfortunately for Sherlock Holmes, London is much too large to be under the control of an evil cabal of town leaders, which is a shame, because I think he’d have fun with that. Sgt. Nicholas Angel, however, SPOILER ALERT I guess, totally does defeat an evil cabal of town elders. And then the jail explodes. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.

They’re so evil, they have to wear these capes to all town functions.

Is a bit, shall we say, nit-picky? Sherlock Holmes once traveled all the way to, I don’t know, Belarus or someplace, to correct a criminal on the proper tense of death by hanging. However, Sgt. Nicholas Angel carries two pens with him at all times, God I love him, and insists on calling cops police officers and does all sorts of stuff by the book, because he is the best and I love him. Winner? It’s a tie.

Faked his own death? Sherlock Holmes faked the hell out of his own death, what with pretending he’d died in a plummet from Reichenbach Falls and all, fooling the world, his own best friend, and all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s readers. Mostly this is because Sir Doyle really did kill off Holmes, and retconned him back into existence, but faked his own death it is! Sgt. Nicholas Angel didn’t actually fake his own death, but he pretended to be dead when Danny stabbed him, so that kind of counts, right? Winner? It’s a tie!

The ultimate, tie-breaking question: Who has a cuter sidekick/BFF? Awww, jeez, this is rough. I mean, Dr. John Watson is so Martin Freeman-y, what with the cute blonde hair and that face — but Danny Butterman is the adorable Nick Frost, who is just so cute and I love him and I can’t decide!!! Winner? It’s a tie-ish?

Ooooh, Watson in a great suit!

Um, overall winner? Hah, I’m just kidding. The winner is Sherlock Holmes, because he always wins these things.

It’s just that, he’s, you know, SHERLOCK HOLMES.

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A love letter to Dr. John Watson

February 16, 2012 at 12:53 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Dr. John Hamish Watson,

I have various and sundry reasons for loving you, not the least of which is because you are Sherlock Holmes’ best friend, and Sherlock Holmes is a god among fictional characters, making you, like, the Jesus of fictional characters or something. (The analogy kind of ran away with me there.) Also, you’re loyal, good with a gun, apparently irresistible to women and on occasion you look like Martin Freeman or Jude Law.

Who's a sexy little hobbit, eh?

Mmmm, dashing!

In addition to that, you’d satisfy my mother’s desire that, since it appears I won’t be making a success of myself, I marry a doctor, while at the same time annoying my mother because, really, you’re not that successful of a doctor, plus you’re always off gallivanting around with that consulting detective fellow.

"Gallivanting? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?" -- My Mom

In any case (heh, case), I’d like you to consider my proposal seriously, for these reasons:

1) I promise not to be jealous of the time you spend with your best buddy Sherlock Holmes as long as you promise to get me his autograph;

2) Or maybe, instead of his autograph, we could all three hang out? That would be nice;

3) Or if you’ve got something else to do, I’m amenable to solving crimes with the man while you’re busy;

4) And if that’s not cool, then could you just pretend not to notice when I follow you guys around London?

And 5) and most importantly: I will never, never write any slash fiction about you and Sherlock Holmes. I promise that so hard, Dr. John Watson, you just don’t even know.

Honest, Dr. John Watson, I feel a little guilty even using this image here.

Please consider me as a candidate for your second or fifth or whatever bride, Dr. John Watson. I do love you. Really. Just not quite as much as Sherlock Holmes.

He'll always love you more than I ever could. Also, could you give me his number?

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Why did I like Sherlock (season 2, episode 1) a whole bunch?

January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

Ehhh, like you were expecting me to hate the second season of Sherlock or something, right?

That's just crazy talk.

Anyway, thanks to the advice of some of my lovely readers (who directed me to the Sherlock streaming videos), I was able to watch two and 1/3 episodes of Sherlock (Season 2) last night before falling asleep and drooling all over the computer keyboard.

So here’s my thoughts on the first episode, because I was still mostly awake by then.

A Scandal in Belgravia is, of course, based on the (in?)famous first Holmes Story: A Scandal in Bohemia. Featuring none other than Irene Adler, whom I have an irrational hatred for, thanks to everybody but Sir Arthur Conan Doyle trying to make her into Holmes’ romantic interest. So, knowing she lay ahead (hahahaha, that could totally be a double entrende, right?) (no, you can tell it’s supposed to be funny because I wrote out the sound of laughter), I went into the episode with mixed expectations.

And? I still hate Irene Adler. I’m irrational like that. But it sure was fun to watch her make Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock squirm for a good hour and a half.

Stop standing so close to my TV boyfriend, you fictional hussy.

Anyhoos, my favorite bits were:

Moriarty’s ringtone is “Stayin’ Alive!” because of course it is. Right then, I fell a bit in love with Moriarty. Also, when he threatened to skin someone and wear them as shoes.

I wish we could see his feet in this photo, so we could tell who he's wearing as shoes with this snazzy suit.

“Irene Adler? She’s known as ‘The Woman,'” because nice callback to the original canon, you guys!

And, of course, everybody running around naked or in bedsheets, especially Benedict Cumberbatch, huzzah!

Heh. Heh heh heh heh. Heh.

Also, when Holmes asks Watson to punch him in the face and he won’t do it, so Holmes punches Watson and then Watson totally tries to kill him.

I think, in a real fight, Watson could maybe take Holmes. He's scrappy!

Ooh, ooh, and when Sherlock throws that guy out the window for assaulting Mrs. Hudson, like, when I saw that he’d hurt her, I was like “Kill him, Sherlock! Kill him!”, but I guess maiming is OK too.

Mrs. Hudson, I would maim anyone and anything if you would be my landlady.

And the bit with that poor, put-upon morgue girl who’s got the crush on Sherlock, like, how low is her self-esteem that she can’t just give up on that jerk already? (And I thought when he was saying all those awful, awful things about her lipstick and the present and then it turned out to be for him, that she was perhaps like, “OK, you know what? I’m finally done with him, it’s over, he’s a wanker,” but then he apologizes and kisses her on the cheek (!), so you know she was like, “Well, he does have his sweet side,” and she’s just ruined for life.) (Oh, and didn’t you just feel terrible for her when Sherlock identifies the nude body at the morgue and she says to Lestrade, “Why did he recognize her … from not her face?”)

I can totally sympathize, Molly. Let's go out for drinks and we can talk about how mean my pretend TV boyfriend is.

And Watson getting dumped by his girlfriend (Sherlock, trying to remember said girlfriend’s name: “Who came after the boring schoolteacher?” Girlfriend: “No one.” Sherlock: “Jeanette!”) after she tells him what a great boyfriend he is. “Sherlock is very lucky,” she says.

Plus, Mycroft Holmes’ elegant solution to exploding airplanes: Load ’em up with corpses! That’s brilliant! The terrorists think they’ve accomplished their whatever, it hides the British government’s inside sources and nobody gets blowed up who wasn’t dead to begin with! Everyone wins, except people who wanted their loved ones’ remains!

Also, the parade of potential clients and Watson’s ever-expanding blog: “The Geek Interpreter,” “The Speckled Blond” (Please, please tell me the third season’s going to have The Case of the Speckled Band, because that one is totally my favorite!)

And, of course, Benedict Cumberbatch in a deerstalker. I never knew that was a fetish of mine, but I guess I know now. So, thanks for that, BBC!

I'm going to need some alone time with this picture, you guys. I hope you don't mind.

Now when does the third season start?

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Sherlock Holmes vs. Sherlock Holmes

October 19, 2011 at 11:20 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

It’s a battle of Sherlocks!

In one corner, we have the Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock, who’s all lanky and sociopathic and grey-eyed and stuff!

And he's just so cute in a trench coat and scarf!

In another corner, we have Robert Downey Jr., who is not really any of those things, except for maybe the eyes, because I’ve never really looked at them closely.

Eh, still can't tell. Brown, maybe?

Which Sherlock will come out superior? Let’s get ready to rumble! (Or something.)

Physicality. Now, as I’ve noted before, repeatedly, Sherlock Holmes was never intended to be an attractive man. However, the world at large doesn’t want to watch movies or television shows about unattractive people, probably because they run into enough of them out in the world. So both Benedict Cumberbatch and Robert Downey Jr. are rather good looking. But Benedict Cumberbatch is my favorite, plus he looks more like a Sherlock Holmes to me, so he wins. Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch.

Gets into half-naked street fights? The BBC’s Sherlock has only done one season, which had no shirtless street fights and more’s the pity. From the trailers for Sherlock Holmes, it’s clear that there is at least one scene where Holmes isn’t wearing a top and is fighting. Probably in the street. Winner? Robert Downey Jr.

OK, so maybe it's a shirtless PIT fight. Close enough.

Has a better sidekick? Both Sherlock Holmes(es) have John Watson(s?) for a sidekick. One is Jude Law, who is a very pretty man. The other is Martin Freeman, who totally murders some jerk to save Holmes’ life, about 24 hours after meeting him. That’s some pretty badass sidekickery. Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch’s Holmes.

We're so lucky they found each other.

Leads a life filled with romance? Well, obviously Sherlock Holmes shouldn’t lead a life filled with romance because he hasn’t got time for that sort of thing. So Benedict Cumberbatch and the BBC are right. Huzzah for them! Stupid Guy Ritchie had to insert stupid Irene Adler into Holmes’ stupid (nonexistent) romantic life. Winner? Robert Downey Jr. (Losers? Holmesians.)

This kiss is just so much bullshit, I can't even tell you.

Is in a show that I could actually sit through because it wasn’t so godawful wrong? You know what movie I couldn’t stand to watch? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is a movie I couldn’t stand to watch because everything in it was wrong except maybe the character’s names. On the other hand, I’m working my way through third viewings of every episode of the BBC’s Sherlock because it’s just that good, that’s why. Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, the BBC and me!

To celebrate our success, we decided to get ourselves a new image of Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes. Huzzah!

Is more like the literary Sherlock Holmes? Duh. Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oh, look! Another picture of Benedict Cumberbatch! We couldn't be luckier.

Has a larger audience, because people like stupid movies and, apparently, dislike reading? Winner? Robert Downey Jr.

Has an archenemy? I don’t know if Moriarty shows up in the (wretched, horrible) Guy Ritchie movie because I could only watch seven minutes before throwing up in my mouth and crying a bit. But I do know that BBC Sherlock has not only Moriarty to contend with, but also Mycroft Holmes, who is much thinner than expected. Winner? BBC Sherlock, aka Benedict Cumberbatch.

Lives in the correct time period? Wow, the Sherlock Holmes movie got one whole thing right. I love the idea of a modernized Sherlock Holmes, but for accurate time periods, the movie wins. Winner? Movie Sherlock.

Of course, that could just be a pair of hipsters skulking around some warehouse district nowadays, so it's really hard to be sure when the movie is set.

Just an all-around more awesome Sherlock Holmes? Now, I’ve got nothing against Robert Downey Jr. I think he’s a gorgeous man and a great actor, and in the few minutes of the Sherlock Holmes movie that I managed to watch before having a freakout about what the hell is Irene Adler doing at his office, I was very impressed by his performance. I thought he did a marvelous job of portraying a man who sees everything, who notices everything, and can’t help himself. He gave the role a bit of pathos, and I liked that quite a bit. But I love Benedict Cumberbatch more, because his Sherlock says snarky things and totally doesn’t get basic rules of human behavior and is more like some mythical crime-solving being. Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch.

Overall winner? Yeah, like my bias wasn’t going to be obvious in this one. Benedict Cumberbatch takes it all! Huzzah! Cookies for him!

Hell, Benedict, I'll even take you out for a drink to celebrate if you promise to wear your shirt unbuttoned just so.

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So you think you’re dating Sherlock Holmes: A modern teen’s guide

October 11, 2011 at 11:05 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

So, lately, you’ve been dating this guy. You know he’s not a robot or an Egyptian mummy, but there’s something a little different about him. You know who’s a little different? Sherlock Holmes! Sherlock Holmes is a little different! Perhaps you’re dating him!

What? No, I didn't come up with the idea for this post simply as an excuse to find more images of Benedict Cumberbatch. Why would you think such a thing?

Let’s find out by using this handy 10-step guide!

1. Is your boyfriend a genius? If your boyfriend is a genius, sure that’s great and all, but there’s plenty of geniuses who aren’t Sherlock Holmes.

Why, here's one now! Hello, Tesla!

2. Is your boyfriend a detective? Now if your boyfriend is not only a genius but also the world’s only consulting detective, things are looking brighter.

Well, they're not looking brighter for the dead lady, but at least her murder will be avenged.

3. Is his best friend a doctor? And is that doctor named “John Watson”? If he’s not named “John Watson,” then you’re definitely not dating Sherlock Holmes, because Holmes only has one friend and that one friend is Dr. John Watson.

And I for sure don't say it often enough, but Martin Freeman is brilliant as Watson and I love him very much for it.

4. Did your boyfriend used to do a lot of cocaine? And did he only stop doing all that cocaine when his best friend Dr. John Watson convinced him it was an unhealthy habit?

5. Does he say things like “it’s a three-pipe problem” or, if you’re dating the modern Sherlock, “a three-patch problem”? Today’s modern Sherlock Holmes is trying to quit smoking. Good on him!

Although he does look pretty cool with that pipe.

6. Do people describe themselves as his “archenemy”? Really, it would be only one of two people, because no one else can match up to Holmes: Either the evil genius Moriarty or the evil genius Mycroft Holmes. I’m not actually sure how evil Mycroft Holmes is, but he works for the government, so pretty evil, right?

Sure, Moriarty's a mass-murdering serial bomber, but he's no POLITICIAN, am I right?

7. Does he live for the high of solving crimes? The weirder the better?

8. Are you Irene Adler? It wouldn’t matter if you were. He never dated her, anyway.

I cannot say it enough, people, but they met for approximately TWO MINUTES and then she got married to someone else about five minutes later THEY WERE NEVER IN LOVE, CHRIST!

9. Does he live at 221B Baker Street? Can you steal me a piece of wallpaper and see if he’ll autograph it?

And don't forget to tell him I love him!

10. Does he not know or care that the earth revolves around the sun? “If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn’t make any difference!” he might say.

And then he'd play the violin in an annoying manner because Shut up, you!, that's why.

If you have answered yes to most or all of these questions, then whatever. You’re still not dating Sherlock Holmes because he doesn’t date.

In conclusion, go to hell, Guy Ritchie.

Mr. Ritchie, there are just SO MANY THINGS wrong with your Sherlock Holmes that I can't even begin to punch you in the throat often, or hard, enough.

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