We all know I currently have the good taste to obsess over Sherlock Holmes himself, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch. But the truth is: I haven’t always had good taste. Some of my celebrity crushes are … a bit embarrassing in retrospect. But because my humiliation is your entertainment, here’s a list of celebrities I used to adore!
1. Thriller-era Michael Jackson. I’m specifying the era here because at this point, his skin was still kind of dark, his nose hadn’t completely come off and there were no creepy child molestation allegations popping up yet.
2.Rick Astley. It’s true. I was Rickrolled. (Is that even a thing anymore?)
3. Joey from the New Kids on the Block. Happily, I got over it, and did not attend any of their reunion concerts.
4. Balthazar Getty. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!
5. Emilio Estevez. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!
6. Stephen Baldwin. I think. Anyway, whichever Baldwin brother was in that short-lived TV show about the Pony Express.
7. Christian Slater. It was so bad, I even watched that terrible skateboarding movie he was in.
8.Kiefer Sutherland. This one isn’t that embarrassing, because Mr. Sutherland is still pretty awesome, though not as awesome as his dad.
9. Remington Steele. Er, I mean, Pierce Brosnan?
10. Nelson. I loved them for their long blonde hair, I guess.
With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.
Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.
1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.
2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.
3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.
4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.
5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”
6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!
7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”
8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.
9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”
10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.