Proof that Hollywood hates me

February 23, 2017 at 10:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why Great Wall you guys?

A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don't get his appeal AT ALL.

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.

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There really is another Bourne movie now, really

August 10, 2012 at 7:45 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

So I’ve been on vacation and haven’t had much time for blogging. But I have happened to see the TV spot for The Bourne Legacy approximately 567 times. And, like the first three (?), it looks like an action-filled thrill ride of epic proportions that I just don’t care about.

But I do have to wonder if Matt Damon is happy.

“Is it just me, or did they manage to find the only star in Hollywood who is less attractive than I am?” — Matt Damon

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Matt Damon’s been in a lot of movies lately

March 2, 2011 at 11:53 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

The Adjustment Bureau. That opens this weekend. Oooh, and it’s got Terence Stamp, which is great news because Terence Stamp is AWESOME! Kneel before Zod and all that, you know?

Anyway, it appears to be some sort of thriller about a team of men in classy suits who are in charge of our fate, as imagined by Phillip K. Dick, because when he imagined anything, somebody was wearing a classy suit.

And fedoras. God, I love fedoras.

But Matt Damon and Emily Blunt fall in love despite that not being their fate, and so corrections have to be made. There’s the threat of Matt Damon lobotimization, which is always good news, and the aforementioned Terence Stamp in a classy suit, which is super good news, but other than that? Meh.

Which, coincidentally, is how I feel about Matt Damon, fedora or no.

The trailer tries to get you all excited, what with the pulsating music and the short sentences — “This Man. This Glance.” — because what’s more thrilling than a sentence written in passive tense? But the whole premise is a man fighting his fate for love, and it seems to be a woman he’s barely met. I mean, how in love could they possibly be? And don’t give me that “love at first sight” pablum. Ridiculous.

Ooooh, scratch that. I just fell in love with Emily Blunt's dress at first sight.

And speaking of love at first sight, Beastly! It’s a modern-day taken on the Beauty and the Beast myth, starring some chick from the High School Musical movies and some attractive blonde guy who doesn’t actually look bad at all in his “beast” form. More like a guy who got a little tattoo overzealous. Like, his fabulous facial structure and awesomely long limbs are all still there, so how hideous is he supposed to be?

All I know is that I want to tousle his hair so, so bad.

Whatever, it’s got Neil Patrick Harris in it as his blind tutor, so that’s awesome.

I don't care if it IS Neil Patrick Harris, I wouldn't let the blind guy throw darts in my living room.

It’s based on a young adult romance, of course, because what movies aren’t nowadays (OK, movies based on Phillip K. Dick short stories, fine), and it’s not getting bad reviews, but considering they were probably comparing it to Twilight in their minds, there’s really nowhere to go but up, you know?

I mean, Christ, as long as the writer is slightly literate, she's already ahead of whatsername. Oh, shame on me. I assumed the writer was a woman. But it totally is, right?

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Hereafter is one of those movies that makes you think, isn’t it

October 20, 2010 at 11:46 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I hate movies like that. If I wanted to think, I’d be reading or something, not watching a movie.

Oooh, oooh, although, when I googled "hereafter," images from "The Sweet Hereafter" came up, which is a really thought-provoking and beautiful movie. What can I say? I'm capricious.

But what can I tell you about Clint Eastwood’s Hereafter? Well, that scene with the tsunami (I assume? It’s a bunch of water going where water shouldn’t, and it looks like a wave) is pretty impressive looking, and it had me going why aren’t you people running? You should be running! For the love of Bruce Campbell, start running! Then they did start running and I was like, FINALLY!

Not that it'll do you much good, but at least you're being proactive instead of just standing there gaping.

And they got another creepy child actor for this flick. That’s great! (Actually, it’s twins, so it’s two creepy child actors, which is twice as great!)

I don't need this kind of stress in my life, Hollywood. Please hire cute kids or something.

And Matt Damon still isn’t handsome, so I won’t even complain about that anymore. I mean, what’s the poor bastard going to do at this point? Plastic surgery is out: people know his face. I guess he’s a good actor or something, but he keeps being in movies I don’t want to watch, so I don’t know.

See, this movie poster has the right idea, only using half of his face.

But, overall? The 2.5 minute trailer bored me. Bored, boring, boreder. And if that was only a 2.5 minute trailer, imagine how bored I would be during the actual film!

Where are the ninja? I would lean over and say to you, and you’d be all, shut up. And then I’d be like, if this is about life after death, shouldn’t there be some zombies? And then you’d punch me, and then we’d regret going to the movies together.

So you can go without me. Have fun!

Give Mr. Eastwood my love!

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