A tale of beautiful baby thieves
The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.
He is beautiful.
Also, Alicia Vikander.
She is also beautiful.
And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”
“Hey, honey, I think there’s a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?”
Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.
For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.
Days of Future Past doesn’t even make sense, title-wise
I finally saw the new X-Men movie. I know you’re all deeply happy for me, and want to hear all about it. But what can I say that hasn’t been said by reviewers who saw it much, much earlier than I did?
Well, plenty, actually! Here’s some random observations about Days of Future Past.
First off, remember when I saw X-Men: First Class, and I just couldn’t wait to find out what happened to all the cool mutants? Well, it turns out they died offscreen, especially Banshee, because no one wants me or Caleb Landry Jones to be happy.
Except maybe his stylist.
Kitty Pryde’s ability to send people’s consciousness (es?) back to the past is never explained, but it’s probably okay because poor old Shadowcat has some difficulty understanding how time works because she talks about Wolverine’s consciousness flipping back and forth between the “past and the future,” because she clearly forgot she already lives in the future, thus making it the present.
“Man, I can’t even tell if this is the future or not anymore.”
Speaking of Kitty Pryde, I can now understand all the complaints about not having her go back in time like in the original comic that I never read, because holy crap the past is a total sausage fest. (Related story: When I made the mistake of describing the movie in those terms to my mother, she was horrified: “Is that appropriate for your daughter?” “Well, I’d agree that women definitely deserve more representation in the film industry and … oh, you thought it was some sort of porn thing, didn’t you?”) The only lady mutant in the past is Mystique, and all the boys love her, even Magneto, who’s also trying to murder her. Also, I’m not sure she even counts as a lady, because she spends about half the movie disguised as various men.
Man, just look at all that sausage!
Thanks to Wolverine’s trip back to the ’70s, we now know he travels commando. Also, that a naked ass shot must be included in Hugh Jackman’s contract, because his ass is a thing of magnificent beauty that should be shown to all. (Related story: As my daughter and I were discussing Hugh Jackman’s fine, naked ass, we were coming up with synonyms for the word “butt,” including “gluteus maximus,” which led to me saying “And his gluteus certainly is maximus,” which led to my daughter saying she wants to live with her father now because please stop talking mommy.)
“Imma have to hurt you now. I’m sorry, but the chafing makes me so angry.”
I was actually surprised when Storm died, even though everybody said that Storm died, I just wasn’t expecting it right then, but as she fell to her doom, I had to wonder: Who wears spike heels in a dystopian future?
I’d tell her to run, but she wouldn’t get very far in those heels, anyway.
My daughter and I agreed that Blink was the best mutant in the future, and also that Fan Bingbing is very pretty.
Gosh, just so pretty.
Quicksilver was the best mutant in the past, even if he didn’t realize he was jailbreaking his own dad, and where was his twin sister The Scarlet Witch? The only reference to his parentage was an oblique reference to his mother having known a guy who could manipulate metal back in the day.
You know, the special effects were good, but maybe they could’ve done a little more work on his ridiculous hair?
Peter Dinklage has a beautiful, beautiful voice, and I think someone should make a movie with him and Caleb Landry Jones just talking and being awesome, and maybe throw some ladies in there, all right, Hollywood?
Besides, ladies appreciate a well-dressed man like Mssr. Dinklage here.
So there you go. It was a decent movie, and if I think about it too hard, I’ll probably find many, many things wrong with it other than SERIOUSLY CAST SOME WOMEN DAMMIT, but it was perfectly serviceable, and at least Young Magneto did stuff.
Like wearing this fabulous hat.
Mutants and time travel and young Magneto, oh my!
Wow.
So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Ha, and they’re standing in the shape of an X because people who design movie posters are all like: “Subtlety? I eat subtlety for breakfast.”
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
“Sooo … you guys hate being around me as much as I hate being around you? That’s good to know.”
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
I do know enough about superhero comics to know that Blink’s like a lady Nightcrawler.
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
Also some deep, girlish sighing.
So you’re about to be killed by an Alien: A modern teen’s guide
Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.
1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?
Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.
The first one was the best one. The first one’s always the best one.
2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?
Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.
Ian Holm is a very talented man, but he doesn’t look like Michael Fassbender.
3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?
It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.
What? No, I just mean it’s a great name and all ….
Sigh.
Yes, you’re toast.
4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?
And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”
Well, gosh, I don’t see how this could go horribly wrong and end up with everyone on board dying a horrible death or anything.
5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?
It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.
Is it just me, or does the coconut crab look awfully like a facehugger?
6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?
It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.
7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?
You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”
Hint: It’s because we fill them with killer aliens.
8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?
I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?
9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?
Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!
Which somehow makes her even more badass!
10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?
No. No they cannot.
Ha, ha.
But seriously.
You’re so dead.
A love letter to Michael Fassbender’s character in anything
Dear Michael Fassbender’s character in anything,
I love you. I love you because you look like Michael Fassbender, sound like Michael Fassbender and, if Smell-o-Vision comes into existence someday, you also smell like Michael Fassbender.
Mmmmm, smells like success.
(Note to inventors: Please, please, please don’t invent Smell-O-Vision.)
For instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame: I love you for your sex addiction, because you are a guy who looks like Michael Fassbender who has a sex addiction.
Could be worse, friend. You could be a guy with a sex addiction who doesn’t look like Michael Fassbender.
For another instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in X-Men: First Class: I love you for your young Magneto-ness, which includes the ability to annoy me less than James McAvoy by looking and acting like Michael Fassbender.
I totally have a turtleneck fetish now.
Kind of sad, really.
And for the most recent instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in Prometheus: I love you because you’re an android that someone designed to look like Michael Fassbender because of course they would do that who wouldn’t?
“So, you guys wanna make an android?”
“Yeah!”
“Who should we design it to look like?”
“Uh, Michael Fassbender?”
“Brilliant!”
So, Michael Fassbender’s character in anything: I love you. Let’s all get married.
A love letter to Banshee
Dear Banshee,
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
Of course, the internet only has the one good picture of you, so I guess it's on to pictures of the actor who plays you.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
But that won't stop me from saying: Get a haircut, ya damn hippie.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
Awwww, you have the cutest little smile; I just want to pack you a lunch and make sure you get your homework done!
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and then there's this picture of you and you are so GODDAMN CUTE with all the freckles.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Oooh, it's a slightly different picture of you! I couldn't be more excited.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
I wouldn't blame her for saying no, though. I am a dirty old lady.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
You could send me photographs of your close, personal friend Magneto!
Love you!
Yes, Banshee, my love is so enduring I forgive you for those glasses or whatever.
Why did I really, really like X-Men: First Class?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Look at all those mutants! Especially the one on our left. Mrow.
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
He has the superpower of I can't take my eyes off him.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
Banshee, I would totally tousle your hair when my new boyfriend Young Magneto isn't looking.
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
You know, sexy, blonde, kind of ridiculous looking in crystal form.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
Although I do hate the codename "Magneto," because I'm always like, "But magnets can't do that!"
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
I couldn't find any pictures of that scene, so please enjoy this image of Michael Fassbender and a glass of water. I know I will.
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
While he's in an experimental jet?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I've never understood why his codename was Winter, though.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
I think it's the dignified manner that makes me more forgiving.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
Or, um, anything really.
I will probably have to see X-Men: First Class
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I'm sorry, but this movie looks brilliant and I can't think of a single snarky thing to say.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
Stuff and things?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
I think I could be happily married to this man's jawline alone.
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
Soooooo retro!
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Or cluster headaches. Superpowers or cluster headaches.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.
And join the Michael Fassbender fan club.
Hollywood Hates Me 