The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.
Also, Alicia Vikander.
And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”
Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.
So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.
1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?
Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.
2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?
Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.
3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?
It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.
4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?
And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”
5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?
It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.
6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?
It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.
7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?
You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”
8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?
I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?
9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?
Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!
10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?
No. No they cannot.
Dear Michael Fassbender’s character in anything,
I love you. I love you because you look like Michael Fassbender, sound like Michael Fassbender and, if Smell-o-Vision comes into existence someday, you also smell like Michael Fassbender.
(Note to inventors: Please, please, please don’t invent Smell-O-Vision.)
For instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame: I love you for your sex addiction, because you are a guy who looks like Michael Fassbender who has a sex addiction.
For another instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in X-Men: First Class: I love you for your young Magneto-ness, which includes the ability to annoy me less than James McAvoy by looking and acting like Michael Fassbender.
And for the most recent instance, Michael Fassbender’s character in Prometheus: I love you because you’re an android that someone designed to look like Michael Fassbender because of course they would do that who wouldn’t?
So, Michael Fassbender’s character in anything: I love you. Let’s all get married.
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.