I missed the entire first season of The Carmichael Show. This was not an accident. The promos made it look kind of stupid and annoying. Especially since they kept showing the part where the mother realizes she’s a bigot by saying the non-Christian kids at schools should have a “separate, but equally nice” place to go when there’s prayer.
But last night, my family wanted to watch Steve Harvey’s Little Big Shots, which is a show about children. At first, I was led to believe it was a show about talented children, but it turns out only some of the children are talented, and the others are famous because they said cute things about doughnuts on Youtube, and the Internet is kind of ridiculous.
This led to a severe bout of inertia, so that when The Carmichael Show came on, I drooled a little and ended up watching the first episode of season two.
The episode opens with Carmichael himself announcing that he is the best boyfriend ever because he’s taking his girlfriend somewhere that is a surprise. After a bit of back and forth, it is revealed that the somewhere that is a surprise is a Bill Cosby performance. Girlfriend is like “Hells, no, guy, what are you thinking?” and then they go to his parents’ house and then the entire episode becomes a lecture on separating art from the artist.
The different characters all had different viewpoints (Carmichael is especially for separating art from the artist; the father is for innocent until proven guilty; the girlfriend is for the 55 VICTIMS OF RAPE; the mother waffles back and forth and finally decides rapists are bad; the brother hates Cosby for being a jerk to young black kids; and the brother’s ex or something didn’t even know about it until she checked out wikipedia), which was nice, but it wasn’t funny. It was like a bunch of standup comedians hanging out and reading from a script. Some excellent points were made, but they were made so unnaturally it was kind of painful to watch.
Later, Carmichael and his dad (the under-utilized David Alan Grier, by the way) decide to go to the Cosby performance, but the dad has a change of heart when he sees parking is $25. He then drops off Carmichael in what leads to the only exchange that made me chuckle.
“You’re leaving me here? This is a bad neighborhood,” says Carmichael.
“There’s no such thing as bad neighborhoods,” says Dad. “Just bad people … who hang out … in neighborhoods like this one.”
There’s some discussion of Michael Jackson (accusations of pedophilia), Woody Allen (grossly married his stepdaughter) and Marky Mark (beat up an Asian man while shouting out racial slurs), which is, again, all very interesting (except in the case of Marky Mark, because why bother separating the art from the artist when they both suck?), but not funny. It seriously felt like somebody sitting me down and telling me what I should be thinking, and it wasn’t funny.
We all know I currently have the good taste to obsess over Sherlock Holmes himself, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch. But the truth is: I haven’t always had good taste. Some of my celebrity crushes are … a bit embarrassing in retrospect. But because my humiliation is your entertainment, here’s a list of celebrities I used to adore!
1. Thriller-era Michael Jackson. I’m specifying the era here because at this point, his skin was still kind of dark, his nose hadn’t completely come off and there were no creepy child molestation allegations popping up yet.
2.Rick Astley. It’s true. I was Rickrolled. (Is that even a thing anymore?)
3. Joey from the New Kids on the Block. Happily, I got over it, and did not attend any of their reunion concerts.
4. Balthazar Getty. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!
5. Emilio Estevez. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!
6. Stephen Baldwin. I think. Anyway, whichever Baldwin brother was in that short-lived TV show about the Pony Express.
7. Christian Slater. It was so bad, I even watched that terrible skateboarding movie he was in.
8.Kiefer Sutherland. This one isn’t that embarrassing, because Mr. Sutherland is still pretty awesome, though not as awesome as his dad.
9. Remington Steele. Er, I mean, Pierce Brosnan?
10. Nelson. I loved them for their long blonde hair, I guess.
With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.
Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.
1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.
2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.
3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.
4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.
5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”
6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!
7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”
8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.
9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”
10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.