Q. Why Great Wall you guys?
A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?
So I’ve been on vacation and haven’t had much time for blogging. But I have happened to see the TV spot for The Bourne Legacy approximately 567 times. And, like the first three (?), it looks like an action-filled thrill ride of epic proportions that I just don’t care about.
But I do have to wonder if Matt Damon is happy.
The Adjustment Bureau. That opens this weekend. Oooh, and it’s got Terence Stamp, which is great news because Terence Stamp is AWESOME! Kneel before Zod and all that, you know?
Anyway, it appears to be some sort of thriller about a team of men in classy suits who are in charge of our fate, as imagined by Phillip K. Dick, because when he imagined anything, somebody was wearing a classy suit.
But Matt Damon and Emily Blunt fall in love despite that not being their fate, and so corrections have to be made. There’s the threat of Matt Damon lobotimization, which is always good news, and the aforementioned Terence Stamp in a classy suit, which is super good news, but other than that? Meh.
The trailer tries to get you all excited, what with the pulsating music and the short sentences — “This Man. This Glance.” — because what’s more thrilling than a sentence written in passive tense? But the whole premise is a man fighting his fate for love, and it seems to be a woman he’s barely met. I mean, how in love could they possibly be? And don’t give me that “love at first sight” pablum. Ridiculous.
And speaking of love at first sight, Beastly! It’s a modern-day taken on the Beauty and the Beast myth, starring some chick from the High School Musical movies and some attractive blonde guy who doesn’t actually look bad at all in his “beast” form. More like a guy who got a little tattoo overzealous. Like, his fabulous facial structure and awesomely long limbs are all still there, so how hideous is he supposed to be?
Whatever, it’s got Neil Patrick Harris in it as his blind tutor, so that’s awesome.
It’s based on a young adult romance, of course, because what movies aren’t nowadays (OK, movies based on Phillip K. Dick short stories, fine), and it’s not getting bad reviews, but considering they were probably comparing it to Twilight in their minds, there’s really nowhere to go but up, you know?
I hate movies like that. If I wanted to think, I’d be reading or something, not watching a movie.
But what can I tell you about Clint Eastwood’s Hereafter? Well, that scene with the tsunami (I assume? It’s a bunch of water going where water shouldn’t, and it looks like a wave) is pretty impressive looking, and it had me going why aren’t you people running? You should be running! For the love of Bruce Campbell, start running! Then they did start running and I was like, FINALLY!
And they got another creepy child actor for this flick. That’s great! (Actually, it’s twins, so it’s two creepy child actors, which is twice as great!)
And Matt Damon still isn’t handsome, so I won’t even complain about that anymore. I mean, what’s the poor bastard going to do at this point? Plastic surgery is out: people know his face. I guess he’s a good actor or something, but he keeps being in movies I don’t want to watch, so I don’t know.
But, overall? The 2.5 minute trailer bored me. Bored, boring, boreder. And if that was only a 2.5 minute trailer, imagine how bored I would be during the actual film!
Where are the ninja? I would lean over and say to you, and you’d be all, shut up. And then I’d be like, if this is about life after death, shouldn’t there be some zombies? And then you’d punch me, and then we’d regret going to the movies together.
So you can go without me. Have fun!